DMSI journal

[Omni3]

Reminds me of The Four Yorkshiremen

https://youtu.be/VKHFZBUTA4k

[THolt]

Back in my day I had listen to the same sub for nearly four years (BAMM 2.0) is every day while walking to school barefoot and fighting coyotes and hyenas.

[Benjamin]

You win Tholt, i've only listened to a program for a year and there was luckily no coyotes and hyenas!

[whome]

Day 1 (of DMSI 3.3.1)

8 loops.

Last night I has the ultrasonic play for 5 loops while I slept. The phone was sideways, and I think it has stereo speakers (iPhone Xs) but I can't vouch for their quality for ultrasonic. At least I was able to sleep without earplugs.

I slept poorly. For the past few days I've been tired but waking up and snapping to, but this morning was rough. The reason I'm planning in general to do three hours while sleeping and five while awake is that I seem much more able to handle DMSI while awake while it's rough on my sleep, but today I know I won't have a ton of time at work, so I reversed them.

On the subway today I noticed some attractive women. At first, my mind was wondering about what it would be like to have them attracted to me. Then there was this fear; what if they were? There was a scary aspect to it, though I can't name the fear that came up.

I'm about half-way through the remaining three hours now. I'm doing it as hybrid, trickling stream. Will post if anything comes up.

[whome]

Day 2 (of DMSI 3.3.1)

The plan is for me to be super busy running around today, so last night I decided to run all 8 loops as ultrasonic on my iPhone while I slept. I started the loops and then turned off the light, and noted as I was falling asleep that I was feeling intensely sad, like being covered in a weight.

I slept restlessly, feeling unsettled overnight. I woke tired (kind of as usual) with bubbling grief.

I'm heading out to start the day and to start ticking off of the TODO list that I have. I'll post if anything else comes up.

[whome]

Day 3 of DMSI 3.3.1

Another busy day, so I did all 8 loops ultrasonically while I slept. I slept tired, sad, and unsettled, and felt particularly moody, grief-stricken, and tired all day.

[whome]

Day 4, DMSI 3.3.1

I woke up, and while I'm a bit tired, I'm not emotionally shot like I was for the last two days. OTOH, the last two days I did 8 loops of ultrasonic while I slept, while today I only did 5 (and I'll do the last three loops during the day). Maybe having a bit of recovery time at the end of sleep helps? Maybe I'm just getting used to it?

[Shannon]

Or maybe you broke ASRB?

[whome]

I suppose so. My rationale was that the alarm was going to go off before the 8 loops were over and I didn't know what the effect of having the alarm go off on the same iPhone that was doing the playback, how the playback would continue, or whatever, so I did 5 loops and will be doing three more today.

In general, is it preferable to get 8 in back-to-back even though it's not a great ultrasonic speaker, rather than separate it but get some of the loops listened on a high-quality headset?

[Shannon]

It is preferable to never break ASRB if you can help it.

[whome]

OK then. The new plan is then to do all 8 loops ultrasonically overnight.

Meanwhile...

In my somatic work, I've found that whenever I feel good from sexual arousal and desire, I feel grief and pain at the same time. It's always seemed nameless, but this morning I realized what seems to an explanation that feels right: I feel the power of my desire for the woman, and the pain is me feeling the imbalance, that I'm not desirable.

On the DMSI product page:

Goal #2: To support goal #1, we have to develop, enhance and improve your self esteem, self respect, sense of self worth, self liking, self love, self validation, self support, self confidence, self image, feelings of deservingness and overcome fear and so forth.

Does that cover creating/healing a sense of being wanted/desirable?

[Shannon]

It will seek to make whatever adjustments you need to make in order to achieve it's goals.

[whome]

Day 5 of DMSI 3.3.1

8 loops ultrasonically overnight. I woke up with a bit of a sore throat, and my left ear hurting. Emotionally I woke up completely shot, almost dead inside, with a feeling of pointlessness.

This feels along the lines of how I used to feel years ago in my depths. It is not useful for living a life that can be called functional. I thought I was done with it.

I can maybe give this another week or so for the FRM to kick in and start doing something with these emotions rather than just dredging them up, but at some point, if listening to 8 loops of DMSI means waking up this emotionally dead, for my own emotional preservation I'm going to split the loops.

[Shannon]

This is almost certainly the result of your subconscious fighting you tooth and nail on FRM. It's trying to express to your conscious mind how much it doesn't want to cooperate with FRM. It's trying to get you to stop, do anything that will set it free.

It's not that FRM isn't working... it's that it is working. It's not FRM doing things with your emotions, it's your fearful subconscious. FRM is designed to prevent you from having this happen. It's designed to make the ride smooth and comfortable for you as much as possible, consciously and subconsciously. Some part or parts of you are fighting the required changes with everything they have to be able to do this.

Seriously, this shouldn't even be possible at this point.