EP UMS Journal pt. 2

[Zubrowka]

Thank you Zubrowka.

Your post was insightful and informative, though I doubt I am actually wrong about most people also having this fear and being afraid to face it. LOOK AT HOW WE LIVE. You will see what I mean, I think.

Still, very useful advice. Thank you.

Yes you are perhaps right about some people, but I don't think that the majority of people are walking around with fear of death on a daily basis, maybe something that pops up from time to time. But don't focus on what other people have problem with, OK to recognize it, but don't get stuck in the loop of thinking that "everyone is messed up" because then you are more likely to project stuff onto people-

Happy to hear that you could make use of what i wrote.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I am not walking around thinking about how other people are messed up. I just came to the realization that most others have this problem too. Look at hiw people live, what they consume and how they tend to filter perspectives and it becomes obvious that having all 3 chakras HELLA blocked is a sad every day phenominon. It is not just "some" people who have this issue. It is sadly most, which is a group I myself belong to in that regard.

But as you say, it is of no matter. I just gotta focus on MY shit.

Thanks Zabrowka.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 3 of carpetbombing. Got my scheduling mixed up. Gonna take longer to bloom so I can get back on schedule because I'm using Google calendar to track this.

Anyway... I was being INCREDIBLY NEGATIVE LATELY, especially today. Because of this, my online mentor from Germany decided he was tired of my negativity and in my current state, I lack the discernment necessary to have a productive discussion with. So he bounced.

My OTHER teacher I was making friends with online? We were talking about some serious power plays going on behind the scenes on the global scale, then something MAJOUR happened. Next thing I know, teacher says this: "I'm off to war"

And when I responded with: \m/

They logged off.

I should have said: "Let me know when you win"

Opportunity lost.

So both my mentors just bounced. Damn. First one? Fine. He taught me all I needed at this point in my life before I can move forward and can't really help me any more at this point anyway.

My other teacher though...

I was learning useful shit! But this "war" is far more important.

Fuck. Now how do I learn more of the stuff they were teaching me? It was REALLY good stuff! Oh well, they taught me a lot already. Surely enough to get me started.

Gotta gst into my body and heal my fear first. Then I gotta work on my sacral chakra and when I get up the money, certain healing techniques.

I also have to focus on making money. SUPER important right now.

Gotta think of what to best spend money on too when the relief fund money comes in. That's my chance to get something really useful. Better spend it wisely. I wonder when UMSv2 is coming out and how much it'll cost?

[Zubrowka]

Day 3 of carpetbombing. Got my scheduling mixed up. Gonna take longer to bloom so I can get back on schedule because I'm using Google calendar to track this.

Anyway... I was being INCREDIBLY NEGATIVE LATELY, especially today. Because of this, my online mentor from Germany decided he was tired of my negativity and in my current state, I lack the discernment necessary to have a productive discussion with. So he bounced.

My OTHER teacher I was making friends with online? We were talking about some serious power plays going on behind the scenes on the global scale, then something MAJOUR happened. Next thing I know, teacher says this: "I'm off to war"

And when I responded with: \m/

They logged off.

I should have said: "Let me know when you win"

Opportunity lost.

So both my mentors just bounced. Damn. First one? Fine. He taught me all I needed at this point in my life before I can move forward and can't really help me any more at this point anyway.

My other teacher though...

I was learning useful shit! But this "war" is far more important.

*****. Now how do I learn more of the stuff they were teaching me? It was REALLY good stuff! Oh well, they taught me a lot already. Surely enough to get me started.

Gotta gst into my body and heal my fear first. Then I gotta work on my sacral chakra and when I get up the money, certain healing techniques.

I also have to focus on making money. SUPER important right now.

Gotta think of what to best spend money on too when the relief fund money comes in. That's my chance to get something really useful. Better spend it wisely. I wonder when UMSv2 is coming out and how much it'll cost?

A good friend of me once told me, when I was in a similar mode as I think you are now - going after different books, different schooling, mentors, etc - that all that you need, you already have inside of yourself. 

So don't sweat it if you loose a mentor. People come, and people go. If you start living with the notion that you already have everything you need inside, that loss will not seem so huge anymore. 

Meditate, listen, tune in to yourself. There you will find the answers you are looking for.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Zabrowka. And I'm sure I can find a way to get in touch with my teacher once they are done kicking ass.

