@ Jackie
I can fully relate with what you said, and I can tell you that it has to do with having low self esteem and being prone on thinking that other people have more value over you. We do have the ability to control how we react and feel all the time, but when a negative situation rises having a certain emotion about it is inevitable, and it mostly depends how quickly we can calm ourselves from that emotion, and take charge again.
Among the many beliefs, I was raised with the belief that I wasn’t good as I simply were/am, I had to be or do something for it to accomplish that so it’s not hard for me to think that other people outside of myself are somehow more important than myself and when a negative situation arises I’m more prone to think that the person causing the situation has more value than myself which causes the emotional response to be much stronger.
It’s actually pretty straightforward, if a bum on the streets would yell at you and called you names, it wouldn’t impact you as much as it would from someone you value. And if you value and think highly of everyone outside of you. Yes, then it can be a real struggle. The more value you put into yourself, the less value you put onto others, and the better you can handle the situation in the moment (because a person who has plenty of self esteem will not hold back so much or be affected by the emotional discharge) without unleashing all sorts of psychological theories and insights and spending a lot of time and energy into dissecting the situation afterwards.
It also helps knowing that people are essentially all selfish (for a lack of a better word) bastards, and that we as humans only dive into situations and deals that we expect to walk out of feeling more valuable or give us the ability to gain more status afterwards, or get or refrain from/into deals that give us a better chance of survival. It's just business, psychological trade. We always unconsciously ask ourselves "What's in it for me?" when a new situation arises.
But if you're trained into believing you're not worth much and that it's supposedly rewarding to put yourself aside so you can "sacrifice" yourself for others (with the hope that your time will come), the reward is that you at least don't have to deal with the inconvenience of feeling guilt or the shame into thinking that someone might find you selfish when you do spend more time and effort in getting your own (selfish) needs met. Which makes it a better deal for you, although you still feel bad, because in the end it's still remains a bad deal. Also when you think less of yourself you believe that you don't deserve good deals.
I believed that if I would start getting my own needs met that people wouldn't like me and eventually abandon me if I didn't cater to them or didn't acted nice to them. The silly thing is, it turns out that those people only were there when they could use me, but it didn't had anything to do with who I was as a person. I mean how wonderful is it to spend time with people that have no real preferences, has no backbone and comes across as insincere? And since you're not being honest towards yourself and others, how can they truly like you for who you really are? Really, it's ok to be selfish.
The funny thing is if people do give you the impression that you're being too selfish and try to shame or guilt trip you about it, they're basically saying that you should be less selfish, so that they can be more selfish themselves. Brilliant how that works
As a suggestion, you may want to look into the Extreme Self Esteem subliminal. And I'm not sure if you're a fan of Abraham Hicks, but even if you're not I think you can relate to the following and perhaps gain some more insight from it:
Anxiety, Guilt and Selfish Behavior (1/2) - Abraham Hicks 2005
Anxiety, Guilt and Selfish Behavior (2/2) - Abraham Hicks 2005
I can fully relate with what you said, and I can tell you that it has to do with having low self esteem and being prone on thinking that other people have more value over you. We do have the ability to control how we react and feel all the time, but when a negative situation rises having a certain emotion about it is inevitable, and it mostly depends how quickly we can calm ourselves from that emotion, and take charge again.
Among the many beliefs, I was raised with the belief that I wasn’t good as I simply were/am, I had to be or do something for it to accomplish that so it’s not hard for me to think that other people outside of myself are somehow more important than myself and when a negative situation arises I’m more prone to think that the person causing the situation has more value than myself which causes the emotional response to be much stronger.
It’s actually pretty straightforward, if a bum on the streets would yell at you and called you names, it wouldn’t impact you as much as it would from someone you value. And if you value and think highly of everyone outside of you. Yes, then it can be a real struggle. The more value you put into yourself, the less value you put onto others, and the better you can handle the situation in the moment (because a person who has plenty of self esteem will not hold back so much or be affected by the emotional discharge) without unleashing all sorts of psychological theories and insights and spending a lot of time and energy into dissecting the situation afterwards.
It also helps knowing that people are essentially all selfish (for a lack of a better word) bastards, and that we as humans only dive into situations and deals that we expect to walk out of feeling more valuable or give us the ability to gain more status afterwards, or get or refrain from/into deals that give us a better chance of survival. It's just business, psychological trade. We always unconsciously ask ourselves "What's in it for me?" when a new situation arises.
But if you're trained into believing you're not worth much and that it's supposedly rewarding to put yourself aside so you can "sacrifice" yourself for others (with the hope that your time will come), the reward is that you at least don't have to deal with the inconvenience of feeling guilt or the shame into thinking that someone might find you selfish when you do spend more time and effort in getting your own (selfish) needs met. Which makes it a better deal for you, although you still feel bad, because in the end it's still remains a bad deal. Also when you think less of yourself you believe that you don't deserve good deals.
I believed that if I would start getting my own needs met that people wouldn't like me and eventually abandon me if I didn't cater to them or didn't acted nice to them. The silly thing is, it turns out that those people only were there when they could use me, but it didn't had anything to do with who I was as a person. I mean how wonderful is it to spend time with people that have no real preferences, has no backbone and comes across as insincere? And since you're not being honest towards yourself and others, how can they truly like you for who you really are? Really, it's ok to be selfish.
The funny thing is if people do give you the impression that you're being too selfish and try to shame or guilt trip you about it, they're basically saying that you should be less selfish, so that they can be more selfish themselves. Brilliant how that works
As a suggestion, you may want to look into the Extreme Self Esteem subliminal. And I'm not sure if you're a fan of Abraham Hicks, but even if you're not I think you can relate to the following and perhaps gain some more insight from it:
Anxiety, Guilt and Selfish Behavior (1/2) - Abraham Hicks 2005
Anxiety, Guilt and Selfish Behavior (2/2) - Abraham Hicks 2005
