Clearing the Foundation- Aventus's OF v3 Journal

[Aventus45]

Do you think you got anything out of it at all?  That sounds like it may just be like listening to static: nothing happening.

I think I am still able to process the hybrid track, It was more so of the source of where I am playing it may have played a factor in how I responded.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 7/36

Day 1/4 (31 days in)
1 loop hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

I had a rather rough dream that hit me really deep where it shook me awake while not letting me fall back to sleep. It was a dream where I essentially fought a war of attrition where I lost everyone I held important, from people who turned into shadowy creatures and from people sneaking around and lying to get whatever they wanted. I was reacting to things around me and kept losing people. When I lost everyone in the nightmare, I became stone cold and fearless, often being the person who stuck first rather than being the person who reacted to what is happening around them. 

I woke up late at night and struggled to fall back to sleep. It is working on something huge, I'm not quite sure what it is but it's not giving up without a fight. I decided to decrease the number of rest days to nail down the number of rest days that work for me.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 11/36
Day 1/4 (43 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

[Aventus45]

Cycle 11/36
Day 2/4 (44 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off


It feels like the sub just ripped some kind of bandaid off. My mind is going through the realization that I am using ignorance and avoidance to hide from doing, learning how to, or realizing that I was already doing the things I was afraid of doing. My automatic reaction to feign ignorance was largely based on fear and upon realizing it, hit me like a brick wall of emotions. I wasn't having a panic attack but the emotions have the same flavor. 

[Aventus45]

Shannon mentioned in another journal that depression can be a sign of something being worked on, it sort explains how I am feeling.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 13/36
Day 3/4 (53 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

It feels like the sub overcame something as I ran it last night. In my first loop, I felt like crying. It's a small urge and it wasn't overwhelming. After that, It felt like I was allowing myself to feel the feelings of falling in love and feeling head over heels for someone. Its strong progress as I experienced enough events that I developed a fear of allowing myself to fall in love and feel those feelings as it led to a variety of traumatic outcomes and me hurting the people I am head over heels for.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 15/36
Day 2/4 (60 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

Noticed that I broke through a mental sticking point within weight training as I was afraid of getting hurt with a specific lift and it felt like I mentally limited myself in the past to not go past a certain point. Every time I tried to go past it, it causes too much mental fatigue and I shortly quit right after. This time it is different, there wasn't any mental fatigue besides regular exercise and I felt more motivated rather than losing motivation after making the lift.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 16/36
Day 3/4 (65 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

I suddenly reached a peak of a conflict of my own fear of not being enough and literally feel the conflict between my old states of belief and whatever is challenging it. The old belief is me, as a 23-year-old dude in one of the most diverse and active cities in the world, has nothing of value to provide to a woman my age, who has literally everyone her age to 10-20 years older than her to choose from. How the hell do I measure up compared to someone who throws status and power around? Fear and hopelessness are the result of this belief and something is challenging this belief is causing a huge resistance within me. what I'm thinking is another cycle of OF may help tip the scales. 

[tolgaocal80]

Cycle 16/36
Day 3/4 (65 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

I suddenly reached a peak of a conflict of my own fear of not being enough and literally feel the conflict between my old states of belief and whatever is challenging it. The old belief is me, as a 23-year-old dude in one of the most diverse and active cities in the world, has nothing of value to provide to a woman my age, who has literally everyone her age to 10-20 years older than her to choose from. How the hell do I measure up compared to someone who throws status and power around? Fear and hopelessness are the result of this belief and something is challenging this belief is causing a huge resistance within me. what I'm thinking is another cycle of OF may help tip the scales. 

hey Aventus, bro I damn feel you.

I totally agree with you, but you are missing something, you don't know what da fuck they were doing when they were at 23, right?
Most of them probably were exactly like us(me too was thinking about this), thinking about their weakness and they were desperate about not being good enough ?

Most of girls around 18-25 are fucking with much older guys like 30-35. They are doing this because, girls have their most SMV at 20-25 years old. and once they reached 30, their SMV starting to drop significiantly, so they becaming some kind of sexual exercise object for younger guys.

But generally, mens SMV is at the peak at 30-40 years old, because as you say they are now able to throw status and power around, so they can fuck a 20 y.o girl or 25.

