Aventus AM6 Journal

[Aventus45]

Wow it’s been a couple of years. This place hasn’t changed much.

Alpha Male Stage 1 day 6
 
There has been a ton of dreams so far. A lot of it involved clearing some form of insecurities that I am yet to be aware of. Last nights dreams to seem to be an ever evolving chase/adventure thought dimensions and piping that initially started as sort of like a class of people and suddenly alone.  Being forced to evolve and become ruthless like I was in a video game. All seems to be running from something. 

I was on a massive pornography binge during this quarantine and even before it. Just endlessly consuming porn and storing it. After running this program for about 6 days, I don’t feel that urge anymore. It physically doesn’t do anything for me anymore so I stopped for now. Who knows how long that’s going to last? I hope it does last as well as fix and improve many other things. 

The shame attacks, suddenly recoiling and feeling an intense feeling of shame, have been relatively often but I haven’t kept track of it till now.

The Why of deciding to use AM6 again. 
1. I realized I actually haven’t finished an entire run of AM6. I usually stopped at state 5 the last I remembered. I’m telling myself I should at least finish it for myself.


2. I realized I have nothing to offer to Women in many senses of the word. I don’t make that much money, I’m not even confident in anything and in my own photography. That fucked up my self esteem and added some weight to my depression.


3. Eventually I want to get to Sex magnet 3.0 and run that. See what the hype was about for the magnet series. In the past I was fully obsessed with the lack of intimacy I had and focused on DMSI series. Until it’s finished, I need to build up myself with AM and maybe SM. 


4.I missed my last summers self, I was super confident and bold but I lost it after not being attractive enough for some women I’m into. Especially with some scotch in me. Far more confident that my looks would dictate. That was a nice time and would be nicer if it was built on a solid foundation. 

[CatMan]

Awesome to hear from you again, man! It's been forever for sure.

Wishing you the best, Aventus!

[Aventus45]

Awesome to hear from you again, man! It's been forever for sure.

Wishing you the best, Aventus!

How have ya been Catman? its been a while. It feels like I'm coming back without the childlike wonder and obsession I had back then.

[CatMan]

Awesome to hear from you again, man! It's been forever for sure.

Wishing you the best, Aventus!

How have ya been Catman? its been a while. It feels like I'm coming back without the childlike wonder and obsession I had back then.

Doing good man, thanks. Hope you're safe during this whole crazy thing. Took a break myself for awhile. Maybe a couple since you've been here.

I agree with the "without the childlike wonder and obsession I had" part. I feel the same now, I went down that road too. My expectations have been greatly lowered over time. We'll see what happens.

All the best to you man!

[Aventus45]

Alpha Male Stage 1 day 7

I had a dream where I fought off flying parasites and I was struggling hard. Dunno what that dream is supposed to mean. Probably fight off internal beliefs, demons, or something.

Given this quarantine, It's hard to gauge any social changes so far.

 

[Aventus45]

I feel the all too familiar desire to change subs again. just figured out how impulsive I am and its now working to my favor.

[Aventus45]

Alpha Male Stage 1 Day 8 04/29/2020

Last night I went to sleep with the program playing, in the middle of the night I could literally feel like the sub  was resolving or dissolving something in my head. A burst of energy and a happier emotion. I couldn’t figure out what it resolved but I know it was big.

I went out on a limb and started talking to A, hot korean girl two years older than me, more. I used to not to because I couldn’t figure out what to say or how to act around her because I grew to be really needy in her presence. Verging on nice guy obsession for a month last year. That kinda pushed her away or at least I thought it did in my head. I was worried about a lot of things around her and generally pretty needy.

Anyway, the interaction was great compared to that of the past. I just started sending random shit to her cause I personally found it hilarious. In the past, it would just be like a few messages and dead silence for a week.

[Aventus45]

Alpha Male 6.0 Stage 1 Day 12 05/03/2020

So to expand on the whole random spazzing I have been getting, I can be going about my day and then suddenly remember something embarrassing, it completely overrides whatever I’m doing and I involuntarily say something until it goes away. I have been having that type of incident for years now and i never really put it into words until now. Likely to be a couple of the healing modules and OGSF. im trying to get through it but im not sure how to quite deal with it. 

OGSF is hitting me hard though. I feel it working in the background relating to my first relationship where I stumbled around making massive mistakes that effectively costed the relationship. I had a massive amount of self-victimization that took years to process slowly. Over the years, I processed the emotion and took on the uncomfortable truths of the relationship and im guess im feeling the remnants that deeper being dug up from the depths of my mind.

Talking to A has been vastly easier now as I got comfortable with it and im less needy about it. As we talk more and more since the last update, I noticed the transition between literally feeling the fear of her distancing herself and running away to not caring how she reacts. This is quite important as, the summer of last year till now, I placed her on the highest pedestal to in my life, and im seeing it being lowered rn. It's quite a huge development because i see it a noticeable internal shift in value.

