Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

No, RT, E2 includes Overcome the Victim Mindset. For that one reason alone, I'd used E2 before this present run for brief periods, since I'd lived and survived by it all my life, as needed.

I'd use E2 since the victim mindset is nothing more than me going back to 12 or 13 mentally, feeling sorry for myself, and being alone. It "felt" good initially, but it stacks hopelessness on more hopelessness, and my end result would often be an "emotional crisis". I'd feel alone, in need of rescuing, and only unhealthy people knew how to "rescue".

Going back now......even thinking about it now, brought up feelings of sadness. It's no fun. It just put my happiness in everyone else's hands.

I'm not sure if AM6 has the OVM script, but it does have a focus on giving up that thinking. YES!!

[findingme]

Yo, I also had problem with anger my self, like i cant express my self because im afraid to hurt other and then they will think bad of me and im doomed.
It feels like a victim mind set and it sucks.
But what i found in AM is that, assertiveness is good, anger is good, i learned too use this anger in a good way, its a powerful force that helps get things done.

I think E2 have victim mind in it but im not sure of assertivness training.
Its good to learn how to control and express this anger in posetive way, so that you are in control and not the other way around.

Yadda good luck my friend.

E2 doesn't have assertiveness training, but this is my 2nd run, and some anger has surfaced on it. I'm not sure if it's scripted, but I only assume it's the OE. And while on this posting this morning, I remembered some assertiveness training I'd had in a subliminal hypnosis recording I used 2 years back. I actually felt happy on it. I was a little scared and insecure initially--but I felt like I was given my power back, and it felt great. I'd be around friends of mine, who I'd previously felt powerless around, and I was now smiling a lot. I just felt like I could take care of me. I even made a post to Shannon here while running E2 over a year back asking if he'd put in assertiveness training for E3.

@Shannon, this might be a nice addition to LTU 5.5.

[findingme]

I'll repeat this since it felt so good. Being assertive--even KNOWING I had a voice--was empowering. And freeing. I'll go to AM6 for this, but unexpectedly, it had me believe I could protect and provide for myself. That's worth more than anything, for it was in me, and I didn't worry. That is priceless.

[findingme]

Why am I feeling so bad?
Why did I not tell my mom to stop when she began criticizing me?
Why do I keep going back, expecting her to love me like I needed love?
Why do I often keep my mouth shut when she is criticizing me or someone else?
Why do I miss such a sad time in my life?
Why do I keep going back?
Why am I scared of being vulnerable to my mom?
Why am I ashamed to be linked with her in public?
Why do I turn to an empty well for support?
Why do I think something is wrong with me?
Why do I own HER stuff, thinking it's mine?

Why is so much pain coming up?
Why do I believe "this is all I'll get"?
Why do I not allow myself to feel my pain, and hold it in?
Why am I owned by others?
Why do I feel helpless and even like it sometimes?
Why do I feel shame of this and hide, hoping my isolation is good for me?
Why am I afraid of letting go of this? (cuz I'll grieve)


I'm crying, on and off. I took off work today to take my mom to her doctor's appt. No major issues, but I turned E2 on on my phone before leaving the clinic, and kept it in my pocket. I felt old pain since my mom was doing what she's always done. She was critical to me. Low-key stuff really, but back to back to back little things I noticed. I felt pain and anger, and I just let go of the outcome since pain and anger, in my experience, are often not felt together. I wasn't sure how I'd end this. I've been thinking of AM6 and asserting myself, and anger was definitely brewing in me. I realized I was pulling away from her emotionally. I only spoke up my last 10 minutes there. She made a dig at me, looking for me to laugh with her, and I told her (gently, really) that her comment was painful. She actually caught herself. It turned very intellectual after that by her, but I began it by saying I'm realizing she just doesn't know since I've not spoken up to her. And I'd been sitting on it for an hour so far. So, I spoke up, though I'm still feeling hurt.

