Darwin’s Journal

[Griffin]

hey man, I am on MHS too and have ADD too.
I am actively working on my ADD now and I too have the feeling that it pisses me off. when someone tells me what to do. especially my mother for some reason...
I am actually running this sub primarily because of reports of mental clarity because this was not the case on DMSI,
but i do notice that i can get my point across better and my looking for words is less there.
if you have the time, could you tell me how you handled ADD from super add as you call it to where you are now? it might help me going forward,

[Darwinn]

Hey. I can't really give you a recipe for handling weak attention and cognitive issues but I can give you my personal experience. Paradoxically whilst I am diagnosed with (inattentive) ADHD/ADD and i use that term i don't necessarily believe in it as i think ADD has been more a function of poor routine combined with lacking the emotional underpinning to support a good one.

There are a few things which i think support good cognitive function and attention (really nothing to be surprised about in these but here it is as it is requested).
- Good sleep
- Relaxation, and by this i mean real relaxation where you're able to go offline/let go of everything
- Regular exercise
- Clean diet; no processed food whatsoever, no sugar
- Self appreciation/love/validation

Things which kill attention/cognitive function for me are the opposite of the above, with the addition of PMO and alcohol/drugs which turn me into a spaz so i stay away. The unfortunate thing about these is that all feed into each other in a kind of feedback loop and so it's easy to spiral downward.

An example for me in the past would be; I would blank out/look stupid in a meeting or in performing a task. I'd be driven by shame and anger to push through work harder and burn myself out. Working late i'd start smoking to 'calm myself down' and take a break, drink coffee to keep me going, sleep less because of stress and often eat quick high carb food (typically late at night). These resulted in further burn out, more shame, and more of the same until I'd basically hang it all up and go lie on a beach for a week, being miserable.

LTU and having a solid girlfriend helped a lot simply because it would interrupt this pattern at the shame stage. So instead of reacting with upset, I could be more self supportive, i'd be able to say 'i need to take action to support myself because this isn't working'. On LTU, shame, and self hatred gets shot down, in fact the more you self loathe, the more you give yourself permission to be good to yourself!

From there i could go home, do some meditation or yoga, head to the gym, enjoy laughing with my gf/friends, avoid coffee knowing i want to sleep on time that evening, get a good nights sleep and actually go for work the next day and smash it!. From there i could spiral up, more gym, more good sleep and relaxation, healthy food, and once again SMASH IT. I got a little lazy toward the end with LTU and it was less good gym and healthy food and more relaxation and fun but you get the idea.

So if i could recommend anything i would say having the right emotional foundation is the most important and that will come (in my opinion) from subs like EHPRA LTU and AM6 (though AM6 was too dark for me to have the sort of positive self image that would support better attention, but that is just me).

I don't know about DMSI so i can't comment on how it affects you emotionally - it sounds like it has a certain amount of emotional healing in it, one of the other guys will comment better on this.

I've not read many of your posts but from one other post i've read of yours, you sound pretty hard on yourself, as often happens with things like weaker cognition/attention (i may be wrong, i'm just going on one post). If you are then i get it, and outside of subs, I would practice some form of relaxation technique to start with. Again this is just my own experience talking, what may work for you might be something different. You can look into different methods, but i've found yoga and meditation to be of great benefit in this regard. I think MHS will help with brain function, i'm not sure how it will deal with what i believe is the core driver of ADD which is anxiety and shame driven poor routines.

If you want i can PM you some relaxation techniques i've found useful.

[Chris P. Bacon]

I would like to add my comment here. You can discard it if it does not make sense.

I feel like MHS is bringing ADD/ADHD to your attention because it is a self-imposed limitation that you believe, OR it is something that has been prevented from being healed by MHS because your beliefs give it a physical manifestation.

I'm not sure what ADD/ADHD is technically and I've heard many opinions on it, because I was told I have it as well, but I'm not sure I actually do. Anywho, I feel like you can let go of that limitation on yourself to heal physically and be the best version of yourself, physically that you can be.

I hope that helps.

[Darwinn]

Feeling infinitely better after sleeping properly. If there is one tip I can give for this sub is don't ease up on sleep! I think healing is coming through on a number of levels. There is work going on at an emotional level, in journaling where I dialogue with myself in order to see what's going on, I'm finding more clarity in the many ways I subvert my own health.

Absolutely convinced internally that I need to do BAMM, so am starting to save for this right this moment!

[JackOfHearts]

Yeah sleep is mandatory with subs, I missed some sleep 2 days ago and I regretted that deeply, I was tired and more angry with everything, I couldn't even sleep properly the day after because I was irritated.

