11-11-2019, 04:06 PM
A major part of me has been afraid today. I'd like to say it's due to my miner's games, but....I'm not sure that's it at this moment. I'm realizing major changes have happened in my thinking. I have these scary feelings, yet I also observed something neat.
Scary stuff, since it's new: My eyes are forward in this stressor. I'm not seeing or feeling myself back down, and I'm making possible discussions in my head with her. Doing so from fear or anger is not what I'd like to do. With boundaries, yes. With anger or rage, no. Good business deals don't advance when anger is pointed at a person.
Even now, I'm feeling some part of me trying to punish her with anger. And simultaneously, that part is being heavily restrained, like a little boy wishing to tongue-lash this adult woman. However, I have not been active in this restraining process. Is it E3?
My mind has been very active seeking possible solutions. I believe it's scaring me since it's very confrontational and assertive in this situation. I'm normally not like this.
And the neat thing I noticed today: I saw me not being scarcity minded
. I spent most of my last paycheck on bitcoin to trade it and multiply it. Yesterday, I'd planned out my money by getting enough food, buying gas for the week, and getting change to do laundry. Everything was covered, and I had $2 and change for the week. I thought I might buy 2 coffees during the week since one's only a buck.
Well, today I worked a route, I ate my snacks in my bag at break, and I realized I'd not put extra food in there. I realized we'd be having lunch right next to a dollar store I use, and I bought 2 snacks when I got there ($1 each) that will last 2 or 3 days. Smart move. When leaving the store, I realized I had no money now. This used to get me fearful, but in truth, I'd get slightly terrified. Fearing I'd not have enough. Fears would spring up as "possibilities". I'd want to isolate, I'd feel poor, and worse, it made me swim in childhood memories of feeling helpless.
But those thoughts never came. I had an emotional flashback when I first realized I was broke, I even tried to allow those feelings, but they wouldn't come. I wasn't owned by fear of being broke. I didn't slip down that slope of self-degradation and abusing myself emotionally. I didn't!
That's a victory!
Scary stuff, since it's new: My eyes are forward in this stressor. I'm not seeing or feeling myself back down, and I'm making possible discussions in my head with her. Doing so from fear or anger is not what I'd like to do. With boundaries, yes. With anger or rage, no. Good business deals don't advance when anger is pointed at a person.
Even now, I'm feeling some part of me trying to punish her with anger. And simultaneously, that part is being heavily restrained, like a little boy wishing to tongue-lash this adult woman. However, I have not been active in this restraining process. Is it E3?
My mind has been very active seeking possible solutions. I believe it's scaring me since it's very confrontational and assertive in this situation. I'm normally not like this.
And the neat thing I noticed today: I saw me not being scarcity minded
. I spent most of my last paycheck on bitcoin to trade it and multiply it. Yesterday, I'd planned out my money by getting enough food, buying gas for the week, and getting change to do laundry. Everything was covered, and I had $2 and change for the week. I thought I might buy 2 coffees during the week since one's only a buck.Well, today I worked a route, I ate my snacks in my bag at break, and I realized I'd not put extra food in there. I realized we'd be having lunch right next to a dollar store I use, and I bought 2 snacks when I got there ($1 each) that will last 2 or 3 days. Smart move. When leaving the store, I realized I had no money now. This used to get me fearful, but in truth, I'd get slightly terrified. Fearing I'd not have enough. Fears would spring up as "possibilities". I'd want to isolate, I'd feel poor, and worse, it made me swim in childhood memories of feeling helpless.
But those thoughts never came. I had an emotional flashback when I first realized I was broke, I even tried to allow those feelings, but they wouldn't come. I wasn't owned by fear of being broke. I didn't slip down that slope of self-degradation and abusing myself emotionally. I didn't!
That's a victory!
I want to be FREE!
