3rd day on OGSF

[findingme]

I was home all day with the sub on. I feel kind of mentally tired, but I'm heading into what Shannon speaks of: a desire to overcome more within me. I have no focus; it's just a growing, unafraid feeling presently.

[Bliss]

I believe all subs (including 5g+) work on whatever resistance/old belief/fear they encounter before going deeper again. Ive seen Shannon describe OGSF as akin to peeling an onion, and I can validate this with my own experience running OGSF 5G for 3 months.

My advice would be to stick with it longer than 3 months (I wish I had). Also, be aware that the Naturalizer makes it hard to notice changes in yourself. I felt a number of times that it wasn't doing anything, but in hindsight it was definitely helping me.

[findingme]

Bliss,

I really appreciate you sharing you wish you'd run it longer. That says a lot after seeing your emotions in your OGSF thread.

If you're willing, would you share some reasons why you'd have done it longer? I'm seeking some motivation and justification for doing this myself. Thank you for the support.

[findingme]

And yes Bliss, I sit here hours after feeling "good" about it (posted earlier today), and could easily say "based on my feelings now, I want something ELSE to move me, to change me emotionally".

For, in my recent experience on it, my eyes and mind wander to something "better". (An old survival trait I still use--all fear based)

Is it resistance? From what I've read in the forum, it likely is. I've only had an hour away from it today, so OGSF has been working steadily in me today.

[Bliss]

I have learnt that, at least in my experience, problems and emotional issues take time to uproot and heal. This is especially true for early childhood fears, guilt and shame. I ran OGSF, ASC and LTU last year. No doubt they all benefitted me greatly, but if I had my time again I probably would have ran OGSF for the entire year. I also don't regret what I did, so I dunno. Ive learnt that commitment and focus is important with these subs (and any self improvement). If you wanna change subs, do it. If you don't, don't. Everyone's journey is different.

Im running overcoming fear now and I'm not stopping until I'm fearless, thats the goal. Hope that helps

[findingme]

Bliss, I'm adding to the understanding of what happens as the onion is peeled.

I'm sad. I haven't felt sad in like 2 days, and I'm speaking of old grief. Stuff which has been down there a long, long time has been coming up almost daily.

I'm home today, and I'm not wanting to reach out for help. I so, so, so used to absolutely depend on others to feed me emotionally. I relied on my daughter when younger (fear, anger, then guilt and sadness comes), and I've got 1 healthy person around me. But fearing he'll abandon me, I don't reach out with the REAL me. So, I've just not done that. My emotional survival has all been based on me lying so 1. you'd never see the real me, and 2. if we part ways, I won't be hurt so bad. Well........"real me" has less to hide behind lately, so..........I'm (actually thinking) I'm clueless on how to build a friendship (that's learned helplessness there). What's more obvious to me is my learned helplessness/victim mindset has emerged, asking to express himself so I feel "better". I read the page for the Overcome the Victim Mindset sub, and it clearly says

"It is commonly used to manipulate others through guilt, shame or fear, and is damaging to the holder of the mindset by degrading self esteem, self respect, success and happiness."

Yeah. It sounds like me, a lot. I feel bad after being near my friend since he has a very confident aura, and a year back I tried unsuccessfully to vie for attention via pity and manipulation. So now, I don't have the same tools to approach him, nor do I want to use the broken tools.

(I began writing after that, and I realized I'm writing about him to evoke pity from any readers.)

So, that's where I am. "Going back to old ways" is something I'm finally seeing as something I don't want to do.

Shame, fear, and sadness emerged as I wrote that. I'm trying not to abandon myself constantly. They're old tools I'm seeing more lately.

[findingme]

I've been experiencing something recently, and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

I feel like my mind is trying to shut down when I'm home. Maybe it's the sub working on old memories--and I've not had many childhood memories--with feelings--at all. It's like I'll see a memory in my mind, and I exit it quickly. Fear even emerges as I write that. I really blamed myself for the lack of love I received growing up, and I suspect some pain is trying to emerge.

And my conscious mind is trying to hide it from me still. It's like sleep is preferable to feeling and interacting with others. Even work is a nice distraction (at times). I'm wondering if anyone else has felt this too.

Edit: I don't watch TV either. I began watching a movie for 5 minutes today, and I shut it down. Movies used to be a nice escape for me years back (brain goes into veg mode), but it's like feelings are patiently waiting to get out. I'm not even trying to do this; it's just happening.