And I came here today, NOT wanting to say A+B=C, since it doesn't in emotions. But Shannon had said in a Universal Detox thread (today or yesterday) to chase down the issues by asking why. So, I did. I found a trail. I felt a lot more when asking why, since I know and feel most of my answers when I'm asking. It's embarrassing, and I'm feeling an old shame I felt growing up, for my mom was the neighborhood alcoholic, screaming loudly at us, and neighbor kids all knew about it. Noone spoke about it, and she ......damn.....let out this loud message I saw then, and I saw it again today, which invited shame. That message is "DON'T LOVE MEEEEE!!!!!!" Even us kids weren't allowed to be close to her emotionally. Noone is allowed to love her. I've always felt it similar to a teenager getting her heart broke. She just has never budged from this place of pain. (ewwww! She's even shared some sexual fantasies of hers while I was on DMSI.......yuuuuck!)

Why am I afraid I'm doing the same thing as her?
Why did I instantly own her shit?
Why do I keep women away now?
Why do I fear trusting men? Why? Not all are dangerous and malicious
Why do I keep thinking "if I feel like a child, maybe some adult will rescue me"?
Why am I staying in the SAME shit, day after day, year after year?

Why do I hope someone will save me?
Why do I miss my brother so bad?
Why haven't I let go? Why am I afraid to grieve this?
Why is misery more comfortable? Since.......it keeps everyone away. I've believed that.
Again, why am I terrified of men and women loving me? I might get hurt
Why might I get hurt? I fear sabotaging a good thing, because doing that keeps them away. Not trying prevented pain.
Why do I want to sabotage relationships? I've wanted to test people, to know they'll love me before I trust them, if I even engage people personally. (that's dangerous thinking, I see now)
Why do I live a pain-filled lifestyle? well, since love, in my experience, equaled pain.
Why am I re-creating it? It's so dumb, and so normal


Why am I hurting myself? Since I saw it modeled to me daily growing up.
Why do I feel like that was a lie, a cover for the truth? Damn, I always thought the authority (my mom) was my leader. I greatly feared her abandoning me if I weren't super-glued to her and her standard.
Why am I afraid to grieve? Why am I holding on to this? I'm afraid I'll lose my whole world. I've feared abandoning myself.

[findingme]

Why do I feel shame when I'm honest? I'm fearing I'll be rejected (edit: and feel SHAME).
Why is being rejected so fearful? I've constantly, constantly tried to hide from old memories (of shame) I had and felt while growing up. I felt that Mom not loving me meant I was bad. (I feel shame just thinking about my past) I don't share it since that is such a part of my life and I thought I was stuck with it forever.
Why would that be the only possibility? Why? I've tried to have constants in my life. For a number of years, it was one career (teaching) I was in. Hanging onto that feeling had me think I was secure from emotional dangers like rejection and such.
I'll ask again. Why would that be the ONLY possibility? What other possibilities are there?
We'll get to that. We're digging now. I care about you.
Ugghh.
Why didn't (hiding from shame) work? Damn. I felt like a failure in the midst of success since I was hiding my truth around others. I hated the lying and hiding (since I constantly felt shame). I haven't returned to teaching mainly since I equated it with me lying. (I equate that fear very closely with shame)
Why am I still hiding? Fear (of being handcuffed by shame) became my constant. I held to what was familiar, and that constant was always fear, and isolation with it. I knew me was hidden under it, and I didn't want to lose me. Fear had some reason for being there. I thought that since it hooked me up with the hurting, fearful, little guy inside me.
Do you still desire fear? Do you still wish to hide? Yes, at times. But absolutely not if I had a steady, healthy dose of LOVE to replace it with. I've considered going back on UD after my E2 run since it morphs itself to what each person needs. My one big fear is "what will people here think of me?" I imagine people are thinking I'm a H/C junkie here. But I want to be free.
Why is being free something to be ashamed of? You're moving forward now.

I'm not sure. I want to be free.

[findingme]

I was just reading Mat422's journal, and I'm unsure of myself moving forward. Meaning I'm purposefully digging into my past and that's good for a season. Yet I'm still really plagued by the lack of self confidence and self doubt, the latter bothering me more.

This last week, I wrote one day about making a decision and not doubting myself. Maybe the voice got louder, bolder, and braver after running UD, but it signals to me that I'm still falling back into a comfy (now uncomfortable) survival habit of lying to myself. I did not doubt myself that one time, and I knew right away I was telling the truth. Life is so much easier when I'm not questioning and doubting every decision I make, wondering "was that true?" And simultaneously, that subconscious part of me is fighting for me to live in a dreamy sort of lie.

