E2 Journal

[THolt]

Day 44:

So I got high last night and had an epiphany:

I'm CHOOSING to suffer.

This may not be the lengthiest realization, but it was a powerful one, because it made me realize how needless my suffering is. I may not like the way things are right now, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer.

i would take Shannon's advice he gave to you in another thread and really seek to run E3. There really is no reason to suffer emotionally like you are doing right now. 
I would focus on running E3 and worry about LTU5 later. That is what I did.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Step 1: Let go of your "friend". Accept that it's over. Move on and live your life.

Yeah, everybody tells me to do that...

I just can't for some reason.

You can. You may not want to. You may not choose to. But can't is ***** excuses.

I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario.

Who do you think this is a competition with? Your friend walked away, and you somehow think that getting them back is going to "win" you something? Life's experiences are rarely about "winning" and "losing". This is about learning. Nobody but you can decide if you're "good enough", so how did you end up deciding you're not? You make the decision, not someone else! It's about like having the winning numbers for the lotto each and every week before the draw and intentionally choosing the wrong ones to play because "I don't deserve to win". How stupid and useless is that?!

The only person who can decide what you believe is YOU. And the only person who can decide whether you are a winner or a loser or happy or miserable or successful or a failure or good enough or not is YOU. Not your friend. Not some stupid magazine. Not the TV or the radio or the websites you see on the Internet. YOU.

You put yourself in an unwinnable scenario with faulty thinking and failure based beliefs. So change that! Change your point of view, change what you believe about yourself, and make yourself everything you want to be!

I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this.

Resolve it by understanding that it is based on a false belief and faulty thinking. The premise here is:

If I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right?

And the conclusion you reach is

The internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal.

OF COURSE the external matches the internal. IT IS YOUR BELIEFS THAT GENERATE YOUR EXTERNAL REALITY! So now has come the time to change your beliefs. You can start at a conscious level and use your conscious will to do this, and you can also use a program like E3 or LTU5. I suggest that it is better to get E3 now and worry about saving up for LTU5 later, if you still think you need to, and while you are using E3, than save up for LTU5 right now.

Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.

Yes. Exactly right. Let go of the failure based beliefs and start integrating success based beliefs that result in you generating internally and externally the reality which you desire. You generate the external circumstances with what you believe and think internally. You must change the internal first. You may have to use subliminals and your imagination at first, but you can feel that way. The becoming technique would be excellent for this while you are waiting on getting E3, if you must wait for it.

And yes, you can accept yourself. Can't is a ***** excuse, regardless of where you point it. Stop making excuses. Choose the end result you want. Align yourself with it in your thoughts, feelings, choices and actions. Become it.

Seek to consciously understand why you hate yourself. Why you think you are worthless. Self hate and low sense of self worth are ALWAYS the result of a misunderstanding. 100% of the time.

I know a woman who was abused mentally, emotionally and some would say physically while she was 0 to 18 years old. She still believes deep down that she is somehow at fault for that. That she did something wrong to make them hate her and treat her that way, because she is such an innocent soul that she can't yet comprehend that her parents are selfish, clueless, low-awareness morons who only understand "me" and everything that is "not me" must have no feelings or value.

So because her parents were drug addicts and morons who didn't care for her or take care of her and constantly were manipulating her and telling her that her cries for love and help and her pain and depression were wrong, didn't matter, weren't real, and she should just shut up and do what they told her to do while they ignored her unless she wasn't there to ignore, she believes that she somehow deserves to be punished for being such a horrible child and she is indeed punishing herself every day for that. She punishes herself in ways that are just as horrible as what her parents did to her. All because she misunderstood that they were responsible for her and they were responsible for their choices and their actions, not her.

Maybe you have something similar?

Trace it back and try to understand where it came from. Then try to understand why it us faulty beliefs and faulty thinking, and change that. And get yourself a copy of E3 and use it.

By the way, that woman is using LTU5. She just yesterday told me that she is in the process of doing the most difficult thing she has ever done in her life: she is divorcing herself from her family. The whole thing. Because LTU5 has made her understand that she deserves better than how they are treating her, and she is no longer willing to accept the bad treatment she gets from them. E3 is a big part of why she is doing that. And while it's nt easy for her to make this change in her life, she is doing it and it is having a profound positive impact on how she feels and how her life and future are going.

So unless you can get LTU5 very soon, get E3 and then worry about whether or not you want LTU5. Make progress while you work towards it if you still need it. And don't forget professional psychological help, either. If you have a way to get that, get it.

