Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

I've been on E2 again, and looking at my last journal, it was Aug. 2nd I started. I'm doing something I've never done. I'm going to make my end date 90 days from now, which is Oct. 31, Halloween.

E2, for me, was always a emotionally safe (non-explosive) sub. I still see it as a safe sub, but I'm more interested this time. It's actually showing evidence of it working in my life, from felt emotions and interactions.

Specifically, I'm finally moving into emotional connections from living with my brother until I was 13. I'd depended on his presence moving into junior high school, but he left home overnight, having been on bad terms with my mom, who bad-mouthed him constantly. I understand why he left now, but I still look for brother replacements in my life, and I'm 47.

For example, I usually act a bit immature around some men I view as leaders to me at work. Near the end of the day yesterday, one of them asked me loudly "you coming into work tomorrow?" I loudly responded "Yes sir!" since he and I play these playful roles often. However, I noticed a shop guy looking down and seriously shaking his head, and I interpreted it like he was shaming me. It hurt at first since I'd been feeling young responding to the first guy. Then, an anger, a growing one, came on me 5 minutes later. I imagined this shop worker abandoning me and sharing how immature I was to others, and them abandoning me. I felt hurt, then angry, but the anger grew. I also realized I'd never felt that reaction to this guy, but.........I saw him abandoning me. I realized this was E2 allowing this.

And today, I worked with a driver I work well with. Some time during the day in our travels, he made a joke towards gays. I've felt unconfident on E2 since it's chipping away my normal fronts, and I'd been feeling fearful some this week, seeking dis-confirmation that I might be gay. I've never had desires for this.......but it's been confused in my head since my "father figure", the only one available for me growing up, was only a year older than I. So I threw out a few angry judgements I've had about gay guys, which I've rarely admitted. Well, I found relief in the conversation since I realized I was missing my 2nd older brother too. He is gay, yet he's not trustworthy at all. But I miss him. So yeah, I have been seeking a brother figure, and I admitted that to my coworker explaining why I'd really brought it up.
I've been fearful of being inadequate around women, thus avoiding them. I've confused being loved and esteemed by male peers with being gay. I'll allow E2 to do its work, as today's revelation is a piece of resolution for me.

I'm imagining going back on DMSI "A" when I'm done with E2. I don't think I was on it long enough to remove enough sexual hangups. And my reason for E2 again actually showed up early in my DMSI journal since I used E2 at least 2 weeks prior to starting DMSI. I'd begun clearing brotherly feelings during that time. So I'm back on it.

[findingme]

I had a clear and simple awareness today from E2. (Did 12 hours last night and 2 hours at work today, all US)

I realized I didn't love myself, and I'm working around men, sending this needy signal hoping someone would love me. This made complete sense since my only regular imputs are all male. In the midst of recent insecurity about my sexuality and these men, this helps BIGTIME. I knew I wasn't gay, but I've needed love and affirmation. And I've felt really vulnerable on E2 this time. It's going deeper (quicker) than it ever did before.

And listening and talking with the front secretary today for 15 minutes, a middle aged woman, relaxed me too. No flirting, just seeking quiet confirmation that I was still easy to talk to. I felt "scary" yesterday, and our conversation today had no strings attached. This caused a number of subtle and not subtle rejections yesterday by men and women, her included.

This realization came together shortly after getting home and turning my speakers up just 5%. I'd been in my bathroom last night with my phone, and turned on Frequensee. It barely registered the US frequency (only 10 feet away), so I upped my PC speaker volume in my room. I don't want to miss exposure when I'm running it.

I don't feel deserving of love presently, but E2 has scripting allowing me to love myself, plus a deservedness training for self healing and regenerating. E2 is good, really good

Thank you thank you thank you!

[findingme]

A test? Yeah.

I was with my friends playing a game last night, and my brother called. Most of my recent interactions with him have had strong guilt and shame trips, so I ignored it. Forgot about the voicemail.

He called this morning, back to back, like an insistence I answer. Ignored it again. But it was only a voicemail. So I listened 10 minutes later. My mom, 78 years old, had fallen, breaking a rib. My brother called from the hospital.