I am thinking of going back to UD for this after Halloween. While I wrote that last sentence, the oppositional voice got loud. Like "oh no! (discourage, discourage, discourage).

I probably will. Facing now has been difficult lately on E2, and that is my biggest challenge while facing reality. Facing now, both the good and the bad, tells me how healthy I actually am. UD powerfully broke through my fears of seeing the now, which brought tears, for the lie was the biggest hideout of my life.

I'll wait for it. I've wondered if my truthful moment this week was a slightly weaker OE since it was the first in 5.5. I did relax internally in it. Me not lying allowed me to drop my guard and just BE.

[findingme]

I'm slowly realizing the main emotional pattern I've been in. I realized part of this just 20 minutes ago, in the shower.

I've continually tried to hand responsibility for myself over to others, and readers here on the forum have been my most recent targets. I've been at work, acting responsible (when mostly it's a fear of others rejecting me), and I've come home and maybe 3 out of 7 days will get "high" on 2-3 cups of strong coffee and sugar. I feel the internal separation, the self-loathing happening, and I've often come here in some emotional "crisis".

I've been trying and hoping someone would "save" me from..........me being responsible for me.

For one, I'm home and have not had coffee. I did have a big cup of chocolate milk and ate a bag of homemade brownies, so the pattern is active. I'd been accepting I've felt like garbage when coming home, and caffeine is nothing more than a suppressant of my awareness, so I skipped coffee, seeking peace.

I've also been looking objectively at my next sub choice. I loved UD, but its affects were totally unplanned, and there were clear times I wasn't sure what was being worked on. During that time, I kept looking for other subs to stimulate my thinking, and I purchased MLS 5.5. I've only used it maybe 4 times, 2 days tops. I was looking for something to let me ignore my inner fears. I looked to distract myself. I bought ARA and SE in a similar mindset, and I used SE for about a month. I've used ARA periodically, even using it for an ITM sub today when I got home. I knew my anxiousness was rising, thinking I'd do the same thing I'd done in days past (caffeine overload). I'm not caffeinated now; maybe it works. I'm not "high", just here.

I'm telling my truth now, and I feel LOUD. I've tried, like a kid, to not be responsible for me, and THAT is what is STRESSING me. I remembered AM6. Though it's no emotional scrub brush, it does promote taking responsibility for myself. AM6 needs no promotion. It's just a damn effective sub, with time. I'm just scared, likely since I feel vulnerable now.

I'm asking for insight, for my emotional pattern is "keep finding the subs with least resistance and run them". Being here, running E2, and not feeling like I'm flushing out my stuff (meaning I'm not crying a lot), is my reason I'm uncomfortable.

Is this an insight? Keeping all this emotion in me is building up, and a few tears just came through. I remember DavisMind91 saying he sees in almost every E2 run someone has a breakdown. I've not had one. Maybe one is coming.

I'd just imagined being cold and emotionless on AM6. That is why I've looked at UD again, for I know I'll shed tears on it.

I just thought taking responsibility for myself equalled not feeling. I'm a little overloaded, so I'll stop now.

Edit: I've considered LTU 5.5, but I realize......it is an escape tactic to avoid facing painful realities. I'm comparing it to AM6, which is 5G. 5.5 is a lot faster and easier than any 5g sub I've used.

[findingme]

I've been stressed on E2 lately, and I read some old E2 journals last night. I realized I've been trying to convince myself to not run it, that some other sub is better. I've seen some remarks to others doing the same things as I, and I'm identifying.

I'm facing old fears of being hurt if I trust men again, which stems from my brother abandoning me when young. I've noticed how most of my posts lately have had this unspoken message here of "this will make them leave me alone". Fear has been high the last 24 hours.

What I'm feeling and realizing now is this "leave me alone" message isn't new. I've done it for years.

Going to work soon. An old tough, lovable guy I've worked with called me last night. I texted him this morning, hoping I might work with him today.

I'm choosing something good.

