BASE - Journey Into Cinema

[Shannon]

day 15

[snip]

so this fear destruction has gotten me a bit cocky by removing some of my defense mechanisms. yesterday, i took a big cup of my kombucha that i had been brewing that i should have thought TWICE about since it has a bit of alcohol in it. it turns out it had a LOT MORE alcohol in it than i thought, and i was playing with FIRE because i drank the whole thing and started feeling a bit loopy. I should have showed a healthy fear that it is going to trigger my alcoholism and have dumped it out after i tasted it, but i drank the whole cup. and then proceeded to spend the next two hours obsessing over what i had just done and wanting to drink more, so i dumped the rest of my kombucha out. PHEW. that was a close call, i was pretty close to throwing away 14 months of sobriety down the drain. but all in all, i think it was a necessary event. who knows, maybe a month down the line when i'm in my own house, and after having listened to OF5g for 40 days, i would have not had the support of sober people around me and i might really have thrown away the 14 months. who knows...

[snip]

If you had a problem with alcohol in the past, why would you be brewing anything with any alcohol at all in it? That sounds to me like a sneaky way your subconscious was trying to do exactly what happened.

But ultimately, you did the right thing. You transferred the processing of safety to the rational mind, which made the right choice regardless of emotional desire to do otherwise.