EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Thought I'd start a new journal entry because my last one was cluttered. After hearing about the effectiveness of OF 4g I thought I'd give it a shot. I've been running EPRHA sub for a while now. Things have gotten a bit better, but the fear is still a strong destructive force in my life. The other thing is it's hard to tell what's old stuff coming up vs just reacting to life circumstances and creating negative stories that I assume are still old negative beliefs. So I figured I might as well experiment with this sub, the worst that happens is I just go back to EPRHA.

When I think about it about 90% of my problems stem around fear. Most of my low self esteem is due to the fact that I struggle with anxiety and have trouble doing things that are simple for other people like holding down a job. And relationships with women, forget it. I've got so much fear of intimacy and letting a person that close. I used to think it was because deep down I didn't like myself, but I think that's just a clever rationalization my mind came up with to avoid fear. I also have serious issues with learning new things or taking up new hobbies because the fear of not being good enough at it fuels a perfectionism that just destroys any enjoyment.

And now on the subject of fear. A lot of people say what's the big deal? Fear isn't real, it's just all in your head get over it. Fear is so hard to deal with because it's a shapeshifter. It lurks and pops out and retreats and destroys your life, sometimes you aren't even aware of the horrible decisions you're making because you are under the impression you're in control. Also the more fear you have about screwing something up or doing it wrong, the more likely that's what happens. You can't ignore it and even if you face it, sometimes it doesn't go away. You just learn how to cope with the fear and get good at doing mental gymnastics to avoid the destructive power of it. And I'd argue that fear is harder for guys to deal with because we've been conditioned to think that we can't show any signs of fear so we stuff it down and it manifests as anger sometimes directed at others or sometimes ourselves.

So what I'm hoping to gain from this sub.

-Remove my agoraphobic tendencies. I'm not awful, but I do have a slight aversion to leaving my home which I'd rather not have.
-Reduce the fear enough to get a good job and stay employed. In the past I eventually quit or sabotage myself so I lose it.
-Reduce my fear around perfection or not being good enough. I make electronic music and I've found my biggest problem is worrying if my music is good enough or if I'm doing things right. It completely kills the creative flow. On top of that I avoid doing the thing I love the most. I'll also rarely ever finish anything and even if I do it's a huge mental strain. I've noticed the most successful people are the ones who aren't afraid to make mistakes and aren't hung up on doing things perfect
- Cut down on some of my more general anxiety. For as long as I can remember I've had this persistent feeling of being screwed in life. Like no matter what I do it's all going to turn out horribly. It's a pretty unpleasant feeling to wake up to in the morning and makes me hate going to sleep at night.
- Open up more with friends and family. I have a huge wall built up. I've never felt like I could get close to people, it's like I'm always keeping them at arms length because I'm afraid of something horrible happening if I open up.
- This one is a big one for me. Finally feeling like I have control over my life and I'm not being manipulated by fear. It's absolutely impossible for me to say I have free will at this point in my life if fear is skewing my perspective on everything. It's like the exact opposite of rose tinted glasses, all you see are potential opportunities for how you can fail or screw up instead of the possibility of something good coming from it.

[maxx55]

Seems like more people are starting to use OF here, which is great! I look forward to seeing your progress! Good luck

[dissonance]

So do you think fear comes before, and is the cause of self-loathing/low-self-esteem?

By the way, the closer to finishing your post I got, the more I was mindboggled, because you literally sound like my doppleganger. I have the exact same problems as you. I've procrastinated getting the part-time job I want, I have a huge wall built up between me and my family because for some reason, I don't want to be close to them, and I put up this closed-off-persona in front of them, and some friends too, except with them, it's a different persona. With them, its an overcompensating persona. Also, I have a lot of agoraphobic tendency as well, which definitely contributed to me putting off getting a job for this long. On top of all that... I make electronic music too!! and I have the exact same perspective and feelings. When I come up with an idea I like, I second guess myself and say, is this really something good, or should i stop working, and work on something new, messing up with the flow. I have a TON of ideas/sketches in my DAW folder, but only a few (very few) actually completed projects. One reason I decided on doing OF is for the music, too, and not fearing whether or not what I make is good or bad, and just MAKING music to practice, because the more I practice the BETTER it will get, and my style will develop more and more. I know this, but my fear of never making something great, or fear of the process of making non-successful songs/tracks and feeling like you're getting nowhere makes me a over-perfectionist, and messes with creative flow, like you said.

For me, I have a few other problems too, like overcompensation or acting like someone who isn't me. But yeah, I can't wait to start this sub. Hopefully Shannon finishes OF 5G soon, because my mom is cutting off funds next year, and I NEED to get that job or I'm screwed.

