EHPRA Journal

[ArcticFox]

-Reduce the fear enough to get a good job and stay employed. In the past I eventually quit or sabotage myself so I lose it.

-Reduce my fear around perfection or not being good enough. I make electronic music and I've found my biggest problem is worrying if my music is good enough or if I'm doing things right. It completely kills the creative flow. On top of that I avoid doing the thing I love the most. I'll also rarely ever finish anything and even if I do it's a huge mental strain. I've noticed the most successful people are the ones who aren't afraid to make mistakes and aren't hung up on doing things perfect

- Cut down on some of my more general anxiety. For as long as I can remember I've had this persistent feeling of being screwed in life. Like no matter what I do it's all going to turn out horribly. It's a pretty unpleasant feeling to wake up to in the morning and makes me hate going to sleep at night.

- Open up more with friends and family. I have a huge wall built up. I've never felt like I could get close to people, it's like I'm always keeping them at arms length because I'm afraid of something horrible happening if I open up.

I would have hoped that EPHRA would have been able to clear some of the issues you mention, especially after running for a whole year?

[mat422]

-Reduce the fear enough to get a good job and stay employed. In the past I eventually quit or sabotage myself so I lose it.

-Reduce my fear around perfection or not being good enough. I make electronic music and I've found my biggest problem is worrying if my music is good enough or if I'm doing things right. It completely kills the creative flow. On top of that I avoid doing the thing I love the most. I'll also rarely ever finish anything and even if I do it's a huge mental strain. I've noticed the most successful people are the ones who aren't afraid to make mistakes and aren't hung up on doing things perfect

- Cut down on some of my more general anxiety. For as long as I can remember I've had this persistent feeling of being screwed in life. Like no matter what I do it's all going to turn out horribly. It's a pretty unpleasant feeling to wake up to in the morning and makes me hate going to sleep at night.

- Open up more with friends and family. I have a huge wall built up. I've never felt like I could get close to people, it's like I'm always keeping them at arms length because I'm afraid of something horrible happening if I open up.

I would have hoped that EPHRA would have been able to clear some of the issues you mention, especially after running for a whole year?

Yeah that's what I hoped for too. I'll eventually go back to it if OF doesn't deliver because I did make some great changes on it. I think the problem was fear has always held me back from accepting the subliminals and making changes. So it's like running into a brick wall over and over.

A lot of the issues I face are identical to some of the things my mom's side of the family deals with. So definitely being born with a certain temperament caused a whole breeding ground of negative beliefs and dysfunctional behavior.

[Geodude]

Don't worry. I went from EPRHA straight to OF. OF will take care of the stuff that EPRHA missed. You're in for a serious treat if you did EPRHA for a year. I salute you for having that level of commitment.

[Zane]

I guess people on this forum have realised that how much "fear" stops their progress...I guess it will be a good Idea for OF fear to come out in 5G

[mat422]

Don't worry. I went from EPRHA straight to OF. OF will take care of the stuff that EPRHA missed. You're in for a serious treat if you did EPRHA for a year. I salute you for having that level of commitment.

Good to know. Thanks, subliminals are just about the easiest thing to commit to in my life haha.

I guess people on this forum have realised that how much "fear" stops their progress...I guess it will be a good Idea for OF fear to come out in 5G

This is my opinion, but I think people in general are becoming more aware of their limitations and looking to overcome them. A lot of people live with fear but have accepted it as a necessary part of life instead of questioning it. Ironically probably because of fear.

---

Quick update on OF. Had a dream last night that was like a throwback to high school. I was showing everyone in class my music and in the end it turns out they liked it. Some even wanted to know how to make music too. It made me feel good because I always enjoy helping people and giving them guidance. Just made me realize when I get better at making music I'll probably make tutorials for other struggling beginners out there so they can avoid the traps I fell into. That's one thing that always bums me out about some talented producers, they guard their secrets and aren't willing to share.

Anyway I've been cycling in and out of feeling pretty good and absolutely miserable. The miserable days go away fairly quickly if I allow them and don't fight them. The problem is sometimes friends want to hang out, stuff needs to be done, etc. and I kind of power through it at the expense of my energy. That's one thing that's always tricky, it's hard to tell what is genuine lack of energy vs a tactic from the subconscious mind. I'm sure everyone's had those days where you don't feel like going out with friends but you do anyway and have a great time. But then you do the same thing another day and it turns out you shouldn't have gone out. Kind of like a gamble really.

