Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Question: why would I be afraid of making and keeping goals?

Important goals seem scary to make. My important goals have always been linked to family, and the more I've put hope into believing they (family) might change, the more pain and disappointment I've felt. I've linked happiness and peace to healthy connections and goals with my family. The dream was to have a healthy future with them, with all bases covered.

It's not happening like that. I've had one member step up, making some dangerous system to his liking, and it's never been desirable.

I could b*tch and complain here. But it hurts becoming aware of this and rehashing it while simultaneously keeping walls around myself. Me replaying this in my mind hurts me.

What kinds of realistic emotional goals might I make? I have associated making goals with doing it their way (which doesn't work for anyone) OR me abandoning them completely. I've pulled toward the latter these last two weeks, and I am feeling some pain each day.

They're not rational.
Angry blame of others happens in every discussion, short or long.
They have huge unmet needs, pointing them at anyone to fill constantly.
Self pity and self disgust occur regularly and repeatedly.

One might say "just fix yourself". I've thought of that. It's a guilt I have which is bugging me though. Like some unrealistic belief I've had and never admitted: "If I get better, it's my responsibility to fix them"

Uggg. That's a nasty expectation, and I've held it ever since I got into personal recovery. Al-Anon (12 step group for families of alcoholics) repeated to let them go and mind my own business, which was difficult ...............but I've had this "saviour" mentality. Because it felt good originally to stand over them since I was "right". I did think like this. "Saving" somebody does feel good for ME. Does it help them, honestly? IF they want it. IF they want, and even need change. So basically, no.

My MO, or only known way, was to look down on them, judge them quietly, and distance myself when compliance was not achieved. (I've distanced myself a LOT through the years).

F***, I'm feeling really guilty today about relating to my mom and brother, and my mom is priority. I expect no sanity if I contact her, as I completely ignored her on Mother's Day. I'm in an emotional spot now, and I am (afraid) of following any goal with her connected. For pain has always been the result of hoping for love or sanity from her. I see unending pain in our future. Forgiveness is forgotten about completely. And..... I've been just as guilty of the wrongs I've cited them for. Monkey see, monkey do.

That's where I am. Maybe E3 is kicking in.

[Infinite]

It's a process, findingme. and you're making steady progress. It's hard for people to change themselves even when they want to change, so you're not going to change them. A healthy relationship to have with your parents after you're an adult is one where there is respect, love, and friendship involved. It's not a relationship that should be forced as if you owe them. They will try to stomp on any boundary that you set in the beginning, but if you keep enforcing them. Your relatives will come to their senses and change the way that they treat you or they will lose you. As you continue to make progress and increase your self esteem, it won't be as painful for you to love them from a distance if that's how they insist that you treat them.

[findingme]

Thanks Infinite. As I sit here, I'm wondering how much of my emotional memories are from the present, and how much are pains being dug up from E3 and the guilt and shame subliminal. In other words, I've tried to control present circumstances before, but what I was actually trying to do was minimize remembrances of past emotional traumas, both big and small.

I've never controlled any of the memories at all. I've done countless repetitions of avoiding or distracting myself, but controlling, no. Left me very anxious and over-reactive around people.

Thank god I can run LTU (or E2, E3) to do the heavy battles. Avoiding this sh*t, in my experience, is a never-ending job. 2nd day of break tonight. Will run LTU tomorrow. May even run it in my shirt pocket while at work. Maybe.

[findingme]

Thought I should share something.

I realized, this morning, that thinking over my reply to Infinite, I felt scared inside. In times past, I have been cold to women who've replied to me. The reason? I was scared, thinking I "should" say the perfect thing back.

While thinking on this this morning, I felt an old part of me wake up. I felt it on my solo UD run, and it was the need to be honest, which is why I'm writing now.

I've felt completely undesirable or capable around women, as my mom isn't a rich talker at all. Me and my ex were on different pages most of the time, and being honest now, I've dated maybe 6 women my whole life. All but my wife were very short term.

I've always tried to hide that from women, thinking it'd be a welcome for pity. My self esteem quickly plummets when around women who might actually want to get to know me, which is why I don't go "out" much. I tend to be very hard on myself when I'm in those atmospheres. It's a pressure cooker for me.

Also, and maybe it's an excuse, I'm thinking of an IG post I read this week from someone who said dating in 2019 is horrible. He quickly named reasons why, and dishonesty is at the top. In recent weeks, I've imagined talking to an imagined woman to get to know her, and all I knew were making impressions, not being real.

