E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

If I can use the "becoming" method, I will. Problem is, I'm having a hard time visualizing something I would want, much less experiencing it with all 5 senses and the emotions...

[findingme]

I've never used the "becoming" method, but I've definitely struggled with knowing and holding on to images and feelings of things I really wanted.

Part of me has believed I wasn't allowed.
That same part has also had beliefs that I was wrong for desiring it, and the list of reasons why it was wrong just grew.

It takes courage to admit this. And you're growing every day.

You're not alone.

[Greenduck]

I think just as important as knowing where you want to go, is to accept where you are, what you feel and just stay there for a moment.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

seeing Shannon's grief over the loss of his uncle has made me realize something about myself:

If it were one of my uncles, I would not be grieving. It makes me realize how on one hand, I am protected from things like that by a sense of separation, but on the other, I do not get to know the love and closeness of having a more open heart to people in my non-immediate family. I now feel bad about how a couple of my cousins tried to get to know me better once and I ignored them. I am too caught up in myself. It protects me one one hand, but rob's me of close relationships on the other. It may be a natural consequence of two things: autism and my growing up lonely and basically focusing on my own inner world because I had no friends as a kid.

It's just a realization brought on by Shannon's latest misfortune, for which he has my deepest condolences.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 50:

I'm in the car listening to my brother talk (over the phone) about his divorce problems and the selfish attitude of his wife, the crazy mental gymnastics she uses to justify her infidelity, the shit she posts on Facebook that he shouldn't be able to see because she unfriended and blocked him, the fact that after refusing to talk to him when he'd text her, saying "I'm not in the headspace to deal with this" and now that he's not talking to her she blows up his phone, unblocks him on FB and posts all this shit just so he could see it and how he's just going to stop responding to her because he shouldn't have to deal with this shit, and I'm glad he's doing that like "Right on! Ignore her. You shouldn't have to put up with that"

Then I started thinking about the friendship breakup... About all the unacceptable behaviour I put my friend through. And how if she were my sister and I were some guy I didnt know, putting her through what I'd put her through, I'd probably feel the same way.

If I'd have had my way back then, I'd have her leave her husband for me and put him through the same shit. Why would I even WANT a woman who would do that? I was blinded by limerence.

The question is, what do I do about it now that I'm facing the cold hard truth about my situation? After everything I've done and the way I've behaved, after having to be honest about the way I've acted and the issues I've had, how can I get to a point where I look in the mirror and see a man that I'm proud of? How do I get to a point where I have a self image as a man of high value? How do I redefine myself to myself? How do I pick myself up from rock bottom and turn myself into the man I wish I were? The man women like her wish they could have?

Adter everything Ive done, after everything I've been through, after facing every consequence I've brought upon myself, after establishing myself as "THAT guy"...
How do I redefine myself? How do I change my internal reality to be the internal reality of the man I wish I was? How do I change my self image to the self image of the man I wish I were? How do I transform my internal and external reality to be the reality I want to have?

How do I change myself from being "THAT guy" to being the man I wish to be?

The truth is, I'm just sitting here listening to these subs, hoping they'll unconsciously transform me into that person and I won't have to do any work or take any responsibility. Hoping that they'll just erase all the damage done from all the years of everything I've been through. Hoping they'll just magically change my internal self image, my internal and external reality and how I feel about everything Ive done and exoerienced.

I don't think just passively sitting here listening to these subs is going to do all that. I have to take responsibility and actively turn it all around. But how? After everything I've done and experienced, after everything I've established about myself and my reality so far, how do I actively turn it all around? How? What do I need to do to change all that, other than just passively listening to these subs?

And how do I rewrite the bad programming and correct the faulty beleifs that caused all of this?

How do I change my faulty beliefs? How do I even identify them in order to correct them in the first place? And how do I make the changes stick?

I don't have the answer to these questions, but I need to try and find the answers to them.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 51:

EDIT--

Nothing new to report.

[Greenduck]

I can't understand why you don't buy E3 when it's out there and you have the money for it. Going around 3 months saving up to LTU and doing E2 instead of E3 is just a waste of time and self-sabotage. Even if buying E3 sets you back 2 months away from getting LTU it will be worth it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I can't understand why you don't buy E3 when it's out there and you have the money for it. Going around 3 months saving up to LTU and doing E2 instead of E3 is just a waste of time and self-sabotage. Even if buying E3 sets you back 2 months away from getting LTU it will be worth it.

I DON'T have the money for E3 right now. I don't have a job, remember? I'm not "saving up" for LTU5, I'm waiting until I can go on disability and they give me back pay.

[Greenduck]

I can't understand why you don't buy E3 when it's out there and you have the money for it. Going around 3 months saving up to LTU and doing E2 instead of E3 is just a waste of time and self-sabotage. Even if buying E3 sets you back 2 months away from getting LTU it will be worth it.

I DON'T have the money for E3 right now. I don't have a job, remember? I'm not "saving up" for LTU5, I'm waiting until I can go on disability and they give me back pay.

I don't follow your thread that closely, I just wrote from what I remembered before. Go out there and get a job man, work in a bar, in a café, anything. You will have money for E3 in notime.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I can't understand why you don't buy E3 when it's out there and you have the money for it. Going around 3 months saving up to LTU and doing E2 instead of E3 is just a waste of time and self-sabotage. Even if buying E3 sets you back 2 months away from getting LTU it will be worth it.

I DON'T have the money for E3 right now. I don't have a job, remember? I'm not "saving up" for LTU5, I'm waiting until I can go on disability and they give me back pay.

I don't follow your thread that closely, I just wrote from what I remembered before. Go out there and get a job man, work in a bar, in a café, anything. You will have money for E3 in notime.

Yeah, I just met with my employment specialist today.  Next Friday, we'll work together on making a resume.

[Greenduck]

I can't understand why you don't buy E3 when it's out there and you have the money for it. Going around 3 months saving up to LTU and doing E2 instead of E3 is just a waste of time and self-sabotage. Even if buying E3 sets you back 2 months away from getting LTU it will be worth it.

I DON'T have the money for E3 right now. I don't have a job, remember? I'm not "saving up" for LTU5, I'm waiting until I can go on disability and they give me back pay.

I don't follow your thread that closely, I just wrote from what I remembered before. Go out there and get a job man, work in a bar, in a café, anything. You will have money for E3 in notime.

Yeah, I just met with my employment specialist today.  Next Friday, we'll work together on making a resume.

Great news man. Keep your spirits up, that's the important thing. I have gotten some jobs when I was younger by just going around and leaving my resume to bars and stuff. Go to hotels, bars, restaurants, café's. You will get something in time.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well, I don't just wanna work any job if I can help it. With the help of Vocational Rehabilitation Services, CARD, and my employment specialist, I might just be able to get a job I LIKE. We're going over possibilities with each weekly meeting until we have a goal planned out. So we'll see where this leads to.

[Greenduck]

Well, I don't just wanna work any job if I can help it. With the help of Vocational Rehabilitation Services, CARD, and my employment specialist, I might just be able to get a job I LIKE. We're going over possibilities with each weekly meeting until we have a goal planned out. So we'll see where this leads to.

Just satin that sometimes it’s good to just have a occupation and do something useful of yourself during the days. Couldn’t hurt. And it looks good on your resume to show some ambition, what type isn’t always the important part.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

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