I do not have the money for E3, I don't think. But when I have it, I'll buy E3.

I think the root is primarily in my childhood, where I was bullied and rejected growing up. I have ASD and that has made me suffer through a lot of social rejection and pain throughout my life. My exfriend was a woman I fell in love with who didn't feel the same way about me and it made me feel even more inadequate than I already did. I handled it badly, and then the friendship ended and she won't accept my apologies or forgive me. And I feel like it's all my fault, like I was never good enough. Growing up, I was beaten up and treated like shit by the boys and the girls wanted nothing to do with me, and I was called a "loser" My mom called me a "f*ckup" when I was in HS. I guess I internalized all this. I feel unworthy. I feel like all this happened because I was never good enough, fundamentally flawed and broken, and when everything that went down with my exfriend went down, it was as if all the painful rejection and bullying from my childhood was affirmed, because even my best friend didn't think I'm worth forgiving or being friends with, much less returning the romantic affections of. And I feel so irredeemably broken and worthless. If I was worth loving, wouldn't I have the love I wantin my life? I feel like I don't have it, because I'm not worth it. Maybe E3 will help me with that, maybe not. It's getting harder to see how any sub can correct these beliefs because I feel like I've proven so hard, especially with my ex friend, that I really AM this worthless loser who isn't worthy of love, sex, forgiveness or friendship. So I just... hate myself.

But I realize that suffering is a choice, so I'll do my best to carry a different outlook and try to change my perspective.

But it's hard to believe I'm worthy when all experience and external indicators point to worthlessness.

[THolt]

Yeah, everybody tells me to do that...

I just can't for some reason.

You can. You may not want to. You may not choose to. But can't is ***** excuses.

I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario.

Who do you think this is a competition with?  Your friend walked away, and you somehow think that getting them back is going to "win" you something?  Life's experiences are rarely about "winning" and "losing".  This is about learning.  Nobody but you can decide if you're "good enough", so how did you end up deciding you're not?  You make the decision, not someone else!  It's about like having the winning numbers for the lotto each and every week before the draw and intentionally choosing the wrong ones to play because "I don't deserve to win".  How stupid and useless is that?!

The only person who can decide what you believe is YOU.  And the only person who can decide whether you are a winner or a loser or happy or miserable or successful or a failure or good enough or not is YOU.  Not your friend.  Not some stupid magazine.  Not the TV or the radio or the websites you see on the Internet.  YOU.

You put yourself in an unwinnable scenario with faulty thinking and failure based beliefs.  So change that!  Change your point of view, change what you believe about yourself, and make yourself everything you want to be!

I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this.

Resolve it by understanding that it is based on a false belief and faulty thinking.  The premise here is:

If I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right?

And the conclusion you reach is

The internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal.

OF COURSE the external matches the internal.  IT IS YOUR BELIEFS THAT GENERATE YOUR EXTERNAL REALITY!  So now has come the time to change your beliefs.  You can start at a conscious level and use your conscious will to do this, and you can also use a program like E3 or LTU5.  I suggest that it is better to get E3 now and worry about saving up for LTU5 later, if you still think you need to, and while you are using E3, than save up for LTU5 right now.

Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.

Yes.  Exactly right.  Let go of the failure based beliefs and start integrating success based beliefs that result in you generating internally and externally the reality which you desire.  You generate the external circumstances with what you believe and think internally.  You must change the internal first.  You may have to use subliminals and your imagination at first, but you can feel that way.  The becoming technique would be excellent for this while you are waiting on getting E3, if you must wait for it.

And yes, you can accept yourself.  Can't is a ***** excuse, regardless of where you point it.  Stop making excuses.  Choose the end result you want.  Align yourself with it in your thoughts, feelings, choices and actions.  Become it.

Seek to consciously understand why you hate yourself.  Why you think you are worthless.  Self hate and low sense of self worth are ALWAYS the result of a misunderstanding.  100% of the time.  

I know a woman who was abused mentally, emotionally and some would say physically while she was 0 to 18 years old.  She still believes deep down that she is somehow at fault for that.  That she did something wrong to make them hate her and treat her that way, because she is such an innocent soul that she can't yet comprehend that her parents are selfish, clueless, low-awareness morons who only understand "me" and everything that is "not me" must have no feelings or value.

