EP's DMSI Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

At one point, I pass down face down on my bed and I don't even pull it out. I'm just in a hypnogogic state (half asleep, half awake) thinking about some sexual fantasies and next thing I know (I guess because I'd been getting an erection with my body pressed against the bed, and since I was half asleep, not really having the wherewithal to notice) I umm... yeah. Great, now I need to do laundry.

This happened again today. 

Otherwise, I've been getting better and better about not jacking it. Dunno how long it's been since. Not the best at keeping track of time or dates. 

Otherwise, I've been building my energy. 

My desire to get some sort of results is growing, along with my lust. I feel like I'm not seeing any signs of this program ever getting results and it's partially due to me being in my own way and partially due to pickins being slim around here.

I think though that there's a deeper frustration with the feeling of not being the effortlessly attractive person I want to be. I'm just... frustrated. At least I'm no longer in the energy of anger. Frustration is one step higher than that. Next step is being in the energy of hope, then belief, then the energy one is in when one knows one is getting what one wants. So I guess that IS a sign of forward progress. I think it's also just impatience. I'm always wanting to find some way to make results happen better, more and faster. I want more energy. I want results now rather than later. Impatient. I feel stuck. I feel dissatisfied with where I'm at, wanting to get to where I'm trying to be. I feel very stuck and frustrated. I want to push past it and it feels like I'm going nuts with impatience and... doubt. That's also it. Doubt. I need to get past that. If I can get out of the doubt and into having faith that I will get the results I want and patient enough to just enjoy my time until I get them, I think I'll be in a much better and more successful place. The program must be working on that aspect and getting resistance. Man, I hope it breaks through sooner rather than later though.

I really dunno what more I can do other than: eat more, try not to lose any sexual energy in ways like I described above and just be patient. Relax, I guess. Expect results. Easier said than done though for those last two.

I DO need to eat more though. It's hard. I'm just not that hungry most of the time and my food budget is necessarily frugal. I can't afford to eat out and when I can, it's like Taco Bell or a burger joint or something. Money is a whole other issue in and of itself, but both are energy related.