Ampers&'s Alpha Male Journal [COMPLETE]

[Ampersnd]

New VDO; Stage 1, Day 29
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9FUb9vbw...e=youtu.be

More later

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 29

It's funny how much I went through frustration today at work; I did what I could to tap away those emotions (even in my mind). Thanks Geodude for that information. I wanted to take on Stage 2 right now, but I may do that on Tuesday night (technically on the 32nd day; look back at the very beginning, as the line is blurred between day 1 and day 0).

The concept of indifference is making more sense to me; I just have to experience it. I had a free 25 minute discovery session with Rion Freeberg today; he gave me some updates on his life and I filled him in on my life. He told me that I'm pretty much on track, and that I've "grown" since we've last spoken in audio form.

I have less dependance on any specific people, when I'm talking to certain people at work; some people are fun to converse with. But for some reason, it feels like there's an on-ramp; I'm ready for the next portion.

Even habits are done automatically; it's not a matter of effort, though today, I did have to snap myself back into spanish.

Anyways, I'm going to bed; early morning tomorrow; gotta go through an ordering process at work, starting at 7:30. Later

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 30.

So I'm snapping straight ahead and jumping to the next stage. The reason? My co-op requires me to put together a project that requires taking action in the next week, or else my graduating this class is in jeopardy. I've felt a whirlwind of emotions today (still stage 1) and worked to tap that away.

I scheduled some dentists to fix my tooth; I go tomorrow. I'll write more on this day tonight

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 0 (same day as Stage 1, Day 30)

The programming must've already kicked on to some degree; I know for a fact that the first 10 minutes of the program has to do with women, because I kept eye contact with two women, and they both smiled back . This was at my campus library.

I also caught a look at myself in the mirror, and my looks had knocked up 0.5. Nice!

There's a lot that I could say about today; my co-op planner came to visit me, again. I appreciate that she's concerned about where I wind up that she shows up as often as she does. And every time that I see her, I've improved in some degree. It'll all rest upon next Tuesday (the 2nd of December).

Curious to see what a night spent with Stage 2 will lead to.

[Ampersnd]

I'll be posting more updates between the days.

DAMN, I got better looking in a day. My smile is so mischievous, like a celebrity on the red carpet. Think Robert Downy Junior

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 1

I was a few hours late for my co-op, as I got a cleaning at the dentist's with a filling.
At work, I had so much of this amazing feeling that I was holding back tears for some moments of the day; this is probably due to A Course in Miracles and EFT. I've taken a short break from A Course in Miracles.

This is my second week in FLR Korean, with different phrases and connection words, so I can do more complex phrases in Korean. I have a friend who will correct them later on.

I'm losing focus, losing time, and it always feels like I don't have enough time.
Did a mastermind session with a repeat visitor; I went into teacher, and unloaded a bunch of knowledge on performance, and was able to put it into terms that a beginner could understand.

Stage 2, Day 2

I got to work a little late; huge snow storm in my city, so there was a problem with walking through the heavy snow.

Though my work abilities are good, I was back in forth on crazy stammering, studdering, or not communicating well, and speaking cristal clear. This was all in French. I think that it's my emotional state, and fear is the wrench in my spokes. When I pick up the phone, I come across clear, but when I want to make an interjective observation, I might not be understood.

Also, I'm starting to get mad and frustrated; this is a good feeling to have it happen, since the first day felt like it was too much smooth sailing. I want to breakthrough in my music career, and had virtually no time to practice given co-op and work; I pick up the guitar and my voice is complete shit. I was so angry and I resolved to fix that forever. I'm going to practice voice for a long time. Goddamnit Shannon where's the vocalist sub!! lol But I'll be practicing regardless, especially on a POWERFUL voice.

I'm feeling more indifferent; this girl at work that I used have a to crush on left my job, and is (right now) messaging me to get a coffee; I kind of don't care.

In short, feeling a whirlwind of emotions; it feels terrible to not communicate/not feel heard; it feels like I'm being restrained and corseted. I'll tap it out and go to bed.

Speaking of bed, I heard of this recipe that helps you fall straight asleep; 1 cup of warm water, 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, and 1 tablespoon of honey. I'm told it's tasty; I'll give it a try.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 3

Woke up feeling better than usual with a more powerful voice; caused by my magic drink and desire I suppose.

My morning rituals are now geared towards making me feel as joyous as possible; this is in Abraham-Hicks school of Law of Attraction.

But it works; the very best example I've used is the bus. This morning, the EXACT bus that I want to take shows up as I'm walking up to the bus stop. I did a short run to make sure that it wouldn't take off. Then again midday; I thought I'd do bus-stop hopping, where I'd walk from one station to another to get access to more buses, but I thought I would sit down and eat my meal instead. Two seconds later, the bus comes.