That's what I wanted to share. UD, and maybe SE too, are working on me now. Starting loops again tonight.

[findingme]

I'm facing a good change in my perception. Listening to loops presently.

I feel I'm between the new and the old right now. Part of me has hung tightly onto my old perceptions of myself, knowing results and mostly, feeling and predicting a loss of hope regularly. This part of me, even while putting me down regularly, is actually weakening under LTU's progressiveness.

The old was always tied to the new, so hope has constantly been.......not so attractive. Like a little antagonist bully has constantly been fighting growth and change.

Today I kept thinking of possible solutions and plans for my money when I receive it. I thought of taxes, googled to check my facts on them, and I easily slid into old memories of things I'd done my last year of college. I really enjoyed looking deeper for answers, and 75% of my time in my senior year was researching stuff I'd been digging into personally, and I loved it. Libraries became my tool room, my candy store, or whatever your favorite place is. I was being responsible enough for senior studies, as I'd learned those rules years before. My personal studies were all in nutritional and alternative medicines, and I looked into master's programs. I stopped since.....the hope I enjoyed doing this was not expected to remain when I came home....and I understood then that I had to come home to "save mom". BINGO. This same belief has been holding me back all this time. It's the belief that if you enjoy something, you must give it ALL away; enjoying it is not allowed. It begs the question "why would I look for things I enjoy if I am not really allowed to enjoy them?" From an emotional level, this is why I've not spent my life exploring things, ideas, places, and people. At least this last 15 years in my life so far.

But I touched back on that today. I thought of Darwin and his desire to go back onto MLS, for today this made sense to me. I LOVE finding helpful answers, things not easily seen in research. A roommate in college had some nickname for all these little "irrelevant" connections, as he'd had a friend who did similarly. I found connections every single day, and it was so fulfilling.

I looked up from my chair I'm on, and saw my bookcase. 4 or 5 shelves of niche specific health books I've owned for 10-20 years, and in the last 15 or so, I've not opened them.

I'm not going to do anything now but let this seep in me. I really, really miss this mental exploring. I've shared the problem. My task, or my solution presently, is to allow this thinking back in, allow myself to enjoy it, and simultaneously live in the now. For I can only change my now, not my past.

Did this researching ever help anyone? YES. My wife-to-be had a condition called pseudo-tumor cerebri (translated "the brain thinks it has a tumor"), where the brain holds extra fluids, and the result was her body thought it was dying. The result was she gained and kept extra weight easily. She was scared she'd never be able to give birth to a healthy child since the diuretics prescribed were dangerous to fetus'. She didn't want to give birth to a child with birth defects from the medicines.

I began researching, and I knew glaucoma was possibly connected, as the eyes similarly do not excrete extra fluids, slowly blinding sufferers. I dug into old medical studies, and in a small Asian study found that high doses of vitamin C passed through the blood brain barrier, allowing the extra fluids to drain. It was a single report among thousands. But glaucoma sufferers had found relief. So we agreed to try it.

My fiance began taking large doses of powdered vitamin c, and it WORKED! Her condition even receded in time. She still keeps vitamin c on hand, but her condition just stopped after almost a year's use. The medical options at that time were stints in the skull, and a lifetime of uncomfortable and dangerous medications. Vitamin C is much, much safer and easier. And my healthy daughter is 14 now She was a 10-pounder at birth!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm facing a good change in my perception.  Listening to loops presently.  

I feel I'm between the new and the old right now.  Part of me has hung tightly onto my old perceptions of myself, knowing results and mostly, feeling and predicting a loss of hope regularly.  This part of me, even while putting me down regularly, is actually weakening under LTU's progressiveness.  

The old was always tied to the new, so hope has constantly been.......not so attractive.  Like a little antagonist bully has constantly been fighting growth and change.

Today I kept thinking of possible solutions and plans for my money when I receive it.  I thought of taxes, googled to check my facts on them, and I easily slid into old memories of things I'd done my last year of college.  I really enjoyed looking deeper for answers, and 75% of my time in my senior year was researching stuff I'd been digging into personally, and I loved it.  Libraries became my tool room, my candy store, or whatever your favorite place is.  I was being responsible enough for senior studies, as I'd learned those rules years before.  My personal studies were all in nutritional and alternative medicines, and I looked into master's programs.  I stopped since.....the hope I enjoyed doing this was not expected to remain when I came home....and I understood then that I had to come home to "save mom".  BINGO.  This same belief has been holding me back all this time.  It's the belief that if you enjoy something, you must give it ALL away; enjoying it is not allowed.  It begs the question "why would I look for things I enjoy if I am not really allowed to enjoy them?"  From an emotional level, this is why I've not spent my life exploring things, ideas, places, and people.  At least this last 15 years in my life so far.

