EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Got slammed with a major migraine yesterday, but it showed me something. I have my limits and I have to show myself compassion when I reach them, not criticize myself for not being able to move past whatever it is. My mistake is whenever I came up against something hard in E2 my first instinct was to just push past it because I'm always telling myself I'm not pushing myself enough or I'm being too complacent. But pushing myself past stuff just for the sake of insecurity just leads to more problems than growth.

It seems like I was also fighting this blank state E2 tends to bring about, where it's like I temporarily step outside myself and allow my subconscious to take care of whats going on inside me. I thought it was a bad thing because I read a lot about emotional disconnect and how you need to be more mindful. But the blank state is necessary to deal with any underlying traumas without the conscious mind getting wrapped up in it. All in all, a lot of my frustrations and difficulties were a direct result of fighting the instructions of the subliminal because I had my preconceived notions of how I'm supposed be experiencing emotional healing.

[mat422]

One thing I need to eliminate from my life is the need to do things perfectly. My quest for perfection is actually just an elaborate coping mechanism for being afraid of doing something wrong or being unwilling to acknowledge my shortcomings. And all this goes back to my self worth and how I measure it based on my ability to be proficient in something.

In a way my entire life has been my biggest procrastination project, trying to figure out everything and get things perfect before I stepped out into the world. Life just doesn't work like that and I thought somehow if I worked on myself enough I'd have this level of control that I desired. A guarantee that my life would be smooth sailing. But I just don't think that's in the cards for me and I need to embrace that.

[mat422]

Perfect example popped up yesterday. I've been looking into some advanced applications for the control surface I have for my music program. I saw all these other users online doing amazing things with it and felt like I should do it to. But I thought about it some more and there wasn't actually any genuine desire to do it. It just felt like because everyone else did it, I should too and if I backed out of learning I was missing out and giving up.

Psychologists talk about the word should a lot. It's a terrible word because it implies guilt that we aren't doing something or that we aren't a certain way. When I see people really proficient in something there's always this feeling of jealousy and insecurity that I should be able to do it too. And if I can't, then I don't measure up as well to others around me. One of my weaknesses is my constant obsession with trying to be good at everything. It's not bad to learn new things, but when your ego is in the way you start over complicating things. A funny quote that pretty much embodies my whole messed up mindset surrounding things with my music.

I thought using loops was cheating, so I programmed my own using samples. I then thought using samples was cheating, so I recorded real drums. I then thought that programming it was cheating, so I learned to play drums for real. I then thought using bought drums was cheating, so I learned to make my own. I then thought using premade skins was cheating, so I killed a goat and skinned it. I then thought that that was cheating too, so I grew my own goat from a baby goat. I also think that is cheating, but I’m not sure where to go from here. I haven’t made any music lately, what with the goat farming and all.

The point is as a human being I only have so much time and resources to work towards something and if I spread myself too thin in an effort to be good at everything I'll be good at nothing.

[Chris P. Bacon]

That is an amazing quote!!! I laughed a bit at it.

[mat422]

Glad you liked it. It's funny but at the same time I've interacted with guys who have a tendency push this type of dogma.

Anyway a quick update with how I'm doing. I've been practicing gratitude again. I fell off that habit, but I'm back to it. Been reading more of reality transurfing and I'm just focusing on keeping up with the good vibes. Been taking the seriousness out of life lately and just focusing on enjoying all it has to offer. That means less time on these forums, when I'm on here too much there's a tendency to start comparing myself to everyone else and that's no good for me.

Overall I've just been trying to be easier with myself and it's been working out better. That includes this journey with E2. There's a certain part of me that wants to heal all my issues and just be a more functional person purely for the sake of not being ashamed of who I am. But motivation by shame is never good, so I need to leave that behind and show myself the compassion I deserve regardless of where I am in life. It definitely still feels strange being kind to myself, but I think I'm getting better at it. There's a tendency to believe if I'm not pushing myself all the time I'll just be lazy, but ironically all that pushing is what causes my anxiety which causes all the procrastination.

