A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

==21 days done==
21 days done and I feel powerless. It feels like other people are in control of my life and if I don't accept it I will be penniless, homeless, friendless, lifeless, and without the means to rebuild myself and my life to be successful.

I know I've conducted myself differently since I started ASC. My libido has increased but I don't have a woman to save it for (use it with?). I've attempted to straighten my posture when walking (I've attempted since EPRHA) to walk more confidently and still feel strain on my lower back, even when I'm not carrying anything; random men (often some burly-looking dudes) give me the nod when I'm walking, though, and every so often a pretty woman will blush when I walk past and say hello. My conscious desire to exercise has reduced considerably and for the past few weeks feel unmotivated to work out at the same level as the past 9 months before it, so now when I go it feels like I'm half-assing it; however, men at the gym now often excuse themselves first (instead of me always excusing myself first) if we cross paths when walking, and women smile when I compliment them on their exercise routine working for them.

I'm still jobless, however, and once again companies are turning me down because they believe I won't be able to give them the time they want while still going to school. I'm still essentially homeless, however, and just this weekend had to leave my neighbor's apartment at his request so the dog sitter can come in and take care of the dogs over the weekend. I'm stress eating again and that is going to quickly whittle away my SNAP for the month if I leave it unchecked. I have a project that feels like it's going nowhere and if I weren't so emotionally attached to it I'd have moved on already; I'm also worried that if I move on the alternative is going to leave me in worse position.

Had some weird dreams this week, but don't know what they mean. I'll analyze them later, but one of them had someone I know in it and for me that's important as I rarely ever dream about someone I know.