But I touched back on that today.  I thought of Darwin and his desire to go back onto MLS, for today this made sense to me.  I LOVE finding helpful answers, things not easily seen in research.  A roommate in college had some nickname for all these little "irrelevant" connections, as he'd had a friend who did similarly.  I found connections every single day, and it was so fulfilling.  

I looked up from my chair I'm on, and saw my bookcase.  4 or 5 shelves of niche specific health books I've owned for 10-20 years, and in the last 15 or so, I've not opened them.  

I'm not going to do anything now but let this seep in me.  I really, really miss this mental exploring.  I've shared the problem.  My task, or my solution presently, is to allow this thinking back in, allow myself to enjoy it, and simultaneously live in the now.  For I can only change my now, not my past.

Did this researching ever help anyone?  YES.  My wife-to-be had a condition called pseudo-tumor cerebri (translated "the brain thinks it has a tumor"), where the brain holds extra fluids, and the result was her body thought it was dying.  The result was she gained and kept extra weight easily.  She was scared she'd never be able to give birth to a healthy child since the diuretics prescribed were dangerous to fetus'.  She didn't want to give birth to a child with birth defects from the medicines.

I began researching, and I knew glaucoma was possibly connected, as the eyes similarly do not excrete extra fluids, slowly blinding sufferers.  I dug into old medical studies, and in a small Asian study found that high doses of vitamin C passed through the blood brain barrier, allowing the extra fluids to drain.  It was a single report among thousands.  But glaucoma sufferers had found relief.  So we agreed to try it.

My fiance began taking large doses of powdered vitamin c, and it WORKED!  Her condition even receded in time.  She still keeps vitamin c on hand, but her condition just stopped after almost a year's use.  The medical options at that time were stints in the skull, and a lifetime of uncomfortable and dangerous medications.  Vitamin C is much, much safer and easier.  And my healthy daughter is 14 now  She was a 10-pounder at birth!

I'm glad you're peeling back these layers and healing them Findingme. And I'm happy for your wife and daughter.

[findingme]

Just had a sudden awareness.

I sent my ex-wife child support and texted her so. She replied 10 minutes later.

And 10 minutes after that, I texted her "how are you?" .....but I did this check on myself, as if I stood between two "me's", one my long-held norm of controlled responses, and a new me filled with excitement and enthusiasm. I didn't completely abandon the old self, but I did choose to go with the new me.

Change is happening. And now, as I revisit this memory, I see some honesty in the old me. He's sad, quiet, and lonely, and I'm here with him. The fronting of anger has hidden his truth of being really scared. I see and feel this now. He's not a "bad guy", just me who's been scared and unaided a long time.

It was vivid.

[findingme]

I'm glad you're peeling back these layers and healing them Findingme. And I'm happy for your wife and daughter.

EP, I'd like to encourage you here

I didn't have to dig, trudge, grind, and sweat to become aware of this. Having been in modern therapeutic environments a lot, "peeling" is a common term, and it's used when people are going through major changes.

But.....growing with these subliminals is a godsend since "I" barely have any work to do. The hardest part of using these subliminals, to me, is nothing more than acceptance of the truths I've been avoiding for so long. The subs actually do all the digging, mending, and sewing stuff back together. My "norm" is not normal any more.

And the reason I clearly bring this out is that in all my years of inner work, my belief was simply "this is going to scary and hard". That same belief padlocked me to old habits, thinking, and behaviors. Doing it unaided IS absolutely very hard and discouraging at times. For example, this morning I read a daily email I'd signed up for from Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), and it said all the negative stuff like "we have distanced ourselves from people in our lives." I rejected my old way of accepting this negative truth, but only since I'm on LTU now, and it is changing my whole outlook from "my life is f***ed" to "my life is FUN!" Damn, I'll take the latter any day of the week.

With Shannon's subs, the new becomes "normal" very quickly. Old standards and expectations just don't fit here. The Naturalizer, only one of his resistance prevention tools, makes the new very unseen as it comes in quickly and completely, obliterating old unproductive norms and beliefs.

Change, as often noted by others here, is unseen until someone points it out. That's a beautiful reality.

I've been following posts in your journal, and a few have been pointing you towards E3 since the price is much more realistic for your current income setup. I'd take that ugly dare and jump in as soon as you can!

