All that is gold does not glitter... yet! - Mateunio's Alpha Male 6 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 2

I'm getting typical tiredness and confusion as I'm starting new stage. For some reason for me transition between stages are never easy for me. Also fact that I'm trying to get as much exposure as possible is not helping the process. I'm not having that much exposure however, I think it would sum up to 35 hours past 2 days which is below norms. It will pass however, it always does.

I feel bad. It's different kind of bad than I had on Valentine's Day. That one was purely about past loves, here it's very general. If my mind is not occupied it wonders and for example reminds me of some silly, awkward moments I've had 10 years ago. Makes me really anxious and forces me to concentrate at something all the time, which is not easy. I think my subconscious is really trying to stop those "big guns" advertised in AM description and, I must admit, it does quite a good job at it. I'm almost scared because as far as I remember this is the stage where most people give up AM. I have no intention of giving up and if those thoughts continue I'll simply limit myself to listening only during the sleep, but I think I understand why they did what they did.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 7

With first week behind I must say this is the most fun and pleasant stage so far. Bad feelings are almost absent now and happen only if something triggers them - they fade away in few minutes though. Most of the time I feel empowered and quite confident - I find myself controlling the frame more and having more and more alpha presence. Steps in the right direction no doubt, I'm curious how it will go.

I have few dreams, most of them connected to some real life situation presented as if it was computer game. I find it funny because I find there are two main differences between real world and game world (except obvious ones like second one not being real, dah):

• Games have scores and well defines goals which makes pursuing those goals easy
  
• Games have limited set of rules, while real world is infinitely complicated.
  

And so I think subconscious is telling me to set exact goals and strive to them, as we do in video games to get to the next level. Or maybe something more, but with this interpretation I can work and it makes sense.

I was watching a lot of TV series lately inspired by what Blackdragon wrote in his book about body language and how to learn it. I'm watching "Sons of Anarchy" now and I must admit it is wonderful resource to learn this. Story is not the best and it's almost soup opera with bikes, guns and whores, but it is enjoyable and I think I'm gonna use some of the body language used there to my advantage. If you have some time to waste and you're not afraid of some cheesiness, I recommend it.

I was experimenting with manifestation this week and guess what - something happened! I didn't talk to her because she was writing through Facebook whole time I've seen her and I was puzzled that it happened so fast. I don't regret though, maybe it was fear but I felt like I'm not ready yet and I should work on myself first. I know how to meet with her next time however (we have a common friend) in May so I'll be ready then. For now though I don't think much about it, that would do only harm.

[JJ54]

I'm curious on how did your manifestation worked.

[Mystic Pymp]

I'm curious on how did your manifestation worked.

I was waiting in the queue to see my doctor and I was just behind her. Not much was happening because, as I said, she was texting all the time and I didn't want to bother her and also I felt I'm not ready yet. I reckon she was manifestation because of two things:
1) She looked almost perfect. I'm not talking 10/10 perfect but rather my kind of perfect. She's foreigner and there are not many of them in my country (unlike multi-cultural countries like USA or UK), so taking into consideration that fact and fact we went to the same doctor is quite a mindblow for me.
2) Night before I was visualizing to similar scenario, but instead of waiting in front of doctor's it was dean's office as I had some things to do there as well. I thought my business at my Uni would take some times while doctor will take just a second - yet another way around happened to be true.

I don't think there is much to say. I said my doc (which I know for 10 years and she's great woman) that that girl looked very cute and she told me when her next appointment is so that I registered on the same day. If she happens to be there I will do my best, but for now I really don't want to over-analyze it not to screw up manifestation if it's really legit.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 12

Not feel much like writing. I hold on though. My reaction to this stage had been quite polar so far: sometimes I feel like master of puppets controlling my surroundings with nothing but my awesomeness, other times I feel threatened and shy. And I feel second one way more than I'm comfortable with.