So because her parents were drug addicts and morons who didn't care for her or take care of her and constantly were manipulating her and telling her that her cries for love and help and her pain and depression were wrong, didn't matter, weren't real, and she should just shut up and do what they told her to do while they ignored her unless she wasn't there to ignore, she believes that she somehow deserves to be punished for being such a horrible child and she is indeed punishing herself every day for that.  She punishes herself in ways that are just as horrible as what her parents did to her.  All because she misunderstood that they were responsible for her and they were responsible for their choices and their actions, not her.

Maybe you have something similar?

Trace it back and try to understand where it came from.  Then try to understand why it us faulty beliefs and faulty thinking, and change that.  And get yourself a copy of E3 and use it.

By the way, that woman is using LTU5.  She just yesterday told me that she is in the process of doing the most difficult thing she has ever done in her life: she is divorcing herself from her family.  The whole thing.  Because LTU5 has made her understand that she deserves better than how they are treating her, and she is no longer willing to accept the bad treatment she gets from them.  E3 is a big part of why she is doing that.  And while it's nt easy for her to make this change in her life, she is doing it and it is having a profound positive impact on how she feels and how her life and future are going.  

So unless you can get LTU5 very soon, get E3 and then worry about whether or not you want LTU5.  Make progress while you work towards it if you still need it.  And don't forget professional psychological help, either.  If you have a way to get that, get it.

I do not have the money for E3, I don't think. But when I have it, I'll buy E3.

I think the root is primarily in my childhood, where I was bullied and rejected growing up. I have ASD and that has made me suffer through a lot of social rejection and pain throughout my life. My exfriend was a woman I fell in love with who didn't feel the same way about me and it made me feel even more inadequate than I already did. I handled it badly, and then the friendship ended and she won't accept my apologies or forgive me. And I feel like it's all my fault, like I was never good enough. Growing up, I was beaten up and treated like shit by the boys and the girls wanted nothing to do with me, and I was called a "loser" My mom called me a "f*ckup" when I was in HS. I guess I internalized all this. I feel unworthy. I feel like all this happened because I was never good enough, fundamentally flawed and broken, and when everything that went down with my exfriend went down, it was as if all the painful rejection and bullying from my childhood was affirmed, because even my best friend didn't think I'm worth forgiving or being friends with, much less returning the romantic affections of. And I feel so irredeemably broken and worthless.  If I was worth loving, wouldn't I have the love I wantin my life? I feel like I don't have it, because I'm not worth it. Maybe E3 will help me with that, maybe not. It's getting harder to see how any sub can correct these beliefs because I feel like I've proven so hard, especially with my ex friend, that I really AM this worthless loser who isn't worthy of love, sex, forgiveness or friendship. So I just... hate myself.

But I realize that suffering is a choice, so I'll do my best to carry a different outlook and try to change my perspective.

But it's hard to believe I'm worthy when all experience and external indicators point to worthlessness.

Well as Shannon said earlier, your beliefs are filtering your reality. You will find evidence, consciously or unconsciously, to confirm your beliefs. I think you should run E3 long term and see what happens.
I am already beginning to see some of my beliefs change. It is subtle but I feel like I have cleared some stuff out.

One thing you cannot do is give up. Keep pressing on. It can be done

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah, you're right. I'll do my best to change my beleifs despite all external indication.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You know what? I looked at that post and I realize my outlook NEEDS to change. I'm going to hold out hope that I can turn things around. I can't just keep wallowing in self loathing.

[Z-Man]

Maybe you need to love yourself enough to give yourself what you expect others to give you. Maybe they don't have the love to give you. You can't give away what you don't have. Changing your perception is a good thing. Maybe forgiving yourself from expecting it from them. Nobody holds the power over you unless you give it away. Believe you can change and you will. I realized a lot of times I get in my own way from healing. I starting to learn to go with the flow and let things happen natural. I am also working on forgiving my mother because I realized it affect all relations with the women I had in my life. I learning to be patience and not expect results yesterday. Take one day at a day, that is what I do.

Good luck you can do it!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Z-man. Yeah I need to forgive myself for a lot. I guess I just lost hope for a chance to become who I want to be, experien e what I want to experience and fix what I want to fix. Although I'm trying today to get back hope for at least the first 2 things. But yeah, I do treat myself like I'm never good enough. I do need to treat myself better.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I reread these posts and I think to myself I've gotta have more hope.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think I spend all day on the internet to distract myself from the issues I'm facing. It's probably not healthy, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on from everything that happened with my ex-friend. I dunno how to repair my damaged self image. I'm not sure how to recover from it.

