EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

More confessions from me lol. Screw it, I'm gonna be open from here on out because I think recognizing the flaws in your thinking is just as important as being optimistic or positive.

I've stated numerous times how my avoidance screws me over at times. I'm realizing it's the same for learning. Right now I'm teaching myself music theory. I'm also starting from scratch with my approach to producing music. Learning the real basics, the ones I thought I learned but really just glossed over. It got me thinking about my unrealistic thinking in the past that since music is a creative outlet you don't need to understand much, just follow your intuition and create. But a lot of that was really just a cover up for my deep insecurity when I attempted to learn something and felt that shame of not being good enough at something.

When I first stumbled upon making music I thought that maybe I had some special talent or uniqueness that separated me from other people, that maybe because I was so screwed up in every other aspect of my life maybe this one thing I'd be good at. I held onto that for a while and anything that threatened that illusion was thrown out the window. In a lot of ways my self worth was linked to being a creative person. As I've grown as a person and a music maker I've had to swallow some bitter truths about myself that were a serious blow to my ego. A lot of this stuff I just outright refused to accept, I'd rather live in my make believe land of narcissism than see how things really were.

And then there's a weird combination of guilt and shame that a lot of the stuff I'm learning is practically handed to me. I think of guys in the past who didn't have this easily accessible information and learned through trial and error. It makes me feel like I'm taking the easy way and cheating somehow. I know attitudes like this are what mess me up the most. I'm constantly comparing myself to other people and measuring up my abilities compared to theirs.

All in all one of the things I hate to admit about myself is if someone does something better than me I'll try to find any flaw that I can expose in them and use that to make myself feel better. It's just a bad coping mechanism because I never learned to be ok with just being myself and not basing my self worth on my abilities and achievements.

Musicians and Artists: The EHPRA will address the 'Ego' for both the creativity of the Artist and the Musician; Perhaps, you are feeling it's effects. :angel:

Most likely. I'm glad I'm slowly being able to see my music in a more objective way without getting upset about it. As subjective as music is I find there's still things that make or break a piece of music. It's important as an artist to be aware of those things and work on them.

---

I think I'm kind of figuring out why I'm resisting this sub a lot. Every time I feel like I'm close to letting go of a longstanding issue it's like I get afraid because my self identity is so strongly tied to it. So it feels like I'm letting go of myself and there's nothing there to replace it. I thought it was always because I was afraid of what would happen in the future without anxiety, but now I see it's because it's a scary experience losing a piece of yourself. It feels like I have no idea who I actually am because a large portion of my life was just ruled by anxiety and depression. It's almost like my growth was stunted and now I have to actually start building upon myself.

[mat422]

Ok so I've made a discovery and it didn't even occur to me that this is what could be causing my perceived resistance.

E2 is powerful. So powerful it pulls my mind in the direction of healing. This means I enter a weird sort of trance like state where my focus is 100% on my inner state. I love that it can keep me on track like this, but I've realized I can't listen passively and do anything else because the focus is always redirected to that inner healing state. When I tried to overpower that pull in order to get stuff done it would cause a lot of stress. I put a lot of priority into healing because I understand how it reflects your outer reality, but because of that priority I feel like that's what the sub amplifies. It's not a bad thing, but it's made me realize when I listen to E2 I have to have nothing else going on really. Otherwise I'll just constantly be fighting what it's trying to do.

[Chris P. Bacon]

I've noticed that as well.

[mat422]

I've noticed that as well.

Good to hear I'm not alone on this. This is probably going to result in some dropped hours a bit for me, but the time I do listen to E2 I'll be able to give it my full mental power.

[mat422]

Finally a post about something other than making this subliminal work better. It's been a while since I've had one of these. Anyway the other day I went out grocery shopping and I came home and felt this depression sort of hit me. I've gotten a lot better with crowds, but I still have anxiety in places with large amounts of people. It's not even the typical social anxiety like thinking they are judging me or anything. I just feel really uneasy around a lot of people. Back to what happened though. I had this depression hit me and I guess you could call it the aftershock anxiety. Normally I start to get uncomfortable with this feeling and try to avoid it and occupy my mind. But this time I just sat with it for a couple of minutes and let it go. It feels like the E2 instructions are being carried out a lot easier lately and I'm able to face and let go of things as they happen in the moment without having a need to listen to E2.

Overall I feel like I'm starting to get more balanced. I'm not checking out as frequently to avoid stuff, and when I do I pull myself back in and come up with a plan or solution for the problem I'm encountering.

I've said it a lot in my journals through the years, but I think the most painful thing is watching your self defeating behavior and feeling like you don't have control over it. I know that sounds like a defeatist attitude, but seriously when your level of fear is so high in your life it's like being controlled by your most basic primitive instincts. I'm at a point now where I realize I won't always be in control, I'm going to slip up some days and let the fear win and that's ok. It's better I acknowledge when this happens and forgive myself than to keep trying to ignore it and push towards some idealized state where I'm immune to fear. If I get to that point great, but I'm not going to feel bad anymore for not being some super confident guy.

[mat422]

Something that I'm starting to be more aware of is I how I want to be above my emotions. I want to be above being human, without all the flaws and imperfections. I've read too many books on meditation and applied them in a way that further dissociates me from my emotions. I thought in the past if I observed my emotions from a state of detachment they would go away, but all it led me to do was judge these emotions as negative things that need to be removed instead of a fundamental part of myself.

