E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 27:

I haven't been on my laptop yet today (I'm on my phone now) but I still am not doing anything I need to be doing. I've mostly just been sleeping and eating. There is some internal resistance I seem to have towards productivity or doing what I need to be doing. And I don't understand where it comes from. But I'm not feeling bad today. I'm Feeling alright today. No suicidal thoughts or beating myself up over the friendship breakup. So that's good.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I've got a real problem. I can't stay away from my phone or laptop. If I'm not refreshing pages on the forums I frequent, I'm trying to distract myself with Youtube videos. Usually those videos are ones which fill a hole I have in me socially. I need to figure out the solution to this but I don't know what it is.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

And whatever solutions I DO have, I have to wait for: Waiting for Learning Academies to line me up with work, waiting to be able to afford LTU5 so I can set my goals to make friends, waiting to be able to afford a QHHT session with a particular woman who will make me wait a year or two before she's available to actually PERFORM the QHHT session. It feels like I'm just WAITING to put my broken life together in the ways that matter most. And as I think about how fucked my life is, and how sick I am of living this way, suicidal urges start to return, just because I want to get away from this personal hell I'm living in. I look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid, and it's the social/love part where I'm sorely lacking. I wonder what the metaphysical purpose is of this suffering? How do I move past it?

[THolt]

And whatever solutions I DO have, I have to wait for: Waiting for Learning Academies to line me up with work, waiting to be able to afford LTU5 so I can set my goals to make friends, waiting to be able to afford a QHHT session with a particular woman who will make me wait a year or two before she's available to actually PERFORM the QHHT session. It feels like I'm just WAITING to put my broken life together in the ways that matter most. And as I think about how ***** my life is, and how sick I am of living this way, suicidal urges start to return, just because I want to get away from this personal hell I'm living in. I look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs pyramid, and it's the social/love part where I'm sorely lacking. I wonder what the metaphysical purpose is of this suffering? How do I move past it?

Well as @Shannon says, you only fail if you give up. I am in the same boat as you. Even now I struggle with making friends, but E3 has opened my eyes in that I am more comfortable with myself. I realized that I became dependent on people for validation. With E3, I feel like I am on the road to emotional recovery.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm glad to hear that Tholt

I suppose you and Shannon are right. I just get  so sick of living my life like this. But you and Shannon are right. It's only failure if I quit.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement Tholt. I really appreciate it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 28:

Nothing new to report. Same old feelings, same old issues.


I will note however that compared to 8 days ago, I seem to be doing better. I look at day 20, and the suicidal aspects to it are much more intense than anything I've been feeling lately, although there was a twinge of suicidal urge yesterday. Still, I think I'm much better off lately than 8 days ago, so I guess I'm making progress. On the other hand, everything changed about the time Shannon told me there was a way to get my friend back, with this "becoming" technique of his. So that might be part of it. It's hard to tell how much my progress (if I've actually made any at all) is due to E2. With my hopes to one day get my friend back firmly re-established, my mood has stabilized better and begun to go up, so it might all just be that, plus I'm not obsessing over the friendship breakup. I think about it from time to time, but I don't let the guilt, shame and regret consume me like I once did.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I think I've come to the realization that the way I'm living now is the way I've always lived. I just have more awareness of it. But I have a hard time changing the way I live. So I feel shitty about it. I want to change the way I live, but any time spent away from the computer leaves me feeling empty and lonely. The computer distracts me from that.

I feel like I've wasted my youth: 10 years barely working at a dead end minimum wage job I hated, not going to college through a good portion of it, spending so much time doing nothing at the computer, just killing time. Mindlessly. And now that time's gone and I can't get it back. I regret how I wasted my twenties. And yet, I can't help but still waste time. I can't stand being aware of how alone I am.

I don't know what to do. Maybe there's no amount of social life I can have that will satisfy me? I don't know.