But how I intend to build myself up into somebody I care to be is another question.

You are right: I DO have everything I need. Both teachers have left me with plenty of information. I do not need my German teacher until I have AT LEAST made MAJOR cleanings on my lower 2 chakras. And as for my badass teacher, I do not need them right now. We all need my teacher to do what they are doing right now, or things are going to get depressingly bad. Still, once I really clear my root chakra blockages enough to focus primarilly on my sacral chakra, I was hoping this teacher would be able to help me because they seem to REALLY know their shit. Now I have to figure out what to do after grounding myself not just to progress in things like money, chakra clearing, healing, creative stuff, fitness, manifestation/LoA etc. But also in the things this teacher specializes in. I can find resources, but damn. My badass teacher was a VERY valuable source of very uniquely useful methodry for such practices and information. Still, I have past advice I can utilize, recommended resources, other personally discovered resources, I have some ideas for who I might study and what I might read up on, people I might want to contact for training or at least utilize services of once I have the money, etc. I'm sure I will be fine. I can find my own unique eclectic approach and utilize it until I can get back into contact with them. Most likely once they win, or at least once I have a shit ton of money to fund they're "war chest" so to speak, I can find a way to contact them again. I know my badass teacher isn't rich. Although they ARE very resourceful and highly disciplined, cunning and intelligent. So are their enemies, but not on their level.
Still, they could probably REALLY use money. Money is Batman's superpower. That should ler us kniw how useful it can be.

I just wish I'd bothered to make a comprehensive list of recommended resources before they'd left. I just didn't expect that to happen out of the blue all of a sudden. Nor for what happened to cause them to leave to haplen so soon, although I'm glad it happened.

Oh well. Work with what you got, right? I have all I need and I'm sure I can find out more.

The stuff I probably MOST need them for is mostly really advanced stuff I'm not nearly ready for anyway.

I can find my own way to the point where I'm ready to heavily utilize more of their training.

Thabks for the support and encouragement Zabrowka.

[Zubrowka]

Thanks Zabrowka. And I'm sure I can find a way to get in touch with my teacher once they are done kicking ass.

But how I intend to build myself up into somebody I care to be is another question.

You are right: I DO have everything I need. Both teachers have left me with plenty of information. I do not need my German teacher until I have AT LEAST made MAJOR cleanings on my lower 2 chakras. And as for my badass teacher, I do not need them right now. We all need my teacher to do what they are doing right now, or things are going to get depressingly bad. Still, once I really clear my root chakra blockages enough to focus primarilly on my sacral chakra, I was hoping this teacher would be able to help me because they seem to REALLY know their shit. Now I have to figure out what to do after grounding myself not just to progress in things like money, chakra clearing, healing, creative stuff, fitness, manifestation/LoA etc. But also in the things this teacher specializes in. I can find resources, but damn. My badass teacher was a VERY valuable source of very uniquely useful methodry for such practices and information. Still, I have past advice I can utilize, recommended resources, other personally discovered resources, I have some ideas for who I might study and what I might read up on, people I might want to contact for training or at least utilize services of once I have the money, etc. I'm sure I will be fine. I can find my own unique eclectic approach and utilize it until I can get back into contact with them. Most likely once they win, or at least once I have a shit ton of money to fund they're "war chest" so to speak, I can find a way to contact them again. I know my badass teacher isn't rich. Although they ARE very resourceful and highly disciplined, cunning and intelligent. So are their enemies, but not on their level.
Still, they could probably REALLY use money. Money is Batman's superpower. That should ler us kniw how useful it can be.

I just wish I'd bothered to make a comprehensive list of recommended resources before they'd left. I just didn't expect that to happen out of the blue all of a sudden. Nor for what happened to cause them to leave to haplen so soon, although I'm glad it happened.  

Oh well. Work with what you got, right? I have all I need and I'm sure I can find out more.

The stuff I probably MOST need them for is mostly really advanced stuff I'm not nearly ready for anyway.

I can find my own way to the point where I'm ready to heavily utilize more of their training.

Thabks for the support and encouragement Zabrowka.

One thing I've learned is that no one, how much you hope and want it, will ever know you and what you want and need from life other than yourself. That can be a scary insight, but a much needed one. When you have accepted that, you will find ways to discover more about yourself and what you should do, or not do, next.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Right on. Thanks Zabrowka!

