E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I feel antsy, like there's something I feel I SHOULD be doing with my time, but I can't figure out what. So I don't know what to do.

Starting tonight, I'm going to work Healing Codes (www.dralexanderloyd.com) into my daily routine.

Still can't figure out what to do with the rest of my time though. There's always guitar, I guess...

I have never met anyone else who's done the healing codes.  Just before my wife and I separated in 2011, I bought the book and had just played with them.  Living by myself after our separation, I took this on heavily.  I began doing it for hours each day: before work, during lunch while walking, and after work.

I had one major breakthrough one day, maybe 3 weeks later.  I relived a scene when I was maybe 2 years old, standing in my crib, and my mom came in.  I cried out to her, but she looked like she'd just been abandoned herself.  She turned around, leaving me with the belief she'd abandon me at will.  However, even seeing this in my mind, I did not feel traumatized.  The HC worked powerfully that day.  It's a cumulative process, meaning the more you do them, the clearer results will be.  I felt more powerful than this memory now; it didn't own me anymore.

And I didn't keep doing the HC after that.  I was scared of not being able to handle major changes in me; I think that's why.

The HC definitely DO work!

My mentor advised me to do them. I always did the bare minimum when I'd do them though and then I stopped doing them. Truth is, I don't like doing them. It bores me. But if they work, I might want to do them more. How did you remember which order to do them in while you were walking or at work? Was there just one set of HC you did? I always have to look up the HC for each subject (Love, joy, forgiveness, etc.) And then pull up an online timer. IS it important to focus on the healing statements while you do them, or are the hand positions themselves enough?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So I'm thinking about the "becoming technique" I realize to myself: Why am I waiting to use this to get my friend back? Until I'm sure it works? I am sure it works. Until I've improved myself enough to be worthy of getting my friend back? I've got to believe I AM worthy, and that I add value to this friends' life and anyone else's life I touch. Maybe I should just focus on getting my friend back now, so it doesn't still bother me. I guess I just have a hard time believing it and I want to give it time so I can be all like "Look how much I've changed" But honestly, why not just trust that the change to myself already made is sufficient and believe my friend can see the value in me? It's really all about the value I see in myself. I'm still not convinced I'm worthy. I need to believe I am.

[findingme]

It's really all about the value I see in myself.

That's it right there. E2 is working in you, or you'd not have even considered this.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It's really all about the value I see in myself.

That's it right there.  E2 is working in you, or you'd not have even considered this.

I'm really glad to hear that it's working! I guess we're ALL making progress here! Shannon's subs are fucking wonderful. I would love to get my brother to start listening to these, because he needs help going through this divorce he's going through. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement Findingme

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 31:

I'm noticing fear arising within me. Fear to do anything productive, like all I wanna do is sleep or d*ck around on the computer. I don't know why I'm afraid to do anything productive, but I am. Yet, I choose to try and do something productive anyway, so I'm deciding to take the plunge and finally start up the "becoming" technique, and... I can't imagine it. Getting back with my friend. I can't imagine us reconciling. I find the "becoming" technique itself quite difficult. And here I wanted to create this very specific type of GF for myself. The problem is it was an online friendship, and to imagine us getting back together is to imagine suddenly getting messaged back by this friend. I have a hard time imagining the messaging back and forth on the internet. I'm just now starting this technique and I'm already having trouble. I've gotta figure out what to imagine! I've got to figure out the scene to set. And I've got to focus myself on imagining it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So Shannon told me what was wrong with being a beginner at this and trying to do something advanced like imagine reconciliation with my friend. I'm just going to try to imagine a girlfriend again, but this time, not so specific.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 32:

Procrastination and the need to just stay in bed are strong today. I feel that inner fear I've often had. The one where I'm afraid to just do the productive things I feel I ought to be doing. I don't know why I have these feelings. But it's like I'm afraid to live my life, and there's a desire I have to live my life a certain way, but I don't know exactly what that way is yet. And even if I did know, I'd still have to contend with this fear. I honestly can't wait to go on LTU5, with E3 and the FRM on it. But I have to.

I tried the "becoming" technique earlier today, this time without getting too specific. I still had a hard time concentrating and utilizing all 5 senses AND my emotions. And TBH, I feel "paralyzed" today, in a way that's hard to describe. At least I'm not feeling lonely or beating myself up over the friendship breakup. I remain hopeful that I'll one day be able to use the "Becoming" technique to get my friend back, even if it's taking longer than I would have hoped to be able to use it for that purpose. But I'm having a hard time just DOING the "becoming" technique in the first place.

