ASC 5g journal

[Kol]

Day 32

The last few days i notice an increase in focus and drive. Im getting even more confident then i was before. What used to cause tension and anxiety is pretty much gone. Im getting waves of wanting to approach people even more strongly. It feels very automatic. Im getting more in an active position instead of mere bystander. each limit is seen as something that can be overcome and shoudl be tested.
Im pretty sure im turning into an approach machine.

Plans are formed in my mind but nothing concrete in terms of jobs. wearing suits is appealing. I notice how people respond different to me in conversation. I hold eye contact even longer which is interesting. My bodylanguage is open and I tried to see if I could take on an close posture but this didnt work.

Im beginning to fall in acceptance, an trust in ASC. I dont have to prove myself any longer i can hold eye contact with people, it just happens naturally and autmatically. I naturally establish dominance but not in an loud kind of way. Its my presence, my being.
When I went to the gasstation, some guys which I clasify as typical around here, which used to somehow cause an reaction in me, looked directly away, i was absolutely solid. Conversations go even more fluid.

Sexuality is affected. Im my first post I wrote how the sub seems to cause an reduction in interest in girls, porn and sex in general and throws it back on myself. I notice one moment i can be very attracted and basically am "whatever, i will take you both" while the next moment it just doesnt do it for me, even to the point of strong dislike in an cocky way and shutted down disinterest. This involves an strong eye gazing aswell, an sort of lock trance kind of thing.

I have images in my head pop up about owning the place and inviting myself in, in places. being the top dog, the alpha. Being the one setting the frame and owning, being the dominant one in an natural way. connecting, leader of man, that kind of stuff. Its in an bar aswell, or atleast the setting is like that.


Im thinking back to where I came from and how much I have changed. I used to fall into other peoples frames till the point of suffering out of surviving, which eventually led to breakdown. Now, ASC corrects me, it attacks those former situations and pushes me right on the spot, causing an aggressive response inside towards such damaging patterns.

I chatted up with an old friend. I also have an 10 year plan in mind but its nothing concrete yet.

Another thing I notice is that I feel light, as in, less garbage, which seem to be an effect through clearing the subconscious by the sub.

Day 33

Today is day 33. I had lots of dreams which i still sense but cannot recall. I woke up multiple times with my earbuds out and listened to trickling stream. Im driven, like solid and foussed.

I have also been in the situation of falling into other people's frame all the time, and even loosing my own frame, I don't even know if I have one. I decided to go back to ASC as my confidence is so damn low and my trust for my own ideas is basically zero. However I'm becoming some kind of disrespectful douche, which compares to my old self was a happy uncaring dude. Did you experience this? Is this the way that boundaries are shaped?

It took some time for me to have an frame as I had almost none. Now its solid. Boundaries came more from inside as far as I recall, an sense of "no more"but without any fear, you will know when this happens. I have had moments of getting more antisocial, becoming cocky, arrogant, laughing at things. Its all part of the sub. ASC has made me voice myself instead of hesitating, as since yesterday i have an growing sense of continueing momentum and that all is important, only to flow more unbroken. Thoughtless action.