E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I made a list of all the things I want to accomplish or make use of in the future, to get an all around picture of the man I'm trying to become, and I look at the list, I read through it, I get a picture in my head, and you know what? I STILL feel like I'll be a worthless person with nothing of value to offer. I will always feel not good enough. Even if I accomplish every goal, I'll still be worthless and have nothing of value to offer. Nothing worth sticking through the tough times with. I hate my ex=friend and I hate myself.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I've given it a lot of thought. I'm going to focus on the "becoming" method and learn how to do it, so I can work through these issues with my ex-friend and have them care about how I felt throughout the whole thing. I don't expect it to happen any time soon. I'm going to practice the hell out of the method and all the while, I'll be trying to get my shit together: Getting a job, going to school, changing my daily habits to be more healthy, I'll hit the gym and pick up muscle, I'll teach english in Japan, I'll Learn to play guitar and sing, I'll improve my drawing, I'll get a GF and lots of good friends, I'll do lots of self healing and listen to lots of subs: E2, LTU5, AM6, WM, SM, DMSI, MLS (for guitar and Japanese) and APRL. I'll change my hair and I'll use minoxodyl to help me grow a full beard on my face. I'll change how I look, how I live, how I see myself, EVERYTHING, I will be reborn from the ashes of my former self. When I meet my ex-friend in person for the first time, I want to be a completely different man. I wanna LOOK different, carry myself different, act different, BE different. And I want them to see the person I've become and completely change how they view me. Then I'll use the becoming technique and anything else in my arsenal to get them to want to work through these issues with me so we can finally develop the friendship I've always wanted.

But I'm gonna have to practice the "becoming" method every day, and I'm gonna have to change my life and daily habits. I'm going to have to run all the subs that turn me into the person I want to be. And by the time I'm in my mid 30's I'll be ready to set things straight with my friend because I'll have set so much else in my life straight.

I'm not going to give into a victim mentality and feel like life is just me being disrespected and undervalued. I will become a man who values himself and gains the sincere respect, love and validation of everyone I care about. I. WILL. NOT. LOSE.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 42:

So I had this epiphany while I was stoned and practicing creative visualization in bed this morning. I started to realize the same thing Mat did in his LTU5 journal: That my issues are the result of faulty programming and the painful experiences that I obsess over and feel so victimized about... those were the result of faulty programming too. And if I can just change my focus and change my mentality, I can change my situation and experience exactly what I want to experience. Mat's and Shannon's words in past posts are finally starting to hit me.

As a side note:

No sooner do I start writing this than does my dad yell "You blew it!" and informed me that there was a note by my mom saying to get on her computer (everything was up) and snatch up 2 tickets for an event that sells out quickly. And that it was too late. No tickets were left. I was spending my time high, practicing creative visualization because I'm so determined to learn how to properly do this "becoming" thing. I kept falling asleep though while I was trying. I need to switch up how I try it. I feel like such a piece of shit for letting mom down ont he ticket thing. And what's worse is it just looks like I was too busy sleeping, which isn't too far off from the truth.

[whome]

there was a note by my mom saying to get on her computer (everything was up) and snatch up 2 tickets for an event that sells out quickly. And that it was too late. [...] I feel like such a piece of shit for letting mom down on the ticket thing.

I can imagine that this feels bad for you from the inside, but from the outside, this sounds so nuts and completely unreasonable that I felt compelled to comment.

First, your mom left you a note for something super time-sensitive. Did you even know about this, or was this a complete surprise? Then your dad is yelling at you for missing a note?

Honestly, that sounds quite unreasonable. I'm not here to ask you to feel any way other than how you are, as when I was caught in situations like that I didn't know how to see them any other way. But from the outside...

1. Did she ask you in person to handle the ticket situation? (I can't tell from your post.)
2. Did you agree to do so?

Even if both of those have answers of "yes", then your father yelling at you is unreasonable. And if either of them is "no", then it's even more unreasonable that your mom is putting time-critical tasks on you via note.

At the least, this is not reasonable behavior from your father, and possibly from your mother too.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

there was a note by my mom saying to get on her computer (everything was up) and snatch up 2 tickets for an event that sells out quickly. And that it was too late. [...] I feel like such a piece of shit for letting mom down on the ticket thing.

I can imagine that this feels bad for you from the inside, but from the outside, this sounds so nuts and completely unreasonable that I felt compelled to comment.

First, your mom left you a note for something super time-sensitive. Did you even know about this, or was this a complete surprise? Then your dad is yelling at you for missing a note?

