EHPRA Journal

[Darkness]

Eprha V2 does have stress relief in it.

[mat422]

Gotta unload some stuff. Despite doing a lot of self improvement on myself over the years and the amazing job EHPRA 2.0 has been doing, my life just feels dark. There's always been this sense of melancholy I carry around. I used to think it was depression, some kind of chemical imbalance. But I've realized it's really just my inability to open up to people. I don't care what anyone says, you NEED connection with people. And not on the superficial level. I'm talking the real you, down to the core, flaws and all.

I've mentioned it before but when I was younger, around 17, my psyche was so messed up I convinced myself I didn't need anyone in my life because I was too afraid of being hurt or judged. So much emotional pain was buried. And worst of all I lost connection with the world. It's like I severed a cord that anchored me to connections with other people. Man it was so bad I'd consider it a weakness at times that I wanted to connect with people. Like I had to transcend it or something. This in turn made me incredibly critical of other people who exhibited emotional needs because I was deeply uncomfortable with those myself.

Ultimately you can't disconnect yourself from the world and at the same time let the positive in as well. You have to take the good with the bad and that's scary, for me at least. I don't want to live this way anymore. My fears run deeper than I ever thought and I'm still very unaware of some of my avoidant behavior I exhibit. It really hit me hard today when I realized I couldn't tell both of my parents I love them because I was too terrified of being that exposed and vulnerable. I mean I do say it to them and hug them, but I feel a piece of me holding back. I'm not opening up my heart all the way.

I've tried to see what's beyond this current reality I live, but to be honest I can't. And I've realized it's because I haven't allowed it. I've constantly looked for some kind of answer or tried to plan how to go about doing it. But it's just all emotions and those don't run on logic. I just have to do it, I have to be more open and stop hiding all the time. It's scary and I want a different answer, but this is it. If I want my suffering to end I have to be connected again.

I don't want to live in regret if people close to me die and I never really connect with them on a deeper level. I don't want to live anymore keeping people an arms length away just to protect myself. I'd rather get hurt constantly and be able to be open with those I love than live in fear and never let those I love in.

Striving to perfect myself before I open up to people is one of the things that's kept me trapped for so long. But from today onward my goal is to live as authentically and open as possible, even if it hurts, because I know I'll only grow stronger for it. And I want to give people the strength and courage to do the same because this world is hard enough as is without us feeling the need to hide ourselves or put on a face to get by.

That's all I've got for now, but those are my deepest feelings and thoughts at the moment.

[mat422]

I find that I'm a chronic overthinker. That last post definitely represented some kind of breakthrough, but once again I started to overthink what it meant to be open. That's pretty vague, open, it could mean a lot of things. What I've come to determine is it's really just all about allowing myself to be more accepting of myself and not feeling like every little flaw is proof of my incompetence.

I was trying to figure out how to stop being anxious about stuff and a constant worrier. It hit me that the reason I worry about all that stuff is because I'm way too hard on myself for my mistakes in life. So instead of trying to relax and attempt to let go of the anxiety, I told myself it's ok if I screw up or make a mistake. I'm not a bad person for doing so. And in the grand scheme of things my one little blunder is microscopic and the only person that places such high importance on it is me.

Maybe I've talked about that before. I have a tendency to forget important stuff for my well being then remember it at a later time. It's weird. Like I have to remind myself to treat myself with kindness.

Anyway I spoke to my mom the other day and told her about EHPRA 2.0. I'm still very apprehensive about telling friends and family about these subliminals. But I explained it to her in a way where it made sense. I felt it was really important to tell her because I'm like a mirror image of her and I know she's been trying to overcome a lot of the same hardships I face in my day to day life. I don't know where I'd be without these subliminals because I see so many other people suffering and not finding a solution to that suffering. And that's a really scary thing. To live with that constant feeling of life being empty.

[mat422]

These past few days I've just been working. I'm only working like 28 hours a week, but it feels like so much more. I'm in a bit of a predicament though.

I don't plan on staying at this job for long, but I'm still finding it hard to adjust. I'm so tired and drained I don't have enough energy to look for a better job. I'm trying, but it's not easy and it's a huge problem because this is how you end up just settling and getting stuck.