Think about it, you are improving constantly using this subs and other kind of self-development stuffs at the age of 23, do you think you will not be better than them(or at least same) when you arrive 30 or 35? There is no way.
Of course it is better to start socializing and fuckng girls right now and contuniously growing to a higher value man, but you know mens SMV interval differs from women.


and a provider is a "beta male", you don't have to provide anything to girls, they already have everything from their parents or their ownselves.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 17/36
Day 2/4 (68 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

Finally picked up the camera again, after nearly a year of putting it off( only used it once in a few months picking it up out of nostalgia), I finally felt something of a budding passion and desire for it again. before the pandemic, I used the camera and photoshoots as a way to escape my other obligations out of fear such as finding a better job, forming a career, etc. After addressing that throughout the pandemic it felt like I lost the drive of the hobby as I resolved the emotional drive to escape. 

Now I sense the passion is coming back and I have been slowly cultivating it recently.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 16/36
Day 3/4 (65 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 2 days on 2 days off

I suddenly reached a peak of a conflict of my own fear of not being enough and literally feel the conflict between my old states of belief and whatever is challenging it. The old belief is me, as a 23-year-old dude in one of the most diverse and active cities in the world, has nothing of value to provide to a woman my age, who has literally everyone her age to 10-20 years older than her to choose from. How the hell do I measure up compared to someone who throws status and power around? Fear and hopelessness are the result of this belief and something is challenging this belief is causing a huge resistance within me. what I'm thinking is another cycle of OF may help tip the scales. 

hey Aventus, bro I damn feel you.

I totally agree to you, but you are missing something, you don't know what da fuck they were doing when they were at 23, right?
Most of them probably were exactly like us(me too was thinking about this), thinking about their weakness and they were desperate about not being good enugh ?

Most of girls around 18-25 are fucking with much older guys like 30-35. They were doing this because, girls have their most SMV at 20-25 years old. and once they reached 30, their SMV starting to drop significiantly, so they becaming some kind of sexual exercise object for younger guys.

But generally, mens SMV is at the peak at 25-40 years old, because as you say they are now able to throw status and power around, so they can fuck a 20 y.o girl or 25.

Think about it, you are improving constantly using this subs and other kind of self-development stuffs at the age of 23, do you think you will not be better than them(or at least same) when you arrive 30 or 35? There is no way.

I knew about the dynamic for a while now and it has essentially allowed me to plan for the long term on how I want to approach( especially with subs and thats why i thought about it in phases). It wasn't like that in the past. as I just felt hopeless in the end and gave up. Now, my perspective is changing and while I still believe that the dynamic is there, I definitely more hopeful compared to how I was in the past.

I have known guys who reached their peak or reaching their peak and have not resolved their own demons, so while their successful with women, their demons end up blowing up the relationship and breaking everything. I'm plan is to resolve that shit early and start building myself up more.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 19/45
Day 1/4 (75 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 3 days on 1 day off

My mind told me to increase the number of days on in the middle of the previous cycle. With the additional day on, it allowed my mind to dig deeper into a fear of mine which is the fear of getting hurt by infidelity. I have had different experiences with cheating as I was a person who was cheated on and I was that guy that was with a woman in a relationship. These experiences soured my view of relationships and sort of instilled fear and shame in me where I am afraid of being cheated on due to karma and previous experience. Besides that fear, There are a number of fears that are being excavated out but I'm not sure what it is.

Got back on my diet now but with the goal to lose weight and/or recomp. I feel like there may be some kind of fear of change or fear of experiencing other people's reactions or my own reactions to the changes if I really dedicate my time to change how my body looks.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 19/45
Day 4/4 (75 days in)
2 loops hybrid trickling stream 3 days on 1 day off

 Had a hangout with a friend of mine who headed towards the strange. She was being really flirty while talking about sexual things literally in front of patrons at a bar. It honestly made me pretty uncomfortable as I haven't seen her in a sexual way in a long time, but for some reason, my hesitation to flirt back has dissolved. No idea if DMSI is in the works but it could be TID or a one-off experience.

[Aventus45]

Cycle 26
Day 3/4 (94 days in) 
3 loops hybrid 3 days on 1 day off

Looks like I’m halfway through the program

-had a huge physical tightness when I woke up at the start of the cycle and i had a hunch to increase the loops to 3 and it seems to have alleviated it.

-my sister was talking to me at the start of the loop about financial freedom and the freedom from financial debt. It sparked a ton of fear that i can’t label. It feels like a walk that’s preventing me from even considering it is possible. Sounds like UMS may be my next sub despite also wanting to run the AM+SM

-been trying to cultivate my inner child and allowing myself to feel emotions such as love and trying to actively decouple the association of falling in love with hurting people and myself. Due to past traumas making me associate it together.

-at the start of this cycle and the past cycle, it feels like I’m losing my mind. I haven’t been myself so to speak. I feel like I’m lost and regressing as I’m noticing I’m revisiting old interests in highschool and falling back to being a bit of a recluse.

Edit:
-porn use use is noticeably infrequent now.