[findingme]

I feel kind of rough. Vulnerable, and I am at a hospital waiting on an AlAnon meeting. Sad, but nervous. Going now

[findingme]

The meeting went ok this morning. I hadn't expected it, but when I first chose to speak, I began crying. I only cried about 10 seconds, and I let it. Then I began talking. I shared about 3 times during the meeting, which is not my norm. I'm grateful I went. I went to AlAnon almost 10 (?) years, both during and after college. The main reason I went, which we focused on today, was how the focus is on us, not our family or whoever we have been focusing on. I was raised up thinking my Mom was the only one we were supposed to watch out for, not ourselves. In short, I thought I was wrong to focus on me. It was good to find some rest today, for myself, for I needed that.

Sidenote: I'd not gone in many months, mainly since mostly women go. I talked with my old sponsor about this last night. A few women who still go are hot. I'd used that reason to not go since I'd be the only man, or one of 3 guys in there. No issue popped up today since I was sad, I looked down a lot, and I minded my own business. I didn't go to put on a front, and I didn't.

Also, I am wondering something, and it regards reasons men sought out AM6. I have been on E2, which focuses on healing oneself. I've looked at AM6 since it enables a man to grow up relationally and emotionally. On the sales page, it says one can overcome abandonment issues. That issue has been huge for me here, while on E2. That wound is why I've struggled lately posting, for I've relied on comments and likes to say I am good enough. I thought I'd "grown up" early on using E2, for I was very aware of the self validation going on. But lately, with old brother feelings surfacing, I froze up and tried to push away feelings. Which was why I cried today in AlAnon. Being there meant I was allowed, so I wept.

I'm wondering how many men began AM6 to do some growing up? Shannon's said he's no longer the boy he once was. And reading AM journals encourages me, as it's growth vs. instant change, which I value now. Some begin it for women, some do it for status, but IMO those are just nice add-ons. I'm seeking some self reliance, some confidence in myself, and some knowledge that I have the tools and maturity to accept life on life's terms.

[findingme]

Due to strong feelings coming up, I've used ARA a few times for ITM anxiousness. I've never classified myself as "anxious", but my daughter, who's only 13, has had bad anxiety since our divorce 4 years ago. She's been with a few therapists, and now uses her rottweiler as an unofficial service dog at home to calm her. This was a sign 4 months ago (?) to pick it up, for I wondered if I carried a level of anxiety, unaware. Looking at facts though, I've used caffeine most of the time to suppress it, and I began this habit working for a critical, micro-managing boss 7 years ago. Before that it was like 1 cup of coffee every 2-4 days.

I felt really relieved yesterday running ARA since my worries simply had no control over me after an hour. I didn't have problems like I'd been carrying all day, and I also did not coffee up while home.

The change since using ARA occasionally has been my "norm" of anxiety while healing my emotions.....isn't there. And I'm looking for it--it meant E2 was working, in my thinking. It made E2 much quieter. A strange "problem" to have.

I realized ARA was having an effect this morning while at work. Normally I'd imagine talking to the head boss, and I'd get angry (since I was scared) and hasty in all imagined conversations. This morning I imagined actually connecting with him in an honest, unfearful way, calmly and clearly explaining needs I've had in my department. ARA is doing something nice, as I'm seeing a clear difference.

I'd been running the masked version of E2 these last 3 nights. I'm listening to E2 on US now since the masked does not seem to affect me like the US does.

[findingme]

I'm realizing I've felt this part of E2 before, that feeling of jumping into the future. I remember feeling it over a year back when I first used E2, as I visited my mom then, took her out to lunch, and was joyfully happy the whole time. Now that I think about it, my sole focus was on forgiving her. I felt like I could leap mountains that day, for I believed I had already.

I must be walking into that future connecting again, for my joy is growing in the last 24 hours. Things went really smoothly at work yesterday, for I enjoyed myself. Having that future connecting piece is a beautiful thing to happen since I'm in a new position and role at work, and I'm constantly looking forward wondering how I could excel, fulfill, or initiate projects. Seeing myself already succeeding, whether E2 is doing that or not, is very enjoyable. Thanks Shannon.

For emotional health, I have been on/off in focusing on myself. I valued the AlAnon meeting last Sunday, and one is tonight. I've had fears of being hurt by the women there, or me purposely sabotaging the whole thing out of fear, thus hurting myself. So basically, I need to forgive myself. I've been hurt by women and allowed it, and I'm thinking I'll do that. But I do need connection again. I need to value myself. And forgiving myself is my focus now. E2 is sweet and as slow as I need. I am grateful for that.
Thank you for making this Shannon.

