EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Not much going on. Just started meditating for 10 minutes every morning and it's been helping me get out of bed. I guess there's a lot of stuff that pops into my head when I first get up in the morning.

In general I've just been chilling out with the self analysis. I'm not going to be digging for issues anymore, if they pop up that's fine. But part of my misery is when I try to figure out how to solve all this and get my brain twisted in a knot. Also when I keep comparing myself to "future me". My heads so far in the future with who I think I need to be, I never accept my present self.

It's funny because for years I had pride in myself over how much emotional control I had. Now I've come to realize none of it was healthy. I did more damage trying to be the master over my emotions than just accepting them and getting out of the way.

What's interesting is last night I was working on a track with no intention of finishing. But then I kept going from start to finish and a couple of hours later I had a rough arrangement of what I wanted. That rarely ever happens to me. Staying in the present moment with the music instead of comparing it to other people's music helped me focus on finishing. I guess I never really realized how my writers block was really caused by constantly taking myself out of the music and comparing myself to others.

[Dubls]

8 minutes of daily meditation grounded me through vulnerable times. Glad you found it.

[mat422]

8 minutes of daily meditation grounded me through vulnerable times. Glad you found it.

Yeah I've been off and on with meditation through the years. It wasn't until recently that I really started to get it. Prior to this I always found it stressful.

Anyway, that brings me to my next breakthrough I had. I've always made the mistake of trying to quiet my mind or stop thinking. I now know it's impossible to stop thoughts through sheer force of will. This also means I can't force relaxation or a peaceful mindset. That's a mistake I often made. Trying to force myself into a state of peace. But peace is always with you, it's just covered up by the excessive mental chatter. Same goes for anxiety or depression. Now I just watch those thoughts and emotions without trying to control them or force myself to be happy or content, just letting them pass and I find that a state of peace washes over me when my mind settles down. I don't have to do anything.

The thoughts and emotions are there, whether I realize it or not. So I'm better off bringing them to conscious awareness and letting them pass without reacting to them than trying to force them away or stop thinking them. The most difficult time I have dealing with this is with anger. I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to accepting the emotion of anger. Not necessarily the outward actions of it, just the emotion. Learning that anger doesn't make me a bad person, it's just another type of emotion.

[mat422]

Been a bit. Things have been sort of up and down. Had a good long think about what I want to do with my life.

Something that's been bothering me is I feel like I'm not as capable of achieving the things so many other people achieve. I've actually been thinking about getting into composing music for video games because I'd be able to do what I love and make some kind of living from it. But I see all the great composers and feel like I'll never get there.

I just don't believe in myself and I never have. I don't give up easily, but at the same time it's kind of like stumbling around in the dark until I reach my goal.

For some reason all creative pursuits seem "unrealistic" to me. Maybe it's because all I've ever had drilled into my head through the years are the typical college educated jobs. And to me creative jobs seem almost impossible to attain because you have to be good at what you do. You have to stand out among the thousands of other people looking for the same career and most people absolutely destroy me when it comes to their artistic and technical ability. I feel like those jobs are reserved for the select few and I'm not one of them.

I don't want to believe these things anymore, but I'm having trouble just stopping. If it was that easy I wouldn't be listening to these subliminals. There's so many opportunities in life and it seems like I'm just stuck with the one view that only special people get to actually do what they want, everyone else has to be miserable with their 9-5 grind. Maybe that stems from watching both my parents involved in jobs they hated. They told me I could do anything I wanted in life, but displayed the complete opposite through their actions. And actions always spoke louder than words for me.

[RTBoss]

Be creative just to enjoy yourself. Forget about the end result. Start with what's under your direct control. If you love it, you'll get better as you continue. If it doesn't lead anywhere, at least you're having fun and loving the time spent being creative. Then one day, you just might find the perfect opportunity.

I play guitar, sing, and song-write. Songs come to my head, but I can't play the music on my guitar to match. I've only been playing for a year. My mind used to go to places where I compared myself to famous musicians. But, what's the point? How does that serve me, other than make me feel like there's an insurmountable obstacle to climb? I'm going to just keep learning and having fun. You never know when something might come out of it, and it's important to also accept and be ok with just having fun being creative - even if it only is ever for you, and you alone.

