Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

I'd also like to share something relevant to growth I've had.  A change in my thinking popped forward, and the realization was significant to me.

I was in a bookstore with my daughter (she's a BIG reader), and I wavered internally between two subjects I had interest in.  One is personal finances, as I've focused on that mostly the last 2 years.  The other is nutritional reading, which I consumed my time with in my senior year of college.

I first picked up a book on Magnesium, a focused book, but relevant with enough footnotes and citations.  In years past, I loved looking up studies people had cited to see if facts stated were facts or hidden bias.  I've not purchased a nutrition book in years, and my desire was mixed.  So I held on to the book, hoping for some internal realization.

We hung around longer, and we chose to call it quits, me having totally forgotten about any financial reading.  We began leaving, and something hit my awareness.  I've been searching for simple financial guidance books and teachings, so I literally stopped.  I told my daughter I'd not even looked at the finance books section, and she eagerly followed me.  I found one author I've followed for years, and pulled one book I've been curious about.  It states one well known problem, but I'm curious about his proposed solution and insights.  So, I picked it up.

And here's where my realization surfaced.  In my right hand was the finance book, of a subject I've spent a lot of time on lately, as I'm still searching for a sane, sensible solutions for getting out and staying out of the rat race.  AND I have friends who I speak with about this, who are seeking similar answers.  I'm living on that plain right now.

In my left hand was my nutritional book.  My thrills with searching it out happened 20 years ago, with me being in a different time under different pressures.  No musts.  No shoulds.  No obligations whatsoever.  I felt like I was hooking up with an old girlfriend in a user-type mentality, where I purposefully had no commitment.  I'd get what I wanted, then move on.

This didn't jive, and I shared that truth with my daughter.  I wanted to feel connected to my truth, and my truth is I'm not seeking a quick thrill.  I'm not wanting to "use" people.  I'm seeking something I can put my mind and heart in with sincerity, feeling good doing the right thing.  And I realize I was viewing this at a relational level, which is why I returned the nutritional book.  

Using people or being used by people does not feel good, and I made a stance for myself.  A small move, but meaningful, nonetheless.

[findingme]

Feeling pretty uncomfortable.

I got rejected and openly dismissed today by a man I've known for a couple of months on another forum.  It hurts mainly since it points back to my long time uncomfortable habit of seeking men's acceptance constantly after failures.  I realized that I purposefully sabotage my progress regularly, yet will return seeking acceptance.   I've created such a (quite fucked up) dependence on others liking and loving me, and I'm not happy with my results.

It's my creation.  Blame isn't my goal.

Whether it's in subliminals, personal recovery, or anything desirable, I've used this numerous times.  I'll move ahead in something, get scared (will listen to fear), purposely or passively fail, and will return seeking some emotional "handout", which is mainly me manipulating people's emotions.  That's me.  I've done this hundreds of times over the years.  I'd just never felt able or strong enough to do something different.  I never thought differently.  Something is shifting.

I use LTU5 since it's eliminating the victim mentality (aka "helpless), it's eroding fear, and ..........my sense of responsibility is changing.  I used to want anyone/everyone else to be responsible for me.  Kids do that, and good parents teach children step by step how to take responsibility for themselves.   I'm seeing I'm the only one who will do that for me, and I've not had a regular relationship with my inner child.  Seriously, the silence I have with my own daughter mirrors the silence I have with the me inside.

I'd like to change.  I want to change.  This time I need to be honest with myself (fear came up while writing)........I'm just SICK of faking it!  My own decisions are hurting me.  I'm on my 2nd day of rest.  I'd do LTU loops if it wouldn't exhaust me.   May I ask for your opinion @Shannon?

I might go walk at the beach, to do something different.  I just don't want to be "toxic" today.  And there's fear in change.  

Edit: I just realized I keep trying to slide back into childish thinking and behaviours.  I'm trying to dodge responsibility.  FUCK!

[Shannon]

What exactly do you want my opinion on?

[findingme]

It was a habit of me seeking someone to take responsibility from me.

It's not necessary. Thanks anyway.

[findingme]

Facing fears I've dodged for years.

I just went for a long walk.  I'd gone for sun, but it's cloudy out.  Near the end I realized that all my life I've tried to put myself in a bubble, separating myself from daily concerns.  I didn't have a plan, just a continuous goal.  

For example, one thing I've been afraid of for years is learning how to be a man around men.  Sitting here, I realize I expected Mom to show me how to shine as a man someday.  It's childish thinking, but that desire has remained.  It was made while I was a child.  It never happened.  So I turned to men.  Yet a real part of me pops out around men, a little boy, and I've desired men to father me in some way.

I saw many work trucks coming and going in my neighborhood.  City workers have a small base nearby, and I looked for one guy who I know works with them.  I also realized I was looking for looks from men that said "yeah, you're a man", that I was masculine.  I realize I've been afraid of that all my life, as I picked up the message when I was young that men were cowards.  I thought being a man meant hurting others.  The men in my life have all been hurt men hurting others.  Which connects why I've avoided it.  Why I've avoided my own growth.  

I'm wanting to grow.  My roadblock over the years has been past pain I felt powerless over.  But THAT's not so intimidating anymore.  I'm flipping grateful I'm on LTU, picking out piece by piece old problems of my past.  It has power, and it instills hope.  I'm moving forward.

[findingme]

I did too many loops last night. 2 sets of 5. I'm having emotional breakthroughs here and there, but my mind feels tensely locked up right now.

I'm feeling some grief, but I feel mentally tied up, like a slight local headache in one spot. When feelings do come through, they're clear, and I want to share them. But an old crotchety fear seems to be standing and guarding me from expressing it. (I'm visualizing this tall figure standing over me in the dark, and I'm tiny).