Also I get home late like 9 or 10. I don't want to immediately go to sleep, although I'm starting to think I should. But I don't know if I even could because half the time my mind is focused on creativity and my brain doesn't want to go to sleep. I was up until 3 am yesterday working on some music. On one hand once that time has gone that's it, it's gone forever and I should make use of it. On the other hand if I don't get enough sleep and rest, the subliminal won't be as effective and I'll be stuck in a low energy state which will make getting out of this job difficult. Now that I'm thinking it over I'm gonna have to start going to sleep earlier and maybe wake up in the morning and see if I can work on music. But I still have anxiety towards the end of the night before going to sleep, waking up to a new day is one of my least favorite things. I love my music, but I can't get stuck again when I've already made good progress. I have to keep moving forward.

If I was more of a conspiracy theorist I'd say the way modern society's workweek is designed is to fuel materialism. Think about it. Most people who work these low wage jobs are tired, maybe even depressed. When you don't have enough time to actively build skills you start looking at that money you're making just sitting there. And it feels good to buy something and instantly have it, no real work involved. Job still makes you miserable, you buy more stuff to be happy, maybe now you're spending outside your budget so you land in debt, you work harder to pay it off, don't get close, and the cycle continues. I've been more lenient with my spending now that I have a job but I've stopped because I realized I was just reinforcing bad behavior. Yeah a 3 dollar coffee makes me feel good for about 30 minutes, but 3 dollars is a lot of money that could go towards something more important like food or gas.

Anyway the other thing is I was going through old journals of mine and I saw these realizations I had that I'm still "discovering" these days. Which makes me think I never really absorbed these things as much as I should. I guess I have a really high awareness of my problems which deludes me into believing I've overcome them, but I think the reality of the situation is there is a part of me that is lagging behind that still hasn't caught up yet. My subconscious maybe? I don't know. People always told me growing up I was "wise beyond my years" but all this awareness doesn't mean anything if you can't put it into action. I guess if I had to think of an analogy I've been fueling the rocket for years, but I'm still tethered to the ground and not going anywhere. The rocket being my life, I just can't seem to get it up and running like everyone else around me.

[Inconceivablezen]

Modern day society is geared towards materialism in the sense that it promotes many products that you do not need, for which most people spend money they do not have. Modern day consumer products are 80% push, and 20% pull (the ones you need). Freeing yourself of these products can be very liberating. What do I own? An ipad and a computer to work on. Food, supplements. A bed. My own hardcore homegym. Some lamps to push my productivity. Essentially, everything is focused towards increasing productivity, until I reach some financial freedom.

Maybe it can help you to break free of that job. The first step is to need it less, and you can need it less by buying less material products that you do not need anyway.

[mat422]

Modern day society is geared towards materialism in the sense that it promotes many products that you do not need, for which most people spend money they do not have. Modern day consumer products are 80% push, and 20% pull (the ones you need). Freeing yourself of these products can be very liberating. What do I own? An ipad and a computer to work on. Food, supplements. A bed. My own hardcore homegym. Some lamps to push my productivity. Essentially, everything is focused towards increasing productivity, until I reach some financial freedom.

Maybe it can help you to break free of that job. The first step is to need it less, and you can need it less by buying less material products that you do not need anyway.

I'm pretty much living the same way. Most of my satisfaction in life comes from making music, so material things don't interest me as much. I'm actually lucky that minimum wage here in NY is 9 dollars an hour, it's not much but it's way better than some other places. Even though I got this job it's only part time, I can't support myself on it. It's been a positive step in the right direction but unfortunately it's just not enough.

[mat422]

Watched The Matrix last night and just got some perspective on things. I love that movie and all the concepts within it. It pulled me out of a negative spiral I was heading down towards.

Anyway it just made me really think about my own self imposed limitations and what keeps them in place. I realized my identity is still strongly rooted in feelings of being inferior to others. I don't believe in myself enough. So I do the bare minimum just to get by and stay out of situations that would threaten my already fragile self esteem about myself. I guess I'm starting to realize I really need to be nicer to myself. I know I've thought about it before, but I need to actually start doing it, not just thinking about it. Far too often I just think of all the stuff I'm not doing and struggling with and just use that as fuel for the self hate fire. For whatever reason criticism and judgement comes before self compassion for me. Which is odd because when I interact with other people I focus on acceptance and understanding of their situations, something that's the complete opposite of what I do to myself.