[mat422]

Had a realization today that I'm constantly fighting my own nature and my self. Constantly comparing myself to others, feeling like a failure, and that I have so much to fix. Being myself is just about the hardest thing for me to do. On top of that I still hold the belief that people in general don't like me. But my biggest fear is being myself around people because if they reject me I tend to take it as a flaw in my character and that there is something wrong with me. So I'm slowly beginning to change my attitude from "what's wrong with me?" to "not everyone is going to like me and that's ok". I could probably go into a lengthy discussion about where this all comes from, but truthfully I don't know. All I know is I've always been kind of different and it's a bad habit of mine when my inner critic tells me I need to try harder to be someone I'm not.

Also I've been feeling really upset lately about the shallowness and unempathetic nature of some people in this world. I was thinking how we are all human, but we're mostly treated as disposable commodities. Part of my anxiety comes from the fact that I feel like some people, not all, are incapable of distinguishing between someone as an individual vs their career, what they own, their social status, etc. I just hate it because if someone looked at my life from the outside they'd see someone who is unemployed and accuse me of being lazy or entitled or whatever. They wouldn't bother to ask why I'm unemployed, if maybe I'm struggling with something. I'm a complex individual, as are most people, but it seems like people really love shoving you into a box. And I admit, I am guilty of it too. But I do it as an automatic thing and then catch myself and restructure my thinking. But lately I'm seeing everyone as a unique individual. I think fear is what causes people to categorize and want systems and familiar patterns. It's a fear of not knowing and instead of being ok with the fact that we can't know everything, some people insist on enforcing their own rigid belief system.

But I feel like as the fear lifts I'm also more comfortable with allowing myself to feel all the things I hide away. The depression, the anxiety, the low self esteem, the perfectionism. I used to abuse myself for having these problems and thought it made me broken and weak. But the truth is the problems I face suck and that's it. They are just problems that need to be solved and I don't have to be ashamed of experiencing them. And having them doesn't make me any less of a person than anyone else. I believe most of these things are so hard to overcome because society is very unforgiving and there's still a huge stigma surrounding subjects like mental health. And that's a shame because when people are ashamed of their own problems they lash out or put down others who are willing to be more open.

[Voytek]

Actually, OF implemented into WM2 works amazingly! I`ve no aproach anxiety at all and don`t feel any social anxiety, I feel so powerful and natural, even when someone want to disrespect me or laugh at me.

[Benjamin]

Actually, OF implemented into WM2 works amazingly! Smile I`ve no aproach anxiety at all and don`t feel any social anxiety, I feel so powerful and natural, even when someone want to disrespect me or laugh at me.

That's good to know, before you started WM2 how were those things? (approach anxiety and social anxiety).

[Voytek]

Actually, OF implemented into WM2 works amazingly! Smile I`ve no aproach anxiety at all and don`t feel any social anxiety, I feel so powerful and natural, even when someone want to disrespect me or laugh at me.

That's good to know, before you started WM2 how were those things? (approach anxiety and social anxiety).

I wasn`t so confident and natural in interactions, also I wans`t so confident when I was conversing with women and now I can approach any woman without any hesitation and talk with her very easily.

Actually, I`ll post this info into my thread.

[Natious]

But I feel like as the fear lifts I'm also more comfortable with allowing myself to feel all the things I hide away. The depression, the anxiety, the low self esteem, the perfectionism. I used to abuse myself for having these problems and thought it made me broken and weak. But the truth is the problems I face suck and that's it. They are just problems that need to be solved and I don't have to be ashamed of experiencing them. And having them doesn't make me any less of a person than anyone else. I believe most of these things are so hard to overcome because society is very unforgiving and there's still a huge stigma surrounding subjects like mental health. And that's a shame because when people are ashamed of their own problems they lash out or put down others who are willing to be more open.

Had a very a similar realization about a month ago and it sometimes gets pretty bad, I don't stuff them down as much as I used to. Mine seem to have some guilt and shame behind them too so I don't expect OF to get rid of them all. I'm sure it gets better for the both of us.

[CatMan]

Actually, OF implemented into WM2 works amazingly! I`ve no aproach anxiety at all and don`t feel any social anxiety, I feel so powerful and natural, even when someone want to disrespect me or laugh at me.

I wasn`t so confident and natural in interactions, also I wans`t so confident when I was conversing with women and now I can approach any woman without any hesitation and talk with her very easily.

Wow.

Sounds like I ran the wrong program .

I'm so happy for you, pal.

[mat422]

But I feel like as the fear lifts I'm also more comfortable with allowing myself to feel all the things I hide away. The depression, the anxiety, the low self esteem, the perfectionism. I used to abuse myself for having these problems and thought it made me broken and weak. But the truth is the problems I face suck and that's it. They are just problems that need to be solved and I don't have to be ashamed of experiencing them. And having them doesn't make me any less of a person than anyone else. I believe most of these things are so hard to overcome because society is very unforgiving and there's still a huge stigma surrounding subjects like mental health. And that's a shame because when people are ashamed of their own problems they lash out or put down others who are willing to be more open.