[findingme]

Shannon,

I need to share something which has happened repeatedly on E2, it happened again tonight, and I'm wondering how to understand what is happening.

In addition to running E2 at home on US non-stop, I've been occasionally having opportunity to run it on my phone while at work. However, each time I've run it at work, I've been very sensitive to men being caustic, dismissive, or manipulative. 2 days ago at work I'd run it, and at the end of the day, I felt hurt since my boss hadn't acknowledged me for helping him right before I left. I carried this home, began to write on my E2 thread, but scrapped it knowing I just sought to be validated.

Then, tonight I had E2 running in my pocket, and I played the money game me and 2 guy friends play, and near the end I disagreed with one of them about a rule interpretation. I fought more with emotions than logic, determined to be validated, again. I'm still emotional (angry and determined) now, an hour later.

I'm seeking to understand what's happening. I'll share my middle brother was closest to me, and he left home when I was 12 or 13. He'd also been a loud bully. Am I fighting people who act similarly to him, and is this healthy? I know I'm going towards AM6 after E2, but E2 (to my understanding) doesn't aid in assertiveness. It does in me asserting myself for healing purposes, but I'm emotional now, not feeling too objective.

May I ask for some feedback on this?

That sounds like it's hitting upon those specific insecurities for you.

And when they are being worked on it's more obvious and you're responding in that way or even drawing some of that out of them due to that insecurity coming up.

So it's likely working on something around that.

Thanks Ben. Yes, I agree I'm trying to draw this out of other men; in those moments, I feel like I need to be "right", even if I'm not.

I just dreamed that I was at my workyard, and I assumed a guy unloading his truck needed help. I jumped in, almost starting, and this guy (never saw his face) reclusively said he didn't need help. He wanted to work alone, but I wanted to be the one who helped him. In the dream, I went back 3 times, like minutes apart. Same response, each time. I felt hurt initially. Anger covered it some since it was safer, but I felt hurt, and then angry, since he wouldn't allow me to help.

This is what I felt when I disagreed last night about the game rules. This is repeating itself in my life.

[findingme]

I just dreamed that I was at my workyard, and I assumed a guy unloading his truck needed help. I jumped in, almost starting, and this guy (never saw his face) reclusively said he didn't need help. He wanted to work alone, but I wanted to be the one who helped him. In the dream, I went back 3 times, like minutes apart. Same response, each time. I felt hurt initially. Anger covered it some since it was safer, but I felt hurt, and then angry, since he wouldn't allow me to help.

This is what I felt when I disagreed last night about the game rules. This is repeating itself in my life.

It was my mom's birthday this week, and I took her to lunch today. It was a safe afternoon since she was not emotionally desperate. I did laundry at her place after we came back from lunch, and we talked. We were discussing something about my brother (which I don't like since it's intellectualized complaining). But while talking to her, I connected the dream I had last night and realized what I'm doing in multiple areas of my life. I am trying not to fail again. I got hot last night since I felt I knew the answer to our problem, and I perceived my friend's stance as possibility that I'd feel like and be a failure (in my emotional thinking), so I fought him, fearing exposure. I did have E2 running on my phone in my pocket, so this is why I was triggered.

I shared this with my mom, and she asked what I felt I'd failed at. I was purposefully vague, since the truth is I felt like a failure trying to get her to love me when I was young. I said it was about "issues while growing up", pointing no blame at her. This is not hers to change anyways. It's mine now.

Failing. I felt like a failure, I thought it my shameful identity, often followed by some mad rush to show it's not true. Even tonight, driving home, I put on OP 4G, it motivated me, and I've been thinking "MLS? AM6? UMOP?" considering they all have a focus on OP. Procrastination, for me, has been a hideout all my life. I've jumped into businesses expecting the initial rush to sustain and motivate me, and the shame I was trying to hide began peeking out in days, killing all motivation and drive. I'd feel really bad and speak no more about that business, equating it with feeling like a failure.

What could I do?

I know I'm going to finish 90 days of E2. I'm having to learn to live in the knowledge that this belief......is actually being worked on by E2.
I began OP 4G when I got home, but turned it off after 20 minutes. I'm running E2 now. I just don't want to clean my room