For a long time I idealized confidence as this ultimate goal. But I'm at a point in my life right now where I realize I'd rather be completely ok with being unconfident and forgiving with myself than experiencing high levels of confidence but still being abusive at myself when things go wrong or I make a mistake. Right now my goal is just to be more forgiving of myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Which is going to be a bit odd at first because I constantly feel like I'm undeserving of compassion or I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

[mat422]

I've been stuck inside my head these past few weeks. The only meaningful description I have for what I've been going through is being stuck in these endless thought loops that won't leave me alone and constantly stressing myself out. Very close to OCD, at least the obsessive part. The other day I didn't go to sleep until 3am because I was trying to figure out how to set up a control surface in my DAW. During this time I could not put it down and just go to sleep. I'd get anxiety about trying to figure out the "right" solution. Which is a familiar trap in my brain. It's not like I wanted to stay up until 3, it was more like I was a slave to what my brain was telling me to figure out.

Anyway I realized my descent into madness started soon after I stopped taking a SAM-e supplement. I started back up again and it feels like my brain is working right. I'm all about finding the solution at the source and I thought a lot of my perfectionism and low motivation was just due to a lot of negative beliefs I hold. But I'm starting to think there's a chemical deficiency going on here that the sam-e fixes.

To put it in simple terms. With SAM-e it feels like I can actually utilize some of the strategies like positive self talk and breaking things down and taking things in small chunks without getting overwhelmed. Off of SAM-e I literally cannot do any of that, it's like it's just completely ineffective. Like throwing small buckets of water on a raging fire. I also feel like my mind is A LOT more receptive to the subliminals and enacting those changes. So I don't know if I'm staying on the supplement forever, but as of right now it's the only thing that can pull me out of the hell of my mind.

[mat422]

I made a discovery today about why I enjoy making music. I've realized music for me is the purest expression of myself without feeling the need to hide something or appear a certain way. Following that realization was that being myself shouldn't be limited to just my music, I need to extend that into other parts of my life as well.

I feel like there's a part of me that I've pushed away. Growing up there were a lot of things I didn't like about myself. I tried to outgrow them as an adult, but a lot of these things I didn't like are me. I never outgrew them, I just suppressed a part of myself. That hollow emptiness I tend to battle with is probably just the result of not allowing the full expression of myself. One thing that always bothered me was my high sensitivity. I tried not to be sensitive, but the only way to do that is to just completely shut down the emotions and that's no good.

There's just still a lot of healing that needs to take place for me. My psyche feels very fragmented and compartmentalized. Like I'm not whole, just shattered pieces of myself I have to put back together again.

[Shannon]

So overall, how well do you think E2 is helping you?

[mat422]

So overall, how well do you think E2 is helping you?

It's been helping me a lot. The problem is I have no idea where it's going to take me. I always have a tendency to assume progress is linear, when really it's all over the place. So I'm still discovering aspects of myself that I was completely blind to. In the beginning when I first ran it I got really quick results because I believe it was clearing out surface level anxiety and other issues. But lately I think it's getting to my core and there's a lot of heavy stuff that's been popping up. I don't know what it is, denial, pride, shame, or something else but I have a tendency to minimize my emotional struggles and stuff them down instead of let them come to the surface and address them.

[Shannon]

This program is designed to work at the right pace, intensity and direction for you. So you can expect it will be working on whatever has priority right now, and that may change a lot as it helps you untangle the emotional stuff.

I just wanted to make sure it was still helping. And be patient with it and yourself.

[mat422]

This program is designed to work at the right pace, intensity and direction for you. So you can expect it will be working on whatever has priority right now, and that may change a lot as it helps you untangle the emotional stuff.

I just wanted to make sure it was still helping. And be patient with it and yourself.

Yeah I was in a tough financial situation for a while, well still am. But at least now I have a part time job so I think a lot of the energy was directed towards solving that immediate problem and now it's working on other stuff.

I'll be honest though, I've been stuck in a dark place these past few weeks. I've made some big improvements, but still feel really lost in life. I'm trying to carve out a life that I want, not something I just fall into. But it feels like I'm so at odds with the way the world works. Like constant pressure from the outside how I'm supposed to do things which is nonsense because nobody is supposed to do anything, we should have free will in our decisions. It gets to the point where I don't know if the troubles I'm having in life are just a result of seeing things differently and wanting different things than what we are told. In a way it just all seems so absurd how people pass their beliefs onto other people and the chain goes on and on until somebody decides to question it and break it.

[Shannon]

The good thing is, success is inevitable.