As for reading material, I'm still subscribed to Mark Manson's ideal of an Alpha Male where the man has a strong foundation in self-improvement and lack of neediness. Which expresses itself as strong self-confidence and acceptance of self.

[Aventus45]

Alpha male 6.0 Stage 1 day 16 05/07/2020

The shame attacks have lessened a lot now. I don’t have it as frequently as I used to. OGSF did its job.

I still have that subconscious need to compare myself with others. It’s been instilled in me since I was a child. My cousins have been studious while I was frolicking around as a child. my parents would always compare me to them and asked why I wasn't like them. I always brushed it off as a kid but it impacted me a ton and i find myself comparing myself to everyone and it tears me apart. 

It impacted my self-esteem to the point where i cant really be proud of my achievements or skill and constantly be jealous of others even though other people are telling me that im good at what I do. Im sure AM6 will address but im a bit impatient.

[DavisMind91]

I’ll be keeping an eye out as I’m restarting the AM6 journey myself as of right now.

[Aventus45]

[b]Alpha Male 6.0 Stage 1 Day 21 05/12/2020
[/b]

HAd another zombie dream again. I was with 2 people and we were raiding other people while fighting zombies. For some reason, I can't fight the humans. None of my actions had much of an effect on people. 

Today's energy levels are absurdly low and feel like absolute trash emotionally. Still centered around me comparing myself to others. Its been with me through childhood and throughout so it will take time to change. Im sure later stages address this.

Alpha male 6.0 Stage 1 Day 24 05/15/2020


Feeling suicidal today something is happening under the hood.

Alpha Male 6.0 Stage 1 Day 27 05/18/2020

This stage is all about clearing and it primarily happens through dreams for me. As of recent memory, this is the first time in many years where i felt intense fear in my dreams that may have been related to the program. The dream was so visceral that it shook me through the core and jolted me awake. One of the rare times where I felt a primal fight or flight response in my dreams.

The whole scene containing a lot of blood and some kind of supernatural unknown danger. it shook me so hard that my mind immediately manifested someone to hold me as I was mentally breaking down within my dream. Sort of like a mother figure, she was trying to protect me from the sight as my mind was being overloaded. I knew that whatever caused
the bloodshed was after me and the person trying to comfort me. I had the thought to fully experience the scene again despite the total and absolute fear it was causing in me. for some reason, I knew that if I never confront it, I would become the same monster that was the root of this fear. This was highlighted after i "died" and became a monster.

What I found interesting is the sheer intensity of the dream and the scene itself. I haven't watched any horror or any that would inspire the content of the dream. Another thing is the woman I manifested in the dream that was comforting me. I was mentally thinking I was going through a psychotic break and was repeatedly thinking that. Typing this out makes it sound like I was fondled by a Lovecraftian god or something. 

Theories and interpretation of the dream.

In relation to the stage, I'm in, its typically considered to be the cleanup stage, where the old beliefs are being removed in preparation for the next stages. With the limited understanding of fear-based responses that i know of, it's entirely possible that what I experienced is the sub removing a thought and/or belief that I held on for so long that it became my identity. This, in my subconscious, was equated to being killed by something so horrifyingly foreign that can reach into the deepest rooted parts of my identity and effectively remove it.

At this level of subconscious beliefs or identity, whatever is the deepest rooted belief tends to have the most weight and in this realm, your beliefs are the concept of you and are self-sustaining. With any attempts to change it, the intruding or contrary thought and belief would have to essentially fight and compete with the status quo until it overpowers the existing thought or beliefs and replaces it as a part of your identity. This can explain the immediate manifestation of the woman I had comforting and shielding me from what was happening. Because in this mental world, I was being massacred due and being replaced or converted by the beliefs of AM6 and explaining the first three parts of the dream. 

The aspect of revisiting the original scene could be a war of acclimating to the fear response, or a way to reinforce the new set of beliefs that I was violently transitioned to. if this interpretation is what happened under the hood then the Naturalizer might have slipped somewhere and I got rocked LOL. 

[Aventus45]

I’ll be keeping an eye out as I’m restarting the AM6 journey myself as of right now.

Welcome to the crazy dreams journal lool

[Benjamin]

Can we try to keep the text at the normal size please, just makes it a bit more difficult to read as were used to it being a certain size. We made something about that under rule 15.

Anyway, sounds like a bit is going on. The zombie dreams are funny because around the time of AM 2010/2011 alot of us were reporting zombie dreams. The survival type dreams were pretty common for me on AM.

[Aventus45]

Can we try to keep the text at the normal size please, just makes it a bit more difficult to read as were used to it being a certain size. We made something about that under rule 15.

Anyway, sounds like a bit is going on. The zombie dreams are funny because around the time of AM 2010/2011 alot of us were reporting zombie dreams. The survival type dreams were pretty common for me on AM.

Changed the font, And yeah its pretty intense. its unlike anything i have ever felt in a long time.