Also one more thing. I realize I've built up a lot of walls. My primary defense in life is to reject myself before others can. It's led to a lot of self loathing and belief that I'm a terrible person. I push people away a lot, I tend to not see my own value in relationships, and in general just makes me far more closed off to everyone in my life than I'd like to be. I know going through life not liking yourself is no way to be, but it really hit me today that I need this to change.

[mat422]

I'm really up and down lately. I'll get these moments of positivity followed by a drop. I can't figure out why the drop happens. It's like I can't maintain a state of mind where I'm positive. Maybe it has more to do with me using willpower to remain positive and it's the negative beliefs still kicking in and I'm fighting it. At that point maybe I shouldn't even bother trying so hard to remain positive all the time. Especially if it's more of a temporary bandaid than a fundamental restructuring of my thoughts.

The fact is sometimes I'm filled with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. Like I lose faith that anything could ever be different for me because I've already tried so much. These are my moments of weakness and during them I find it damn near impossible to shift myself out of them through sheer willpower alone.

It's like one day I see all this negative stuff and I think to myself, why did I ever hold onto or believe that? But then on my down days I'm falling into the same old patterns and whatever wisdom I gained that allowed me to see the lack of validity of those negative beliefs just gets thrown right out the damn window. I'm witness to my same destructive patterns but it's like I'm in the passengers seat and there's nothing I can do.

Basically nothing makes sense anymore to me. I don't see any kind of path of healing I'm taking because it's all so unpredictable and random. I could guess what E2 is working on, but it probably wouldn't even scratch the surface.

[RTBoss]

Are you starting to get an idea of an end date, or do you feel like you still have a long way to go with E2?

[mat422]

Are you starting to get an idea of an end date, or do you feel like you still have a long way to go with E2?

It's hard to say. I'm leaning towards having a long way to go. I still see a lot of self defeating patterns that sneak up on me. I'm sticking with E2 for the long run though, at this point in time it's the only sub for me. The way I see it a lot of people build their lives and realities around whatever coping mechanisms they've developed over the years, but my goal is to remove all those so I can exercise more free will. It's not exactly a straightforward tasks which causes a lot of difficulties.

[Aventus45]

Hey Mat

How many days are you on E2? Do you think You've changed all that much?

[mat422]

Hey Mat

How many days are you on E2? Do you think You've changed all that much?

Probably easier for me to go by months at this point. I've been running this thing for about 8 months now. I've definitely changed. But I've said it in a lot of my other posts here, I was pretty much rock bottom. So even though I've come pretty far I still have a long way to go.

[mat422]

It's getting to the point with E2 where I'm more in tune with who I am as a person. The problem is it seems like the more I get in touch with who I am, the more I realize how out of place I feel. Maybe I'm on the wrong path or something, I don't know. I've been sticking with the computer programming, but several times now I've just sat there and questioned why I'm even doing it. I haven't given it an honest try yet as a career, but so far it's not grabbing my attention as much as I would have liked. It feels like I'm sticking with it just so I have a marketable skill and some value in the job hunt. Also I feel like I'm striving towards something and not just killing time and procrastinating with my life. But maybe I'm just deluding myself and avoiding the truth. Backup plans are always good I guess, but the problem is I don't seem to have a main plan.

It still feels like I'm primarily motivated by shame and fear. I want that to end because all it does is lead me to bad life choices that I come to regret later. Lately I'm just really envious of people that just fall into stuff and their life unfolds in a pleasant way. For me it's just felt like one hurdle after the next, never getting a break and wondering if I ever will. If my destiny in life is to just constantly be swimming upstream till the day I die. If someone told me that was what my life would be I'd make the best of it. What kills me every day is thinking that maybe if I just cleared more limiting beliefs or visualized or practiced LOA more maybe I could live better. It's the not knowing what's predetermined fate vs things I can change that get to me. Maybe that's my life lesson I need to learn, to stop avoiding painful or difficult things and to stop trying to figure out shortcuts to avoid that.

