A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

Check out a book: Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. It's a coupla bucks on the Kindle Store.

I have been having some despair and anger issues, and I'm already feeling better. Sometimes it's the simple, free, Universal truths that help us heal the most.

Looking for that book now, thank you RTBoss!

[apollolux]

Ok, I took a look at the book RTBoss recommended. It's short and sweet, with the message "I love myself."

Does performing the mantra/meditation the author recommends (breathe in+"I love myself," breathe out+everything else) conflict with listening to ASC? We'll find out soon.

[apollolux]

==21 days done, month 2==
21 days done in the second month and I continue to be exhausted.

I feel anger and aggression, fatigue and weariness, internal conflict all the time. I scream into pillows on a daily basis now and still have not satisfied the feeling of wanting to punch walls. I continue to somehow get women's numbers but be unsuccessful in converting them to later meets. I also have the urge to regularly be around only people I trust, though I consider that the manifestation of my pre-existing desires to be social, sociable, and good with people. Maybe ASC is allowing me to give myself permission to be more discerning? Who knows. It feels a bit like conflicting desires, though, being only around people I trust and simultaneously reaching out to expand my social circle.

Yesterday I allowed a female friend of mine I actually trust to swipe for me on Tinder without letting me see who she chose. So far I haven't gotten matched with anyone I don't recognize, but she saved me some time swiping after I calibrated my preferences for her. I haven't had any success with Tinder, so I figured it would only help to have a second opinion. I've known her for a couple of years and I've grown to trust her to be direct and honest with me, given her no-nonsense attitude and approach to people.

[apollolux]

Breaking format to note today I was reprimanded by a friend of mine for apparently coming on too strong to a freshman girl yesterday at one of the on-campus activities. I don't know if I'm giving off a creepy vibe or something, but if I can't feel safe about participating in this club without worrying about some girl complaining about me I'm worried I may have to stop going. It's a shame, this is one of the few things to do on campus that I actually enjoy doing and not being able to do it means I have one less outlet, one less group of people whose company I can enjoy.

[apollolux]

Breaking format again to note the following.

When I opened Instagram to check my feed I saw new photos posted by my one-itis and I felt a really unfamiliar feeling. Normally if I'm going to feel something about her it would manifest as tje butterflies in my stomach feeling, but this time it felt like a heartburn or heartache in the top center of my chest. I don't like this feeling and I worry it might be rage, so I unfollowed her.

I honestly don't know how to process this feeling.

[Benjamin]

Just sounds like some dumb jealousy from your 'friend'.

[apollolux]

Just sounds like some dumb jealousy from your 'friend'.

I wish it was, but he's got a pretty cute girlfriend himself who's willing to take shit from her parents to be with him.

I accidentally left out the part where said girl complained to the club's president, who then delegated talking to me about it to my friend. I really thought I put it in there, but apparently left it out. I talked with the president about it directly yesterday and he assured me things are cool between us.

I'm president of a club on campus myself, so I know what it's like to have to walk the fine line between representing the club and representing myself. I made it clear to not only him but also my own club's officers that if anything like that becomes a problem I'd be willing to leave the club/resign from my own club in order to keep the supposed drama away from one/both of them.

The irony is being a club president has resulted in me being a "situational alpha," however temporary it may be, and I haven't yet been able to successfully use that particular clout to actually have a girl. I really wish I could afford AM6 right about now, especially if how much ASC+medication is kicking my ass is any indication of the efficacy of such a sub.

[apollolux]

Breaking format a bit to note that for the past couple of days I've been sweating profusely and excessively, way more than I usually am for this kind of weather. I also found today I've dropped to 165 pounds down from 177 only a month ago; I don't know if this is an improperly measured weight or if such a drastic change indeed happened, but I haven't been exercising nearly as hard since I started school for the semester and I'm a bit worried I might be losing muscle. I'm still doing pull-ups for the V-taper, but haven't done deadlifts for the core in a couple of weeks.

I'd much rather lose the excess skin I now have around my midsection so my abs can finally show. Any low-/no-cost non-surgical recommendations on how to make that happen?

[RTBoss]

I can't comment on anything for your skin - hopefully you're young enough that by staying at a lower weight, the elasticity of your skin will take care of itself and retract on its own.

Regarding the weight loss, with your increased stress level, have you found you are eating significantly less? Make sure you're using a good protein blend with micellar casein and whey a few times per day, especially post-workout and before bed. I recently switched to using a free acid/creatine hcl blend from Muscle Tech called Creactor. I like it better than creatine mono, though you'd be hard pressed to find studies that show it's better. I'm stronger and I've put on 10 pounds without changing waist size.