And right now, I'm struggling to even do anything. I don't know why I feel this way today, but all I wanna do is sleep. I'm still gonna get off my butt and go for a meditation walk and do my healing codes, but other than that, I've got no idea what else I WANT to do, but sleep and d*ck around on the computer. And whenever I d*ck around on the computer, it feels like I'm just trying to keep myself in a distracted state, but I don't know what I'm trying to distract myself from. It's not just boredom I'm trying to distract myself from, but something more. Maybe this fear I'm feeling? I dunno. I'm having a hard time with all this...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 32:

Same sh*t as yesterday. Truth be told, despite staying up until 5 AM last night, I didn't do my healing codes. I just d*cked around on the computer. Procrastination is a really big issue for me lately. Still, considering how suicidal I was just 12 days ago, I'm still in a MUCH better place than I was. Although some of the regret from the friendship breakup is coming back. It's hard to be optimistic about the whole "becoming" thing when I suck so bad at it. Memories of how I acted and how I treated my friend come back to me and I don't feel good. I was a lousy friend. And I've got to own up to that while remaining hopeful that in spite of EVERYTHING, I may one day get my friend back and repair the issues between us. I NEED to be able to repair the damage done. I need to be able to rebuild the bridges I've burned. I NEED another chance to set things right. I'm willing to wait (as if I have much choice?) but I can't let go and just move on altogether. I've GOT TO be able to set things right, even if it takes a while.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 33:

Haven't done anything today. Nothing new to report.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 34:

So I went to bed early last night and now I've awoken at 11 AM today. MUCH earlier than when I usually wake up. 

I'm discovering I have some deep seated hurt over things my exfriend has said to me in the past. I have a desire to make this friend regret the hurtful things they've said to me. Even though I've said hurtful things to them and regret what I've said. I'm in a weird place that's hard to heal right now. 

Seems I haven't fully forgiven my friend for the hurtful things they've said nor myself for what I did to make my friend say them. 

One of these days, my exfriend and I WILL work through these issues. If I have to learn everything there is to learn about the "becoming" technique, I will.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 35:
I've started going to sleep and waking up at earlier hours, so this is an improvement.

I'm slowly integrating more things into my day: Meditation walks, healing codes and now I'll try to bring exercise into the mix as well. Every day, I'll either go to the gym and work out my legs, shoulders, back, arms and chest, stay at home and work on my abs or stay home and draw. That way, not only do I have something to do on days where I don't have to exercise, but I get in some drawing practice as well and improve my art skills. It's a slow process, working into my day things that will be beneficial to me, but if I can settle into a groove of doing them, my life will be in a better place for sure.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 36:

I've noticed something... I'm feeling a lot less lonely nowadays than I was just a short time ago. I wonder why that is? Is it because I've gained hope for getting my friend back? Is it because of E2? I'm not sure. All's I know is, it feels lately like I can focus on getting things done. If this is E2 working, then I swear Shannon's products are gifts to humanity.

Anyway, I still have a hard time with the "Becoming" technique. I need to think of a simple goal to visualize and start there.

I'm also waking up earlier which is nice.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 37: So I woke up today late for an appointment I had with the job coach and had to reschedule to afternoon tomorrow. I then looked at my "To Do" list, got intimidated and decided to practice creative visualization in bed instead, which of course resulted in me falling asleep. Although I think I might be getting a little better at it. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I still have stuff to do: Chores, set up my e-lance account, set up Anki software with flash cards that will be useful to me, go for my meditation walk, do my healing codes, and go to the gym. There was more on the list, but I have less time to do it now. And I'm gonna have to go to sleep earlier. Today's not the best day for getting stuff done. Truth be told, I have a hard time being productive. I probably won't even do all that. If I can just do the Meditation Walk, the Healing Codes and go to the gym, that'll be enough for today. I hope when I get LTU5, it'll help me be more productive with it's Overcoming Procrastination and Ultra Motivation. Because I definitely have problems in those two realms.

I don't wanna do anything. I just wanna go back to sleep. This is an issue for sure.

[THolt]

Day 37: So I woke up today late for an appointment I had with the job coach and had to reschedule to afternoon tomorrow. I then looked at my "To Do" list, got intimidated and decided to practice creative visualization in bed instead, which of course resulted in me falling asleep. Although I think I might be getting a little better at it. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I still have stuff to do: Chores, set up my e-lance account, set up Anki software with flash cards that will be useful to me, go for my meditation walk, do my healing codes, and go to the gym. There was more on the list, but I have less time to do it now. And I'm gonna have to go to sleep earlier. Today's not the best day for getting stuff done. Truth be told, I have a hard time being productive. I probably won't even do all that. If I can just do the Meditation Walk, the Healing Codes and go to the gym, that'll be enough for today. I hope when I get LTU5, it'll help me be more productive with it's Overcoming Procrastination and Ultra Motivation. Because I definitely have problems in those two realms.

I don't wanna do anything. I just wanna go back to sleep. This is an issue for sure.

Seems like E2 is bringing a lot of stuff to your attention. I think LTU5 will be good for you as well. I am looking forward to reading your LTU5 journal once you get the program.