I'll be doing just fine.

You're right. I'm good with what I've git at this point, and I have plenty of means to fins more information and resources which benefit me once I feel I need more. Thanks

[Zubrowka]

Right on. Thanks Zabrowka!

I'll be doing just fine.

You're right. I'm good with what I've git at this point, and I have plenty of means to fins more information and resources which benefit me once I feel I need more. Thanks

I don't think that you are really hearing the point I want to get trough to you. Screw the resources, screw what other people say to you - not for a life-time, because there are wisdom to be learnt from others, but I think you are stuck in a cycle of searching outside of yourself to find answers, while you don't really know what the question is. Learn to shut up, listen to yourself for a while and just be for a while and I think that you will find what you are really looking for, not what you think that you are looking for.

Sorry if I come about in a harsh way, I just see myself in how you go along and think you can benefit from not doing the same mistake over and over as I did for a couple of years - i.e. thinking that there is an "answer" out there to all your problems, where in reality you need to learn to reflect on your own experience and grow from that to find some kind of sense and direction in your life (which is what I think you are really looking for based on reading your posts here).

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Okay. I see your point Zabrowka. Thanks for the advice

That being said, I don't think YOU quite understand me. Part of this is because I am deliberately being vague about what I am looking to do and attempting to learn, so as to be respectful towards the rules of this website.

The stuff I am looking to learn and want to get good at BECAUSE I WANT TO GET GOOD AT IT AND FIND IT FASCINATING is not stuff that is understood or mastered by just simply living your life. It is highly complex material that can MOST CERTAINLY be applied to living one's life, but it is not stuff you just do without knowing anything about it and figure out. It is stuff you HAVE TO STUDY.

It would be as if I had a really good math teacher leave me, and I wanted to become an expert mathematician, but I couldn't talk about math on the forum so I was vague about it and your advice would be to just learn it by living my life. That is NOT how you learn advanced math, I don't think. Although I am no mathematician, so I would not know. But I'm pretty sure this works as an analogy. Study is essential to the subject I am interested in getting good at.

That being said, you are still giving solid advice. And I can still see how what you said still applies in other senses to my situation, so I am grateful for your insight on the matter. Just understand that your impression of what I mean is partially based on a lack of information.

I still intend to find resources on the subject which holds my interest. I will refer ro it as "math" with the quotation marks around it so it is understood I am not literally talking about math from now on.

I have full intention of getting good at this "math" not because I am "seeking answers outside of myself" but because I want to learn how to do it.

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you for your support and your valuable insight.

[Zubrowka]

Okay. I see your point Zabrowka. Thanks for the advice

That being said, I don't think YOU quite understand me. Part of this is because I am deliberately being vague about what I am looking to do and attempting to learn, so as to be respectful towards the rules of this website.

The stuff I am looking to learn and want to get good at BECAUSE I WANT TO GET GOOD AT IT AND FIND IT FASCINATING is not stuff that is understood or mastered by just simply living your life. It is highly complex material that can MOST CERTAINLY be applied to living one's life, but it is not stuff you just do without knowing anything about it and figure out. It is stuff you HAVE TO STUDY.

It would be as if I had a really good math teacher leave me, and I wanted to become an expert mathematician, but I couldn't talk about math on the forum so I was vague about it and your advice would be to just learn it by living my life. That is NOT how you learn advanced math, I don't think. Although I am no mathematician, so I would not know. But I'm pretty sure this works as an analogy. Study is essential to the subject I am interested in getting good at.

That being said, you are still giving solid advice. And I can still see how what you said still applies in other senses to my situation, so I am grateful for your insight on the matter. Just understand that your impression of what I mean is partially based on a lack of information.

I still intend to find resources on the subject which holds my interest. I will refer ro it as "math" with the quotation marks around it so it is understood I am not literally talking about math from now on.

I have full intention of getting good at this "math" not because I am "seeking answers outside of myself" but because I want to learn how to do it.

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you for your support and your valuable insight.

Sure thing I got you, guessing it has to do with some esoteric stuff. I just got the impression that you are doing it as a cop-out for dealing with your emotional problems, google spiritual bypass if you are interested - but that can only you know. Thanks for explaining it in a good way!