[apollolux]

Regarding the weight loss, with your increased stress level, have you found you are eating significantly less?

To save money I have a pretty restricted diet to begin with (daily: two Clif Builder's Bars, 16oz Bolthouse Farms Blended Coffee Protein Plus, maybe two cups of white rice for dinner) and I've documented that I've actually been eating more recently due to stress (rather, dipping into my next day's allotment in addition to the current day's).

Make sure you're using a good protein blend with micellar casein and whey a few times per day, especially post-workout and before bed. I recently switched to using a free acid/creatine hcl blend from Muscle Tech called Creactor. I like it better than creatine mono, though you'd be hard pressed to find studies that show it's better. I'm stronger and I've put on 10 pounds without changing waist size.

Other than the three protein sources I mention above, I have 3g of the BCAA D-aspartic acid mixed into water, a zinc supplement, and a vitamin D-3 supplement. I got those back when I had a bit of cash and was worried I had low testosterone levels.

I'm pretty poor at the moment and it translates to a lot of belt-tightening, both literally and figuratively.

[apollolux]

I need to note here before I forget that, before Monday, I thought that as a nice bonus to increasing self-confidence that the existing claustrophobia I have was being reduced since I've become increasingly more comfortable with riding crowded trains recently.

On Monday, however, an elevator I was riding on campus decided to suddenly stutter, stop between floors, then dip to the below floor unexpectedly. Once the doors opened I got the hell out of there, freaked out a bit, and decided to take the stairs up the remaining floors.

For reference, I was trapped in an elevator for 45 minutes when I was 7 years old, surrounded by adults, mostly males, who I didn't know and I felt powerless and helpless the entire time. Being trapped in that elevator is the source of this claustrophobia I still have and it's very clear to me that it's not yet resolved.

[apollolux]

I'm reading through old AM journals right now and found this nugget in Sean's AM Journal about body scent:

Actually now that you mention it Shannon, my ex talked about when I left an item of my clothing like a jacket she would sleep with it because of the smell. I found it a bit strange at the time. :Z

It's also a comfort thing. They associate your scent with security and safety, so they try to be close to it when you're not there.

This reminded me of a couple of months ago when my one-itis/former friend asked me to bring her a sweater when we met up for her birthday dinner in June because "she was suddenly cold" and when I couldn't find a sweater of mine I bought her a new one and she demanded I take it back and get refunded.

I originally thought she was being unappreciative of my gesture and my therapist later convinced me she was trying to be considerate of my financial situation at the time, but combined with all the other signals she sent me the above explanation about associating my scent with "safety and security" makes a lot more sense to me as another signal that she was into me.

...

Also, this bit by massagemaggie stood out to me:

Not dwelling on this, something just ocurred to me.

Stress, fear, discomfort, anxiety all cause a rather sour and unpleasant smell and taste in a person. I ccan onsciously detect the change in "flavour" scent and taste wise in men.
I bet AM changes that, as a general rule.

[apollolux]

Started reading The Rational Male. The more I read the more I'm disappointed in myself for allowing myself to emotionally invest in my one-itis as much as I did. It feels more and more like having a sexually passionate relationship with a strong emotional connection (or the other way around) with a physically beautiful woman without having to worry about being financially dependable is just a pipe dream.

[apollolux]

==28 days done, month 2==
28 days done in the second month and I feel like giving up life.

For the past couple of days, possibly longer, I've been sweating profusely during the day regardless of the weather or any location's air conditioning. Today I experience the sweating while on the train AND I start feeling nauseous. I exit the train at the halfway point of its trip and make it to a trashcan just in time before I start vomiting. I eventually make my way to a McDonald's near that train station to use the bathroom and proceed to experience what I feel is the third noticeable side effect of the medication, diarrhea. None of what I had this morning has stayed inside.

I gave the medication 29 days because I wanted to give it a genuine try and supposedly it takes a while to kick in. I'm not willing to put up with this level of psychic/mental/emotional exhaustion AND this level of physical exhaustion, so I plan to quit the medication. My doctor suggests lowering the dose instead, and believes a recent change in diet is more likely the culprit than the medication finally taking effect.

I still feel angry and aggressive most of the time, and still have difficulty calibrating my interactions with others, still coming off intimidating and not getting the results I'm looking for with women especially.

I'm not thinking straight today to write much more given this morning's gastrointestinal tempest. Maybe I'll amend in later posts.