Life can be GREAT! E2 is a step on the ladder, but if possible, jump on E3 soon. The negative emotions which shout their demands and commands are NO FUN, nor have they ever been.

Think on this before responding. Your emotions are not wrong. They're just emotions. They are not all of you. In time, you'll see those loud parts as just pieces of you trying to find some safe and loving norm. You are lovable, and you are loved. Even while not trusting yourself believing this, it IS true. You are lovable. And you're loved. Live in that, if even for a few seconds. E3 will allow a lot more of it too

[findingme]

After this last texting of my ex, I initiated something I've desired. I said "I've been thinking of you lately", and she replied similarly at about the very same time. She asked about my situation paying child support, as I've had to split it up a few times in recent months.

I said honestly that I've not been short. I shared I've been putting large chunks aside for miner fees and electricity costs (for mining), as I'm getting ready for a withdrawal in 2 weeks.

She called, and we talked maybe 30 minutes. One big reason for her is she'd started dating again, which she'd told me 2 months back or so. One guy she's been dating for a few months she's not really feeling it with. She said I broke her.....wow. She said I was the love of her life, and breaking away from that was not easy at all for her.

Mixed feelings rise.....doubting my own "liking it" mostly. I'll not control this now One "moment" at a time here. Feels good

[findingme]

I've not been writing these last few days, and I realized why this morning. The short answer is fear.

I'm feeling a lot of fear being honest, for I keep trying to do what I've always done: be successful in one area, and try to keep that image in place so you'll only see successful me. Me trying to do this has been damaging my confidence, and 2ce in the last 2 weeks I added ASC to my loops of LTU. And both times, I've changed it back to LTU loops alone. The first time some uneasiness came up, knowing I'd be sabotaging LTU. But last night I simply chose to remove ASC and add 2 more loops of LTU. I'd been reading JakeKennedy's LTU thread, he'd been listening to his gut instincts, admitting adding loops to blow through resistance. So I tried that last night. I'm writing now, so something may have weakened.

Me lying to myself has resurfaced. It's been my most used survival tool, and as fate allowed, I wasn't needed at work this morning. That mad rush of working at work and working for people's acceptance distracts me from this pain inside, the old childish survival norms. My faulty logic has always been "if I'm successful in this area, I can feel good about myself, and the old lying won't be needed". Wrong. It keeps looking for its place. I've been adamant in being successful at work........and the motivation comes from fear. Damn..... I just realized that. Even investing is motivated by frantically trying to hide "the real me". The results aren't bad, but the motivation isn't one I feel comfortable in.

This is what's really been on my mind lately.

While and just before writing that last sentence, my fear was looking for a lie to cover it. Victim thinking ("feel sorry for me") popped up. It's still around, but I recognized it and didn't turn the reigns over to it. Thank God for OTVM!


---- I'm wondering what goal I could focus on with USLM. A real goal to me is an emotional goal, feeling my feelings, both sadness and joy, but letting them come and go. My old thinking is scared of this, yet that's exactly why I began LTU. To clarify: success to me always looked like "have a success and hang on to that good feeling. Live in that feeling as long as possible, recreating it when able". But that hasn't worked. I'm thinking of Zane seeking to accept the flow of life now, his recent posting.

[findingme]

I'm facing, even now, the tug of war that I want/don't want/want/don't want to lie to make myself look good.

Like I keep trying to hide the collection of thoughts/feelings that is me. Me feeling insecure and scared doing what everyone does to handle life.

I know I'm looking at everyday escapes I've used, the little moment-by-moment ones, and I'm trying to be honest with myself. Maybe I'm trying to let go of some.

For me, the running away from the truth right in front of me is one thing: self sabotage. For example, if I clean (my kitchen sink) up here, I can relax. BUT....a fear of feeling successful rises, part of me seeks an escape from that fear, and it's a big or little distraction to avoid both the task AND the feelings of failing to achieve the goal. The resulting feelings are most of what I'll spend my mental energies escaping from, and it turns 15 minutes of life into a quickly organized cluster****. The feelings rarely leave so soon though, and the little task avoided metastasizes into "I'm not successful at all. Life sucks. I don't want ANYONE to see me and my truth.......and my bed is safe, so I'll hide there".

That sounds like most of my time home alone :/ No wonder I don't read my books, for doing that, to me, is seeking success. I always read my nutritional books to help others. I rationalize not doing it with "help yourself, then help someone else".

Part of me smells BS in that last paragraph. It came from my head, not my heart, and my thoughts presently try to show a front. I'll leave it for now.

My feelings say more truth than my thoughts. It's just a lot of times they're uncomfortable. As I'm sitting here, I'm trying to find and feel my truth.

