EP's UH (Universal Healing) Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Alright, time to finally get off my ass and get to updating.

So... I've DEFINITELY been healing and making internal progress in regards to manifestation, as well as understanding the core needs and insecurities and solutions in regards to blockages and desires for manifestation, which is HUGE! I am definitely also far more easily entering a place of feeling like I can do it and have it when it comes to manifestations. The reason WHY I feel I'm making such progress is because of what I stated above and because ot the shift in feelings when doing manifestation practices in the morning and night (and occasionally the short midday burst) while also changing how long and easily I handle resistance to the methods.

I'm hitting a majour snag, however...


In order to fully complete my manifestation cycle, I am beginning to realize the importance of daily focus on my own goals and pursuits, as well as dedication, commitment and progress towards self actualization and coming into alignment with who I TRULY am. What's the problem with that, you may ask? Well... the problem is that I am meeting with A LOT of resistance, mostly in the form of fear. My fear is SO IMMENSE that as I am beginning to realize that one of the best things I can do for myself is work on singing, I am suddenly getting the urge to drink beer after beer after beer. And I'll be honest; I'm giving in! But I recognize this as a coping mechanism for fear. Why am I so afraid of doing simple shit like just simply doing regular vocal exercises and singing a song each day? I've chosen the star spangled banner, cuz almost everyone in America knows that song, it's a song I like, it's patriotic and it's considered "hard" but it's not insane. It's one and a half octaves, which is a good challenge without being too much, and I can see myself singing it each day without growing to hate it, cuz Murica LOL I DO notice the perfectionism kicking in, as I am frantically trying to gain info on the most efficient methods for singing. I must remind myself that the most important thing is to make an effective and earnest, yet also consistent attempt at improving each day, even if imperfectly is the best way to get where I want to get to and manifest. Best way to do that is adopt an effective daily vocal training regimen already worked out by effective coaches, and then do it each day, followed by signing the Star Spangled Banner. I already have a roughly 60 minute routine based off of Eric Arceneaux's videos on Youtube which I compiled, edited and structured personally for myself. Should work. I also learned just recently a method that has already instantly made my attempts at the star spangled banner less shitty, which involves voice placement itself (singing from what I call "the moustache" in that it's singing partly from the mask, but with a little bit of deliberate nasality, while keeping it speech level, with my larynx relaxed) It's crazy, this has essentially ARLEADY lead to positive development, yet I feel so afraid that I feel the need to self sabotage with beer.

Still, while I AM giving in to my drinking urges, I'm still powering through and summoning up the courage to keep going in regards to my singing pursuits. doing a (seemingly effective) 20 minute exercise that I found on Youtube and then practicing the SSB. Baby steps. right? I mean, I MUST be making progress with UH if I'm even AT THIS POINT at all. This is still farther along than I was at ANY point before using UH, and for my own good, it's probably for the best if I take second to acknowledge and appreciate that.

Thanks Shannon, for making this kind of stuff. It's definitely helping me!

Still, I should note... I AM meeting with A LOT of resistance! Oiyoiyoi! SO MUCH FEAR!!!

I am thinking that once I get through the 6 month mark with UH, it might be for the best to get OFv3 (or 4 if that's out at the time) and focus on my fear in general, because I am beginning to see just how much it's truly affecting every facet of my life! Hopefully, the most important aspects of fear are being covered in this program.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

GOOD LORD, I am meeting with fear based resistance! Even something like following along with a basic 20 minute (not 60 minute like the one I have made up, just easy all in one 20 minute on Youtube, just a baby step) vocal routine is being met with insane amounts of fear and resistance! Also I am now suddenly getting tired after a little over two beers, which is bullshit. This is DEFINITELY a subconscious fear based blockage.

It should be noted that I am nonetheless powering through it and following along witht he routine anyway as I type. It's a good chance to cultivate one of my highest valued traits: courage. That's how I'm spinning this into a positive.

EDIT: Just did the twenty-somethign minute routine, plus sang the star spangled banner. Will continue to practice. Wasn't so bad.

And oh, what do you know? Now that it's over, ALL OF A SUDDEN I no longer feel the fear and resistance. How bout that -_-

LOL

[Shannon]

What exactly was it that you had fear of?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

What exactly was it that you had fear of?

That's the thing. I'm not exactly sure. I think maybe just ANYTHING that might bring me into alignment with my authentic self might trigger a weirdly high amount of fear. I dunno why. In this case, it's doing that which might help me to make music. Whether it's guitar, art or singing. I think it's a fear of making anything creative. Or even moving towards that direction. Dunno why. I also think fear is slowing down my efforts in regards to my Etsy store that I'm trying to start, which would bring financial independence. Maybe a piece of me is also just afraid of change and personal responsibility? **shrug**

[Shannon]

Find out what it is that is feared. That knowledge will be invaluable in helping that part of you get past your fear.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm trying to Shannon. Thanks.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

@Shannon

So I was showering today and I think I figured out the main source of fear regarding the singing thing.

When we suffer abuse growing up, we are taught that we are worthless and something to be ashamed of. This is extremely painful. So we become afraid of doing anything which would be in alignment with who we truly are, because there are many layers of shame and emotional pain and suffering attached to it, due to abusive messages taught to us over the years. We fear experiencing this pain again, so we fear doing anything which would be in alignment with being who we are and asserting our free agency as individuals, another thing which was met with abuse. Actually, that last thing might be the MAIN aspect of it. Asserting free agency = abuse = pain and suffering. It's like Reek from Game of Thrones.