At work, I come across a minor situation that starts a snowball effect of negativity. It was my boss changing a plan that I made for an employee event.

It wasn't his action that set it off; it was what my co-op planner would think of it; "is she going to make a big deal that I didn't make a PERFECT plan? Come on, I've been in this job for only 4 weeks.. how could she expect me to do it perfectly? She better not fail me for this reason, let me plan what I would scream at her in case that would happen!"

Of course, this is rehearsing negativity and negative outcomes; so I tried to tap it away; relatively successful; I was in front of my boss for most of that day, after all.

He drives me to a bus station (my house is pretty far from the place) and in this case the buses took a little while.

My feelings on the LOA is that you need to have the resonancy of what you want, feeling as joyous as you can, the ability to spot a worthwhile opportunity, and then taking action on it. This program will do the last one, and I'm working on doing the others.

After co-op, I had an impromptu hangout with a friend. We were at the university complex, and there was a Jewish event (Hannukah is today). I catch an older woman check me out and the girl I'm with, then she opens us "Do you know what time it is?". I tell her. Then she asks how long it would take to get to xyz stadium; probably 30 minutes by car. We have small chat and then she goes.

I've been getting eye contact from different women, and they were eyeing my female friend as well.

We part ways, and I get ready for an open mic.

Turns out the open mic was a bust; they were having their 2 year anniversary, so they had a band playing the whole evening. I took up a table, sat my guitar down and had a beer; left after 30 minutes. I'll be back next week.

Why didn't I socialize with people?

Here's the deal about me; I've had an ear operation when I was 9. I have selective hearing, and I can't hear diddly squat in loud places. Also, my baritone voice gets drowned out easily in the noise; women have it easier in this realm, given their naturally higher timbre. So what happens if you can't hear what people say, and people can't understand you? You stay quiet.

But I did get the chance to sit down and learn a couple of things about performance; first, I find that bands think that LOUD is the magic key to everything. In fact, that just jumbles everything together and makes a mess, in my opinion.

Second, I figure this band thought that LOUD was their only option. Cause they didn't use any dynamics; so the loud volume becomes normal to people, so they'll lose their attention.

Third, the guitarist was good; really good. Like Joe Satriani good. But he kept playing his solos blazing fast all the time.

Another open mic tomorrow at 9PM, and this event is happening for me next week instead. Another open mic on Friday. After that, I should do my own originals instead of covers.

I also got into a mini Harry Potter video phase; I'm playing the first HP game on PC (from 2001)

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 4

I subscribed to Rion Freeberg's Holiday Challenge; it's where you watch the same Natural Grounding video 3 times a day, everyday until New Years : http://self-awakening.com/members/holida...-challenge

Did co-op today. Got there on time because I acted out of knowingness; I follow intuition a lot more, so where the '32' bus hadn't shown (it takes me 3 minutes from my co-op) and I was presented with '37', '39' (which would take me 15 minutes to walk, usually making me late), I decided to wait out of faith, and it eventually shows out. Of course it would; it's a bus.

Co-op is crunch time; the important dinner that I'm planning is Tuesday, today is Friday. So it's simply about getting all the details right. I'm more direct with talking to people, so it helps me propel my work more quickly.

When I got home, I played Harry Potter on PC (I'm not worried about getting hooked because it's a short game), had supper and then headed off to the open mic at university.

Here's how it went:
1st song: I didn't know the words, so it affected my guitar
2nd song: One string stayed tuned too high, so it changed some of the chords
3rd song: I get it right

I play two more songs:
4th song: nail it
5th song: nail it

It's a matter of any anxiety affecting me to some degree; I hold back because there's more at stake. I look forward to not worrying about it at all. And btw, tapping didn't get rid of all those emotions; for some reason, there are certain things that are too deep to dig out at the moment.

I was leveraging what I observed from the live band at the bar (the no-show open mic); I used dynamics to draw in attention, using pauses to my advantage, and lowering volume to create a vaccum, raising it to reward people who were listening. Swells are very powerful. The whole audience was quiet, especially in the last two songs.

I meet a young woman who writes her own music, has her own YouTube channel; perfect for a mastermind. I talk to her and she took my name for Facebook.

The girl I met with performed and did a formidable job as well; I invited her along to the party I was going to after; she politely refused with "I don't really drink", and I said "I won't drink either" (truth). She admitted that she wasn't feeling comfortable. I left it at that; she now has a book of mine until next semester. I really hope I wasn't giving her the wrong idea; she has a boyfriend, and I'm not interested. Maybe she's shy of parties or simply thought that I'm trying to date her. Our relationship is mostly business; we talk about advancing ourselves in our music careers, and we are still silly.

It's actually a relief to have friends with whom you don't want anything from.

