05-12-2016, 08:09 AM
Watched The Matrix last night and just got some perspective on things. I love that movie and all the concepts within it. It pulled me out of a negative spiral I was heading down towards.
Anyway it just made me really think about my own self imposed limitations and what keeps them in place. I realized my identity is still strongly rooted in feelings of being inferior to others. I don't believe in myself enough. So I do the bare minimum just to get by and stay out of situations that would threaten my already fragile self esteem about myself. I guess I'm starting to realize I really need to be nicer to myself. I know I've thought about it before, but I need to actually start doing it, not just thinking about it. Far too often I just think of all the stuff I'm not doing and struggling with and just use that as fuel for the self hate fire. For whatever reason criticism and judgement comes before self compassion for me. Which is odd because when I interact with other people I focus on acceptance and understanding of their situations, something that's the complete opposite of what I do to myself.
For a long time I idealized confidence as this ultimate goal. But I'm at a point in my life right now where I realize I'd rather be completely ok with being unconfident and forgiving with myself than experiencing high levels of confidence but still being abusive at myself when things go wrong or I make a mistake. Right now my goal is just to be more forgiving of myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Which is going to be a bit odd at first because I constantly feel like I'm undeserving of compassion or I'm not pushing myself hard enough.
Anyway it just made me really think about my own self imposed limitations and what keeps them in place. I realized my identity is still strongly rooted in feelings of being inferior to others. I don't believe in myself enough. So I do the bare minimum just to get by and stay out of situations that would threaten my already fragile self esteem about myself. I guess I'm starting to realize I really need to be nicer to myself. I know I've thought about it before, but I need to actually start doing it, not just thinking about it. Far too often I just think of all the stuff I'm not doing and struggling with and just use that as fuel for the self hate fire. For whatever reason criticism and judgement comes before self compassion for me. Which is odd because when I interact with other people I focus on acceptance and understanding of their situations, something that's the complete opposite of what I do to myself.
For a long time I idealized confidence as this ultimate goal. But I'm at a point in my life right now where I realize I'd rather be completely ok with being unconfident and forgiving with myself than experiencing high levels of confidence but still being abusive at myself when things go wrong or I make a mistake. Right now my goal is just to be more forgiving of myself and learning to be ok with who I am. Which is going to be a bit odd at first because I constantly feel like I'm undeserving of compassion or I'm not pushing myself hard enough.