DMSI 3.2 Random Musings and Journalings

[Have at ye]

It's done.

Finally some rest, woohoo!

Was at a pretty nice gathering/party/whatever after today's rehearsal/performance/whatever that was (I dunno, really), and actually stayed much longer than I anticipated I'd have the strength for. There were some nice responders around, with some responding subtly, and one with shit-tests. I probably would have stayed longer were I not so tired, so I went home. Did something of a "British exit" after I got tired of having this many people around for this long a time. Now I'm home, setting up my loops, and going to rest so hard these next two days, lol.

Also, tomorrow's break day.

[Have at ye]

Continuing with ver. A, 7 loops. Thinking of raising the volume a bit for this week. I am now thinking that somehow I've come up with a behavioral jinx that somehow tries to meet all expectations that are demanded of me, but is used to the bar being constantly raised/the goals changed suddenly or the achievements being discredited or unappreciated from the outside that it has become scared of ever trying to go for anything. This also manifests itself in my outside experience of reality, with circumstances doing its damnedest to reinforce the beliefs that result in this state of affairs. Hence probably the "but I don't wanna/I can't do all this" reaction I'd sometimes get when using a higher volume of the newgen subs.

This is, most probably, developmentally conditioned. Probably the result of having an inattentive/emotionally unstable mother.

Many other things are going on on the healing front apart from the above, with various effects concordant with DMSI execution still in place. On ver. B these were much more pronounced, but I think I'll stick with ver. A for the time being - perhaps until the effects I get become as pronounced on ver. A as they were on ver. B.

I am having many weird dreams (fortunately no more dreams that'd put David Lynch to shame, lol), also concordant with healing. Had one where at the end I woke up scared of what was happening in the dream. But there is progress.

Also, I'm noticing the need for more sleep on ver. A than on ver. B. This can also be reinforced by the workathon I had these past two months.

[Have at ye]

Lol, I've raised the volume "a bit" - from -40db to 0db, as per Foobar's indicators. I'm now somewhat angry in a good way, and am noticing that I'm attempting to execute The Wall scripting (I remember having done so several months back when using ver. A, with good results).

[Have at ye]

Keeping at it with 7 loops ver. A at the volume mentioned above. I do believe it is working its way through anything untoward. It was a bit rough for a day or two there, one I've increased the number of loops to 7, mostly wounds in my heart (I actually have not thought there's so many of those, and that they're this deep. Oh well. Gotta deal with it sooner or later, so better sooner than later, right?). The liver area seems to be fine now. Stuff going on in my feet pretty much constantly, so that'd be the "root cause" stuff, I guess - I've been making good, steady progress in this regard ever since ver. 3.2 came out.

I've pretty much spent the last four days doing jack and squat, or rather: focusing on executing the healing aspects of DMSI. What I meant by "enforcing the Wall" is consciously exerting willpower in order to block off any and all avenues of distraction in order to execute the DMSI script - it basically consists of me lying on my back and staring at the roof, while stuff is going on in my thoughts, steering my thoughts towards a "I either do this now or else I'll be lying here like a moron staring at the roof for goodness knows how long". And I know myself - I really dislike boredom. I'm doing that whenever I notice resistance-related thoughts/behaviors when I'm up and about. Otherwise I'm taking it easy for the time being - fortunately I have nearly an entire month to get this sorted, and can commit quite a bit of time and mental resources to it for now.

There's a weird thing going on: I was resisting healing certain things because: a) going through the process of healing them is unpleasant, or at least I am making it unpleasant for myself, because: b) they were being used by me to resist executing, and once the stuff gets healed there's no more point in resisting, so c) this leads to a rather illogical conundrum on the part of my subC: I know that once this stuff gets cleared, it is going to be a *non-issue* - so there will be no point in resisting anything. Thing is, though, that I'm still trying to hold on to these issues because in many cases they're the result of emotional wounds, so I'm trying to keep the wounds unhealed as a precaution in order to... get myself to avoid further wounds. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Logic goes out the window once again!

Let's keep cracking.

EDIT

Oh, BTW., I've noticed that sometimes when I'm listening to my loops of ver. A I get flooded with what feels like healing energy, all around my body. I got kinda used to the sensation now, but I still notice it from time to time. This did not occur on ver. B, nor did I notice that strong a concentration of healing energy back when I was doing one loop of ver. A.