Honestly, that sounds quite unreasonable. I'm not here to ask you to feel any way other than how you are, as when I was caught in situations like that I didn't know how to see them any other way. But from the outside...

1. Did she ask you in person to handle the ticket situation? (I can't tell from your post.)
2. Did you agree to do so?

Even if both of those have answers of "yes", then your father yelling at you is unreasonable. And if either of them is "no", then it's even more unreasonable that your mom is putting time-critical tasks on you via note.

At the least, this is not reasonable behavior from your father, and possibly from your mother too.

She gave me a heads up yesterday and I agreed to do it, but I forgot all about it when I woke up today and didn't see the note until dad pointed it out, which was only after it was too late anyway. These tickets sell out FAST and you have to be watching very closely for when a slot opens up because it'll get take *snap* like that. Miss an opportunity and you're screwed. Mom had work today so she was counting on me to do it. I kinda knew it wouldn't work out but I agreed to do it, now I feel like an asshat for not remembering. Still, there's no guarantee that I would have gotten two tickets even if I HAD remembered. But it's too late now. All the tickets are sold out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I hate myself. I wasn't good enough for my friend, I'm not good enough for the women I want in my life, I'm not good enough to have what I want, I'm just not good enough and I feel like I have no chance of ever becoming the man I want to become and having the life I want to have. No matter how much inner work I do with these subs, I feel like I'll never become the man I want to be, live the life I want to live, get the women I want to get or experience the life I want to experience. I want to commit suicide, but that would be pointless because I believe that if I do, I'll just have to reincarnate with the same problems. I want to blame god and be angry at god, but I believe we are all god, experiencing the illusion of separation, so I'd really just be getting mad at myself. Why would I program my life this way? Why would I want to put myself through this? I hate what I am, and I'm running out of hope to ever become what I dream of becoming. I've suffered so much and had to face such painful experiences... For what? What good came out of them? I'm so angry. I hate the world. I hate the universe. I hate the cosmos. I hate god. I hate the fundamental structure of reality. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Why must I suffer like this? WHY must I have the experiences I had and suffer through the consequences I've suffered? How did this make me ANY MORE the person I wish to be?! I hate my options. I hate the very lessons my higher self seems to want me to learn, as they seem to involve accepting myself with no hope for becoming who I WANT to be. I have to accept being undesirable and not good enough for the people I want. I have to just be like "Oh well, moving on" and I don't want to. I don't want to accept not being able to get what I want. Not being good enough. It's like my lesson is to learn to accept defeat. I don't want to accept defeat. I want to WIN, dammit! I am beginning to hate my own higher self and that's a very dangerous thing. I don't feel like I'm healing at all from using E2. I feel like I'm losing hope. I feel like the universe has conspired to make me unable to achieve my goals, just so I could "accept" defeat, and I hate that. I refuse to lose dammit. I refuse to have failure as my only option.

[Zane]

Ahh.. The healing games I went thru. The shit I had to deal with...

No matter what you feel or think just keep moving forward. That's how you gain experience get stronger and reach enlightenment.


If you have a goal in your mind to fix yourself them don't let it stop you.

The journey seems tough but with time will get easier. Create the reality you want to.. It will take sometime but in the end lock yourself into that reality and then do whatever you want to cause that will be your own world.

But before that you must fix yourself and focus on yourself only.. When you see other succeed you should see yourself there too one day..

Whatever you are gonna be in future I promise you that you will be very happy with it..

Most of the time we want something else but chase something else.. On unconscious level..

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Ahh.. The healing games I went thru. The shit I had to deal with...

No matter what you feel or think just keep moving forward. That's how you gain experience get stronger and reach enlightenment.


If you have a goal in your mind to fix yourself them don't let it stop you.

The journey seems tough but with time will get easier. Create the reality you want to.. It will take sometime but in the end lock yourself into that reality and then do whatever you want to cause that will be your own world.

But before that you must fix yourself and focus on yourself only.. When you see other succeed you should see yourself there too one day..

Whatever you are gonna be in future I promise you that you will be very happy with it..

Most of the time we want something else but chase something else.. On unconscious level..

I see others succeed without having to struggle for what they got like I have and I hate them for the winning hands they've been dealt in life. I feel like Cain, and I hate Abel so. Fucking. Much. I hope you're right, Zane. I hope I can be Abel one day, but it feels like I'm destined to live my life as Cain. I HATE my life so fucking much. I hate my ex-friend. I hate myself. I'm just full of hate right now, because I've gone through so much and I feel like I can't turn my losses into victories. It looks like WM gets you a bit of sex with a few mildly attractive women and SM might get you one or two women but that's it. And DMSI looks like it does nalnutta damn thing. It's supposed to be this great sub that makes women throw themselves at you for sex, but so far, nobody seems to be reporting that. And it seems a lot of people aren't getting results from AYP subs either.