I first called him, but it went to voicemail. So, I called my mom, the main guilt message my brother had left. Seriously, this is f***ing sick; he makes miserable decisions for himself, insisting we do the same, and always getting angry with me or others who think differently. So, I called my mom, thinking she may not be able to pick it up. She did.

She talked 15 minutes. "This went wrong, that went wrong"....... She even got angry at her nurse who vocalized that she'd had enough and had to leave the room. After hearing my mom bitch for 15 minutes, I understood her nurse vacating. When everything is "wrong", why stick around? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

In truth, many things did go wrong, mainly since my mom does not take care of herself physically. An EMT actually tore her skin when he and another EMT were moving her onto a gurney. And when his hand slipped, she dropped with her elbow breaking on the steel bed rail.

I feel like I "should" be compassionate towards my mother, a shaming message--uggghhhh. And this may be very selfish: I've been thinking "you don't take care of yourself. Don't blame OTHERS for you being hurt--this is a result of YOUR actions" She didn't request I come see her since my brother is there, and my other brother is coming from Miami. A very sick trio, IMO. (But it takes one to know one )

Ok, I can stay in touch with her. No problem. And she didn't guilt trip me or anything.

My brother called back, full of angry expectations that I "should" visit. I don't hear love. I hear "I'm angry from being with a person acting helpless, I feel powerless trying to help her, and I need to push my frustration on YOU."

Why the **** would I even want to? S*** spreads.

The guilting and shaming are toxic, toxic, toxic. I'll stay in touch with my mom. My brother--as little as possible.

Thank you for creating OGSF and E2 Shannon. I'd just be "reacting" to everything, like they are, without it. And I used to. I'm really, really not enjoying their created fiasco, and I have no need to "fix" it either. Neither of them are helpless children.

[findingme]

I'm wondering something, and I may see answers while I write, so here goes.

I've been PMing with a member here today, and I shared I was on E2 presently. It was suggested that DMSI might be better for these issues. I was defending my stance on E2, and something hit me.

Do I rely upon and depend on anger towards my mom? Yes, I do. It's the only thing I've ever used to make boundaries for myself. She'd have me living with her, and she "wants" to be taken care of, by all her actions. My brother's presently filling that caretaker role--and he's a mean bastard in response to it. On DMSI I really, really pushed away from her, that bothered me (it GREATLY bothered her), and...........I'm uncertain what healthy is with her presently.

I've "held" onto anger to defend myself from her manipulation. I've also not mentioned it so far, but the elephant in the room is she's a dawn to dusk alcoholic. She's very rarely been sober, and it isolates her.

But......my wondering is "what is healthy for me when this is all she knows?" And would I recognize it? I estranged her from myself while on DMSI, like I've stated. On the other end, a young guy on DMSI has a thread since he lives at home still, and NEEDS to move out since he's sick of the manipulation his mom uses. It gives me hope since, well, I assumed (common lately) that discomfort was all I'd ever feel. I didn't think I'd get past my emotional and relational discomfort while on it. His words are energizing. He's mad, yes, but it's prompting ACTION, which is how change happens. I was angry a lot. Even one female trader I interact with on IG noticed my repulsion toward stupid BS manipulation passed off as her being a "woman". I wasn't ok with it, and I let her know.

This gives hope for returning to DMSI.

.....but I'm on E2 since my male relationships have been surfacing on it. I thought DMSI only dealt with issues relating to the sex we're attracted to. I'm open to correction if I'm wrong.

[Zane]

DMSI-3.2 the only sub I believe digs deep. But it's is we who break and leave it.. I am gonna get back on DMSI soon. It's just that I need time to gather my shit.

My sister used to disrespect me and would think as if I am her slave who will keep doing her stupid shit..she manipulated my parents to get stuff get from me... After being on DMSI I just got tired of her shit and stop talking to her and got absolutely detached from her.. Even if she was in same room as me.. I won't give a fuck about it.. As she wasn't there for me.. She thought this was all a act and that I was a weak dude and will probably start talking to her in few days...

But thanks to DMSI and my IDGAF attitude.. I didn't talk to her for like 40 days.. Never said a word.. Then one days she called me in a hurry in her room and asked my why wasn't I talking to her for past 40 days.. Why.?