In a few days, I'm going to start OF 1.1, and start a journal. Cheers.

[Womanizer]

Good luck , it will work. I see the difference already it's been 2 weeks for me.

[Benjamin]

Good luck man. I'll be starting it in 3 weeks or so.

[mat422]

Thanks guys. We'll see what happens. Fingers crossed. I'm ready to go through hell and back if it means getting the freedom I want.

So do you think fear comes before, and is the cause of self-loathing/low-self-esteem?

By the way, the closer to finishing your post I got, the more I was mindboggled, because you literally sound like my doppleganger. I have the exact same problems as you. I've procrastinated getting the part-time job I want, I have a huge wall built up between me and my family because for some reason, I don't want to be close to them, and I put up this closed-off-persona in front of them, and some friends too, except with them, it's a different persona. With them, its an overcompensating persona. Also, I have a lot of agoraphobic tendency as well, which definitely contributed to me putting off getting a job for this long. On top of all that... I make electronic music too!! and I have the exact same perspective and feelings. When I come up with an idea I like, I second guess myself and say, is this really something good, or should i stop working, and work on something new, messing up with the flow. I have a TON of ideas/sketches in my DAW folder, but only a few (very few) actually completed projects. One reason I decided on doing OF is for the music, too, and not fearing whether or not what I make is good or bad, and just MAKING music to practice, because the more I practice the BETTER it will get, and my style will develop more and more. I know this, but my fear of never making something great, or fear of the process of making non-successful songs/tracks and feeling like you're getting nowhere makes me a over-perfectionist, and messes with creative flow, like you said.

For me, I have a few other problems too, like overcompensation or acting like someone who isn't me. But yeah, I can't wait to start this sub. Hopefully Shannon finishes OF 5G soon, because my mom is cutting off funds next year, and I NEED to get that job or I'm screwed.

In a few days, I'm going to start OF 1.1, and start a journal. Cheers.

It's really hard to say. There might be some self esteem issues independent of the fear. But at this point in my life it's more important to address the fear so I can actually survive in life. I can always address the self esteem stuff at a later time. Also I feel like having less fear of people in general and building more relationships will naturally raise my own self esteem. At this point I feel like fear sort of neutralizes any kind of positive interactions I have with people in my life.

There's a ton of people in this world that go through the exact same stuff we do. I've learned through the years that you aren't alone. It always amazes me when two people share such a similar struggle. I think it definitely shows some kind of underlying root cause that can be addressed.

What genre do you make? Or do you experiment in all different types? I'm mainly into drum and bass. I know how tough it is to just finish a track, it's like the more time you spend on it the more the self doubt creeps in. I've got a track I'm working on now that went through 6 revisions, and at this point the song has completely changed and I don't even know if it was for the better haha. I don't know if you can relate to this but I can make a nice 4 or 8 bar loop that sounds like it could be something good, but the closer it gets to actually being a completed song the more the fear sets in. Especially because I compare it to my favorite artists after and it can't even compete with the quality of theirs. Creative struggles sure are a bitch to deal with.

I'll definitely be checking out your journal. Good luck with OF.

[dissonance]

I make house. Starting OF in a few days, can't wait.

Yeah, hard to say. I think fear definitely is interrelated. Not sure if it's the direct cause, but it makes sense that it does.

Came across this article which was interesting though: http://www.getesteem.com/lse-symptoms/emotional.html

[mat422]

I make house. Starting OF in a few days, can't wait.

Yeah, hard to say. I think fear definitely is interrelated. Not sure if it's the direct cause, but it makes sense that it does.

Came across this article which was interesting though: http://www.getesteem.com/lse-symptoms/emotional.html

Cool.

Yeah I've learned when it comes to this stuff analyzing it can just confuse you even more. Sometimes it's better just to experiment and see what works. I ran EPRHA for close to a year and I just kept assuming it would handle everything, but now I'm changing my approach.

In my opinion even though OF is mostly targeting fear, a lot of the statements can also contribute to greater self esteem. But I think if someone were more heavily on the low self esteem side a different sub would be better. I'd say I'm like 75% fear and 25% low self esteem.

[dissonance]

Yeah, me too. Hopefully low-selfesteem is fixed with dissolution of fear. I'm guessing it will have a positive affect on self-esteem though, because self-esteem is related to ego. And ego is related to fear.

[Geodude]

Ironically, OF will negatively impact your self-esteem, at least it did for me. There would be days where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. But all that shit will pass. The resistance is harsh. The real challenge is sticking to 6 months. If you think you're strong enough, 6 months will work wonders.