[Griffin]

Hey. I can't really give you a recipe for handling weak attention and cognitive issues but I can give you my personal experience. Paradoxically whilst I am diagnosed with (inattentive) ADHD/ADD and i use that term i don't necessarily believe in it as i think ADD has been more a function of poor routine combined with lacking the emotional underpinning to support a good one.

There are a few things which i think support good cognitive function and attention (really nothing to be surprised about in these but here it is as it is requested).
- Good sleep
- Relaxation, and by this i mean real relaxation where you're able to go offline/let go of everything
- Regular exercise
- Clean diet; no processed food whatsoever, no sugar
- Self appreciation/love/validation

Things which kill attention/cognitive function for me are the opposite of the above, with the addition of PMO and alcohol/drugs which turn me into a spaz so i stay away. The unfortunate thing about these is that all feed into each other in a kind of feedback loop and so it's easy to spiral downward.

An example for me in the past would be; I would blank out/look stupid in a meeting or in performing a task. I'd be driven by shame and anger to push through work harder and burn myself out. Working late i'd start smoking to 'calm myself down' and take a break, drink coffee to keep me going, sleep less because of stress and often eat quick high carb food (typically late at night). These resulted in further burn out, more shame, and more of the same until I'd basically hang it all up and go lie on a beach for a week, being miserable.

LTU and having a solid girlfriend helped a lot simply because it would interrupt this pattern at the shame stage. So instead of reacting with upset, I could be more self supportive, i'd be able to say 'i need to take action to support myself because this isn't working'. On LTU, shame, and self hatred gets shot down, in fact the more you self loathe, the more you give yourself permission to be good to yourself!

From there i could go home, do some meditation or yoga, head to the gym, enjoy laughing with my gf/friends, avoid coffee knowing i want to sleep on time that evening, get a good nights sleep and actually go for work the next day and smash it!. From there i could spiral up, more gym, more good sleep and relaxation, healthy food, and once again SMASH IT. I got a little lazy toward the end with LTU and it was less good gym and healthy food and more relaxation and fun but you get the idea.

So if i could recommend anything i would say having the right emotional foundation is the most important and that will come (in my opinion) from subs like EHPRA LTU and AM6 (though AM6 was too dark for me to have the sort of positive self image that would support better attention, but that is just me).

I don't know about DMSI so i can't comment on how it affects you emotionally - it sounds like it has a certain amount of emotional healing in it, one of the other guys will comment better on this.

I've not read many of your posts but from one other post i've read of yours, you sound pretty hard on yourself, as often happens with things like weaker cognition/attention (i may be wrong, i'm just going on one post). If you are then i get it, and outside of subs, I would practice some form of relaxation technique to start with. Again this is just my own experience talking, what may work for you might be something different. You can look into different methods, but i've found yoga and meditation to be of great benefit in this regard. I think MHS will help with brain function, i'm not sure how it will deal with what i believe is the core driver of ADD which is anxiety and shame driven poor routines.

If you want i can PM you some relaxation techniques i've found useful.

thanks for your post man!

im doing all the things you mentioned already except the regular exercise, i do it very irregularly right now because of poor planning.
i am however starting a new schedule which should work better.
by actively working on my ADD i mean that i have become more aware of my symptoms and habits since starting subs last year, i have run ASC, EPHRA 2, all the healing DMSI and now MHS.
with all the healing subs i now accept fully that i have ADD but want to heal this problem area in my life.

also your theory on the core driver of ADD, i thought that too for a long time but i saw some now research lately about the physical difference in the brain.
http://thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/art...4/fulltext
but i also think that for some people it might also be just anxious and have fear based and shame-driven poor routine.
i had a lot of this before subs, and my ADD is definitely better but just the planning and procrastination are a problem now.
but im working trying hard right now to beat these.

i don't know what post you read, but you made me curious which one.
but i don't consider myself being hard on myself, i love life at the moment and enjoy almost every moment.

thanks for your insight! i don't know a lot of people with ADD especially

[Darwinn]

I missed yesterday, It's clear I'm resisting the shit out of this. I'm much more than bipolar, I'm like quadripolar at least - going from feeling amazing to feeling like crying, from feeling mentally strong and healthy, to being a bumbling, forgetful and achey moron.

Whatever I'm just going to do this sub until I'm either healed or my head explodes and my ass falls out.

Screw it.

[Darwinn]

I kept going back to smoking which I guess was resistance because in LTU I'd ceased any desire (yes I know I was not supposed to), but that's passed for now and my desire to do it has ceased. About 4 days ago I was getting a lot of pain in my neck which hurt when I would swallow or chew - now this has all but disappeared.