I answered.. I am sick of ur shit and manipulating.. I am not gonna be ur slave.. I am ur brother not ur slave.. You only want me to talk to u so that u can use me again.. For bringing ur stupid junk food from market...Told her that I don't need you and so I got no problem...

After that days she suddenly started respecting me and now realised that how stupid she is.. She even told mom that she is kinda "Scared of me"...

I maintain my distance... Now she doesn't bother me anymore.. She knows she can't manipulate me anymore..

[findingme]

Thanks Zane. I've been considering it after E2 anyway. And now I'm wondering, or worrying, if I should wait until 3.3. I've read guys should pull off 3.2 for a month for 3.3. Reading that doesn't make sense; is that true?

[Zane]

Thanks Zane. I've been considering it after E2 anyway. And now I'm wondering, or worrying, if I should wait until 3.3. I've read guys should pull off 3.2 for a month for 3.3. Reading that doesn't make sense; is that true?

Shannon hasn't said anything about pulling off from DMSI right.. When he starts working on 3.3 he will tell us to get of 3.2 a month before.. So no worries.

[findingme]

I have been angry for the last few days. Today it hit hard, and I was rude to a lady who's traded for me. I'm noticing very clearly when I think I'm being used. I worked separate from my driver today, but I saw it suddenly in many people I know, him too. It's pissing me off.

Simultaneously, Overcome the Victim Mentality is kicking in too. I'm purposely not bitching to people. I considered going to a meeting tonight. NO. Hell no. I don't want to hear myself bitch. Nothing changes until something changes; hell no. No.

That's funny to me too. I wanted to bitch here about him, her, my situation......blaaaaaaaaaahhhh. Heehee....I'm saving it

Anyway, I was and am angry.

[findingme]

If it makes any sense, I feel like I'm getting my mind back. That would be my mind, will, and emotions. Being pissed is so much a part of this. Still pissed.

[Jake2015]

A good thing would be for you to ask Shannon on his discussion journal if he plans to add more healing and clearing into 3.3 compared to 3.2 and if 3.3 will be better and stronger than E2 at clearing and healing.

This way you will know if its worthwhile for you to then use 3.3 or stay on E2.

Do understand though that with the healing and clearing, if you execute this in 3.3, the side effect could would and should be you getting plenty of sex - afterall that is what DMSI is for

[findingme]

Jumping subs would not help me Jake. E2 was my 2nd sub purchased, and I've bought half a dozen or more since. I got into feeling like me sub jumping was all I knew, and it felt bad. When I looked at what other people were doing, I saw them committing themselves, posting start and end dates, and reporting.

DMSI is a very powerful sub. But so is E2. So is UD. So is MLS...ARA.....SE, should I say more?

I've looked for greener grass by jumping. I remained, essentially, unchanged. I wasted a lot of my time. That's not been a happy experience.

I'm sticking with my plan. E2 is still digging. When I did E2 a year ago, I hid from the forum. E2 challenged my foundation so much I pulled away from people here who would say "keep going". I wanted control. I sought........ouch.......to remain the same.

Going forward, I'm finding I have to face the changes taking place, consider them, and ask myself when I am eyeing the escape route.........."is this really true?" I've been helped looking at other people's experience using different subs, as we all think everyone thinks what we're thinking. But that's not true. I find encouraging results too.

I'm staying put. Change isn't so hard when I get a bigger picture of my situation and see I'm not alone. It's all good.

[findingme]

Summary: I visited my mom and oldest brother yesterday. A very emotionally desperate environment for anyone needing healthier relationships. I thought I'd not write about it. But I got just a taste this morning of letting my past go. Ahhhhh.

I had to do a drug screen yesterday for work, so I had to head to my mom's town for it, 20 miles away. Texted her while waiting on my test. She was home already with my brother. When I arrived at her place, I quickly noticed things unfulfilling and life-sucking for me, and I didn't say anything, an old survival skill I used growing up.

The main stressor was my brother, a emotionally vacant man whose brain works 1000mph, meaning he never shuts up, changes subjects on a whim, and hears nothing anyone else says. I'd have jumped into the monologue if he ever gave room for it. Didn't happen once. The overload I felt around him made me leave as soon as I could.