Had a very a similar realization about a month ago and it sometimes gets pretty bad, I don't stuff them down as much as I used to. Mine seem to have some guilt and shame behind them too so I don't expect OF to get rid of them all. I'm sure it gets better for the both of us.

Yeah it's hard sometimes coming face to face with the things you've pushed down for so long. Especially when it's become such a strong habit. In my opinion men deal with this more than women and a lot of dysfunction arises out of it.

[dissonance]

Thanks guys. We'll see what happens. Fingers crossed. I'm ready to go through hell and back if it means getting the freedom I want.

So do you think fear comes before, and is the cause of self-loathing/low-self-esteem?

By the way, the closer to finishing your post I got, the more I was mindboggled, because you literally sound like my doppleganger. I have the exact same problems as you. I've procrastinated getting the part-time job I want, I have a huge wall built up between me and my family because for some reason, I don't want to be close to them, and I put up this closed-off-persona in front of them, and some friends too, except with them, it's a different persona. With them, its an overcompensating persona. Also, I have a lot of agoraphobic tendency as well, which definitely contributed to me putting off getting a job for this long. On top of all that... I make electronic music too!! and I have the exact same perspective and feelings. When I come up with an idea I like, I second guess myself and say, is this really something good, or should i stop working, and work on something new, messing up with the flow. I have a TON of ideas/sketches in my DAW folder, but only a few (very few) actually completed projects. One reason I decided on doing OF is for the music, too, and not fearing whether or not what I make is good or bad, and just MAKING music to practice, because the more I practice the BETTER it will get, and my style will develop more and more. I know this, but my fear of never making something great, or fear of the process of making non-successful songs/tracks and feeling like you're getting nowhere makes me a over-perfectionist, and messes with creative flow, like you said.

For me, I have a few other problems too, like overcompensation or acting like someone who isn't me. But yeah, I can't wait to start this sub. Hopefully Shannon finishes OF 5G soon, because my mom is cutting off funds next year, and I NEED to get that job or I'm screwed.

In a few days, I'm going to start OF 1.1, and start a journal. Cheers.

It's really hard to say. There might be some self esteem issues independent of the fear. But at this point in my life it's more important to address the fear so I can actually survive in life. I can always address the self esteem stuff at a later time. Also I feel like having less fear of people in general and building more relationships will naturally raise my own self esteem. At this point I feel like fear sort of neutralizes any kind of positive interactions I have with people in my life.

There's a ton of people in this world that go through the exact same stuff we do. I've learned through the years that you aren't alone. It always amazes me when two people share such a similar struggle. I think it definitely shows some kind of underlying root cause that can be addressed.

What genre do you make? Or do you experiment in all different types? I'm mainly into drum and bass. I know how tough it is to just finish a track, it's like the more time you spend on it the more the self doubt creeps in. I've got a track I'm working on now that went through 6 revisions, and at this point the song has completely changed and I don't even know if it was for the better haha. I don't know if you can relate to this but I can make a nice 4 or 8 bar loop that sounds like it could be something good, but the closer it gets to actually being a completed song the more the fear sets in. Especially because I compare it to my favorite artists after and it can't even compete with the quality of theirs. Creative struggles sure are a bitch to deal with.

I'll definitely be checking out your journal. Good luck with OF.

I read some more stuff online about self-esteem & fear, and I've come across two pages that say low-self-esteem is the root of fear. I'm wondering if this is true, if it is true, then a self-esteem sub would be more powerful than an OF sub because it's dealing with problems at an even deeper root. However, I'm wondering, if a self-esteem sub was made, would our subconscious know how to interpret the term "self-esteem", and know what exactly to target in our subconscious? What I mean is self-esteem is just a man-made word used to represent something in our higher consciousness. Would our subconscious know what the script means by "self-esteem", and connect the term "self-esteem" to the true aspect of our higher consciousness that we aim to label as "self-esteem", and that we assume even exists?


Here are the links:

http://ourbestversion.com/2008/07/low-se...-problems/

https://books.google.com/books?id=AayNKb...em&f=false


Though, the search that I did to get to these pages was "fear is the root of all negative emotions", so which is it? Fear or self-esteem?

Any thoughts are welcome.

*edit* I posted this in the FAQ too for discussion, so it wont hijack your journal

[mat422]

Thanks guys. We'll see what happens. Fingers crossed. I'm ready to go through hell and back if it means getting the freedom I want.

So do you think fear comes before, and is the cause of self-loathing/low-self-esteem?