It feels like layers and layers of deep issues that can't be resolved. And even if I resolve one, there's a deeper issue that still needs working on that I don't know how to handle. And it feels like I've got no choice but to try, because suicide isn't a way out. It all feels like too much for even LTU5 to be able to fix, but do I have any other options?
, and I feel intimidated at the thought of even attempting to clean it up. and going at my own pace, I go very slowly at it. I wonder if I'll be able to resolve these issue within this lifetime. It feels like there's so much that needs fixing. And I can't even stand being away from the computer unless I've got some other way to be distracted! I don't know what's at the root of it all It's like, you think you've found the root of an issue, only to find that root has a root which has a root which has a root. I think the ultimate root may be fear, but that's so many layers deep, and I don't know how to confront it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 29: I'm feeling a lot better today than I was yesterday. I didn't feel as addicted to my computer today as I did yesterday, but I didn't know what to do with myself other than go meditation walking and clean my room. I should've played my guitar or gone to the gym. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. 

But I don't feel as lonely today. And I don't feel like I need to have a specific type of friend or group of friends. I can just accept the friends I have or get as they come and enjoy my time with them. And I don't feel so bad about the friendship breakup, and I feel like I can have the life I want, if I just use the "becoming" technique. 

I've also decided that instead of focusing on Babymetal, I'm going to focus the "becoming" technique on getting an apartment. Question is, do I want roommates or my own apartment? Then I gotta go "apartment hunting" and figure out which apartment I want to imagine myself in. Or maybe use it to get a hot girlfriend? I'm not sure what to focus it on! But I need to come up with something and stick with it, so I don't sabotage myself.

I wonder what's so different about today that I'm less lonely than usual? Maybe it's because I'm starting to have hope that I can build the social circle I want, so now I'm accepting the social circle I already have more? I dunno. 

Maybe today's just a good day for me?

At any rate, on a scale from 1-10, 1 being ready to commit suicide and 10 being absolute bliss, I'm feeling like I'm at a 6 today, so that's a pretty good day for me!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I feel antsy, like there's something I feel I SHOULD be doing with my time, but I can't figure out what. So I don't know what to do.

Starting tonight, I'm going to work Healing Codes (www.dralexanderloyd.com) into my daily routine.

Still can't figure out what to do with the rest of my time though. There's always guitar, I guess...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 30:

I've been re-reading Mat's post from yesterday, and I think I may have a hard time letting go of the illusion of lacking control. Like maybe I'm afraid to let go of struggle, because I find meaning in it. Like I'm worried that if I let go of struggle, I'll have let go of meaning. I'm afraid to accept my own divinity.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

And maybe I don't want to take responsibility for my own life... But if I know I can build the life I want, why am I afraid of taking responsibility? Am I just lazy? Is laziness truly a thing or just an oversimplified explanation for something more going on under the surface? I get the feeling that's the case.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I also still can't decide what to focus my "becoming" technique on. I'm thinking a girlfriend or money, but then I've got to imagine what she'll look like if I pick GF or I'll have to imagine seeing the money in my account. Well, I suppose seeing the money in my account is easy enough.. Still, the girlfriend sounds like the more interesting option if I canbpull it off. But harder. What if I imagined winning the lotto though? Hmm... Decisions decisions...

EDIT: I've decided I'm going to imagine a very specific GF for myself: very light (almost white) platinum blonde hair, pale skin, 4'11 height, gigantic almond shaped blue eyes, large breasts, a bubble butt, full lips, bisexual, 18 years old, creative, red pilled, still a virgin, going to the University near my house. I wonder if that's possible? If not, I'll go for the closest thing I can to it.

[findingme]

I feel antsy, like there's something I feel I SHOULD be doing with my time, but I can't figure out what. So I don't know what to do.

Starting tonight, I'm going to work Healing Codes (www.dralexanderloyd.com) into my daily routine.

Still can't figure out what to do with the rest of my time though. There's always guitar, I guess...

I have never met anyone else who's done the healing codes. Just before my wife and I separated in 2011, I bought the book and had just played with them. Living by myself after our separation, I took this on heavily. I began doing it for hours each day: before work, during lunch while walking, and after work.

I had one major breakthrough one day, maybe 3 weeks later. I relived a scene when I was maybe 2 years old, standing in my crib, and my mom came in. I cried out to her, but she looked like she'd just been abandoned herself. She turned around, leaving me with the belief she'd abandon me at will. However, even seeing this in my mind, I did not feel traumatized. The HC worked powerfully that day. It's a cumulative process, meaning the more you do them, the clearer results will be. I felt more powerful than this memory now; it didn't own me anymore.

And I didn't keep doing the HC after that. I was scared of not being able to handle major changes in me; I think that's why.

The HC definitely DO work!