You ever been in love and been rejected? You ever had your best friend friend-dump you? You ever have your family call you a loser or tell you your time isn't worth anything? I hate my life. 

It's like all the worst things to ever happen to me, I can't change anything about them. I fell in love with an unbelievably attractive woman and she didn't think I was good enough for her. I got friend dumped and will never be forgiven. My family situation is shit and I feel like my family only ever made my issues worse and cause those rejections I've faced. I grew up as a kid with no friends who the boys beat up and the girls wanted nothing to do with. 

I want to change. I want to be REBORN like a phoenix. I want to be the guy young, beautiful women fight over and worry about not being able to get. I want to be the guy that perfect 10's (not just in looks, but other ways as well) fall in love with. I wanna be the guy that when he falls in love, has his love requited. I want to be beautiful on the inside and out, and be seen that way by people who are beautiful on the inside and out. I want to be good enough. I want to be desirable. I want to be loved. I want to be recognized as worthy. I want to WIN. 

And it's looking like I've been pinning my hopes on these subs to help get me there and they don't work as advertised. At least not the ones that are supposed to change external circumstances. 

I dunno. Maybe I'm just going through a rough period right now, but all the self healing? I don't think it's occurring. I don't feel like I've healed one bit. I don't feel like I CAN heal. I feel stuck. Hopelessly stuck. I feel like Sisyphus pushing his rock up a hill. I really hope I can change my reality, but everything seems so futile and I'm supposed to just accept the futility. and what's worse is I feel like I have to struggle so hard for a ray of hope that's getting dimmer and dimmer.

[findingme]

I pulled this from Greenduck's thread.

I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario. I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this. Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.

E2 is one of the easiest (not fastest) ways to come out of and THROUGH this self hatred. No kidding.

EP, do you want to fight for the right to destroy yourself?

Or do you want something, like new thinking, which will bring much better, and even happier, returns?

Every single one of us has doubted we'd arrive at our desired destination, even using subliminals. I realized while using many of Shannon's subs that I was actively working the opposite way. I didn't often share about it, for I'd done that for years in many settings. People got tired of it, and my support faded. The bold ones said "what do you WANT?! When you're tired of the results you're getting doing it your way, then turn around and go for that. You won't be alone then!"

I back that thinking now, for 2 reasons. First, it's the truth. I never found peace running from the truth. And secondly, I began to feel the pain I was putting myself through. I didn't know how to love myself, and I was afraid of this reality, as I'd mixed other pain-inducing beliefs into it.

E2 was the second sub I bought. And I skipped over it for almost a year. When I finally stayed on it, healing (meaning some internal pain) came about. I was SO active in self sabotaging myself that I was doubtful of my ability to stay on it for 90 days. Running the ultrasonic day and night is the only way I got through it.

You can too. Your story and pain is not uncommon here. There is hope. Look for it, and you'll find it. If you keep your eyes on your mistakes, you'll find them too. It's a practice I am still learning.

And lastly: there is value in every single mistake you've ever made. PTPA kicked in while on E2, highlighting that. I encourage you strongly: HANG ON!! The ride is WORTH it! You are worth it!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 43:

I don't want to be conscious right now. Truth is, I NEVER want to be conscious, but I'm running low on the motivation to get up and try to be my best self anyway. I feel like giving up. I feel like just saying "fuck it" and not even trying anymore. Every day is a battle not to just cave in to depression. I realize part of the reason I spend so much time on the computer or in bed is because I'm trying to distract myself from these feelings I have. And I just can't escape them anymore. I feel like a total failure. I feel like a worthless nobody not worth loving or being friends with or making the effort for. I can barely muster up the energy to finish typing this. Hell, it took a while just to get up and go take a leak with my bladder full. I'm just so demoralized and depressed right now... I feel like nothing's worth the effort. I feel like it makes no difference. I feel like all hope is lost. I feel like I'll never be worthy. I hate myself. I hate my higher self. I hate the universe. I hate my ex friend. I hate her husband. I hate... life. I am at my lowest point. And I don't know if I'll ever recover.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I pulled this from Greenduck's thread.