EDIT II

I think I've got a good analogy for how the healing of them heart-wounds feels like - it's like a badly set bone getting broken again in order for it to heal properly. Like scar tissue getting dug out, in order to heal *properly* this time around, and to operate again. It's why I was at first extremely annoyed that certain things are reappearing, and then amazed at how it has to be re-set once more. It's a lot of stuff that I used to think that "I'm past all that now" until recently.

[Have at ye]

Listening to my loops for the day. Tomorrow's break day.

I've been extremely focused on resolving blockages/fears/other resistance-causing things this past week. I could feel the progress, but I was also experiencing resistance-related thoughts - for instance I was trying to convince myself that life is pointless, everything is pointless, I'm just gonna get hurt again, and things never change, blah blah blah, for a couple of days, while at the same time trying to fight it with willpower. Then, yesterday, I was lying there, thinking all that stuff, and then I found myself asking myself: "That all you got?" And the thoughts quieted down.

Today, for instance, I was feeling pretty good.

Also I'm employing some means of dissolving deep-seated fears (rule 4 means, mostly), apart from using DMSI. The process is not exactly sunshine and rainbows, as it kinda drags it all out and then releases it (so I'm physically and emotionally experiencing the fears a lot of the time, mostly through anger, sometimes with memories attached - and the thing with fear-based damage is that it sticks because you're trying to avoid similar circumstances from occurring) but it's working. I've decided that I'm done living with all that fearful baggage. I'm really tired of living with it, be it conscious or not. So I'm getting rid of it employing *any means necessary*.

And that heavy sinking feeling in my heart is dissolving. It's mostly fear, as could have been suspected, lol.

A little bit slower on the results front, obviously, but things seem to be regaining momentum somewhat. Also I need to get back to cracking at work-stuff soon.

[Have at ye]

'k, I think it's unraveling, that thing that was causing me to resist. About fucking time. I am losing patience. Not with the program, mind you, but with myself.

I had to sift through a lot of excuses, thoughts, etc. coming up (a lot of them of the good 'ol: "oy, this again!" variety, which was probably an attempt by me to try and strengthen the "different day, same 'ol shit" resistance mechanism), and then started knocking 'em away one by one by simply saying: "bullshit, bullshit, we've been through this already, bullshit", etc. Then I came to the conclusion that I'm trying to hide something from myself, that there's something I can't afford to know for some unfathomable reason. So then I decided that I choose to let myself know whatever the hell that is, because it's the only way I'm going to be able to resolve it.

[EDIT: it got censored, but what I was saying to myself was "he-cow manure" in a less circumlocutory fashion, lol]

Psychomachia all the way, lol.

On the wonky-DMSI-sensations front, the heart's feeling pretty good now, sometimes there's a heavier sensation reappering, but that's normal (I know after having dealt with the same deal with the liver before that, lol). Now it seems we're getting to work on the sacral area, especially the kidneys, and the right kidney in particular. I could start feeling wonky stuff starting to go on there yesterday.

Anyroad, I'm considering increasing the number of loops by one for next week's DMSI ver. A extravaganza. I'll see about that tomorrow - I probably will. Maybe by two, even, making it 9 loops. I'm done fucking around.

[Have at ye]

Tons of progress yesterday and today, tons of insight and new approaches to resolving resistance. Had a very productive day, too, even though I slept very little yesterday (because I was busy processing all the new stuff that was breaking through).

I'll probably write a more detailed post on what I've arrived at a later time, as I am kinda sleepy now. I was planning to do some more work still, so I'll probably do it. Perhaps the stuff I've arrived at may be of use.

For some reason I am beginning to suspect that I am "doomed" ( ) to have to learn precisely what I am doing every step of the way here. I can't complain, though - it can be *freakishly useful* in general, for whatever other stuff I might choose to do and face my own resistance towards it.

Cranking up the number of loops to 9, DMSI ver. A. Go time!

[Have at ye]

I'm really liking this program. Did I already say that? It's *nice*.

