Darwin’s Journal

[Darwinn]

So it's day 2.

I'm still sharper more confident and fluid in communication but I think I'm somehow addicted to subs now. Like I don't want to stop listening. I had it going yesterday, then on silent last night and then today for about 3 loops. I'm going to back off now until tomorrow lest this start to have negative effects.

[Darwinn]

Silly me, over did it and got subliminal burn out. Throbbing headache, shivering, sweating. 15 hours in bed and a huge breakfast and I'm ok again. Looking forward now to getting all my day job work out of the way, finishing some admin and getting on to smashing through my learning goals.

[Shannon]

You sure that wasn't a flu?

[Darwinn]

Not completely sure no, just an inference from how it dissipated after a good sleep. Also found that after listening this morning I needed to have a good slee again as well

[Shannon]

MLS 5.5G is a heavy duty sub. First order of business is everything at once.Learning, remembering detoxing and making physical changes. Once the physical changes and detox are complete, and it can focus on learning, you should have less need for sleep.

[Darwinn]

Noted, I can feel that. I'm being supported in an attitude of one thing at a time and prioritising things - such as exercise and healthy food, as well as being supported in asking myself where would I best utilise my time, I can't tell you how welcome this is, my whole life has been a mess just from an inability to choose the couple of things I should focus on, and this is shifting that - im moving toward being an essentialist.

[Darwinn]

Last night I dreamt entirely in Spanish. I didn't even do that when I was learning it. This morning I woke up feeling like I could have a conversation in it - albeit with grammatical errors.

Also sat down yesterday to go through another chapter on my programming course which I found fascinating - I hadn't touched it in a week which would normally mean I've forgotten the previous part and have to go back but nop not this time. What was interesting was not necessarily an improvement in brain function but rather an increased confidence in my ability to recalll which allowed me to play with my memory and relive what I'd learnt.

I'm also reading around my day job.

I feel like I'm getting my brain and self back after years of living with cognitive impairment and anxiety related to it.

[Darwinn]

And the dreams of instruction continue - last night I dreamt I was in a yoga class, going through each move, practicing it. This morning, just for fun I picked up a complex book that's been sitting on my shelf for two years (owing to my always losing interest, and getting lost with the concepts and explanations) and read the first two chapters (around 60 pages) on the morning commute - just for fun.

I received a challenge yesterday. In short, a highly complex meeting/negotiation next week which will require deep knowledge of things I'm not confident on, and fluid presentation of these things in front of super judgmental genius-assholes. This is the sort of thing which I've avoided at all cost until now - it's simply caused me too much anxiety before. It will be a good test of the initial impacts of this sub on my ability to perform (I say initial, because I have little doubt that things are to improve over time and with more exposure).

Oh and I've been going to the gym every day on Autopilot. Did I mention that ?

Now to prepare.

[Darwinn]

BUmping heads with some bona(er?)fide resistance in the form of fapping. I haven't done this in a long time since I have sex on tap - it majorly depresses my motivation and brings up a lot of negativity for me.

Just having thoughts of what makes me so special, why should I be so smart and basic psychological roadbloacks like that. I want to tap on these like the days of old.

[Darwinn]

Also procrastinating on work and screwing myself over with prep for this presentation next week. Gonna get an early night after some meditation and gym and start again tomorrow.

[Darwinn]

massive resistance coming up. I'm pleased, I can see clearly the demons I'm facing and I'm being forced down an alley into a new and wiser character type in order to live with them rather than just plain eliminate them.

This weekend I was miserable with self animosity over procrastination and fear, suffering mad headaches and stomach issues; then I came across the works of Epictetus and they changed my entire perspective on how to approach these issues. After reading these I turned on the TV to see Dr. Strange was on just at the point where the Ancient one says 'no one ever eliminates their demons, we simply learn to live above them'.

Long term I think it's true that we can reconcile with our fears and traumas and thereby in effect permanently removing how they compel us to do things we don't really want to do, for now it suffices to learn the skills of side stepping them.

I've procrastinated massively and now I've found that at my presentation I'm going to be assessed for a promotion as well - so no pressure. I don't have time now to prepare anything impressive, but that's not now the goal, the goal is to ingrain this new perspective as a foundation for the rest of my life.

[Shannon]

To be true, that quote should say:

"No one ever eliminates their demons without understanding how, we simply learn to live above them until we understand how to."

[Darwinn]

To be true, that quote should say:

"No one ever eliminates their demons without understanding how, we simply learn to live above them until we understand how to."

You would know dear Ancient one *reverent bow*

So my appetite has disappeared - stark contrast to the over eating, I don't really want to eat now and am reacting terribly to shitty food, I guess this is the Detox? or just happenstance.

I've been going through high levels of anxiety but weirdly I'm too angry about the anxiety to care about it I'm tired of being pushed around by the flippant and nonsensical fears of my own mind, I'm working on putting it in its place.

[Darwinn]

So I got through the presentation great but bombed on questions. I was just too anxious to think clearly. Also I simply didn't know the answers - suffice it to say I didn't get the promotion. I'm so distraught and pained by this.

Not really I was very slightly disappointed but MLS had me in pure analytical mode about what the learning points were. I feel much more certain about what to do for next time, and for once feel grateful for the experience rather than miserable thinking about how shitty I am. WIN.

In other news I'm getting stares and IOIs all over the place and seeing hotter women around me than ever - DMSI blooming in the background. It's fun to see but of no interest to me now. Things with my lady are going from strength to strength, and I am en route to be a world leading master.

Now the big question - of master of what?