By the way, the closer to finishing your post I got, the more I was mindboggled, because you literally sound like my doppleganger. I have the exact same problems as you. I've procrastinated getting the part-time job I want, I have a huge wall built up between me and my family because for some reason, I don't want to be close to them, and I put up this closed-off-persona in front of them, and some friends too, except with them, it's a different persona. With them, its an overcompensating persona. Also, I have a lot of agoraphobic tendency as well, which definitely contributed to me putting off getting a job for this long. On top of all that... I make electronic music too!! and I have the exact same perspective and feelings. When I come up with an idea I like, I second guess myself and say, is this really something good, or should i stop working, and work on something new, messing up with the flow. I have a TON of ideas/sketches in my DAW folder, but only a few (very few) actually completed projects. One reason I decided on doing OF is for the music, too, and not fearing whether or not what I make is good or bad, and just MAKING music to practice, because the more I practice the BETTER it will get, and my style will develop more and more. I know this, but my fear of never making something great, or fear of the process of making non-successful songs/tracks and feeling like you're getting nowhere makes me a over-perfectionist, and messes with creative flow, like you said.

For me, I have a few other problems too, like overcompensation or acting like someone who isn't me. But yeah, I can't wait to start this sub. Hopefully Shannon finishes OF 5G soon, because my mom is cutting off funds next year, and I NEED to get that job or I'm screwed.

In a few days, I'm going to start OF 1.1, and start a journal. Cheers.

It's really hard to say. There might be some self esteem issues independent of the fear. But at this point in my life it's more important to address the fear so I can actually survive in life. I can always address the self esteem stuff at a later time. Also I feel like having less fear of people in general and building more relationships will naturally raise my own self esteem. At this point I feel like fear sort of neutralizes any kind of positive interactions I have with people in my life.

There's a ton of people in this world that go through the exact same stuff we do. I've learned through the years that you aren't alone. It always amazes me when two people share such a similar struggle. I think it definitely shows some kind of underlying root cause that can be addressed.

What genre do you make? Or do you experiment in all different types? I'm mainly into drum and bass. I know how tough it is to just finish a track, it's like the more time you spend on it the more the self doubt creeps in. I've got a track I'm working on now that went through 6 revisions, and at this point the song has completely changed and I don't even know if it was for the better haha. I don't know if you can relate to this but I can make a nice 4 or 8 bar loop that sounds like it could be something good, but the closer it gets to actually being a completed song the more the fear sets in. Especially because I compare it to my favorite artists after and it can't even compete with the quality of theirs. Creative struggles sure are a bitch to deal with.

I'll definitely be checking out your journal. Good luck with OF.

I read some more stuff online about self-esteem & fear, and I've come across two pages that say low-self-esteem is the root of fear. I'm wondering if this is true, if it is true, then a self-esteem sub would be more powerful than an OF sub because it's dealing with problems at an even deeper root. However, I'm wondering, if a self-esteem sub was made, would our subconscious know how to interpret the term "self-esteem", and know what exactly to target in our subconscious? What I mean is self-esteem is just a man-made word used to represent something in our higher consciousness. Would our subconscious know what the script means by "self-esteem", and connect the term "self-esteem" to the true aspect of our higher consciousness that we aim to label as "self-esteem", and that we assume even exists?


Here are the links:

http://ourbestversion.com/2008/07/low-se...-problems/

https://books.google.com/books?id=AayNKb...em&f=false


Though, the search that I did to get to these pages was "fear is the root of all negative emotions", so which is it? Fear or self-esteem?

Any thoughts are welcome.

*edit* I posted this in the FAQ too for discussion, so it wont hijack your journal

Unfortunately I don't have the answers for you. Self esteem could be the root of fear and it could not be. My best advice for you is to run OF for 32 days and then assess from there. That's what I'm going to be doing because I'm still unsure where I stand on self esteem vs fear. See it's complicated. Let's say you're not open to love. You could be saying in your head consciously "I'm not good enough", but really the root feeling is fear of that person eventually leaving or abandoning you. That has nothing to do with self esteem. But we could wrongly misinterpret it as a self esteem problem because that makes more logical sense. Whereas saying I have a fear of people leaving me is almost like a dead end. Where do you go from there? It's just a fear that sits there. Or a fear that eventually people will turn on you or backstab you. Again nothing to do with self esteem, just fear.

You really have to ask yourself where your biggest issue lies. Are you more closed off from people because you don't like yourself? Or is it because you don't trust a lot of people? Or the idea of showing your true self to people and them rejecting it scares you?

That's the thing about symptoms. People can have similar symptoms, but different causes. A person that's afraid of people can respond in the same way as a person that hates themselves. But the root cause is different.

It's all about experimenting man. I've been on this journey for most of my life and I've come to realize it's never just one thing. But some things have more presence in your life and others lurk beneath the surface.