I know I've said I'd describe what I've come up with, but there's so much progress still going on that I'd have to write pages upon pages. So, to keep things short:

1. I got tired of my own whining. I'd say the so-called "Inner Child" was simply acting like a narcissistic kid, as kids are wont to do - I was attempting to give it all I could in order to have it feel better, improve itself, give it care, healing, whatevs, and in return all I got back from myself was whining. It was like a child crying for attention in any way it could, but unable - or rather, afraid - to express what it actually *needs*.

2. So I decided to approach my own bullshit the same way I'd approach anyone else's bullsiht: I told myself: "Enough. I am proceeding with this whether you like this or not. It's your choice whether you go along or not. I'm not forcing you to do anything. But I'm not stopping either. You can go along whenever you choose to do so, we've got the tools to make it all right. You just need to choose to use them. Anything you need, I'm here. But no more bullshit".

[To reinforce this intent, I increased the number of loops by two (to 9). I got symptoms of resistance-overload/headache the second day, but I knew it was simply resistance. It has passed by now. I got past it through reinforcement of Will and Intent. I did this after step 4, IIRC - I can't really tell. The progress's been kinda rapid]

3. Afterwards, I decided it is time to, well, become my own father figure. Especially for the Inner Kid parts of myself. Now I am the guide, the advisor, the father - I'm assuming direct control.

4. Sometime later, I noticed that first I was guiding the resistant parts of myself in a fatherly kind of way (a "no-bullshit-yet-understanding" approach, like above), and then I've noticed that I'm also actively trying to *seduce* the resistant part to join in on the fun.

5. I promised myself that I will not judge, guilt or shame myself in any way.

6. Soon after, I got the info on what it was I was trying to hide from myself. No wonder I did not want to admit that, because it's very, erm, how shall I put it - FreudJungian. Or whatevs. Anyroad, the particulars are nobody's business.

7. Upon receiving that information, I have told myself: well, okay. I understand, I'm not judging, I get it. Anything you need - all the power of the tools at my disposal (DMSI being the foremost among them) - we can use it to get you what you need. Are you in?

8. Yup.

Also, yesterday I've come to the conclusion that it's time to, in philosophical terms (otherwise it'd be a loooooong story) harness the will-to-live (the basic survival instinct, as in Schopenhauer) and turn it into the will-to-power (the survival instinct-based drive towards, let's say, greatness, significance, whatevs - as doing so gives one, technically speaking, much greater chances of survival in the end - as in Nietzsche).

Today, I met with the girl I've mentioned who wanted to meet up with me for doing linguistic work for her (for which she has already paid potato). I've never met her in person, mind you - yet she did give me a bottle of expensive whiskey, with a 50 EUR (that's, I dunno, 80 bucks or so?) note attached to it, then she paid for my coffee and wanted to hang out. She was curious whether I have a girlfriend, as she was not sure from our Internet interactions. She was definitely responding to DMSI (legs crossed with hand in-between and shaking, checking my out every now and again when she thought I wouldn't see, giving me hugs, etc., and *blatantly* checking me out top-to-bottom as we were saying goodbye, and such) - even though I'd say she's a 7, I find her attractive and fun and smart, the convo was uber-smooth, and something tells me having sex with her would be a very pleasant experience. Also, as we were saying goodbye, she was honestly asking whether all the stuff she's given me, totally unbidden to do so, was enough for "everything I've done for her" (which is like, lol? I helped her edit some stuff she wrote in English, for monies).

Also, she's signed up to be my linguistic consultant for the fem-porn novel I'm working on. Told ya it'd make for a good pick-up line.

I'll hear from her soonish, I bet. She lives abroad, but visits my city every now and again.

Did I say already I like this program? I do.

Also, got to chatting today with this lovely 10 I know on messenger. She asked whether she could borrow my electric piano - the deal's off, as it's too bulky for her needs - a keyboard would suit her better - BUT, she did inquire what's up, I told her of the fem-porn novel (told ya it's a great pick up line), blah blah blah, she invited me to come see her tomorrow at some location she'll be at (not her home) because she really wants to lend me this book she's been reading. I've known this girl for quite some time - we've always been friendly (she's a close friend of my ex's - or at least my ex would really want her to be a very close friend of hers. The ex has always been definitely romantically and sexually attracted to this woman), and would chat in a "what's up" kind of way through the Internets every now and again, but she's never before, out of the blue, set up a meeting like this, totally off-hand. While also providing me with her phone number unbidden.

