day 16
DAMN I was in a LOT of fear today, actively facing some intense fears which I'm glad I faced.
So there was this valentine's sweetheart auction today, where people were auctioned off and the audience (approx 80 ppl) could bid on the person being auctioned. Old feelings of undeservedness, self loathing, lack of self confidence and self worth, ALL came to the forefront and I almost left the building out of the fear of judgement, not being good enough, etc. i'm pretty sure I was feeling those emotions out of fear tied with guilt and shame from the past. so anyway, my name was called up and as i was walking up to the stage, i hear girls screaming my name from the audience and that kinda eased my emotions. the bid got to $35, and it f****ed me up that only guys bid for me. it was so freaking awkward, i immediately wanted to leave, but i stayed because all the money was being raised for a good cause anyway.
I had to sit in some pretty debilitating fear today and it SUCKED! But i'm super glad I got to experience that shit because now i'm really aware of the magnitude of my guilt shame and fear issues. there is a lot of work to do =/
DAMN I was in a LOT of fear today, actively facing some intense fears which I'm glad I faced.
So there was this valentine's sweetheart auction today, where people were auctioned off and the audience (approx 80 ppl) could bid on the person being auctioned. Old feelings of undeservedness, self loathing, lack of self confidence and self worth, ALL came to the forefront and I almost left the building out of the fear of judgement, not being good enough, etc. i'm pretty sure I was feeling those emotions out of fear tied with guilt and shame from the past. so anyway, my name was called up and as i was walking up to the stage, i hear girls screaming my name from the audience and that kinda eased my emotions. the bid got to $35, and it f****ed me up that only guys bid for me. it was so freaking awkward, i immediately wanted to leave, but i stayed because all the money was being raised for a good cause anyway.
I had to sit in some pretty debilitating fear today and it SUCKED! But i'm super glad I got to experience that shit because now i'm really aware of the magnitude of my guilt shame and fear issues. there is a lot of work to do =/