[findingme]

I'll share something I feel pained about, as LTU is changing me.

I got off the phone 10 minutes ago with my sister about the upcoming service for my deceased Mom.  My sister is still very, very rough emotionally, spilling her anger out in big and mostly small ways.   And it REPELS me.  I didn't mention that, as she barely heard what I said when I did speak.

I'm torn, and I feel kind of guilty for wanting to toss away my sister.  She's noone I'd want to be friends with, for one reason: she shits on herself and all her past emotional pain, which has her dismissing me whenever I'm honest with her.  She bulldozes her own tenderness, and thus mine too.  Like she's trying to be some kind of emotional Marine by shitting on her humanity.  I honor Marines, but she (not a Marine) acts insane.  Black or white.  All or nothing,  Good or BAD.    No grey exists.  Just fear and avoided pain.  Fear and avoided pain.

I think I feel guilty since I've done the exact same.  Pain will repeat itself until one listens to the message.  And it was my own "normal" too.  Being around her is equivalent to me.......shitting on myself.  I don't LIKE being around her.

But since I'm not completely in her emotional chaos, I'll ask--am I missing something?

She's not emotionally well.  Lying to herself is normal.  She's still grieving losing her daughter in November to suicide.  I know!  She's really trying to GRASP on to me since I was the closest one to her growing up.  She told my ex last week she'd "watch out for him, since he needs me."  Sweet, but not desired at all.  

And for the record, being honest with her invites more anger from her than anything else.  I want to communicate this to her.  A letter?  I know that's preferable, as when I spoke to her on the phone, she'd begin replying when I was only halfway through my sentence.  

"Sis, shut up!  I need to share something....."  No, I didn't say that.  

A letter might work best.  I'll open myself here if anyone has any ideas about this.



Damn.  I got all wrapped up in her fear ride.  She whipped me up, and whipped me down, me attempting rationality when a good "STOP!!!!" might have worked.    <-----  Wow.  I could do that, I could speak forcefully to her.  I'm finding some tools to fight a person in rampant denial.  I'd completely avoided confrontation.  I'll hang on to this.

[findingme]

I woke up early morning briefly feeling good. The FRM is working on something, and it felt like my fear of expressing myself was falling away.

[findingme]

I've been facing major resistance, as I've been off LTU a few days now.  When I'd last run LTU, I ran some loops on my phone at work, and I was increasingly tight-chested, with a physical tightness in my head.  I tried running loops that night, but a pain in my head (I never get headaches) showed up, so I stopped loops.  I'd been doing too much and not processing it.

I'll share other stuff, as I often hide this.

I had been thinking of the first hypnotic subliminal I purchased years back, as I never felt stressed on it.  I've been using it two days, but....I still felt unhappy, unloved, etc.  I was running off these emotions these last 2 days, even this morning.  

This morning, seeing and feeling this growing fear and off-handed reactions increasing from me, I tried to be honest with myself.  I was afraid of feeling owned and used by another.  An old childhood fear came up, mirroring my present reaction.  The memory (I think) had to do with me feeling powerless and helpless over my Mom (emotionally and financially)--and I've not felt or seen that in my mind for years.  But my brother was always right next to me.  So whether it's from the sexual abuse or the financial helplessness I experienced when younger, I'm not sure.

I'm running LTU hybrid loops now since ....... I realized this morning that a key nerve has been struck.   Earlier this morning I compared people running from DMSI since it hit the "scary as shit" feelings.  I have run from LTU a few times.  I'm feeling anxiety running loops now.  My want is for instant gratification.........I won't say more.

I can say all day how I want healing, and I have.  This stuff is scaring the shit out of me though.  I feel .....between sheer terror and peace and feeling safe.  

I'm realizing I've had this wall around my heart, and my belief has been "if I allow you in, I can't have boundaries."  That's where I'm at currently.

I'll keep my loops on today.

[Shannon]

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Don't mix programs from different subliminals producers. Don't mix programs from different subliminals producers. Don't mix programs from different subliminals producers.

Get it yet?

[findingme]

that wasn't necessary. I know who's over-stressed now.

Posts like that kill interaction and kill relationships. Is that your intention?

[Shannon]

By rights, I should have already banned you already for some of the things you've been doing. You're still here because I have been generous. So I wouldn't push it.

And, if it wasn't necessary, I wouldn't have to tell you that, when you have recently been warned of exactly the same thing by the other subliminal producer whose subs you're using at the same time. I know that because he told me himself.

If you want to get the results, stop doing stupid shit and use the programs right. Pick a producer and use their stuff properly.

[findingme]

And, if it wasn't necessary, I wouldn't have to tell you that, when you have recently been warned of exactly the same thing by the other subliminal producer whose subs you're using at the same time.  I know that because he told me himself.

Shannon, I'm not using those subs currently.  And I've been open there since I was not flamed for admitting it.  In the post you responded to, I said I'd bought the other sub "years back".  2016.  It was a different producer.

And regarding a "warning", I've never received any such warning, or I'd not have been so honest there.  That would have definitely been remembered.  Your reaction makes more sense with me looking like I'm stirring something foul, but that's not my intent.  I felt messed up and confused emotionally, so I returned to your subs since you've had tons more experience with emotional healing in subliminals.  I realized that when on the other one, and I learned my mom was close to passing.  I realized I needed to return to LTU if I wanted progress here, and I did.

And weeks back, I removed the double posting after you'd mentioned it, and I emailed IML about it.  I had legitimately done wrong, so I owned it.

[Shannon]

The only thing I'm asking of you is...

Use only one producer's subliminals. That's all I wanted to get across. I don't care who's programs you use, just pick one and stick with it. Otherwise you won't get the intended results.