10-27-2019, 03:59 PM
Emotions, wow. I learned somewhere many years ago in recovery groups that a good cry felt so good. I hid in them for over 20 years. Then masculine messages got mixed in there, me interpreting them as unmanly and shameful.
But something is clicking (I'm running UMS now). I'm fearing if I don't cry or feel, there'll be no me inside. Who will I be? I say this since I've had this tug of war of emotion in my chest all day long. My fear is that I won't feel and I'll be empty. Blank. Without personality.
(that sounded like fear trying to cloak itself. I'm beginning to see that)
To add to what you wrote in your journal this morning, I've used emotions as "me". Without such emotion, I'd have to.........to be responsible for myself. I'd have to speak, even if people didn't like who I was. Emotions often meant words weren't needed. I have thoughts, but they've not often been so friendly when I'm scared. Being responsible for the scared and angry words.....that'd be....new. I've been avoiding this at work lately. Fear produces anger which produces conflict. I imagine rejection (fear), get defensive (angry words or looks), and incite other's anger (conflict). A much used technique is to laugh it off, but the laughter is nervousness and fear of responsibility for what I just did. Childish thinking, and it's what I use quite a bit. I am afraid since i don't have answers right now. I don't have answers just yet.
But something is clicking (I'm running UMS now). I'm fearing if I don't cry or feel, there'll be no me inside. Who will I be? I say this since I've had this tug of war of emotion in my chest all day long. My fear is that I won't feel and I'll be empty. Blank. Without personality.
(that sounded like fear trying to cloak itself. I'm beginning to see that)
To add to what you wrote in your journal this morning, I've used emotions as "me". Without such emotion, I'd have to.........to be responsible for myself. I'd have to speak, even if people didn't like who I was. Emotions often meant words weren't needed. I have thoughts, but they've not often been so friendly when I'm scared. Being responsible for the scared and angry words.....that'd be....new. I've been avoiding this at work lately. Fear produces anger which produces conflict. I imagine rejection (fear), get defensive (angry words or looks), and incite other's anger (conflict). A much used technique is to laugh it off, but the laughter is nervousness and fear of responsibility for what I just did. Childish thinking, and it's what I use quite a bit. I am afraid since i don't have answers right now. I don't have answers just yet.
I want to be FREE!