A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

==7 days done, month 2==
7 days done in the second month. I feel like utter crap.

My libido is going haywire; some days it's up, some days down, and it's affecting my interactions with female classmates. I'm not having positive results asking them out, though, as I probably still have plenty of insecurities to deal with before my vibe is congruent with my desire.

Ever since that girl called me "hateful" and I cut her out of my life I feel like I don't have any friends, though I'm trying to reach out to new/semi-new people in the hopes of beginning meaningful friendships. I don't know how successful that's going to be because it's been my experience that whenever I'm open I tend to bring people down with my depressing life. I know that's mainly a byproduct of the attitude I have when I talk, but it's quite difficult to avoid while it feels like my life sucks. My fallback tactic as a result is try to talk as little as possible to avoid bringing them down, and that feels worse for me somehow. Even when I'm in a large group of somewhat likeminded people (e.g. in one or two of the clubs at college) I feel alone, and this bothers me greatly.

I don't have motivation to do anything productive or useful, and I'm worried that will carry over to schoolwork and potentially ruin my semester. I had to force myself to get up this morning to sign up for swim class, and I don't know yet if I'll feel like going. I know I need to and to also restore my gym routine in order to maintain some level of fitness, but I feel fatigued and tired all the time now.

I feel lost and I don't know what to do.