day 49
Sleepphones are effective. I woke up sharp, sure and confident, and looked attractive when looking in the mirror.
Yesterday evening neediness seemd to be reduced and weeded out and im calm today. More certain. I dont need her. It doesnt make sense to. Its liberating. Im having an clearer sense of self. Selective. Aswell did read of attraction triggers in females and to what they respond to. It was very enlightening. primal, but enlightening.
Note down that there are defense mechanisms be replaced by ASC/confidence eventually.
Raw feelings are coming up, its an re-occuring theme of neediness that surfaces. I feel as if I am amidst an collapse of some cardhouse. Eventually the sub will win out but this is raw, painfull, depressing, confusing and overwhelming. Lots of crap is coming up and I am wondering how much more there is that will surface. Overal looming sadness, reverting to old ways and feeling stuck again, irrational fears going on. I only want to sleep. One pattern i recognize is an resisting and clinging towards thoughts. fighting thoughts and wanting to feel good. yesterday I had an glimpse as to why this is plain bullshit even and why embracing the negative is tied to confidence. Its like some sort of delusional belief in my head that keeps strifing for preservance or something, while the reality of it al might be an raw ecstacy. It might be the reason that i want to run AM 6.0 soon, it could aswell be an way to avoid this all as otherwise I'm like "keep running the sub as it does " Its getting more clear. stuff is cleared out, and the sub may push me in unexpected directions. Like this overwhelming risk taking and flow. its all shreds really thats going on now. The sub will kill it all off. It makes it all surface and face over again until it is dealt with, like full in my face and intense, to lose its power afterwards and let it go like an balloon. The re-experience and giving new options, subtle and not so subtle. Bit like tidal waves. Its what it is.
Im in an massive conflict right now. It feels really dragging and endless. really, all seems purposeless at this point and yet parts of me keep clinging. Im also playing this all down it seems. massive resistance.
Edit: Im seeing now how much this nice guy patterns dont make sense at all. I see them surface as just that, crap. Could be because im getting slightly anti-social, but whats the point in being all nice and shit? It doesnt make sense and all, im slowly dissolving it. The raw nature of seks and being honest to one self. Why giving so much a shit about it? I had several glimpses before. It feels this confidence, this sense is covered or something. I want to break through these nice guy patterns. I dont care.
For those watching vampire diaries or heard about it ; its an bit like shutting off your humanity switch. which brings me to an commanding and dominating attitude which ties in all of this. Not to say I may have turned 180 degrees in about an month or so again. Its more solid.
Edit 2: eventually the sub will break through no matter what, like now. It doesnt make sense to have people always like you. to give up your space because of it shows no character. It doesnt matter. next. ASC replaces, weeds out, brings up and resolves. It will turn out okay afterwards no matter how dark it gets. It definitely polarizes and make one ascent above it eventually. An deeper secure sense of self. Remember, you will outgrow them eventually. these experiences are experiences. The sub will cover this. keep going/listening. peoples opinions dont matter. wanting to be liked comes from an needy mindset. Fuck that. be hated! Disliked. laugh at it. go into it for fun and giggles. tension and smirk.
I even hear mysteries voice in my head now ; "It doesnt matter"| Its the value one places at other peoples opinions. How much one gets affected by it. Makes sense. I have an no care abundance mindsdet now and am shifted into being okay with it.
Off to work.
Sleepphones are effective. I woke up sharp, sure and confident, and looked attractive when looking in the mirror.
Yesterday evening neediness seemd to be reduced and weeded out and im calm today. More certain. I dont need her. It doesnt make sense to. Its liberating. Im having an clearer sense of self. Selective. Aswell did read of attraction triggers in females and to what they respond to. It was very enlightening. primal, but enlightening.
Note down that there are defense mechanisms be replaced by ASC/confidence eventually.
Raw feelings are coming up, its an re-occuring theme of neediness that surfaces. I feel as if I am amidst an collapse of some cardhouse. Eventually the sub will win out but this is raw, painfull, depressing, confusing and overwhelming. Lots of crap is coming up and I am wondering how much more there is that will surface. Overal looming sadness, reverting to old ways and feeling stuck again, irrational fears going on. I only want to sleep. One pattern i recognize is an resisting and clinging towards thoughts. fighting thoughts and wanting to feel good. yesterday I had an glimpse as to why this is plain bullshit even and why embracing the negative is tied to confidence. Its like some sort of delusional belief in my head that keeps strifing for preservance or something, while the reality of it al might be an raw ecstacy. It might be the reason that i want to run AM 6.0 soon, it could aswell be an way to avoid this all as otherwise I'm like "keep running the sub as it does " Its getting more clear. stuff is cleared out, and the sub may push me in unexpected directions. Like this overwhelming risk taking and flow. its all shreds really thats going on now. The sub will kill it all off. It makes it all surface and face over again until it is dealt with, like full in my face and intense, to lose its power afterwards and let it go like an balloon. The re-experience and giving new options, subtle and not so subtle. Bit like tidal waves. Its what it is.
Im in an massive conflict right now. It feels really dragging and endless. really, all seems purposeless at this point and yet parts of me keep clinging. Im also playing this all down it seems. massive resistance.
Edit: Im seeing now how much this nice guy patterns dont make sense at all. I see them surface as just that, crap. Could be because im getting slightly anti-social, but whats the point in being all nice and shit? It doesnt make sense and all, im slowly dissolving it. The raw nature of seks and being honest to one self. Why giving so much a shit about it? I had several glimpses before. It feels this confidence, this sense is covered or something. I want to break through these nice guy patterns. I dont care.
For those watching vampire diaries or heard about it ; its an bit like shutting off your humanity switch. which brings me to an commanding and dominating attitude which ties in all of this. Not to say I may have turned 180 degrees in about an month or so again. Its more solid.
Edit 2: eventually the sub will break through no matter what, like now. It doesnt make sense to have people always like you. to give up your space because of it shows no character. It doesnt matter. next. ASC replaces, weeds out, brings up and resolves. It will turn out okay afterwards no matter how dark it gets. It definitely polarizes and make one ascent above it eventually. An deeper secure sense of self. Remember, you will outgrow them eventually. these experiences are experiences. The sub will cover this. keep going/listening. peoples opinions dont matter. wanting to be liked comes from an needy mindset. Fuck that. be hated! Disliked. laugh at it. go into it for fun and giggles. tension and smirk.
I even hear mysteries voice in my head now ; "It doesnt matter"| Its the value one places at other peoples opinions. How much one gets affected by it. Makes sense. I have an no care abundance mindsdet now and am shifted into being okay with it.
Off to work.