I've read Natious' new journal entries and I fear I will have similar things to say at the end of my journey. I'm not really sure what should I expect at this stage yet, but many people have awesome results and mine are, well, weak. There are some things that make me believe AM works, but it simply cannot break through all my shit. Re-run seems to be immanent which is bad news for me - I was considering it as a refinement to put a cherry atop the cake, not as necessary step in the process.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 13

I've been thinking about my recent experiences and I came up with those two points:

1) I feel angry a lot recently. Well, anger is not the best word for it as it's not very aggressive. Disappointed maybe? Anyhow I feel angry at myself that I seem to have little progress, I am angry at the subs that they don't do their magic well enough, I am angry at my school, my friends, whole humanity, everything. I stopped visualizing cause I know it wouldn't work well now. I didn't felt it while using subs before. There see so much BS around me I need to deal with and so few things to reinforce myself against it.

2) My confidence is low. It's not that I don't have it, I know my worth, but it seems others don't know it and I don't know how to project it. What I think is valuable in myself (intelligence, honesty, perspicacity) are not things valued by society of today. And because I simply refuse to pretend to be dumb to be "fun" people don't accept me and so my confidence drops.

I don't know if that was this stage that brought those or is it something more. I don't think it matters much anyway, The Show Must Go On.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 14

I'm posting quite often here now. It's a good thing, having something to write means I'm doing progress! I'm feeling better now (not phenomenal, but well enough) and House of Cards provides great distraction from thinking too much.

I had the strangest dream tonight. There was this book "The Spain Door" (even in dream I knew something's wrong with this title's grammar) and while reading it I was transformed into its main character having some adventures inside bizarre mansion. Inside the book was something I can only compare to "The Twilight Zone" in terms of strangeness. I don't remember many details, but I remember living armors, brilliant colors (in one moment everything was purple and while), traps and rooms with buttons. There were 2 children and a woman with me, she had to sacrifice herself after I pushed wrong button so that I and kids could escape. I write about this because I never have dreams like that, some of them are very imaginative but not like that. I terms of my games-dreams connection the only game that came into my mind (and during the dream mind you!) was Dark Souls.

I got automatic message on Facebook from my sweetheart today to like her new blog. It was first kind of any contact with her since over a year now. The worst thing is that now I'm making a big deal about it, even though what she probably did was she sent invitation to all her Facebook friends. Anyhow one year of pretending she doesn't exist or that at least all my issues with her are just in my head are over.

I think I gonna deal with it though, before AM6 simple sight of her profile picture would give me little heart attack and ruin my entire day, now I just worry all emotional drama will return as hope I one killed might come back. And I'm sure it won't, I have no intention of letting that happen.

[GlaizenGold777]

Matenuio said:

I think I gonna deal with it though, before AM6 simple sight of her profile picture would give me little heart attack and ruin my entire day, now I just worry all emotional drama will return as hope I one killed might come back. And I'm sure it won't, I have no intention of letting that happen.

We have same past experience, and AM is making us stronger for sure.

[Mystic Pymp]

Matenuio said:

I think I gonna deal with it though, before AM6 simple sight of her profile picture would give me little heart attack and ruin my entire day, now I just worry all emotional drama will return as hope I one killed might come back. And I'm sure it won't, I have no intention of letting that happen.

We have same past experience, and AM is making us stronger for sure.

Thanks, it's good to know I'm not the one with this kind of issue. I feel much better now, I fell asleep easy and I today make no big deal of it at all. Apparently just my initial reaction was emotional and it soon faded away. BTW she was one of two reasons why I started subs and I'm very happy to see improvements.

[GlaizenGold777]

Matenuio said:

I think I gonna deal with it though, before AM6 simple sight of her profile picture would give me little heart attack and ruin my entire day, now I just worry all emotional drama will return as hope I one killed might come back. And I'm sure it won't, I have no intention of letting that happen.

We have same past experience, and AM is making us stronger for sure.