Reek was a noble named Theon Grayjoy , who was tortured by a psychopath named Ramsay Bolton, who tortured him into accepting a new Identity as Reek (cause he reeks, as a result of the horrid living conditions Ramsay put him in" and associates any and all free agency with extreme abuse, so he's a whipped dog that's been thoroughly brought under heel when his family comes to rescue him.

Now obviously, I haven't been put through the EXTREME torture Theon was put through, but the overall principle of associating free agency with pain and abuse and suffering remains the same.

I think that's it. The unconscious mind doesn't know it's safe. It's stuck in the past I guess.

what do you think of that theory?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

The Following is taken from another user's (THolt's) journal and I decided to add it here as well, since it highlights progress I am noticing on my own journey:

Yesterday was my first day back on after my five day break. This morning I felt more relaxed and vivid dreams but nothing much else.

TBH sometimes I wonder if UH is doing anything at all. I just need to be patient and accept that results will take time. This is why journaling is important. You can look back and see the progress you have made even when it seems like you haven't made any.

Remember that this program is designed to make the journey as easy and transparent as possible, so depending on what exactly needs to be done, it may not be obvious at all from a conscious perspective until several months into the journey. That just means it's doing a good job of making the journey easy and transparent.

Right on! I can DEFINITELY tell it's doing something on my end Shannon, because I am QUICKLY piecing important things together that I was suppressing most of my life, and I am doing it easily. I am also finding it easier to let go of things. Not fully there yet, but it's like... I can feel the fucks I once gave about things done to me starting to wane faster than ever! My attitude is shifting in a number of ways and I am becoming increasingly aware of it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Okay so I've been noticing a lot easier time letting go of some of the most hurtful feelings regarding my exfriend. I've also noticed I'm generally less interested in the subject and exfriend as a whole. When I do have negative feelings, they're WAYY less intense than they used to be, wayy more short-lived and I'm able to much more quickly drive at the heart of the matter to see what's REALLY going on underneath that has more to do with my issues around myself. So the healing process there is DEFINITELY making progress, even if most of it IS unconscious. I can still see the differences.

As for the physical side of things, I've begun working out and my whole body hurts, but with a mixture of knocking back shit  tons of meal replacement shakes when I'm not eating, as well as extra sleep and of course this subliminal, I'm noticing the delayed onset muscle soreness getting a lot better a lot quicker than has been usual in the past.

Also, I am noticing my vocals are slowly starting to be able to do certain things they stopped being able to do after damaging them for years, so I'm optimistic there, even if they still have some healing to do before getting to fully healed. Still can't sing, but I can tell my voice is healing, which gets that obstacle out of the way increasingly.

I am also just generally noticing an easier time getting to the heart of a lot of my issues in general and understanding them a lot better and how to properly address and resolve them. That's pretty big IMO.

And a lot of my issues with other people on micro, meso and macro levels are starting to turn into solutions based on focusing on what to do about myself. Again, pretty big deal to me.

I still have MUCH healing to do, but I feel like both physically and psychologically/emotionally I am making good progress.

As for that very mild swelling in my face, it's still there, whether it's real or not. I'm still seeing it. If it's body dysmorphia, I'm confident that will heal in time. If it's physical, who knows what to expect as of yet?

I should also point something out: My brother says the ripping out of my hair and eyelashes, while still prominent, is WAYY less intense and obsessive and all consuming than it once was. This has probably changed over the years. Thsi is still worth noting though, because over  the years, I have been using Shannon's subs and except MLS, all the subs of his that I've been using have at least included some version of EHPRA. I think it shows how much my psychological and emotional state has improved over the years. 

I am also dealing with fear better lately, since starting up on UH.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I was just looking at my gums. I had gingivitis when I started. Now my gums are noticeably in better condition. They were pretty bad when I first started. I've been taking better care of them, don't get me wrong, but the progress here is noticeable and fast enough that I suspect the UH sub has definitely helped a lot.

Could be wrong, but I suspect the UH is likely helping quite a bit.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I was starting to get the hang of the proper looping schedule: 9 days on, 6 days off means that if I start at the beginning of the month, then on the 15th is when I start again, which makes it easier to keep track of, right? But I fucked it up again and totally forgot about it for the last couple of days.

I did good for one month, but just once I was at my last 6 days stretch, I dunno. I guess I got too comfortable and forgot. I'ma need to figure out a reminder for every time it's time to start looping again and resting again, so I don't fuck that up. There might be an app on my phone which can help me remember.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Otherwise, I would say I'm definitely getting better each day and making record progress IMO!

Astounding how well this works, at least when it comes to emotional healing! I'm also noticing my voice seems to have healed up quite a bit. My singing exercises yield much faster results than expected! Course it might also be the different way I'm going about exercising my voice... I dunno.

[MrGnome]

So I was starting to get the hang of the proper looping schedule: 9 days on, 6 days off means that if I start at the beginning of the month, then on the 15th is when I start again, which makes it easier to keep track of, right? But I fucked it up again and totally forgot about it for the last couple of days.

I did good for one month, but just once I was at my last 6 days stretch, I dunno. I guess I got too comfortable and forgot. I'ma need to figure out a reminder for every time it's time to start looping again and resting again, so I don't fuck that up. There might be an app on my phone which can help me remember.

This is why I put it in my agenda on my mobile just to keep track.

Mayby this might help you out as well. 

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah. Come to think of it, it might help to HAVE an agenda on my mobile XD