[Greenduck]

I think I spend all day on the internet to distract myself from the issues I'm facing. It's probably not healthy, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on from everything that happened with my ex-friend. I dunno how to repair my damaged self image. I'm not sure how to recover from it.

When I faced the same questions as you, I also felt as lost as I imagine you are feeling. When you don't know how to process and deal with things, I basically use two ways, or maybe three:

1) Talk to someone about it, and someone who you can talk to who listen, not just politely, but actually listen to what you say. If you don't have any friends like that, seek out a professional.

2) Relax into your body. If you are not used to this it may take some practise. There are things like body-scanning, yoga and meditation directed towards body awareness and/or breath, which leads into #3

3) Focus on your breath. Also can take some practise. Relax, feel how your breath feels, observe.

Do this on a regular basis and you will gain more intuitive skills on how to deal with yourself.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 45: I am in hell. That's the only way I know how to describe what I'm feeling. I want out, but there's no escape. I can't stop judging myself. I can't escape my inner judge. I can't forgive myself. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the ugliness it's going to bring out of me. I can only be like this for so long before I start to resent everyone and everything. And then I'll just get uglier, and have more to hate myself for. And the sad truth is, no matter how much love and support I get, it's like none of it ever reaches me. I won't let it reach me, because I don't feel I deserve it. Nobody has condemned me to hell but me. I punish myself for making irreparable mistakes. It's like I'm pleading with my own inner judge to let me out, and he's saying "No. This is where you deserve to be, you ugly piece of shit" 


I look at a picture I have on my wall that I drew a while back. It's a picture of a guy who just had the shit kicked out of him and he's broken and bleeding, but he's getting up. It's entitled "Never Stay Down" It's based on my childhood where bullies would beat me to the ground and I would make a point of getting back up no matter how much they beat me down. For the first time in my life, I feel like STAYING down. I feel like just lying there, broken and defeated and just staying down. 

...but I won't.

[THolt]

Day 45: I am in hell. That's the only way I know how to describe what I'm feeling. I want out, but there's no escape. I can't stop judging myself. I can't escape my inner judge. I can't forgive myself. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the ugliness it's going to bring out of me. I can only be like this for so long before I start to resent everyone and everything. And then I'll just get uglier, and have more to hate myself for. And the sad truth is, no matter how much love and support I get, it's like none of it ever reaches me. I won't let it reach me, because I don't feel I deserve it. Nobody has condemned me to hell but me. I punish myself for making irreparable mistakes. It's like I'm pleading with my own inner judge to let me out, and he's saying "No. This is where you deserve to be, you ugly piece of shit" 


I look at a picture I have on my wall that I drew a while back. It's a picture of a guy who just had the shit kicked out of him and he's broken and bleeding, but he's getting up. It's entitled "Never Stay Down" It's based on my childhood where bullies would beat me to the ground and I would make a point of getting back up no matter how much they beat me down. For the first time in my life, I feel like STAYING down. I feel like just lying there, broken and defeated and just staying down. 

...but I won't.

Maybe you are just obsessing over your own hardships a bit too much. I used to do this too. 

I would think on my past failures and hardships over and over and over in my mind. On E3 I finally was able to move past them and realize that they didn't define me. 

It was a subtle process and didn't happen overnight. I am still making progress. Like others have said, you need to make getting E3 a top priority. 

The good thing about E3 is that you have to listen it for three loops a day. So that will amount to 3h 45 minutes. Very user friendly.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Maybe you are just obsessing over your own hardships a bit too much. I used to do this too. 

I would think on my past failures and hardships over and over and over in my mind. On E3 I finally was able to move past them and realize that they didn't define me. 

It was a subtle process and didn't happen overnight. I am still making progress. Like others have said, you need to make getting E3 a top priority. 

The good thing about E3 is that you have to listen it for three loops a day. So that will amount to 3h 45 minutes. Very user friendly.

"A bit" is an understatement. The only time I'm not ruminating over past failures and mistakes and things I've done wrong in the past is when I'm deliberately distracting myself. 

I'll get E3 as soon as I can and I'll see how well it works out. What happens if I listen to it for more than 3 loops a day? Does it become less effective?

[Z-Man]

If you go over 3 loops, it not going to hurt you. Since you listen to it while going to bed it is easy to pass 3 loops. If you are worried set an alarm on device to woke yourself up to turn it off. I listen to it with earbuds I use flac file not to loud. If you want apply for paypal credit line they give interest free for 6 months on purchase of $100.00. It is worth it for all the healing it is going to do for you.