Building a Nice Life- Aventus's LTU v6 Journal

[Aventus45]

Looks like I got the job, this would be the first real job towards a career so I’m pretty hyped in a sense. Talk about a life tune up for real.

[RTBoss]

Looks like I got the job, this would be the first real job towards a career so I’m pretty hyped in a sense. Talk about a life tune up for real.

Congrats, dude!  When do you start?

[Aventus45]

Looks like I got the job, this would be the first real job towards a career so I’m pretty hyped in a sense. Talk about a life tune up for real.

Congrats, dude!  When do you start?

I start next month.

[Aventus45]

Stage 3 
Cycle 4/4
Day 4/8 

Again with the weird dreams, had a dream where people were avoiding me like I had some kind of disease. it reminds me of when I had my psilocybin trip and where my skin was warping into something ugly and represented the intense self-hatred I had. The sub might be helping me in dealing with this as it was one of the programs in it. 

Woke up today feeling really happy though, as it was like a massive weight was off my shoulders. it is my last day in this old job and I'm immensely looking forward to finishing this out and having a week to myself before I start my new position. The room renovation is still in progress but I'm kicking it off the next week in my free time. Looking to go for a more minimal look and Marie Kando it for my mental health. If I'm stuck in my room for work as the pandemic continues to rage on, I might as well make it look good. 

My mind this morning was looking into what program I would want to run after finish LTU, at first I wanted to run AM6 refresher and get on to SM3 finally but now I'm really considering OF v2 and bang out nearly a year of it. Something inside of me wants to run the former because of the fear of losing out on such experiences in my life as and that is a fear response. I could potentially use OF v2 to deal with the fear and anything else and provide me with a cleaner slate for any other sub and for life in general. Im still young and there's still time for anything.

One of the things I realized is because of my upbringing i have this huge subconscious habit of comparing myself to others and how they are doing relative to mine and it is a terrible habit as it diminishes what i have done and makes me think worse of myself. I accomplished a bunch of things now and have changed the trajectory of my life through the pandemic and I intend to keep developing my own self and clearing my own slate of any toxic and old beliefs.

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 1/4
Day 0/7

Stage 3 Recap

Stage 3 started by digging into the deeper issues that plagued my self-esteem and by the end of the stage I noticed that my self-steem has improved noticeably. I feel more sure of myself.

I feel generally a little bit happier especially after I got out of my former job and i think the sub manifested a job that moves me forward towards a career. 

I noticed that my emotional walls are lowering and allowing myself to feel emotions again. As i was cleaning my room, I found a note from one of my close friends that showed a ton of appreciation for me and our relationship. I felt a huge wave of emotions and actually teared up and allowed myself to feel more of those emotions. This made me realize just how far i have come since august, where i made it a point to improve my life and LTU has accelerated that as well as highlight the positive qualities that I have.

My room renovation forced me to not be able to use Stage 4 for a day so i will start the stage today. I hope it doesn't change anything too much but i will add an extra two days just in case.

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 1/4 
Day 2/8

I woke up feeling the need to run OF v2 and I plan on doing so when I finish LTU v6.

Just trying to get past the initial drain of energy and a little bit of grogginess from using a new stage. i Feel some parts of my guilt I felt in the earlier stages dissolve.

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 1/4 
Day 4/8

Started my first day at the new job and I feel like I'm carrying over some anxiety and fear from my last one. Now I feel afraid of making mistakes in my job. It's an irrational fear and I know it's my first day but fear isn't based on logic. 

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 2/4 
Day 3/8

Had a dream where all these little monsters that look like Typhon enemies from prey that morph into people that transform into people and I was trying to run away from them. It was weird, cause it was almost like they represented some kind of guilt or something because they transform into some indistinguishable friends and projecting memories into my head. In the end, I had to forgive myself in order to destroy them. 

I noticed my personal relationships have been improving steadily and it's nice to see and feel these relationships and the intimacy that goes along with it. 

I had some event trigger the self-esteem issues that made me really reflect on my self-esteem issues and tackle some old beliefs about attractive people. There was the emotional side of me that speaks like an inner child and a logical side of me that sounds older and more analytical and trying to reconcile it with my therapist. 

The emotional side of me says "I want it" and displaying the past belief that I lacked it or wasn't attractive. other thoughts that tied to that is the belief that they have no problems and their life must be pretty great.

The logical side of me understands the fact that they have their own issues like having their attractiveness essentially override any form of nonphysical traits they have or everyone has subconscious notions and judgments of them. My therapist mentioned that some of his most conventionally attractive clients are some of the loneliest people and it appeals to this side of my brain while my emotional side is essentially not having any of it. 

So I'm trying to find a way to reconcile the two sides or heal the emotional side of me that thinks this is something I want to do on both conscious and subconscious fronts. 

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 2/4 
Day 4/8

I forgot to mention that I added 2 loops of sleep induction aid and it has helped with going to sleep. By the 10 min mark, I literally feel like i need to sleep and my the second loop I'm gone. 

The dreams I had last night were more aggressive and violent, Shannon said at some point that dreams are an indicator of something the subliminal is working on so it might be working through some of my anger and darker parts of my self.

The first memorable dream was me murdering some guy in a dexter kind of way and the second was me fighting a white guy that's harassing me and my Asian neighbors. 

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 3/4 
Day 1/8 

A major change I noticed today is I don’t feel any resentment or loneliness today. I actually felt pretty happy today and was hanging out with a platonic friend with great food and company. No more feelings of wanting to have someone else fulfill me or jealous that other people are with someone and I am single.

Another chain of thoughts I noticed was the fact that I’m reconciling the different aspects of myself and accepting it. I have the darker parts of myself and I have the self aware, reflective and thoughtful parts of myself too. We are one and the same and it’s because of one aspect of myself that I was able to identify the others.

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 3/4 
Day 1/8 

A major change I noticed today is I don’t feel any resentment or loneliness today. I actually felt pretty happy today and was hanging out with a platonic friend with great food and company. No more feelings of wanting to have someone else fulfill me or jealous that other people are with someone and I am single.

Another chain of thoughts I noticed was the fact that I’m reconciling the different aspects of myself and accepting it. I have the darker parts of myself and I have the self aware, reflective and thoughtful parts of myself too. We are one and the same and it’s because of one aspect of myself that I was able to identify the others.

[Aventus45]

Stage 4 
Cycle 3/4 
Day 3/8 

I noticed that I no longer have as strong of a desire to watch porn as I used to. Normally it would be a regular thing but now I don't feel that urge to actively seek it out. It feels like I have been using porn to fill something in me and the thing is currently being resolved by the sub.

[Aventus45]

Stage 4
Cycle 4/4
Day 7/8

Last night, it suddenly dawned on me that I no longer felt depressed at all. Stuff will still suck but I feel like I have handled a Li of the background stuff in the background and I feel content and at ease with everything. No background negative chatter in my head, negative programming and beliefs don’t affect me as much anymore. It’s a foreign feeling to me.

[Aventus45]

Stage 5
Cycle 1/3
Day 1/10