journal de la dissonance

[dissonance]

It's strange, it's like my subconscious keeps going back to my old self. Or maybe my old self is the self that is not overcompensating, and that is the real me. I don't know, just gotta keep doing this sub, until aspects of negative ego that cause me to "try" to be someone who I'm not, go away, and I'm left with who I truly am. Or maybe this is all null, and I truly can be whoever I want to be. I just don't fucking know, let's see what happens in time...

[dissonance]

Hahaha the lego is still going strong, I changed mine back after you noticed but others have taken up the good fight!

lol yep =]

[dissonance]

Fears & second guessing myself are going up as well as neediness too, and confidence & self-esteem are going down. Resistance may be happening!!! buckle up..

[dissonance]

Really making myself question who I am, and what my true personality is, and what is just a mask or persona that I put on as overcompensation.

[dissonance]

The second half of today, I felt great about myself though. Ordered food at this burger shop a lot more confidently than the past, with a really cute cashier. Strange, it's such a rollercoaster.

[mat422]

Just read some of your journal, it seems like we're going through a similar process while listening to OF. It also seems like I'm fighting a battle with my old self vs new self. It's interesting though because the more I run this program the more I realize the old self is really the new self that came about because of negative events in my life and closing off. So in a way we're actually going back to our old authentic selves, before life circumstances screwed us up a bit.

Also how's the music going?

[dissonance]

Decent! I got out of my rut actually. It was just for a few months where I was really down that messed with it, mostly because of sleeping issues. Also the OF helped a bit so far too. I see improvements. What about you?

[CatMan]

Just read some of your journal, it seems like we're going through a similar process while listening to OF. It also seems like I'm fighting a battle with my old self vs new self. It's interesting though because the more I run this program the more I realize the old self is really the new self that came about because of negative events in my life and closing off. So in a way we're actually going back to our old authentic selves, before life circumstances screwed us up a bit.

Very interesting take on the conflict of our two selves during this process.

This is exactly what I experienced throughout SM3.

Half of me would buy-in to the script's propaganda to get me back to the normal self before all the hurts etc. closed me off to girls and sex. But, the other half would be looking to my results in real-life, and comparing it to the script's words and saying "hmm, well I don't think this is possible based off how things have gone in the past." So, I'd have this back and forth conflict while the "new" version of me was trying to assert itself. As a result, I never really believed the sub would be able to work.

It was like a cognitive dissonance the entire time. I could never get behind the script and really believe it was possible due to my experience so far being so polar opposite I guess. And maybe having a lot of fear, no feeling of deservedness with girls and sex, negativity and maybe even some resentment built up about girls and sex further chaining things down.

I just really resonated with your point about the two selves battling, and how it isn't a "new" self attempting to take over. Just the one that was there before the garbage ruined it. Great post.

[mat422]

Decent! I got out of my rut actually. It was just for a few months where I was really down that messed with it, mostly because of sleeping issues. Also the OF helped a bit so far too. I see improvements. What about you?

Nice, good to hear. I'm also seeing improvements. Overall it's been a lot easier to just work on a track and not procrastinate. It used to feel like work, but now with the fear lessened I'm not so caught up in making bad tracks or doing things wrong and it's freed up my creativity.

Just read some of your journal, it seems like we're going through a similar process while listening to OF. It also seems like I'm fighting a battle with my old self vs new self. It's interesting though because the more I run this program the more I realize the old self is really the new self that came about because of negative events in my life and closing off. So in a way we're actually going back to our old authentic selves, before life circumstances screwed us up a bit.

Very interesting take on the conflict of our two selves during this process.

This is exactly what I experienced throughout SM3.

Half of me would buy-in to the script's propaganda to get me back to the normal self before all the hurts etc. closed me off to girls and sex. But, the other half would be looking to my results in real-life, and comparing it to the script's words and saying "hmm, well I don't think this is possible based off how things have gone in the past." So, I'd have this back and forth conflict while the "new" version of me was trying to assert itself. As a result, I never really believed the sub would be able to work.

It was like a cognitive dissonance the entire time. I could never get behind the script and really believe it was possible due to my experience so far being so polar opposite I guess. And maybe having a lot of fear, no feeling of deservedness with girls and sex, negativity and maybe even some resentment built up about girls and sex further chaining things down.

I just really resonated with your point about the two selves battling, and how it isn't a "new" self attempting to take over. Just the one that was there before the garbage ruined it. Great post.

Thanks. Yeah I think an important part in the journey to self improvement is accepting yourself. It's the key thing I left out for a while. I'd keep trying to push and push to be something else, like this fictional character free of flaws. But that was just a subtle form of rejection of my authentic self. As long as I stuffed that part away I could never have a strong foundation to build upon. We can always improve ourselves but it has to come from a position of empowerment and not from a position of fear and shame of who we are.

[Natious]

I can relate to almost everything that has been said here. Realized yesterday that I've actually been afraid of a lot of things from the first year of school. OF seems to be finally getting through a thick wall. This sub gives so much self awareness in my opinion.

[dissonance]

Had a very intense dream last night:

Was having a steak dinner with family. It was time to pay (payment was before the meal for some reason). I don't have a usable card, so my bro angrily and condescendingly uses his card. We go to the table with the rest of relatives and I'm so angry that i put on this speech and monologue that makes him look like an asshole and bitch. I remember saying things like "it wasn't just what he said, but his tone, and attitude toward me", and everyone saw that he was a cunt. But then afterwards, I went over and hugged him and said but I love you, which I've never done ever since I was a kid. Everyone is shocked and emotional and is leaving, except for the only person who is younger than me, who is my cousin named Ryan, and he just comes up to me and says "is there more steak"? I find that hilarious, and look over to my other cousin, who is still sitting there, and i notice he is very serious and emotional like everyone else, and then i start hysterically at Ryan's "don't give a fuck" reaction to everything that just happened, just wanting more steak. Then my brother is humbled and thanks me for it all, but tries to give me a rebuttal or something like that containing some of his advice, which I don't really pay attention to for some reason. I think maybe it's because I think what he is saying is advice meant for sheep and people who settle for less and play it safe. So I sort of brush it off and woke up right there, 3 minutes before my alarm clock.

[dissonance]

I had a couple experiences in the past few days where I normally would have felt terribly depressed right now. What happened was I fapped two days in a row, and both were in a very (previously) would-have-been-self-esteem destroying activity, which was phone sex. It was my first time doing it with a girl I met through a chat site. And then yesterday, we sort of "broke up", and she decided to stop going to the chat site because it was confusing for her. Anyways, normally, today I would have felt crazy depressed and stuff, and self-esteem totally down the drain. However, I really don't feel that bad. I just feel a little bit down, and still able to somewhat enjoy the day, and feel "good" & positive about myself. Not sure if it's OF 1.1, or AM6's execution/engrainment.

[dissonance]

My tendency to overcompensate is lowering everyday. It's a lot easier for me to be friendly and courteous and put on a welcoming, opening facial expression and also SMILE!! This sub is loosening me up inside a lot, and it's only been a little over two weeks. No severe long bouts of resistance yet (though I did have some turbulent moments and days). Awesome stuff so far.

[dissonance]

Fear of emotional bonding with family is still strong though. Thanksgiving dinner was an utter chore.