I'm feeling something. Three paragraphs up I wrote, ignoring my feelings, seeking to lie to myself to show success to you, the readers. These are old connections and memories, and old beliefs about success were "I have to be wrong (lie to myself) to be successful". It NEVER, NEVER made me feel good, so I lowered my vision to feel ok with myself. I like and liked the common man mowing lawns for a living, the laborers who truly worked. Maybe that's why I've made peace working in the garbage industry, knowing I was one of them. An honest man.

Wow. Just as I finished that last sentence, old lies came back. I'm having these old images pop up, and I've not had them pop up in 20 years. My old beliefs I built my life around. Fear and lies were there too, holding me back from succeeding and feeling good about myself. Fear hid itself everyday, yet it was a major influencer in my decisions. The fear told me "you'll be safe if you hide", so I have. This is my truth, then and now.
________________________________________________________

This morning, I thought of reporting something, and it's connected to what i just wrote. 2ce last night I got up to use the bathroom, and both times, I had this imagination that someone/something was in my room.

And here's what I'm seeing now. This fear was much, much smaller than in years past, even where 8 hours later I'm seeing the images in my mind, but I'm not owned by fear. Like, the fear (or whatever it once called itself) is present, but all the energy it once had I'm not feeling. I even did a doubletake last night. This must be E3 working, as it's like an unemotional movie now. Thank you thank you thank you.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

LIKE!

This. SO MUCH this.

I can relate to A LOT of what you just said, Findingme.

[findingme]

Thanks EP

[findingme]

I got back on LTU5 a week ago, with good reason.

I've been on another healing sub from another vendor, for it has qualities I desire. I was on it just over a month. Then my mother began going downhill rapidly, doing back to back hospital stays, and hospice was being sighted by her doctors and nurses. She's not getting better.

What became apparent to me was my old ways of tolerating pain just weren't working. Most of it was pure denial by way of distractions and suppression, and I did not feel good at all. While in this emotional state, I longed for feeling good while on a sub, and I thought of Shannon's subs. I've used both E2 (3 months +) and LTU5 (two months? Unsure), but LTU5 has all the tools and power I've looked for in a healing subliminal. So I began it last Monday.

I'm feeling slightly emotionally desperate currently, yet I'm not overwhelmed. I did something today which I've never done.

I just got back from my mom's hospital. When I got there, my sister and my oldest brother were there. I realized (slowly) that neither are real with themselves, nor anyone else. Blatant lies are accepted openly.....what? What I saw repeatedly was them being critical of others and laughing at other's expense. (Truthfully, I'm seeing I was doing it too)

After 30 minutes of talking upstairs, we chose to head down to the cafeteria, as my mom was sleeping. During our conversation, it dawned on me that I was the guy easily dismissed and disrespected. I'd say something, or ask a question, and I'd be insulted and laughed at. It sucked, but wasn't moving me. Yet.

I don't know what shifted, but I'd chosen to put on a single loop of LTU5 maybe 20 minutes before, following another LTU5 user's practice for an "as needed" basis. Maybe that tripped me. I slowly, then quickly, became angry. So angry that in 1 minute's time, I cleaned up my coffee mess, stood up, told them I was leaving, and deserted them while they sought answers as to why. I was PISSED.

I felt hurt and angry inside. I needed to feel safe, and the lying and in-your-face denial of feelings and problems told me to get the fuck out. Running away, IMO, is the only option available when truths are told, but are continuously met with denial or dismissal. I was infuriated knowing neither of them were safe to be around.

I went out to my van, thinking of my choices. I was there for my mom, not them. And she could die any day. I'm leaving to visit my daughter in 2 days out of state, so I turned around and went to my mom's room alone. She was sleeping, but her nurse was giving her some IV meds. I stayed 10 minutes, then left.

While almost to my van again, my sister called me, which I ignored. My immediate response (if I replied) would be "FUCK OFF!!!" My brother met me at my window, and asked me why I left. I told him I didn't like being treated like s***, and before I even finished my 3 second reply, he was already talking, denying completely I'd been treated like s***. He asked me again, the same thing happened, and I said "(brother), GOODBYE!!"

I've never done that. I'm becoming much more aware of old uncomfortable patterns with people.

But truthfully, I think I became angry since I've dismissed myself hundreds of times, I'm aware I'm uncomfortable with it, and I'm actively listening to my emotional needs with the help of these subs. Having others insist on accepting blatant non-truths was NOT going to fly. No way. Hell no.