11-08-2015, 05:21 AM
Occasionally I smoke a doobie and because my tolerance is low, I need to be careful how much I have, otherwise I get mega anxiety, paranoia and fearful.
Last night for example, I went to sit outside as I can see all in the distance all around me, and there was a lot of fire works. Outside my place is quite open and there are many hidden trees, bushes and crooks and grannies.
So I was sitting outside smoking and I started realizing I am pretty high and it is like I didn't realize how high I got. Then one thought leads to another and before you know it I am getting pretty fearful and paranoid. I started thinking that someone could come out of the bushes and kill me. A tiger could just be watching me right now ready to pounce. At one point I was even imagining dinosaurs coming out and eating me and actually feeling the fear.
I had a voice inside me screaming at me...GO INSIDE, GO INSIDE, IT IS SAFER TO GO INSIDE!
Over and over again this voice was screaming at me whilst I was feeling this fear. I knew that this was fear. All my senses became heightened to the max, I became animal like. I started feeling like a cave man out in the wild and fears kicking in to protect me from wild animals that can hunt and kill me.
I was feeling like a cave man, and feeling primal fears that are meant to protect me from danger. I was having a war inside of myself, making myself stay and feel this fear without giving in to my fears and running away to go inside my house.
The feelings where real, strong and I really felt my life was in danger. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I was looking 360 degrees around me, continuously, so I can be aware of any danger when it does happen.
I was feeling the fear and being with it, feeling the primal fears and being at one with my primitive self, for a ridicules amount of time.
Eventually by my own choice, not my fears, I went inside.
And in my kitchen I have lots of windows and all the lights where on and I could not see outside, so I started feeling really paranoid that there people outside watching me and I can not see them. I felt open, vulnerable and very very uncomfortable. I knew this was fear so I held my ground and started getting these voices in my head screaming at me, get the fuck out of here! Your exposed, people can see you, this is dangerous! Turn the lights off! Get out of this room, so no one can see you!
I just stood my ground, felt the fear and just stood there wide open, vulnerable and open for attack of someone sniping me through my windows.
It is a very strange feeling to feel fear, as in your life is in danger and just being with it. It is a very surreal feeling. It felt like I was going against my primal fears. I felt fearful but consciously in control.
At one point outside, I was closing my eyes and had my hands stretched out to my sides, and it intensified the fears loads, but I was just being with it, whilst every worse case scenarios was playing through my mind one after the other, screaming at me to stop it.
You want to know what is weird. The voice that was screaming at me, was my own voice!
I think that says a lot in and of its self.
Last night for example, I went to sit outside as I can see all in the distance all around me, and there was a lot of fire works. Outside my place is quite open and there are many hidden trees, bushes and crooks and grannies.
So I was sitting outside smoking and I started realizing I am pretty high and it is like I didn't realize how high I got. Then one thought leads to another and before you know it I am getting pretty fearful and paranoid. I started thinking that someone could come out of the bushes and kill me. A tiger could just be watching me right now ready to pounce. At one point I was even imagining dinosaurs coming out and eating me and actually feeling the fear.
I had a voice inside me screaming at me...GO INSIDE, GO INSIDE, IT IS SAFER TO GO INSIDE!
Over and over again this voice was screaming at me whilst I was feeling this fear. I knew that this was fear. All my senses became heightened to the max, I became animal like. I started feeling like a cave man out in the wild and fears kicking in to protect me from wild animals that can hunt and kill me.
I was feeling like a cave man, and feeling primal fears that are meant to protect me from danger. I was having a war inside of myself, making myself stay and feel this fear without giving in to my fears and running away to go inside my house.
The feelings where real, strong and I really felt my life was in danger. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I was looking 360 degrees around me, continuously, so I can be aware of any danger when it does happen.
I was feeling the fear and being with it, feeling the primal fears and being at one with my primitive self, for a ridicules amount of time.
Eventually by my own choice, not my fears, I went inside.
And in my kitchen I have lots of windows and all the lights where on and I could not see outside, so I started feeling really paranoid that there people outside watching me and I can not see them. I felt open, vulnerable and very very uncomfortable. I knew this was fear so I held my ground and started getting these voices in my head screaming at me, get the fuck out of here! Your exposed, people can see you, this is dangerous! Turn the lights off! Get out of this room, so no one can see you!
I just stood my ground, felt the fear and just stood there wide open, vulnerable and open for attack of someone sniping me through my windows.
It is a very strange feeling to feel fear, as in your life is in danger and just being with it. It is a very surreal feeling. It felt like I was going against my primal fears. I felt fearful but consciously in control.
At one point outside, I was closing my eyes and had my hands stretched out to my sides, and it intensified the fears loads, but I was just being with it, whilst every worse case scenarios was playing through my mind one after the other, screaming at me to stop it.
You want to know what is weird. The voice that was screaming at me, was my own voice!
I think that says a lot in and of its self.
