10-05-2016, 12:31 PM
If I had to guess, the clearing modules are attempting to heal my extreme distrust and disdain for women. This morning, I caught my mind dwelling on the 9-month dead bedroom relationship I engaged in (for way too long) back in like... 2008. I became really angry, not just at her, but at myself. Like, wtf was I doing. There was even a time when I coerced sex out of her by overplaying my reaction to a family tragedy. I had a cousin die horribly. But, I'm a cold mofo and didn't really know him -- he was my older siblings' generation. And I moped around the apartment until she decided to sleep with me. And she totally patted herself on the back for it, like she had done something.
This is why I get so annoyed at CatMan for his, "zomg, you're successful with wimmenz" mess. I allowed myself to take a lot of shit from them, to the point that I developed an alter ego that could easily get laid, but only through emotional abuse of myself and my target. It wasn't healthy at all. My favorite kinds of relationships -- whether it ends up as purely sexual or something more -- are the ones that are FUN. Flirting is supposed to be fun and laid back. Where the woman gives just enough push back to make the chase exciting, but never enough to be aggravating or obnoxious. I LOVE those experiences. But I was on a level that only a few people will understand. I was (metaphorically) stalking women like prey, manipulating the shit out of them, banging them and then doing shit like telling their boyfriends, or letting everyone know how much a :ho" they are.
AKA -- A waste of fucking energy.
Right now, I'm in another one of those, "I don't want anything to do with women" attitudes. I keep oscillating between that and going all in, making shit happen with them. So, the clearing modules are cutting deep right now, clearly. Hitting those really personal things, the things that I've allowed define me for far too long.
I hope the estimate that the clearing takes six weeks is true. I'm ready for all this to be come and for reality to bend and conform to a better, brighter paradigm.
This is why I get so annoyed at CatMan for his, "zomg, you're successful with wimmenz" mess. I allowed myself to take a lot of shit from them, to the point that I developed an alter ego that could easily get laid, but only through emotional abuse of myself and my target. It wasn't healthy at all. My favorite kinds of relationships -- whether it ends up as purely sexual or something more -- are the ones that are FUN. Flirting is supposed to be fun and laid back. Where the woman gives just enough push back to make the chase exciting, but never enough to be aggravating or obnoxious. I LOVE those experiences. But I was on a level that only a few people will understand. I was (metaphorically) stalking women like prey, manipulating the shit out of them, banging them and then doing shit like telling their boyfriends, or letting everyone know how much a :ho" they are.
AKA -- A waste of fucking energy.
Right now, I'm in another one of those, "I don't want anything to do with women" attitudes. I keep oscillating between that and going all in, making shit happen with them. So, the clearing modules are cutting deep right now, clearly. Hitting those really personal things, the things that I've allowed define me for far too long.
I hope the estimate that the clearing takes six weeks is true. I'm ready for all this to be come and for reality to bend and conform to a better, brighter paradigm.