PS. other than that I'm all for following what you are passionate about, thats awesome! I also read a great deal of books on chakras and stuff for a while, it's an interesting framework!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Not necessarily, Zabrowka, although I can see how you might think that. I USED to want to use such things for that purpose. Now, healing and connecting with my body and doing all that essential healthy stuff you recommend is rather viewed as a fundamental aspect of the learning process, especially at the beginning level. So in .y view it is rather merely a greater overall part of what I am doing and one of the many plates I am learning to balance. The essential healthy stuff is basic ground level work that enables FURTHER exploration in numerous areas down the line. I view my ability to learn these various arts I endeavor myself towards as being limited by my unhealed state until it heals. That is my current view.

Thanks for listening and taking such an interest, and thanks for your support

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Edit: I am uncertain if such info I have posted is acceptable within limits of this forum's rules. As such, I ha e decided to err on the side of caution and delete it just in case. 

@Shannon Edit: Never mind. I think it may be a better idea to ask Ben privately.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 6 of bloom:

I have decided to simplify my priorities to make tgings more manageable. I have a particular goal which requires I be in top physical shape and the best way to heal my fear is tonget into the present moment and get into my body. Well, meditation seems to bother me somewhat, but I can endeavor to do it 5 to 10 minutes every morning and evening. Otherwise though, the focus is on getting into my body: physical fitness.

I intend to focus first and formost on school and exercise.

I shall find a way to bulk up quickly witg limited resources, then switch my main focus to ensurance, cardio, leg strength and swimming. All in due time.

Also, my badass teacher is still in contact. Current advice: read the complete works of Carlos Castaneda before asking for further study material.

I shall work that is when I have the time.

I have stopped hoping fir or caring about the $1200 check. Once I have cultivated discipline and vital energy, it shall be easier to work such things into .y routine.

I also intend to revitalize my life essence. My prana. My chi or Qi. Whatever one may care to call it. Qigong seems useful towards this end, but I intend to investigate more methodry.

Current main focuses: School, fitness/conditioning, Qigong, chores, nutrition, hygiene and sleep.

Much more streamlined. Easier to manage. What's the word I'm thinking of? Minimalistic.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 2 of carpetbombing:

As I have been looking recently more and more into the development of my current hobby obsession, majour ideas have today been brought to my attention which make me question my approach to everything up until now.

For one, my German mentor pointed out on a forum that much of his sharing of advice and life experiences online have done little to help anybody actually heal, whereas the work he is dedicated to in real life has brought about majour healing. He went on to say that we tend to take information learned in isolation and distort it with out subjectice interpretation because there is no connection to others outside of ourselves to bring clarity on it. He THEN went on to point out how much great advice and information shared with others in text or over video or whatever tends to POINT to the means of healing, but not actually in and of itself help heal. Only real world experience and connection does that. He then pointed out that one can read really useful info all day and yet it won't be truly useful unless one actually applies it to rral world experience and connection rather than isolation and pondering. He uses as an example the difference in efficacy between spending years studying really informational material on healing vs one simple sincere HUG. He then pointed out that he noticed how people experiencinf pain and suffering over something in need of healing often suffer and feel pain in large part due to the loneliness and lack of connection experienced when the painful experience happened.

Then somebody else said in another thread how people who pursue hobbies such as the one I am currently focused on seem to do so out of blockage to the sacral ray and that people who are developed in the lower chakras and the ones above the heart chakra, whether positive (having developed the heart chakra) or negative (having skipped the heart chakra) in energetic orientation, have gotten to a point where ability in such areas comea naturally to them and does not need to be sought, due to the personal development made and the higher levels of responsibility made. From what I have been learning about people HIGHLY developed in the hobby I am pursuing amd highly crystallized in their chakras (both of the positive and negative orientation) this is seeming REALLY insightful and true!

This only goes to show just hkw important real world experience and healing truly are then towards my seeking, even in such areas. If my hobby is not being utilized in a way which actually helps to unblock my chakras and heal them, then of what help/use is it to me really? If I continue to dabble in my current hobby, I only stand to really benefit from doing so in a manner conducive to the balancing and healing of my chakras.

Also, my German mentor also pointed out in his posts that he sees a big problem with the concept of chakras in that when people learn if them, they tend to erroneously treat them as a mechanical thing and the healing and development of them as mechanical, approaching the subject in a mechanical way. He believes that only when one drops that distorted outlook on the concept of chakras does the concept of chakras actually become useful.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Just thought I'd share that.