[4Kingdoms]

Lately I'm just really envious of people that just fall into stuff and their life unfolds in a pleasant way. For me it's just felt like one hurdle after the next, never getting a break and wondering if I ever will. If my destiny in life is to just constantly be swimming upstream till the day I die. If someone told me that was what my life would be I'd make the best of it. What kills me every day is thinking that maybe if I just cleared more limiting beliefs or visualized or practiced LOA more maybe I could live better. It's the not knowing what's predetermined fate vs things I can change that get to me. Maybe that's my life lesson I need to learn, to stop avoiding painful or difficult things and to stop trying to figure out shortcuts to avoid that.

I have these thoughts too! Where is the fun in know how it turns out? It's like reading the last chapter in a book or watching the end of the movie.

Which do you believe in, be honest... fate or creating your own destiny? That's the first step. You believe in fate? Then just wake up, do what you do, go to bed, rinse and repeat. Believe in creating your own destiny? Take night classes, find new interests, meet new people, volunteer doing something you enjoy, that's how stuff falls into people's laps.

[mat422]

Lately I'm just really envious of people that just fall into stuff and their life unfolds in a pleasant way. For me it's just felt like one hurdle after the next, never getting a break and wondering if I ever will. If my destiny in life is to just constantly be swimming upstream till the day I die. If someone told me that was what my life would be I'd make the best of it. What kills me every day is thinking that maybe if I just cleared more limiting beliefs or visualized or practiced LOA more maybe I could live better. It's the not knowing what's predetermined fate vs things I can change that get to me. Maybe that's my life lesson I need to learn, to stop avoiding painful or difficult things and to stop trying to figure out shortcuts to avoid that.

I have these thoughts too! Where is the fun in know how it turns out? It's like reading the last chapter in a book or watching the end of the movie.

Which do you believe in, be honest... fate or creating your own destiny? That's the first step. You believe in fate? Then just wake up, do what you do, go to bed, rinse and repeat. Believe in creating your own destiny? Take night classes, find new interests, meet new people, volunteer doing something you enjoy, that's how stuff falls into people's laps.

Not gonna lie, at first I got angry with your post. But whenever I get angry at something it's almost always a defense mechanism of some sort. Just wanted to share that because there are some things I'm coming to terms with and your post really struck a sensitive nerve with me. But I do believe in creating your own destiny. I just haven't been doing a very good job of doing it for myself.

---

Anyway this is a post that's gonna be me being as real as possible with myself. Without dragging this out, which I could certainly end up doing, I'll keep it short. There's a lot of uncomfortable stuff inside me, stuff I refused to acknowledge and thought I could just shrug off. But the more I denied it, the worse it got. My lack of progress has just been me avoiding this deeper stuff. A lot of it just gets to the core of who I am. My humanity, my faults, imperfections, etc. I guess I never accepted these things as being ok and stuffed them down instead. Then it manifested as perfectionism as I tried to be perfect in every aspect of my life to avoid the feelings that come with making a mistake or not being great at something. I guess somewhere along the line those mistakes or flaws in my character made me feel like less of a person and I've spent my whole life trying to avoid those feelings. The problem is we always make mistakes, we always have some flaws, you can't go through life without it and if you constantly run from it you don't go anywhere. You just stay stuck in limbo letting fear control you, never growing as a person.

A lot of my life has been spent watching my actions, what I say, analyzing others, trying to present myself in the most favorable way possible. I rarely ever get to be myself, it's more like I've built up a split personality for the outside world, each situation is a different personality, there's a lack of cohesion or oneness to my being. This is why I'm tired a lot of the time. I know that once I start accepting myself more I won't have that deep fear of rejection that causes me to try to be someone else that might gain me more acceptance.

[4Kingdoms]

Not gonna lie, at first I got angry with your post.

I sensed that when you didn't respond. It wasn't my intention to get you angry, I really thought you wanted an explanation. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable!!