Darwin’s Journal

[Darwinn]

The funny thing about results sometimes is that you really do feel as though you've always done things you've only just started doing. It just dawned on me that I understand my job better than I've ever done in my life. I'm daily reading more and more about my trade in consulting, and developing the mental models I need to think better on the spot. I'm having conversations about finance and theory which I've never done.

I'm shamelessly asking questions (didn't do before) and taking on, with no second thought, things which would have made me shit myself. I just had to read several academic papers for a project and start using what I'd learned to design a product -I don't know when the F I've ever been confident enough to do something like that - but I'm doing it, and it's not even an issue.

Last night I went to a martial arts class, and was able to internalise movements and techniques after seeing them once - it was the first class I'd attended and people who had been doing it for years kept asking me where I'd trained before (I haven't trained in anything in over 10 years). In sparring I found myself adapting to my opponent, learning quickly from tricks they were playing and ways they were responding to my movement in order to trick them - it was fricken surreal.

[Darwinn]

I should say that in spite of all this I still some how 'feel' like I'm stupid and not as smart as everyone else. This is one of the fundamental issues that has shaped my life so I expect it's not going to be solved overnight. I embedded trauma over being shamed for standing out intellectually, for being creative or better. I actually got beaten up when I was a kid by a group of bigger older kids, just for being different in the way I looked and thought and having the audacity to not think it was an issue - add to this the fact that my self worth has always been tied to class performance where I could never concentrate. .

Anyway on we go

[Darwinn]

Feeling pretty worthless.

[RTBoss]

Feeling pretty worthless.

Good.

I mean it.

Now sit with that feeling, and don't judge yourself. Let it be okay to feel that way.

You're about to feel very differently about yourself...So enjoy it when it comes. 'Cuz it's coming.

[Darwinn]

Perfect, thanks. Just the reminder I needed.

[Darwinn]

So for real that was a really helpful and valuable reminder. It took me right back to AM6 days when I was wrestling the worst of insecurities. I had learnt to look forward to the next time I was triggered because it would be a chance to integrate and grow.

This time I say there and the pain blended into me and disappeared, leaving me feeling stronger than ever.

[Darwinn]

MLS is hitting me in weird ways. I find myself going into a trance like state, having either ideas for businesses where I'm visualising products in crazy detail, playing with their dimensions and properties and simulating using them all in my minds eye, or going into deep modes of thought about questions I have, coming out of them with blinding insights.

When this happens I come back feeling super spacey and detached from reality and it takes some exercise to ground myself again.

Im moving forward now with making one of the products just to see if it will work. In terms of the insights , MLS is teaching me the problem of optimisation with constraints. I'm a limited human, with a finite amount of resource and time, I've been trying to have everything (in my journals a recurrent theme has been my inability to choose what to focus on), MLS is helping me with a new framework for decision on this fundamental issue. I'm also learning to be truly independent of other people's judgment. It's developing still but the insight I've had on this is and its effects on my Social and work anxiety has been immense. It's a problem I've tried to deal with in AM6 which made me independent but hateful, in LTU which made me self validating and loving but impotent and unmotivated in action taking. MLS helps to make it so that when you have a problem you can take a step back and engage in a rational calculation to solve it.

[Darwinn]

I seem to be spending much of my time at the moment figuring out what my purpose in life is. I've been writing for days about my experiences, pretty much from birth and am seeing real patterns, related to my talents and the challenges and circumstances I keep repeating.

I think this is in relation to the calculation behind solving my anxiety and problems with dealing with the complexity of reality. I need a true north, a 'Why' should I, before a 'What' should I do, in order to find where the real value is in allocating the scarce resource of time and life i have before i die; and I suspect that the answer is in the behavioural and circumstantial patterns i see emerging when i review my life.

[Raikahoken]

I seem to be spending much of my time at the moment figuring out what my purpose in life is. I've been writing for days about my experiences, pretty much from birth and am seeing real patterns, related to my talents and the challenges and circumstances I keep repeating.

I think this is in relation to the calculation behind solving my anxiety and problems with dealing with the complexity of reality. I need a true north, a 'Why' should I, before a 'What' should I do, in order to find where the real value is in allocating the scarce resource of time and life i have before i die; and I suspect that the answer is in the behavioural and circumstantial patterns i see emerging when i review my life.

I'm going through much of the same thoughts nowadays mate. Also on MLS. Would appreciate if you could elaborate on the behavioral and circumstantial patterns you see from your life.

[Darwinn]

What i've noted is that there are circumstances that have arisen periodically. I won't go into the esoteric side of my thinking about this, but on the more grounded side i suspect I've brought these about through my own unconscious trying to overcome a problem or perceived defect in myself, and until now I've continued to react in a way which has led to personal destruction and failure (the repeated behavioural patterns which have become the parts of my personality which let things down)

[DarkPlouf]

I'm going through the same thing. About 3/4 weeks ago I suddenly woke up at 3 AM. I didn't know what to do so I was browsing internet aiminglessly. I bumped into a really well-made article talking about repressed emotions and how they create destructive patterns. That was something I totally overlooked before. I managed to pin point 3 destructive patterns I keep manifesting into my life. The same scheme, again and again, periodically.
I seem to manifest broken people who in the end hurt me immensely and cause me to ease them out of my life, - cut ties totally. Now I don't even want to be friend with someone anymore...

[Determined]

I'm going through the same thing. About 3/4 weeks ago I suddenly woke up at 3 AM. I didn't know what to do so I was browsing internet aiminglessly. I bumped into a really well-made article talking about repressed emotions and how they create destructive patterns. That was something I totally overlooked before. I managed to pin point 3 destructive patterns I keep manifesting into my life. The same scheme, again and again, periodically.
I seem to manifest broken people who in the end hurt me immensely and cause me to ease them out of my life, - cut ties totally. Now I don't even want to be friend with someone anymore...

I think you're missing the gold here Plouf. Your subconscious mind woke you up and led you there because you're now ready to work and heal this.

One of the things the subconscious mind does amazingly is keeping us safe. Especially from our traumas. Often it represses these memories and emotions and locks them away until we're ready to deal with them. The metaphorical basement of the mind.

You're being invited to heal and deal with this. That is great! Do what you need to do and you won't have to worry about manifesting the broken people anymore.

[DarkPlouf]

But seeing all these people still struggling after months and months of E2 is discouraging. The h/c seems to never end.
Right now I'm enjoying APE. It makes me feel good and that's a sweet spot for my well being.
Yeah I will run E2 eventually, but I don't feel ready for it now.

[Determined]

But seeing all these people still struggling after months and months of E2 is discouraging. The h/c seems to never end.
Right now I'm enjoying APE. It makes me feel good and that's a sweet spot for my well being.
Yeah I will run E2 eventually, but I don't feel ready for it now.

Lol E2 isn't the only way to clear stuff out like that. Theres other more focused ways.

Keep in mind that whatever we hold on to subconsciously not only effects our lives but that of our children too. Children learn by observing their parents in their formative years.

Your energy, subconscious strategies for life, social skills and even pain (mental and emotional traumas) get taken on by the child. It's therefore in our best interest to clear not only for ourselves but also our future children should anyone here be inclined to have any.

Best of luck on your journey