It stressed my mom, telling me when she and I were alone that she needed emotional support, and she repeated her point. He'd obviously drained her too.

But I saw something very clearly, which is hope for me. She commented emotional support has been lacking the last 30 years, and I was noticing this: every person she reaches out to is emotionally desperate too. Most are her children, and she mentioned her sister who she's had a rocky relationship for a number of years since my mom expects old needs to be met. So, in short, she's seeking out a pain-making crowd consistently. Wow. It makes me grateful to have experience in 12 step rooms with people trying to get better, making different choices. I wonder from sane choices too, but the door is still open for change. I have choice, and awareness of choice.

Regarding freedom from my past, I got a glimpse of that before writing. I have E2 on US, and I felt suddenly.........FREE. I won't forget my past. But being free from the chains I keep returning to is a beautiful thing. I wondered for a moment, but I know......that executing that rests in my hands too. Wow

[findingme]

I've not felt so emotionally sensitive for a while. I listened to E2 a couple of hours today while at work, and I thought I may feel some old sadness or memories may come up. What came up I'd not expected. I'll share what happened.

I've been sought to fill a position at my job starting 2 Mondays from now, and upon arriving back at the yard to head home, the previous worker for this position approached me. He clarified some things, and he shared something I simply reacted to.

He shared low key, but like it was fact, that he'd been told he had to keep an eye on me since I have "fallen out" before. (WHAT? This was news to me!) I asked for more info, but he said that was all he knew. My reaction was I told another driver close to us "I just learned that I've fallen out here! It's news to me!" He dismissed it and continued his duties, so it stopped there. But I felt offended, like people only have guts to assume something but never--absolutely never--will they talk to me about this. I've withheld outward response to this, yet it pisses me off. It really does. Rant time.

I'm pissed since I work for a company/branch that will watch you and keep tabs on you, but never tell you, nor discuss anything. I feel violated--disrespected since they won't care enough to ask about it or check their thinking. It's breeding grounds for feeling powerless, and the guy who did this position right before me left for that very reason. He'd done major machinery work in another state, but came here and was told literally by the head boss when he requested a different position, "You're not going anywhere. You'll be in that position until I retire". Yes, he's an a**hole.

And to wrap up my day--right with my anger surfacing, #2 boss stops me before I leave. He says I'm actually starting tomorrow in my position. Not bad news, but my mood's stayed.

I'll share what happened the last time I felt like this. I wrote something in Shannon's journal, and Ben made some jest remark. I was honest, and I told Ben I felt hurt and angry. It was silent for a few hours on the journal, and a number of hours later, I owned my shit and shared I'd overreacted. Ben responded he realized I was going through something. And I was, for only a few hours.

About "falling out": when I first began UD, I remember feeling woozy when talking with a mechanic one day, and his facial expression showed it. That was a year ago. However, lately I've been drinking more coffee, which is resistance. Since I work outdoors, it dehydrates me, and I've felt dizzy a number of times. It does piss me off that people watch, but don't care to talk about this "concern". In my anger, it breeds a "you don't care? Why should I?" at work.

It feels similar to me feeling "used". Like I'm used for their monetary benefit ONLY. Why the f*** would they care about someone? F*** them!

Rant done. F*** them!

[findingme]

I know I'm not the only one here, by far. I'm realizing how much and how often I try to deny my feelings. An example is "this company can use me, but f*** them, I'll go employ myself". But......it's embarrassing to admit this to myself--I've been afraid to go out there and do my own thing.

Why? Fears of success, of failing and feeling ashamed, etc., etc. What I've done (seems like hundreds of times) is begin some online business, but peter out since my imagination is set to see failure more than success. But I derailed here some.

I feel sad at this moment since E2 is obviously working on something.....and I feel AFRAID. Fearing I'll lose control and (drama drama drama)......I'll cry. I'll let it go. I'll release fears I've held to.........shit.......

Something in me IS moving, since I am home running E2 on US, and I just let some tears out.

I'm fearing I'll be taken advantage of if I let my guard down.

Yes. That's it.

Looking for "other work" is nothing but fear talking to distract me from feeling my feelings.