Arctic Fox's EPRHA V2 Journal

[ArcticFox]

Day 22

For some reason my subs playlist that mixes masked 3 hours into ultras then wakes me up with masked has stop working. Each night it has just repeated the first song (ultra) rather then the whole playlist.

So for the last 2 nights I have done 8 hours of ultras straight through the night and each day I have been very short tempered and generally irritable and angry.

• I've just had 2 bad nights sleep
  
• The subs are more effecting when just ultra so getting less rest so more tired and thus more angry
  
• My brain cant handle the 8 hour solid of ultras
  

Tonight I will fix the playlist so it switches between masked/ultra and report how I feel tomorrow. I will then switch back to just an ultra on Thursday night and see if there is a difference on Friday.

Thinking about it I'm right back into my old negative thought patterns, dwelling on past, jealous of what others have, angry, resentful, narcissistic, don't give a shit about family and f*** you attitude. I felt I was making a very slow simmering progression, but this has set me back.

Throughout my life my productivity goes from high to low normally every couple of weeks. I've been in an unproductive state for a month now and can feel my mind slowly trying to become more productive, lots of little signals. Normally I wouldn't notice this and I would just react and become super productive for a couple weeks.

I also had a big realisation that I always start stuff and never follow through with it, ever!

It's great having a journal to look back on. After the 2 negative days I had 3 very positive days. Things the would normally make me anxious and my gut flip upside down, are still thoughts but I don't react to them negativity or with painful emotions. I'm now Just accepted them or didn't even have any feelings towards them.

I then move onto the weekend and had further problems with my Iphone playlist, the playlist played the first song then stopped instead of moving onto the next in the playlist (it didn't repeat). Anyway this resulted in a lost day on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

Here's where it gets interesting: so this week I started off very negatively and really digging back into some of my main issues. The biggest being my spitefulness. Probably a classic example of this, I'm going on holiday this week with 10 friends. I had arranged to get a lift with one of the friends, only to be told he was taking 3 other people leaving no room for me. This is fine as there is plenty of space in other cars, but i was seriously pissed off that i was now not in this car and that my other friends were going in that car instead, they are also leaving earlier which is way better as they'll miss traffic.

BUT my reaction to this is to cancel the trip, not go with them and pretty much not see/speak to them for a long time, in my head is was pretty much forever. It feels weird typing this now as it feels such an overreaction, like it wasn't even me but at the time felt like the right thing to do. Anyway, I kept my cool in this case and rode it out, getting a lift with a couple girls Friday night so should be fun.

So that was the first bout of childish emotion that I managed to overcome. The second batch I didn't fare so well I've been a member of a forum for almost 10 years, contributing heavily to a vintage scene, and pretty much have detailed my journey in that scene in my posts. Also helping a lot of other users during that time, I was up to almost a 1000 posts. Anyway, one of my posts got deleted - a check list, ticking them off once I had found them in the "wanted Forum".

So I asked the moderators where it had gone, the guy wasn't that helpful and fairly blunt but gave me the answers. So it turned out there is an auto prune function that removed my post after 90 days of inactivity, I asked the guy where this was posted - to which he pointed me too with a sh*t attitude. This really pissed me off, so again I had the f*ck you then I'm leaving, not going to see me a gain attitude. (This isn't a new emotion for me, I have it regularly through my life but never react to it).

I start going through my posts starting with my first one in 2007 either deleting them (if possible) or replacing the title and comments with an asterisks, and deleting pictures. Thus leaving the posts meaningless and useless. After removing the first couple I was thinking "Dude, this is stupid, WTF are you doing?", but I kept removing my posts/comments as the red mist was still in control. Like the emotion is on the surface rather than buried deep inside?

I get to the last few and I’m still thinking "WTF this makes no sense, I actually like this forum - I've got friends here and I've contributed for almost 10 years, this is almost a part of me!" but I just kept going with what the other half of me thought, “well you've started and there’s no going back so you might as well finish!”

It almost felt good, like being naughty and somehow knowing that there would be a reaction from people. So now I’m left with a forum that I will never go back on (probably can’t), and felling pretty stupid – but in some way kind of relieved? It’s all very strange. In both cases I have been close to doing them before now, and have had those types of thoughts regularly so it’s nothing new. But I’ve never actually gone ahead and followed through, I’ve been close.

This tells me that the subs are doing their thing, really pulling out my bad emotional / childish habits.

This is probably a typical syndrome/case for psychologists, does anyone here have a label for this type of behaviour?