[dissonance]

Ironically, OF will negatively impact your self-esteem, at least it did for me. There would be days where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. But all that shit will pass. The resistance is harsh. The real challenge is sticking to 6 months. If you think you're strong enough, 6 months will work wonders.

Do you mean the negative self-esteem impact was just resistance? After the subconscious overcame the resistance, your self-esteem skyrocketed right?

[Natious]

Ironically, OF will negatively impact your self-esteem, at least it did for me. There would be days where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. But all that shit will pass. The resistance is harsh. The real challenge is sticking to 6 months. If you think you're strong enough, 6 months will work wonders.

Do you mean the negative self-esteem impact was just resistance? After the subconscious overcame the resistance, your self-esteem skyrocketed right?

It's interesting Geo mentioned that. I started this sub off with a lot of anger for about 3-4 months, now it has been more like sadness and depression. I do think it has something to do with self esteem and feelings of emptiness/loneliness, hope it will lift it's self soon. Like I mentioned in another thread, meditation and grounding techniques help a ton with the resistance.

[mat422]

Ironically, OF will negatively impact your self-esteem, at least it did for me. There would be days where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. But all that shit will pass. The resistance is harsh. The real challenge is sticking to 6 months. If you think you're strong enough, 6 months will work wonders.

Interesting. Maybe it's because I ran EPRHA for a good chunk of time, but I've become very aware of negative thought loops and not getting sucked into those negative emotions.

On the subject of resistance, it's a bit like the bogeyman on this forum. Not directing this at you Geodude, just in general in case others read here. You don't have to battle with resistance and you don't have to treat it as some 500 lb gorilla that overpowers you. Behind resistance is emotions and thoughts. Sit down and ask yourself why you're resisting the sub. Put your ego aside and don't try to think more positive about it. Let your brain run wild, let it insult you, ask for more, don't try to suppress anything. We're bombarded all the time with the message that expression of negative thoughts are bad, so we suppress them or push them away but that makes it worse.

For a long time I convinced myself that because I ran so many subliminals, had done so much self help, that I was beyond negative thinking and I didn't do it. If you sit down with your thoughts and the more negative ones cause you to have a knee jerk reaction where you want to change them or feel bad for having them, you have to spend more time with them. If you find yourself saying "I ran AM6, I'm not supposed to be feeling this way" your ego is preventing the full acceptance of those more negative thoughts. Acceptance isn't about believing those thoughts or getting sucked into them, it's about acknowledging that they exist.

However, those negative thoughts do spawn from the subconscious mind and eventually the subliminals get to the source. But my main point is, if those negative thoughts aren't brought into conscious awareness they reinforce the negative emotion you are trying to heal. It's a bit like having an invisible person kicking the crap out of you. You don't know where the next hit is coming from and you don't know how to guard against it.

And to show that I'm a human with my own flaws. My mind is now telling me that what I wrote is useless information, pointless, and will help nobody. But now that I can see that thought I can choose to accept it as a manifestation of deeper subconscious issues and not get sucked into it.

[mat422]

Little update. I've been hammering my mind with this sub nonstop. I've come to realize that I can tolerate a lot of listening.

So far nothing huge, just small shifts in how I respond to fear. The best way I can describe it is no longer being on autopilot when it comes to anxiety. So instead of a knee jerk reaction that snowballs into worse and worse anxiety, I'm able to step in and interrupt that pattern. It's something I always read about and knew I had to do in order to stop feeding the anxiety, but never could. I'd say the sub programming is doing a good job of teaching my subconscious how to respond to fear. Just goes to show you can read all the books you want on how to overcome anxiety, but if your subconscious is stuck in a panic state it doesn't do any good.

A benefit to this is I don't get caught in that awful cycle of resisting the sub and going nowhere because of fear then beating myself up and feeling worse. I still have my rough moments, especially in the morning when my guard is down and all those anxious thoughts flood in.

I've mentioned it before but I struggle a lot with dissociation. It's a terrible coping mechanism that I learned in childhood and followed me into adulthood. I can kind of feel when I'm starting to check out or avoid unpleasant feelings and bring myself back in now. I'd attribute this to the lessening of fear inside of me and less anxiety. Anxiety is usually the culprit behind dissociation.

A few more things. So far I've been having an easier time with my music. Still some avoidance there, but I haven't been running this sub for that long so it's a good sign. Learned some really valuable lessons about trusting my own instincts when creating and to not try to get everything perfect. Also realized I have a fear of learning new things. Or I should say the process of learning. Now that the fear is being reduced I feel like I can concentrate more and if I don't get a concept I don't get stressed about it.

So far so good. I've noticed I can still be thrown off a bit and slip back into old habits if something really anxiety provoking happens. The main one at the moment is lack of income.