Thinking the other stuff just impedes any real progress toward doing what you want being made.

[mat422]

Be creative just to enjoy yourself. Forget about the end result. Start with what's under your direct control. If you love it, you'll get better as you continue. If it doesn't lead anywhere, at least you're having fun and loving the time spent being creative. Then one day, you just might find the perfect opportunity.

I play guitar, sing, and song-write. Songs come to my head, but I can't play the music on my guitar to match. I've only been playing for a year. My mind used to go to places where I compared myself to famous musicians. But, what's the point? How does that serve me, other than make me feel like there's an insurmountable obstacle to climb? I'm going to just keep learning and having fun. You never know when something might come out of it, and it's important to also accept and be ok with just having fun being creative - even if it only is ever for you, and you alone.

Thinking the other stuff just impedes any real progress toward doing what you want being made.

Thanks. It's a bad habit, I try my best not to do it. I can go a couple of weeks perfectly content with just creating. Then the next couple of weeks fall into a creative slump because I don't like any of my music. And it's one of those things where you can't force yourself to enjoy it, otherwise you hate it.

[mat422]

So I've decided this is what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to be a freelance music composer for video games. I've got a lot of work to do, but I'm determined to do it.

My first goal I've created for myself is to finish a song every week. Doesn't matter how bad it turns out, I'm just going to get into a habit of working on this every week instead of when I feel like it.

My second goal is design a new sound every day. This way I can build up a library of sounds I can quickly turn to when writing a track without getting bogged down in endless tweaking.

That's about all I've got for now. Trying not to bite off more than I can chew.

It's a new year and I'm looking to send my life in the right direction. I've still got that little voice in the back of my head telling me I'm going to fail and to find a safer more realistic alternative, but I'm not giving it any power over me. Instead of getting bummed out when I listen to better music, I'll use it as a source of inspiration to better myself.

Every day I'm going to make a conscious effort to push myself a little further than what I did the day before. If I can keep that up eventually I'll start moving past all my sticking points. Just gotta stay consistent and always remember I can do this.

[Dubls]

Good for you man. That's how it's done.

[apollolux]

So I've decided this is what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to be a freelance music composer for video games. I've got a lot of work to do, but I'm determined to do it.

Groovy stuff, sent you a PM.

[mat422]

Ok so one thing I need to learn better is to pace myself. Sometimes I pile the demands way too high for myself then beat myself up when I don't reach it. So far I've been staying consistent with my goal. But the one thing I've learned with creativity is sometimes you just need to let it come to you and to not force it. So as important as it is to push myself, it's just as important to know when my brain needs some rest.

I've also been doing a lot of research about a career in composing. It seems like it's a highly competitive field and I need to build some serious skills. So that being said, it's going to be a long term goal for me. I'll have to find a job to support me financially while I pursue this because it's unlikely I'll be making enough money or any money at all within the first year. Like I said, a lot of competition out there. Some starting since they were 14 years old. I started making music when I was around 20 and had absolutely no music experience, so I pretty much started from nothing.

That being said, I made a quick track the other day to experiment with how I might compose for a video game. Starting off with a slower tempo and then increasing it as if the main character was entering a battle. It's kind of a desolate wasteland cyber punk theme to it.

https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/desolate

[RTBoss]

https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/desolate

Did you remove the file? I can't seem to access it via the link.

[mat422]

https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/desolate

Did you remove the file? I can't seem to access it via the link.

Crap, put the wrong link. This one should work

https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/desolate/s-wqSaj

[RTBoss]

https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/desolate/s-wqSaj

Sweet. Dig the name and the logo, too. What are you using? FLStudio or the like? Did you say you record your own samples?

[mat422]

https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/desolate/s-wqSaj

Sweet. Dig the name and the logo, too. What are you using? FLStudio or the like? Did you say you record your own samples?

Thanks man. I'm using Reaper. I don't record my own samples yet. I want to, but I have to save up for a decent field recorder mic. But I design most of my sounds in my synthesizer. I'll use presets if they fit too, but I like designing my own sounds because it's more unique to me.