Even the party; I felt rather indifferent. Either that, or the women weren't to my liking. I was chatting around, and went back and forth with my best friend there.

I left early because of work tomorrow, so I'll be sleeping now.

[Ampersnd]

In my dreams last night, I met my dream girl. She was beautiful, knew 10 languages (that's a bit of an unrealistic expectation, but I do know a girl who speaks 10), and was a complete sweetheart to me. I met her parents as I went over, and everything I did was somehow praised by them. The further she went with me was wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me on the cheek, but that felt awesome.

We went around the fictional town that I created in dream land and we did some goofy stuff. She'd definitely be the type of woman I'd have be my girlfriend, or at the very least my #1 in an open relationship.

Sigh, now dreams are giving me unrealistic expectations for the women I date.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 5

Most of my day was at work. There's a new sales woman, which is rather uncommon at my work since we sell men's clothes exclusively. Gorgeous asian woman, like wow. I over hear her speaking with a customer in.. Korean! I'm thinking: "No way". Funny enough, I wasn't that thrown off by her appearance, but the fact that I could practice in Korean with her made me giddy.

At one point, I go up to her and ask: "너는 한국어를 말합니까?" (Do you speak Korean?)
She was surprised, and we eventually chatted a bit in Korean.

Asked her about where she comes from, tell her that I'm in university. I ask about her age, and she says "Secret" lol. Turns out she's 32. Her boyfriend is a linguist with a blog, and speaks 5 languages fluently, atta boy.

I'm happy to have a person to briefly bounce ideas. One thing that I respect about her is that she's there for business; most of the time, she's with walk-ins. But then again, it's her first week, and she might relax like the rest of the salespeople.

I still have to take a placement test to see how good I am in Spanish so that I can take a class next semester.

I spend my time after work to learn and write down next weeks Korean phrases and words; it's that time of week.

I'm also considering what I want to do as an expanded morning ritual in 2014, using the sleep subs as a catalyst to feeling good in the morning.

I'll start a project to completion starting tomorrow night

[kostis29]

i entered stage-2 3days ago and somehow i feel like a total ''pussy'' everything was great for me in stage-1 ... anyway, i'm reading your stuff and is very interesting!

[Ampersnd]

@kostis29; thanks for the feedback!

In general to everyone, feel free to throw in a combo-breaker and give me some feedback. It helps me grow

Stage 2, Day 6
I finished the Harry Potter video game last night, so I won't distract myself further.. yeah, funny story... I'm into "The Last of Us" by PS3. I don't own the console, so I'm watching playthroughs; looks great.

Today, I wasn't feeling it; I had intense mood issues and a stomach ache that bothered my the first 3 or so hours at work. After that, it seems to clear up; I practiced FasterEFT with my mind.

I've completed roughly 3 pages out of a 15 page project due next Monday. It's actually a project with two other people, so I did more than half of my share. Either way, I'll write that much every day of the week, and leave it to the others to split it up.

I'm still feeling enormous pressure throughout the day; there is a lot riding on the next few days. I want to succeed exceedingly well. But the internal pressure is unmissable. Pressure creates diamonds, but it also creates dust.

[Ampersnd]

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[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 7,
I'm big into "The Last of Us" now; I make sure to play walkthrough videos while I'm doing schoolwork so that I'm associating fun with doing work. Working rather well; I did a bunch of schoolwork on my off time; well, it's not really my off time, since I need to do this project.

Work is more hands-on today, and will really be tomorrow; there's a big lunch and supper happening tomorrow. A lot is resting on that.

I feel and look a lot older than I am; I keep getting 23 as my current age (it's 21). Maybe my chronic lack of sleep and this sub are doing something to my appearance.

Results wise, I have a more grounded presence and more of an ability to be around people, look them in the eyes without being weird about it.

There are a couple of big things happening, instead of several small things, hence less to report.

I'm trying to crack the 'unconditional love' part of life; this has been a focus of mine for the last couple of weeks.

I started to crack Korean; working in 2 verb sentences "I'm starting to learn Korean" instead of "I'm learning Korean". That opens up so much. Once you get 3, you'll know how to do 4, and move on to more complex forms. That's where you throw in vocabulary, and BAM; you're semi-fluent. Exciting stuff.

Still doing Rion's holiday challenge


Stage 2, Day 8

I did the big day today; I spent almost 10 hours at work; the craziest bit was the first 4, which drained my mental energy. A lot of things were pulled off well, and tons of employees had raving reviews about it.
Did some more project stuff once I got home.
Yesterday, I FasterEFT taped with epic wall of grief; not extremely intense, but constantly there for 30 minutes or so. It had died down when I went to bed. It came back later tonight.
Which I had got to bed earlier tonight (writing this in retrospect)