The tiredness and spaceyness still comes and goes. AND MAN, am I hot. It's actually quite cold where I am, and I'm filled with radiant heat.

[Darwinn]

So I don't even necessarily feel like I need to heal anything now I've been good for a while health wise. My throat and lungs which were hurting are now fine. My neck so better and not aching anymore. A few times I've been on the verge of getting a cold which just disappeared - everyone around me has either a cold or some ailment which they're complaining about but thankfully I've been immune. I'm really keen pushing forward in grounding the self acceptance I so need. Not sure if I will do this by either going back to LTU, or maybe even just waiting for MLS 5.5g and continuing on for a bit outside of subs.

[Darwinn]

I'm sitting in a Cafe reflecting on a week and a half of DMSI. I didn't really want to make a DMSI journal, since it was curiousity which drew me in rather than a strong desire for the goals. That being said , the healing in this mofo is bringing up some serious shit.

Before that though some of the positives;
- GF is unrecognisably open and up for it , she was before but this is many levels above what was before. She's also enjoying sex on a whole new level.
- work colleagues are much more easy going with me, chatty and banterous.
- reconnecting with ambition , wanting to achieve the goals I had in AM6
Some of the neutrals
- Warmth / heat emanating from me randomly
- increased desire to reconnect with random girls and friends from the past , seem to be creating the conditions for hooking up fthough I'm not actually interested in pursuing anything with girls apart from my girl)
Negatives (though you could look at them as positives)
- extreme discontent with my physical state and financial status. I earn a good amount by most standards but it just doesn't seem good enough, I also feel like I could and should be so much fitter!
- pissed off and ready to fight , really not willing to take shit from people or be the calm guy , people start pushing my buttons and I back them down - I don't know that I'm proud of this or happy about it, but what ever
- no extraordinary response from women apart from the odd middle aged woman staring at me in my eyes like they're going to punch me.


Anyway I'm sitting in a cafe now waiting for my gf and a guy is opposite me, middle aged , thinning hair , overweight and writing his goals in a journal. I have immense respect to anyone who pursues their dreams , whatever their age but the way this man has written his goals reminds me of me and how I currently wrote goals but don't follow through - and the terrifying thought has arisen (this dove tails with the sentiment DMSI clearing seems to be awakening) that desire and flow isn't enough, you have to do the right things, and you gotta do the necessary grind with focus, otherwise you could be sitting there hoping for and writing down the same goad 1 years from now having got nowhere.

Basically focus and hustle is the order of the day.

[Darwinn]

Woke up early with motivation to get up, can't remember the last time this ever happened. Been desperate to go to the gym today - something I've been avoiding since I've not wanted to face how far I've slipped from having a respectable gym routine and pushing a respectable level of weight to feeling like a gym noob again.

I said I'm feeling much more aggressive - well going to the gym was a good reality check since the guys there could meet mere aggression with real force. My gym is uniquely filled with east Europeans and Russians who are huge, intimidating, gym obsessed and, well from what I've always thought, not kindly disposed to darker skinned folk such as myself. When I used to go to this gym before I had a trainer who was hyper alpha and kind of intimidated people off of machines, and when I've been alone guys have attempted that with me. This time was a totally different experience , guys were actually being polite, almost humble. Only one data point though so can't say this is the status quo now because of DMSI.

[Darwinn]

Feeling no anxiety about work, no fear bout how I look stupid and shitty which is my normal MO. woke up this morning with the strong realisation that instead of worrying about what people will give or take away from me in terms of validation, approval, I can say f that and focus on what I want to bring to the table in this existence before I croak - worrying about anything else seem totally useless.

[Darwinn]

Not much to report except really bad physical reactions , headache, throat etc. And extreme procrastination - taking the day to just chill and reflect on what the f I'm doing.

It's the first time I've thought like this or articulated it like this but this is what's coming out as I sit to write my experiences. DMSI is going through my past and looking at all the times I missed opportunities and giving me some urgency, it's also untying emotional knots while doing this, so whilst i feel bolder about taking action it's not coming from a place of self hatred when normally that's where movement would come from.

It seems to have resolved that attitude problem that comes with being self forgiving , now I'm not hating myself, but also I maintain the aversion to paying the cost of being complacent.

[Darwinn]

At the same time as that, confusingly I can't seem to see the significance in even doing anything. I mean, For what? I don't care about being more alpha, the attention of women and improving ease of things as I grow is nice but what the hell is the end game. I have no vision right now of what's truly valuable.