I really like this program.

Besides, I'm now 99% certain that deisgnee "sweet little aristocrat" is a manifestation, and heck of a one at that (given the circumstances of how she's suddenly appeared). I am now certain that I can afford to be patient (to which she kinda, um, dared me. Pretty much in a "I always get what I want, and I am a very patient woman" way, to which my response pretty much amounted to, "well, let's how patient you *really* are", lol), and all's good as long as I keep executing the script. The mutual attraction is *fierce*, pretty much palpable, and can definitely be perceived by others (especially women) when we're in each other's presence. So, yeah. Good goin'.

The emotional turmoil I experienced upon meeting her, and deciding to give in to her seduction, was based in the fact of previous experiences with this particular type of woman (I'm not saying they're identical, mind you - just saying there's obvious similarities, and my subC instantly made the connection) which ended... badly. For both sides. Mostly because we were both young (I think, 19?), foolish, scared, and also shy-and-awkward in a boy-meets-girl-and-WTFISGOINON type of deal, and both had issues which would require resolution in order for the whole thing to *work*. This needed to get dealt with yet again, properly this time. One thing for sure - I have definitely not made the same mistakes this time around.

Woo, long post! Kudos to anyone who's read it in its entirety.

[Have at ye]

Today's (and yesterday's, I guess) healing related conclusion:

I now refuse to be played, or gamed. I've had enough.

Anyone wants something from me, they'll have to be forthcoming and straight with me. Wanna get to know each other? I see no reason not to. Wanna be friends? Sure, if you're cool, etc. Wanna have sex? Certainly, why not. Want to show me off before your friends to gloat? Certainly, I'm up for all sorts of shanenigans, why not. Want something more? Let's talk, and work something out, we just might want the same thing.

Wanna work me, play me, or game me? Suit yourself, but I refuse to engage. Wanna persist? You're gonna give me a walkover, sooner or later. Because we're either doing it the right way - the honest way - or my way.

And my way includes you coming to me on all fours. That's what you get for trying to play me. It's either that or adios.

Heh. Women. I seriously feel right now like I've developed the masculine equivalent of a "bitch shield". It's what getting gamed by 5-6 relentless females at the same time results in.

"Welcome to the world of being extremely sexually attractive, Have at ye!", I guess.

Lol.

[SargeMaximus]

I don’t think bitterness is sexually attractive...

[Have at ye]

I don’t think bitterness is sexually attractive...

Your opinion is irrelevant.

Also, I'm not bitter, I just refuse to take it lying down. There's a difference.

Technically speaking, I do not mind being pursued, I just dislike being gamed in the process.

Besides - you let someone play you once, they're gonna think they can get away with it (because, apparently, you're showing them that whatever they're doing is working). It's why I at first thought what I've been experiencing lately is "shit-test like" behavior - the girls were actually trying to game me.

Sooner or later, if they really do want something, they'll have no other recourse than be direct about it, lol. How I will respond will depend on how much bullshit, and what exact type of bullshit, I got slung with by each.

[Have at ye]

Also - note to myself - today's break day (Monday). I nearly forgot, but fortunately some part of me reminded me that it is so while I was listening to my loops yesterday. Heh. Otherwise, I've been so caught up in all the stuff going on internally that I probably would have forgotten and kept running the thing with no break.

[Benjamin]

So he posts something positive in his mindset, and you come on and post this bs to try to tear him down Sarge?

We've all had enough of all this bs you continually bring, and you've gone long enough without a warning for unneccesarily tearing people down and starting stupid arguments over barely anything. I know i'm not the only one who's sick of this, so you now have a proper warning on your account.

[Have at ye]

So, something told me to try the OceanSurf/Silent Hybrid (.flac) track this week, at a volume of what foobar says is -10db, 9 loops, high-end headphones. Gonna stick to 9 loops at least until the end of the month.

This weekly run started on Tuesday, so that I don't forget, lol.

First indicators are promising. Progress is definitely being made, I can see it in my mindset, reactions to when resistance pops-up, regularity and ease of workouts (which I've been using also to improve my ability to override subconscious resistance to effort etc. with willpower) and many other things.

Continuing.