So what's the solution? Just do nothing. Stop trying to control every human aspect of myself and acknowledge what it means to be human. Most of all let E2 do what it has to do without interfering all the damn time. Something I still haven't quite figured out how to do as I'm inevitably derailing myself from the process of healing every step of the way.

[Benjamin]

You might like Mark Mansons new book "the subtle art of not giving a fuck". It's actually talking about something similar. I've only read a few chapters but it's good so far, and also a little confronting to me.

[mat422]

You might like Mark Mansons new book "the subtle art of not giving a ****". It's actually talking about something similar. I've only read a few chapters but it's good so far, and also a little confronting to me.

Honestly man I'm so over books and self help in general. It only ever seems to amount to intensely verbose philosophy and mental masturbation. And a lot of the time for me it just feeds that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I need some kind of answer or guidance instead of just trusting myself.

I mean if it helps you out that's great, but I'm at a point where I know all this stuff, it's just a matter of living it.

[Benjamin]

I like it. I have actually tried a few other books while on E2 but I found it better when I just allowed E2 to do it's thing. I may read more of it but can't say i'm that worried.

But yes, it's more a matter of allowing yourself to heal things and blockages holding you back instead of 'more information'.

[mat422]

Still trying to figure out this hours of exposure things. I had work today and yesterday where a sales event was going on and there were so many damn people. I came home and felt like like maybe if I listen to E2 a bit it would settle me, but it seems like the exact opposite happened. I was actually more resistant to whatever came up. Maybe resistant isn't the right word, more like over stimulated. I think for me rest is a very important equation in getting better with this sub and I haven't been giving myself enough.

I've been feeling kind of upset lately that I can't go to work and just leave without feeling completely drained. I thought maybe if I just relax more during the day or after or meditate during my break I'd feel ok. But no matter what I do I'm so damn tired. It's like my body can't tolerate the intense stimulus of working in retail. At this point I've accepted there's not much I can do but to make sure I take care of myself and don't pile on too much at once after work.

I don't know how other people do it. Maybe they just don't have the same problems I do. I was offered a stocking position in addition to my role as a cashier/floor associate. But I had to turn it down because I think in order to remain mentally healthy I can't take on more than I can handle. I know E2 has definitely been helping me with this, in the past I'd take on more responsibilities out of guilt or shame and criticize myself that I was being lazy if I didn't.

I've made a lot of progress in terms of growth. Several months ago I couldn't even bring myself to apply to jobs, let alone hold one down for an extended period of time. But despite this I'm not quite at the level that most people are when it comes to work. It weighs heavy on my mind because I still feel like I'm not self-sufficient. At the same time I know I'm not 100% there yet and I have to keep building myself up before I can handle a heavier workload in my week.

[mat422]

Some late night pondering I've been doing. I often wonder to what extent beliefs hold power vs what is the way of the world. Like right now I'm struggling with my music a bit and doing my best to get better. Is it my mindset of believing that music is really hard that weighs me down or is it just a reflection of the reality of what making music entails? Stuff like this keeps me up at night because I can't tell what's me fighting the sort of natural laws in the universe vs staying in a limited mindset. This goes for a lot of my life too. I've felt like I've faced a lot of hardships and continue to do so. It makes me wonder if there's a better way or if I'm meant to go through all this.

[mat422]

Alright so I've been trying to give myself a relatively smooth ride with E2 and it hasn't been cutting it. My fear is still strong. I can't even tell you what I'm afraid of, all I know is that when I listen to this sub I get such a feeling of panic and dread like life beyond what I'm living right now is dangerous. I was backing off because I thought maybe I needed to take it easy, but now I see that the only way through this is to not let up anymore. The fear has to go. If I have to go through hell so be it, I can't live this way anymore. I need true freedom and the only way to get that is to destroy this fear that holds me back in every aspect of my life. No more compromising, no more pretending that life is good where it is and ignoring what needs to change, no more living a reality that feels more like a prison. It's about time I gave the middle finger to society's expectations of me and just started doing my own thing without feeling guilty or wrong about it. And it's about time I let all this rage turned inward on myself to be directed outward in a more productive way.

[mat422]

Important lesson learned. Fear sucks and it's ok to get angry at the concept of fear. But it's not ok to get angry at the subconscious for experiencing fear. My subconscious isn't an enemy, it doesn't need to be defeated or overcome as if there is a battle waging inside of me. If anything it's more like a frightened little kid, just doing whatever it can to prevent any more pain in its life. I'm going to keep this in mind moving forward and remember to always listen to what my subconscious is trying to tell me instead of dragging it through the mud kicking and screaming.

[mat422]

Damn, had a bit of a cathartic moment today. I can't tell if alpha male programming is still in me or what, but lately I want to get in touch with my masculinity. And I don't mean aggressive stuff, sports, having sex with tons of women, etc. I want to connect to that part of me that is my nature. The part that's bashed in modern society and young boys growing up are made to feel ashamed of. I never liked masculinity growing up because I never had a good role model for it. I was never taught masculinity beyond all those stupid surface level behaviors that are portrayed in our fucked up media.

If I had alpha 6.0 I'd probably run it. But right now I only have 5.0 and I'm not going back in tech after I've experienced what E2 can do. So I'm gonna keep riding E2 out and see where it goes. Maybe I won't even need any alpha male programming, the way I see it when you clear all the junk that holds you back you're free to be however you want to be. I've always felt that underneath all my issues and frightened behavior is a person with strong ideals and a natural leadership quality. It's just getting to that diamond covered in all the dirt and mud.