All that is gold does not glitter... yet! - Mateunio's Alpha Male 6 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour who harbor it on their own time. I am a letter written in uncertainty.

Stage 2 Day 7

Disclaimer: Today's update might be more whiny than usual. Or at least this is how I feel right now.

It hasn't been the greatest day for me ever. It was neither the opposite actually, but it was worse than usual.
*I woke up for classes two hours ahead of time even though I later learnt I didn't need to go there and I've learnt nothing new nor useful.
*At later classes I was told I don't have final note given cause I didn't write one of the tests. Of course I did and gazing upon my face my professor agreed, but I needed to go with her to her cabinet to solve the issue. Waste of time and nerve.
*I came back home I didn't have any strength. I could only lay down and sleep or watch mindlessly "The Flash" on my computer.
*I was supposed to go with my friend to social even where I could have meet like-minded people, but she was too tired and I was tired too so I passed. I won't go alone after all, right?
*Finally I went back to my parents home for a long weekend to prepare myself for a tsunami of exams to come. Sadly, this means I'm bored and alone in my sanctuary people call "room" and I got hit by memories I struggle with for years now.

I got hit but I hadn't broke. Damn, I wish I was weak and I could do stupid, silly things that rushed through my mind. I mean yes, I am weak, especially today, but I'm not weak enough. There are some things I'd want to do, but I won't cause my inner strength won't allow me. Because how would I look myself in the mirror if I failed now? Why I am listening to some silly audios and reading books, forums and gods know what else if I am to give up so easily. Neglect due to resistance or whatever you'd call it is fine, outright self-sabotage is unacceptable.

I'm starting to notice what the problem with this stage for me is. Stage 1 was very tough because it was trying to introduce me to new ideas I think and my mind resisted. Now that its dust had settled Stage 2 leaves me confused. Subconscious knows in which direction to go and it seems to try to lead me there, but it doesn't know how. Thus I feel very confused, battling my thoughts, feeling empowered and suddenly drained, having no idea what to do (or how to do them) etc. I'll give you an example in the next paragraph, but it is really unsettling position for me. I think with time it will pass and as long as I have something to focus on (my exams) I will be perfectly fine. But being fine is not an issue - getting somewhere is an issue and it seems like I wonder aimlessly right now.

And so I have a serious problem. It seems like a girl likes me :O Pretty one at that, easily dating material. She has no serious flaws to be honest: she's single, pretty, right build and height, clever but not genius, dark eyes, lives close, friendly and has good sense of humor. There are some flaws, but nobody's perfect and I don't expect ideal to come out of my brain and materialize in front of me. How do I know she likes me? Well, evidence is not direct, but there is plenty of it and I think it's safe to say there is something to it. So, where is the problem? It's not in the fact that I don't know how to contact her, she's at least once a week at my place and we write once in a while on Facebook. It's not that I'm ashamed, my other flatmate hit on her already and no shame or awkwardness came out of it.

The problem is I fear I might actually succeed. I fear having a girlfriend. But I want having a girlfriend. I have the best chance since a year if not ever and I'm blowing it cause I'm confused. I blame my past experiences, badly understood ideas form "Alpha 2.0" as well as low self confidence for that. But if this is so how come I could ask out a girl just before Christmas, during Stage 1? What has changed now? Need to think about this question some more. Hopefully I will be able to pull myself together before chance is gone.

I AM a letter written in uncertainty. How can I be certain of anything while I cannot be certain of myself?