I guess it's because I feel like I would be accepting defeat. Like I'm not good enough, was never good enough and will never be good enough, so I might as well just give up, because I can't change that. And I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to admit I'm not good enough and will never be good enough. I want to think I can win, and prove I am good enough. Problem is, with that attitude, I'll NEVER be good enough anyway. It feels like a catch 22. It feels like I'm in an unwinnable scenario. I realize I'm relying way too much on external validation, but I feel like if I were really good enough, the external would match the internal, right? Problem is, the internal doesn't believe I'm good enough, so the external DOES match the internal. A catch 22. I dunno how to resolve this. Maybe I DO just need to let it go and believe I AM good enough despite what external circumstances say. But I don't feel that way. Sorry I'm dumping my shit on you. You're right, I can accept it's over, I just can't seem to accept myself. I never could. I hate myself, and don't think I'm worth anything. I need these healing subs. But I don't know if they can clean up all this self hatred. I guess I just gotta have faith and try my best, because I'm running out of options.

E2 is one of the easiest (not fastest) ways to come out of and THROUGH this self hatred.  No kidding.

EP, do you want to fight for the right to destroy yourself?  

Or do you want something, like new thinking, which will bring much better, and even happier, returns?  

Every single one of us has doubted we'd arrive at our desired destination, even using subliminals.  I realized while using many of Shannon's subs that  I was actively working the opposite way.  I didn't often share about it, for I'd done that for years in many settings.  People got tired of it, and my support faded.  The bold ones said "what do you WANT?!  When you're tired of the results you're getting doing it your way, then turn around and go for that.  You won't be alone then!"

I back that thinking now, for 2 reasons.  First, it's the truth.  I never found peace running from the truth.  And secondly, I began to feel the pain I was putting myself through.  I didn't know how to love myself, and I was afraid of this reality, as I'd mixed other pain-inducing beliefs into it.  

E2 was the second sub I bought.  And I skipped over it for almost a year.  When I finally stayed on it, healing (meaning some internal pain) came about.  I was SO active in self sabotaging myself that I was doubtful of my ability to stay on it for 90 days.  Running the ultrasonic day and night is the only way I got through it.  

You can too.  Your story and pain is not uncommon here.  There is hope.  Look for it, and you'll find it.  If you keep your eyes on your mistakes, you'll find them too.  It's a practice I am still learning.  

And lastly: there is value in every single mistake you've ever made.  PTPA kicked in while on E2, highlighting that.   I encourage you strongly: HANG ON!!  The ride is WORTH it!  You are worth it!

Thanks for the support, Findingme. I don't feel like I'm getting through the self hatred on E2, but I keep running it anyway, hoping maybe I will. I'm hanging on as best I can. Thank you for your kind words of support and encouragement. I'll try to get there, but I feel so stuck and so worthless. The experiences I've had have scarred me in ways I don't know how to recover from and it feels like I'll never be able to fix what I ruined in life. But I'm hoping I'll be able to move on and accept myself. I'll take your encouragement and try to hold on. I just don't know what I'm holding on to at this point...

[findingme]

You feeling and grinding through this stuff is confirmation that E2 is very active in your thinking.

Are you even aware that E2's emotional distancing affect is saving you from overbearing pain? I saw counselors and therapists for many years, and the knowing that.....I'd have to dig that shit up again.....kept me locked up. I was terrified of the power of my past. Absolutely terrified.

E2 is the only sub I've ever even heard of which saves anyone from having to completely relive such traumas. To me, THAT is hell. I say to therapists and counselors "KEEP THAT". E2 is full blown permission to heal without living in daily fear and trauma.

Before I started LTU, I'd purchased an emotional healing sub from another vendor. While using it, I had direct connections with old fears, and I was heavily preoccupied with them. Fears like "I don't want to feel that while (at work, visiting friends, flirting with cashiers while shopping, etc.) were on my mind consistently. After 2 weeks of that, I realized the other vendor just didn't have the knowledge or experience with healing one's emotions on a day by day basis, so I came back to E2. E2 is easy as pie compared to other subs and healing modalities.

Also, one last point, which I hang on: with E2, you paid once. No more is due. If you were in therapy, this ain't offered. You pay every single time. Easy therapy (and as much as you want) vs. paying, paying, paying, again and again. Every other sub is like that too. You could jump off and return a month, a year, even 20 years from now, but you paid the bill already. You've shared your financial situation, so think about that for a moment. This was why I picked up LTU while it was $600. The bill's been paid

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Alright man, I'll keep running E2.

And anyway, thanks for your support

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 44:

So I got high last night and had an epiphany:

I'm CHOOSING to suffer.

This may not be the lengthiest realization, but it was a powerful one, because it made me realize how needless my suffering is. I may not like the way things are right now, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer.