==30 days done==
I dread leaving Vermont. I finally realized that one of my biggest fears currently is that there's nothing and nobody for me in NYC and that there's nothing I can do to change that. I don't have a stable housing situation, I ended my friendship with the first real friend I've had in a long time because I'm in love with her and she claims to not feel the same, I don't have family or other friends I can rely on for support, I don't have any romantic or sexual companionship to love and relieve stress, and the only thing tying me to NYC is the fact that I must attend Hunter College and cannot transfer anywhere else due to a particular financial arrangement made on my behalf. I can't leave even if I wanted to since I chose to commit myself to getting my bachelor's in computer science.
I worked hard to get back into college and I'm saddened that it feels like a burden. I'm sad that I feel like a burden to other people and that the one friend feels I'm essentially a homeless charity case who hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years (her number; actual number is 8 years). I'm reaching out for help but I'm not getting much of it for whatever reason, and that makes me feel like I'm not good enough for help.
When I return to NYC tomorrow I won't have a place to return to and will likely end up staying up all night at the Apple Store again. I can't take this much longer and I'm shocked I haven't flat out given up yet. I don't have the strength to go through this much longer.
I rarely remember dreams I've had during this EPRHA run, so when it happens I write it down. I dreamed last night I was robbing banks.
Today is day 31 and tomorrow is day 32. Unless something drastic happens in the next two days I'm moving on to ASC after day 32.
I dread leaving Vermont. I finally realized that one of my biggest fears currently is that there's nothing and nobody for me in NYC and that there's nothing I can do to change that. I don't have a stable housing situation, I ended my friendship with the first real friend I've had in a long time because I'm in love with her and she claims to not feel the same, I don't have family or other friends I can rely on for support, I don't have any romantic or sexual companionship to love and relieve stress, and the only thing tying me to NYC is the fact that I must attend Hunter College and cannot transfer anywhere else due to a particular financial arrangement made on my behalf. I can't leave even if I wanted to since I chose to commit myself to getting my bachelor's in computer science.
I worked hard to get back into college and I'm saddened that it feels like a burden. I'm sad that I feel like a burden to other people and that the one friend feels I'm essentially a homeless charity case who hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 years (her number; actual number is 8 years). I'm reaching out for help but I'm not getting much of it for whatever reason, and that makes me feel like I'm not good enough for help.
When I return to NYC tomorrow I won't have a place to return to and will likely end up staying up all night at the Apple Store again. I can't take this much longer and I'm shocked I haven't flat out given up yet. I don't have the strength to go through this much longer.
I rarely remember dreams I've had during this EPRHA run, so when it happens I write it down. I dreamed last night I was robbing banks.
Today is day 31 and tomorrow is day 32. Unless something drastic happens in the next two days I'm moving on to ASC after day 32.
A Better Alex (ISTJ): EPRHA → ASC → AM6 → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOS → DMSI → …
A Better Alex (ENFJ-T): AM6 → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOS → DMSI → …
A Better Alex (ENFJ-T): AM6 → …
