journal de la dissonance

[mat422]

Decent! I got out of my rut actually. It was just for a few months where I was really down that messed with it, mostly because of sleeping issues. Also the OF helped a bit so far too. I see improvements. What about you?

Nice, good to hear. I'm also seeing improvements. Overall it's been a lot easier to just work on a track and not procrastinate. It used to feel like work, but now with the fear lessened I'm not so caught up in making bad tracks or doing things wrong and it's freed up my creativity.

Just read some of your journal, it seems like we're going through a similar process while listening to OF. It also seems like I'm fighting a battle with my old self vs new self. It's interesting though because the more I run this program the more I realize the old self is really the new self that came about because of negative events in my life and closing off. So in a way we're actually going back to our old authentic selves, before life circumstances screwed us up a bit.

Very interesting take on the conflict of our two selves during this process.

This is exactly what I experienced throughout SM3.

Half of me would buy-in to the script's propaganda to get me back to the normal self before all the hurts etc. closed me off to girls and sex. But, the other half would be looking to my results in real-life, and comparing it to the script's words and saying "hmm, well I don't think this is possible based off how things have gone in the past." So, I'd have this back and forth conflict while the "new" version of me was trying to assert itself. As a result, I never really believed the sub would be able to work.

It was like a cognitive dissonance the entire time. I could never get behind the script and really believe it was possible due to my experience so far being so polar opposite I guess. And maybe having a lot of fear, no feeling of deservedness with girls and sex, negativity and maybe even some resentment built up about girls and sex further chaining things down.

I just really resonated with your point about the two selves battling, and how it isn't a "new" self attempting to take over. Just the one that was there before the garbage ruined it. Great post.

Thanks. Yeah I think an important part in the journey to self improvement is accepting yourself. It's the key thing I left out for a while. I'd keep trying to push and push to be something else, like this fictional character free of flaws. But that was just a subtle form of rejection of my authentic self. As long as I stuffed that part away I could never have a strong foundation to build upon. We can always improve ourselves but it has to come from a position of empowerment and not from a position of fear and shame of who we are.