Things took a turn for the worst these past few days. I'm back to procrastinating a lot on stuff and dealing with a ton of anxiety. Which happens. There's a lot of ups and downs when it comes to self growth. But it got me thinking about how my standards are just way too high for myself and that's part of the reason why I've got so much anxiety around the creative process.
It's this all or nothing thinking that brings me down a lot. So I'll make a track and it's alright, nothing that great but I sort of enjoy it. Compare it to one of my favorite artists and immediately my track just sounds like garbage. It's like I'm incapable of giving myself any validation for actually finishing a song or putting something together. It's either amazing or it's worthless. This pretty much creates the mentality of "if I can't make anything good, why bother?" But I have to fight through it and create anyway because I know I do enjoy music.
Maybe that's where the fear is coming from. I'm so afraid of the finished product because it rarely ever measures up to what I want it to be, so I avoid finishing something to avoid that feeling.
Dammit. I'm gonna be flip flopping on the self esteem vs fear thing here, but I'm considering going back to EHPRA.
Screw it. I'm going back to EHRPA. Now my journal title is inaccurate.
Anyway nobody wants to admit they've got low self worth, but I guess I'm still struggling with that a lot and it would be better for me to address that instead of fear. Fear sucks, but I'm starting to see that fear is always around when my self worth as a person is threatened. And if I had high self worth to begin with I don't think I would have fear.
It's this all or nothing thinking that brings me down a lot. So I'll make a track and it's alright, nothing that great but I sort of enjoy it. Compare it to one of my favorite artists and immediately my track just sounds like garbage. It's like I'm incapable of giving myself any validation for actually finishing a song or putting something together. It's either amazing or it's worthless. This pretty much creates the mentality of "if I can't make anything good, why bother?" But I have to fight through it and create anyway because I know I do enjoy music.
Maybe that's where the fear is coming from. I'm so afraid of the finished product because it rarely ever measures up to what I want it to be, so I avoid finishing something to avoid that feeling.
Dammit. I'm gonna be flip flopping on the self esteem vs fear thing here, but I'm considering going back to EHPRA.
Screw it. I'm going back to EHRPA. Now my journal title is inaccurate.
Anyway nobody wants to admit they've got low self worth, but I guess I'm still struggling with that a lot and it would be better for me to address that instead of fear. Fear sucks, but I'm starting to see that fear is always around when my self worth as a person is threatened. And if I had high self worth to begin with I don't think I would have fear.
