Alpha Female in Training

[I am a self helper]

Thanks for the update.
I have noticed with EPHRA that I have this extreme desire to go to school and move on. I am extremely driven for education lately.

[Why So Serious?]

@I am a self helper
I Wonder why that is happening? I usually have to be forced by something externally to learn something so I find it kind of weird.

Day 10

I revisited an old memory. A bad memory and the negativity has cleared up from it. Well, most of it.

The fear of me dying isn't as bad anymore. Now I seem to worry about everyone else dying, but I'm sure that will clear up.

I do feel like I'm going back to my old self lately. The usual not taking care of my self, being taken advantage of and more.

Will just have to see how this goes. It will most likely will get better just have more inner junk to clear out.

[Why So Serious?]

Wow Day 20 already!

Well, I missed I couple of days so I need to add 3 more days to that.

The resistance is just getting strange. I have been feeling lonely lately so I thought I would at least have some family time with my mom. Not even five minutes later and she is starting to get on my nerves. I did some shopping and people were getting on my nerves. I don't even know these people I don't feel like that should be happening. Even tried texting a friend and wanted to throw the phone at the wall.

I still feel alone but can't stand being around anyone. Am I going crazy?

I'm not saying the sub isn't working beause it still is........in its own wired way. Not only that but I really feel like the old me is back. Except for a few things like feeling depressed out my mind. However, all of my bad habits are back.

It's so weird because I still feel kind of alpha (urgh... there has got to be a better word to describe what I'm feeling.)

Oh and I forgot to post this but somewhere around stage 3 or 4 I was thinking that I sound move out the state to be free and away from my family because I thought that would automatically make me happy. It hit me hard like a brick that it wouldn't bring automatic happiness. I would still be the same person that I was sitting there thinking about moving away. Nothing would get automatically lifted. The depression all the emotions will still be there and I was just trying to run away from stuff that needed to get taken care of.

I know to some people that will sound like common sense but it wasn't common for me. Sigh..... can't believe I was doing it for that reason.

[Why So Serious?]

Day 22

Today I decided to test the waters and see how feel about dying because a couple of weeks ago I was going through some serious anxiety over it. I'm proud to say that I am 75% over it. I kind of laughed at my self while thinking about it. I feel embarrassed that I was stressing out so much over it.

Still going through resistance but I know I can learn something from it. It's just going to take some time to figure out what is causing it. Well, as I typed that sentence an idea popped into my head of why all the resistance. Something about the old me dying or something like that could be causing it.

Another thing I realized is that I now have goals! My own goals not goals that people think I should be striving for. Their mine all mine!!!! It's only 2 but I'm still pretty proud. Now I have something to strive for instead of wondering around aimlessly. Yay me!

[Shannon]

Growth is its own reward.

[Why So Serious?]

Yes it is. Thanks for posting that. It couldn't have come at a better time.

[Why So Serious?]

Last Day of Stage 5

Sigh..... It feels like I'm getting ahead and everyone else is left behind. It hit me real hard today. It's scary because I don't want that to happen. At the same time what can I truly do about it? It's not up to me to make sure people change it's up to themselves. It sound very harsh but it's true. Still doesn't make me feel any better about it though. I just don't to see anyone stuck in their misery. Especially people that you care about.

[Shannon]

Sadly, when you begin to grow, you will find that two things become apparent.

First, you're now going to have to shift to a new circle of acquaintances, because the old ones don't fit anymore; and second, most people not only don't want to grow, they enjoy being at their current level of misery so much that they will fight tooth and nail to preserve it.

There is always a first in every group to realize they are unhappy being stagnant, and do something to fix it. Part of that growth is the transition process from being part of that stagnant group to part of something else, possibly a group that is growing or possibly going it alone. Not always fun or easy, but when growth is necessary, that is the result.

I believe the growth is still much more than worthwhile, however.

[Benjamin]

Yep.. i've experienced that strongly. Nearly all of my old friends I don't have anything to do with.. they went weird and it was very painful for quite a while as I had nobody and I finally consciously disconnected from them. And i've started to make new friends at the gym who are much more positive for me. I can't say I have much of a friendship group right now but i'm working on it and finally learning to make friends which has always been an issue of mine.

To think I could still be stuck with them, overweight, dealing with their negativity and complaining.

Fuck that!

And no it wasn't fun.. but yes it is worth it!

[Why So Serious?]

THanks guys. That was really helpful. Now what about family? You can't just let them go and never talk to them again. lol

Wow, why do they want to be stuck in their misery? They usually say that they want help. So are they lying?

Been having a lot of things happening but with something that happened recently I just figured out something. I was in denial of problem that I was having. Of course you can't solve a problem without recognizing there is one. So now I'm trying to figure out what to do about it.

Also I'm still trying to figure out what is going on. Now it's like I can have thought filled with fear and then something from the inside(a gut feeling is the best way to describe it) that not only calms the fear down but makes it feel pretty ridiculous. I have had that happen before but it was never this strong. It doesn't waver or second guess. I tried doing that for most of the day and answer remains the same. It scares me because now I wonder if I should trust it. I mean I don't have any proof except for this feeling.
Hmm... I don't know it is very hard to explain and quite confusing to me.

[stratos]

With family you can be supportive and compassionate of them. And if they or some of them are not supportive of you can choose to cut back on the time you spend with them so as to minimize the problems.

[Why So Serious?]

Thanks Stratos will have to separate myself from them.

Well, lately things have been kind of weird. For one people say that I'm glowing. I thought you had to be a good for that to happen? I have been sick most of the time and have felt worn out. I don't get it.

Now my libido has been high lately. This happened during EPRHA but the feeling wasn't as strong. It bothers me at times but I'm learning to accept it. Which reminds that I'm really feed up with society and rules on how women can't be too sexual. Can't go out and have to much sex your basically worthless goods if you do so. It really has me screwed up.

Sigh... what to do.

[Why So Serious?]

Sorry about that. I worded that wrong. I just meant that I need some time away from my family but you did comment at the right time. I am harboring some hate against my family. I know where they are coming from. They did have it worse than me. I can definitely see that it is self hate on my part. Need to do something about it.

I'm glad that you cleaned out your closet. I'll be doing the same.

[Why So Serious?]

@AlphaReal

I see I thought you meant cut yourself from them for good. I have been thinking about letting a family member listen to sub. Unfortunately they don't have speakers but I think I can get some cheap ones for now.

@ MannSchaft

Man I made a mess out that last post. Yep your right. I was sexually frustrated at the time of typing that. I won't type any more when I'm like that. :p


Lately I feel wierd. Friday I had energy. That doesn't happen and I was talking all day at work. I couldn't shut up but nobody seemed to mind. It happened again today except I'm not talking.

For some odd reason want to play videogames, and watch anime like I used to do. I'm not sure if any of this is a good thing or not. I thought when you grow up your suppose to give that up and watch it occasionally. Now that I think about it I quit doing all those things when I really hit rock bottom in my life. I'm still not comfortable with all this happening though. It's so confusing.

I feel like the sub is working on something lately so that may explain all of this.