03-08-2011, 09:19 AM
I don't know if it's too soon to be seeing results from stage 3 but I felt the need to write this down before I forgot. I think it's pulling up a lot and making me really think about my past. I had really low self esteem during my high school days and combined with anxiety I was just a mess. It wasn't uncommon for me to think about death, I never contemplated actually commuting suicide but it would be a lie to say that the thought of death never crossed my mind at some point.
Anyway I never felt deserving of anything, I didn't think I was good enough to hang out with some of my friends, I had false perceptions that really clouded my judgement. It wasn't true, but it was one of those things where someone could shove the evidence right in front of my face for why I was wrong and I still wouldn't feel any better.
Now I'm realizing I did live a really tough life during those times, mentally at least. But it's also making me realize how much work I still have to do with regards to my negative beliefs. I still in some ways don't feel deserving of friends and its one of those things that aren't conscious. It's just a feeling that trumps all logic and it sucks.
I guess over the years I internalized a lot of stuff that made me believe nobody liked me, so when they did it felt wrong and I just couldn't accept it. It's easy to say to yourself that you deserve something, but it just feels like a lie if you don't feel it and I guess that's what I'm struggling with a little now.
The difference is it's not causing me depression, but it just feels more like a block that prevents me from experiencing life as much as I should. Since starting this subliminal it has really made me aware of how much stuff I've had to endure in my life from a psychological standpoint. I thought I got over it, but I think I just buried it to a subconscious level to protect myself. I never dreamed in a million years that a subliminal could actually do anything beyond placebo. But lately I've been a lot happier for no reason, and for me that's a huge relief because being happy wasn't something that came naturally to me.
I just hope in the future more research is invested in the subconscious mind and methods to help people.
Anyway I never felt deserving of anything, I didn't think I was good enough to hang out with some of my friends, I had false perceptions that really clouded my judgement. It wasn't true, but it was one of those things where someone could shove the evidence right in front of my face for why I was wrong and I still wouldn't feel any better.
Now I'm realizing I did live a really tough life during those times, mentally at least. But it's also making me realize how much work I still have to do with regards to my negative beliefs. I still in some ways don't feel deserving of friends and its one of those things that aren't conscious. It's just a feeling that trumps all logic and it sucks.
I guess over the years I internalized a lot of stuff that made me believe nobody liked me, so when they did it felt wrong and I just couldn't accept it. It's easy to say to yourself that you deserve something, but it just feels like a lie if you don't feel it and I guess that's what I'm struggling with a little now.
The difference is it's not causing me depression, but it just feels more like a block that prevents me from experiencing life as much as I should. Since starting this subliminal it has really made me aware of how much stuff I've had to endure in my life from a psychological standpoint. I thought I got over it, but I think I just buried it to a subconscious level to protect myself. I never dreamed in a million years that a subliminal could actually do anything beyond placebo. But lately I've been a lot happier for no reason, and for me that's a huge relief because being happy wasn't something that came naturally to me.
I just hope in the future more research is invested in the subconscious mind and methods to help people.