Thanks, it's good to know I'm not the one with this kind of issue. I feel much better now, I fell asleep easy and I today make no big deal of it at all. Apparently just my initial reaction was emotional and it soon faded away. BTW she was one of two reasons why I started subs and I'm very happy to see improvements.

You're last sentence. We are on the same boat once again. ;-)
That's exactly on of three reason why I rerun AMv6 again. Btw, good luck on your journal.

[GlaizenGold777]

@Matenuio. You must read this. Very inspiring. We are on the same boat! lol.

[Mystic Pymp]

@Matenuio. You must read this. Very inspiring. We are on the same boat! lol.

Thanks, quite a journal indeed. Reminds me that I'm still at the beginning of the road and best is yet to come. It's such a shame though that Shannon is not as active on these forums as he used to be, we're losing some awesome insights because of it

Stage 3 Day 16

I got sick. Nothing major, simple tonsillitis, but it makes me very weak and renders plan I had impossible. Nothing I can't do next week, but I'd rather be over it. To be honest it's a miracle I got sick only now, I have quite weak immune system and I get sick often, but last time I was sick in October I think. I blame fish oil for that.

I dreamed of her tonight, quite unexpectedly to be honest. Me and group of colleagues (she as well) were in the room, working on some kind of project. I was lying on the bench, relaxing and she approached me closely and whispered me something in the ear, I don't remember what. All I remember is that I smelt her flowery perfume and I told her twice something like "it wasn't enough back then" and I woke up. I wonder what my subconscious was trying to tell me, but letting go and not thinking about it seems to be the best option available.

I didn't realize this at the time, but I've been listening the subs for half a year now! For that occasion I want to ask some people close to me if they've noticed any changes in me in since last summer and I'll post what I've found out here.

[Mystic Pymp]

Stage 3 Day 19

I've asked people around about how I changed and their answers were quite consistent. "More mature", "more open and easy to be around" and "thoughtful" often came out. But there was noone saying how surprised they are I've changed or that the change was really significant. Also some people were struggling to find those changes, but they agreed when I said others' opinions. So yeah, in case somebody said I do change but Naturalizer is covering them - well, not really. Some change appears, but it's far from radical or mind-blowing and half a year is quite a long time. This also makes me think about what subs to do next, but I didn't made a choice yet other than I will need to rerun AM6 starting Autumn this year.

Not much to say on other fronts. I was sick and weak the whole week (I was able to sleep like 16 hours a day) but it's almost done. I've became much more aware about my diet and exercises recently and I will both do daily running and cut some calories this spring. I hope to lose 6 kg by the end of June, I'm quite determined so we'll see how it goes. Sadly my confidence is in shambles - I've downloaded Tinder and played with it a bit (I've rejected most of people because they were either fake accounts or stupidity permeated through the photos) and I've got one match, I didn't do anything about it because it's obvious for me she's way beyond my league.

[Mystic Pymp]

Yeah, that song sums up everything quite nicely.

Stage 3 Day 27

I know I've been whining a lot recently. That's why I didn't post any updates past week - those may be hard to read, but trust me they are even harder to write. I don't regret writing those, they describe well how felt and they are testament for future generations that AM6 is not emotional catwalk. And somehow I fear they will be more posts like that in the future. For now though I'm glad I fell much better and more optimistic now.

I'm no expert, but I think this dip I had for almost a month had to do with ERPHA clearing all the emotional burden I had and still have. I thought I dealt with it all during LTU run, but apparently it wasn't enough. Or maybe AM brought some changes that made deeper crap to surface? Hard to say. Anyhow now I see some changes on how I react and deal with this particular issue, and I'm glad I do.

There are still no external changes to speak about, but it's not reason to complain cause I can really see some internal changes. I feel more alpha, more decisive, mature and committed. I don't wanna talk much because I will do summary next week at the end of this stage, but things are looking good to me. Even nature seems to agree as days become longer and warmer. The only thing I wish I had at this moment is more confidence because now I'm in loop low confidence -> no external results to rise confidence -> low confidence. I hope this issue will solve itself in time though.